Messed up second date, any options?

[Marks]

Hi Everyone,

 

First off, I've never posted to a message board such as this, seeking for relationship advice. Seems a little odd to me, but considering that I don't have much experience in regards to dating, I thought I'd give it a shot and see what other people think about my situation.

 

I am one of those few guys (or so it seems) that has yet to have a girlfriend in his life, and is in his early 20's. Let's just say I'm a late bloomer and have had issues with social anxiety in the past. I can count on one hand the number of times I've asked girls out to coffee, and have been accepted only twice. Sad, but true.

 

Anyway, at the place I worked at up until a few weeks ago (I left for another job), there was this girl that I found attractive, but never had the courage to really talk to, until I finally stopped working there. The week after I stopped working there, I met her on the bus and got up enough courage to start talking with her. She seemed very nice and seemed to display signs of interest in me (I think), so the next time I saw her on the same bus a few days later, I asked her if she wanted to get coffee or something, and so I got her number.

 

This past Labor day, we got together for the first time, and I ended up buying her lunch. We ate, chatted, walked around the area near the place after eating lunch and talked some more, and then I drove her home. There was some awkwardness here and there I suppose, but it seemed to have gone down pretty well. When I dropped her off, I asked if she had a good time and if she wanted to hang out again, and she said yes, so I told her I would call her.

 

A few days later, I call her and asked if she wanted to go out somewhere again, and she agreed. That's when things went downhill very fast. The next day that I went to pick her up ended up being a total disaster. I ended up picking a somewhat bad part of town to go to, only because there is a dog beach there (and she likes animals, wants to be a vet). But I ended up getting lost on my way over there. I ended up going to another part of town which is nicer and has a great view of the city, so I figured I would show her that. Wouldn't you know, the spot I had in mind was inaccessible that particular day because of road work, and so I ended up going in more circles. She sort of saw the view, but not what I had in mind.

 

After even more driving, I finally got to the part of town the dog beach was at, but that wasn't great. You couldn't really sit and watch the dogs, unless you wanted to sit in sand. We stood around for a short while, and then I suggested checking out the rest of the neighborhood. Unfortunately the rest of it is kinda shady looking, and I could tell she wasn't too thrilled to be there, so I ended up taking her back home. I apologized quite a bit about getting lost and taking her to this bad spot, and she responded with "that's okay", "don't worry about it".

 

The other bad part about this was that the conversation during the whole time, while driving, while walking around, was not happening. She was very quiet the whole time, most of the conversation involved me talking, if we talked at all, otherwise it was silence. I tried to ask questions about what she liked to do in her spare time, if she liked to travel, etc. Most of her answers were pretty vague, a lot of "I don't know"/"I'm not sure". When I told her about some cool stuff happening in town that week, she seemed pretty uninterested.

 

I got pretty frustrated with the conversation, so I started to ask some dumb personal questions, which in retrospect I shouldn't have asked, and normally wouldn't have asked. I think she got weirded out by it. When I finally got near her place, I started apologizing again, and then I said something which I now severely regret. I said basically, "I'm sorry today didn't come out as nice as I had hoped...I wouldn't be offended if you said to me that you wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore." To that she said nothing. I realize now that could be really misconstrued.

 

That was Thursday of last week. This past Sunday I called her twice. She didn't pick up either time, so on the second call I left her a message, apologizing again and saying that I'd love to hear from her again, but if I didn't, that I wished her the best and that maybe we'd bump into each other again.

 

So I guess it's over, but boy do I wish I could still get to know her better and go out some more. Do I have any options? She seemed so unresponsive/quiet, so I don't know if she was just not interested in me anymore, or if it was because I screwed up so much on the second get-together. I feel like I acted a bit weird towards the end, even though I generally regard myself as a nice guy.

 

The people I've told about this have generally said to just move on. I suppose I could, but finding new girls to pursue is quite challenging for me. Even though I'm in college and there's seemingly loads of girls, the ones I'd be interested in the most already have bf's, others I have trouble starting conversations/asking out. So it would have been nice for this to have lasted longer.

 

Thanks for reading what turned out to be a long post.

[wiko]

Sounds like you did everything you could. That first date/the asking is the hardest though. You did well. Use it as a learning experience!

[Lakeside_runner]

I totally agree - it seems you did everything you could. It's hard to tell but if she wasn't responsive the whole time during your second date there is not much you could have done.

I don't know how many times did you apologize to her but I think women may get wierde out but that too. It's okay to apologize but it's not like you've done her any harm, right? The road was closed, you got lost etc. It's okay - would you like to be with someone who makes a big deal out of such silly things?

It happend to me once - I was going out on a second date and I picked a really nice cosy sushi restaurant. Who knew that this particular day their chef would get very sick and they'd be closed?

[Bleeve]

I disagree with the other responses.

These are all the examples of where you messed up, plain and simple:

 

"I apologized quite a bit about getting lost and taking her to this bad spot, and she responded with "that's okay", "don't worry about it"."

 

"When I finally got near her place, I started apologizing again"

 

"I'm sorry today didn't come out as nice as I had hoped...I wouldn't be offended if you said to me that you wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore."

 

"so on the second call I left her a message, apologizing again and saying that I'd love to hear from her again, but if I didn't, that I wished her the best"

 

This all comes across as very weak. No woman wants a weak man.

Apologizing once is fine for things not going well. But then you say lets have dinner at so and so and go sit and eat and have fun.

You just have to have to be able to deal with bad situations in a more "manly" way, by taking control and making it better, not apologizing over and over.

 

Good luck next time and consider this a lesson learned

[northstar1]

Don't worry about it too much mate. Lots of times, dates don't got as smooth as planned.

 

Here are my thoughts from your story:

 

If she was really interested in you, then the mishaps during the date would not have been a big deal, and she would probably have found humour in it. Sounds like her interest was already borderline from how she reacted. No big deal, there will be a lot more girls that do like you.

 

Another hint is to not apologize for the date and suggest that you don't blame her for not wanting to go out again.

That speaks of a lack of confidence in yourself, which will not be attractive.

 

Don't sweat it too much, it didnt' work out, there will be plenty more chances along the way.

[Chicago_Guy]

I disagree with the other responses.

These are all the examples of where you messed up, plain and simple:

 

"I apologized quite a bit about getting lost and taking her to this bad spot, and she responded with "that's okay", "don't worry about it"."

 

"When I finally got near her place, I started apologizing again"

 

"I'm sorry today didn't come out as nice as I had hoped...I wouldn't be offended if you said to me that you wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore."

 

"so on the second call I left her a message, apologizing again and saying that I'd love to hear from her again, but if I didn't, that I wished her the best"

 

This all comes across as very weak. No woman wants a weak man.

Apologizing once is fine for things not going well. But then you say lets have dinner at so and so and go sit and eat and have fun.

You just have to have to be able to deal with bad situations in a more "manly" way, by taking control and making it better, not apologizing over and over.

 

Good luck next time and consider this a lesson learned

 

I agree. There was no reason to apologize, and it sounds like the apology didn't matter anyway because she had already made up her mind by that point that she wasn't interested.

[ReturnToSender]

Yeah, youre heart was in the right place...but all the apologies would turn me off. Things happen...the best laid plans dont always go as planned, but what counts is making the best of the moment.

 

I get lost all the time, and I get into crazy situations like that all the time...a little humour about the situation goes a long way... It could have ended up being a great date, unplanned scenic tour and all!

 

I guess Id start with stop apologizing...and just ask her out again. Who knows.

[sumdude]

Well, things didn't work out but you know what? It's a success! You got up the gumption, asker her out. She agreed, twice!

 

And you learned a couple things.

 

1. Have a good plan A AND a good plan B

 

(this works for everything in life)

 

2. If things don't work out the way you hoped don't make a big deal about it. Say oops, I messed up once and move on! One little apology and let it go, it's not like you meant to do it.

 

3. The road to success in life is paved with the things that didn't quite work out.

 

You have something to build on here. Think how many light bulbs Edison went through before he put together the one that worked!

[boogieboy]

Theres nothing you can do about this girl, but I think its not for why you think.

 

You did mess up by not being prepared. You did mess up by apologising.

You will have to approach more girls at school, dont hang on to the one you failed with.

 

I truly think the reason she had no conversation whatsoever is because she is trying to date while she is broken hearted over someone, and her heart isnt in it. She was quiet because she was thinking of the guy that broke her heart. In that case, she isnt ready to date, and theres nothing you can do if you dont automatically take her breath away. Many women you will date will be looking for rebounds (guys too) you never know what their situation is.

[Marks]

Yeah, looking back on it, the numerous apologies were overkill. From now on I'll know to apologize once and move on, plus I'll try not to assume to know what people are thinking and put words in their mouths.

 

The other thought I had recently was when I went to a nice art exhibition by the bay this past Sunday, and I realized that if I had perhaps waited a little longer to ask her out again, that would've been the perfect place to take her. I had been aware of the event earlier, before I asked her out the second time, but I was unsure of whether waiting almost a week to ask her out again would've given off the impression that I wasn't really interested. I guess I should have been more patient.

 

I also wonder if she went out the second time only out of politeness and sort of planned on being the way she was to get me to lose interest in her. Do women do that sometimes?

 

I'm pretty much over it now, but it's nice to look back on it and realize the mistakes I made.

[Javelin]

Messed up second date, any options?

 

Lesson learned and move on!

 

Who knows, though? That may not have been a good night for her and she may just call you back!

[boogieboy]

 

I also wonder if she went out the second time only out of politeness and sort of planned on being the way she was to get me to lose interest in her.

 

I would more believe that she went out a second time to give you another chance. So something happened the second time to turn her off, or she figured out she wasnt ready to date yet. Theres no reason to physically leave the house to get you to lose interest, all she had to do to accomplish that is to not answer the phone.

[stepka]

Actually, she sounds like a dud. Maybe she's shy, but maybe she just doesn't have that much in common with you which is why she didn't have much to say. Sometimes we're all so worried about what the other person will think about us that we forget to pay attn to whether we like them. That's esp true of us shy people, which I assume that you are too.

 

Honestly, if you guys had clicked, it wouldn't have mattered how the day went--you would be laughing your tails off the whole time about all the odd coincidences and you would have had a blast. I'm with the others--this is a learning experience and a chance to find out what you like about women, and for heaven's sake, don't let it scare you off.

 

Another thing: yes you apologized too much, but when she was so quiet, I'm assuming that you felt you had to say something to fill the awkward silence. What a bummer, but I don't think you're at fault--when you ask questions and the convo goes nowhere, she's a dud.

[bluewolf17]

I wouldn't worry about it. If she really liked you, she will see you again.

 

And just a note, a girl who really likes you...would have made the best of that funny/bad date.

[D-Lish]

You apologized too much for things you didn't need to apologize for.

 

The bottom line is if she was into you, it wouldn't have mattered one bit if you guys got lost or skirted through a bad part of town.

 

All the "I'm sorry's" ruined things. It manifests insecurity on your end. That is where things got messy. Don't apologize- utilize!

[Lish]

You apologized too much for things you didn't need to apologize for.

 

The bottom line is if she was into you, it wouldn't have mattered one bit if you guys got lost or skirted through a bad part of town.

 

All the "I'm sorry's" ruined things. It manifests insecurity on your end. That is where things got messy. Don't apologize- utilize!

Completely agree. I think if she has any interest left, you may have one last chance to win her round.

And tbh, if I had chemistry with a guy and he did what you did, it wouldn't make a difference. Chemistry is chemistry whether you're sitting in posh restaurant, KFC or having a picnic at a landfill site. Doesn't matter.

 

Maybe you have another chance, maybe you don't. Don't go getting your hopes up too high though. Let us know how it goes

[Marks]

I think if she has any interest left, you may have one last chance to win her round.

 

I'm not really hung up over her anymore, though I wouldn't mind another chance. But I seriously doubt it. The two times I called her this past Sunday she didn't answer the phone, so that basically signaled to me that she was done with me. In the message I left her, I said that I would like to hear from her again, but if that didn't happen, then I wished her the best. I don't think calling her again now will change anything, I'm guessing she'll just not answer the phone again.

 

My apologizing and whatever else I did must've given off a really bad impression. Maybe I didn't make enough eye contact too? Perhaps my body language was bad? Who knows. I'm just starting to figure out how these things work, it's just a shame that I'm turning potentially nice girls off by these things. Next time I'll know, but I don't know when next time will come.

 

Or maybe she was just a shy girl, had trouble keeping the conversation going, and then got scared off by my apologizing and other commentary?

 

*Sigh* It's a lot of hypothesizing that probably isn't too productive.

[Lish]

I'm not really hung up over her anymore, though I wouldn't mind another chance. But I seriously doubt it. The two times I called her this past Sunday she didn't answer the phone, so that basically signaled to me that she was done with me. In the message I left her, I said that I would like to hear from her again, but if that didn't happen, then I wished her the best. I don't think calling her again now will change anything, I'm guessing she'll just not answer the phone again.

 

My apologizing and whatever else I did must've given off a really bad impression. Maybe I didn't make enough eye contact too? Perhaps my body language was bad? Who knows. I'm just starting to figure out how these things work, it's just a shame that I'm turning potentially nice girls off by these things. Next time I'll know, but I don't know when next time will come.

 

Or maybe she was just a shy girl, had trouble keeping the conversation going, and then got scared off by my apologizing and other commentary?

 

*Sigh* It's a lot of hypothesizing that probably isn't too productive.

You didn't make enough eye contact? You were effin' driving for god sake!

[DustySaltus]

I said basically, "I'm sorry today didn't come out as nice as I had hoped...I wouldn't be offended if you said to me that you wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore."

 

Game, set and match. It's time to move on.

 

At this point in your life its all about volume. You need to get out and date as many girls as possible to figure out what YOU want. The most important thing is to go out with NO EXPECTATIONS so that when they do something that makes you happy or interested, you can be pleasantly surprised. Good Luck.

[Marks]

You didn't make enough eye contact? You were effin' driving for god sake!

 

Well yeah. I meant when I wasn't driving. The last thing I need is an accident on a date .

 

And thanks to all for replying, you've cleared some things up for me that I probably wouldn't have realized. Especially the apology part.

[Lish]

Well yeah. I meant when I wasn't driving. The last thing I need is an accident on a date .

 

And thanks to all for replying, you've cleared some things up for me that I probably wouldn't have realized. Especially the apology part.

 

I also think that the date was a blessing in disguise.

 

Maybe the fact the date was 'bad' just showed you there was not really any chemistry anyway, saving you time and money (not that this should matter, but not everyone has an everlasting budget, so you can spend it on another date perhaps ) Chemistry is always there no matter where you are...and if she lost interest in you because of the way the date went/where you took her and it wasn't what she wanted, she's not really worth more of ya time is she?