Broke it off, want to throw up

[Porter Royal]

Thanks for explaining. I'm trying to get a handle on my situation. My first post was titled "My Turn," in another LS forum. I'm mid-40s and the OW is a while over 50. The physical relationship was awesome, but we couldn't contain ourselves. Feelings grew and she bailed (so she said). I'm in NC and trying to reign myself back in. It only occurred to me recently that she may have bailed because she found someone who could be a real (public) boyfriend. Damn this is complicated. Very glad to hear your solid perspective. I greatly appreciate it especially since I'm flying solo without a radio or copilot.

[mourningMM]

That is what we are all here for...to share our own perspectives and deal with our own demons!

 

Mid-40's? You should be the happy camper then...demographics are on your side...there are more single women in their 40's and 30's than there are single, stable, working available men.

 

World is your oyster boy...take a short break, get your sea legs, and then get out there and date a single woman!

[mourningMM]

If you aren't single and available, and you are the MM in an Affair, take this NC opportunity to look hard at your current relationship...with your wife.

 

The best thing to distract you during NC is to focus on distractions: go to the health club or focus on children (if you have them)...really be present when you are with your wife.

 

I wish you the best of luck with your situation; and that both you and the OW find happy healthy relationships.

[Porter Royal]

more later.

[wonder]

It's been a few weeks since I had any direct contact with the MM. I agree with the idea that it is only really possibly to engage me if it is 1.) intellectually 2.) he intrigues me 3.) and it goes slowly. It also isn't fair for me to get heavily involved or even sexual with someone for a while as the intese and fantastic sex with the MM is still too fresh (even though I've only seen him one weekend since April).

 

I have been forcing myself out on coffee or movie "dates", nothing really romantic, just keeping myself busy, engaged, out of bed (alone), etc.

 

UPDATE - "He" did call two nights ago... I didn't answer (it was somewhat easy as I was playing around with my 10-year-old daughter). He didn't leave a message. Funny, he always has had this very uncanny psychic ability to know when I'm thinking of him. Earlier in the day I had taken my daughter to a radiology appointment out of town and I got into a discussion with another mom there who knows the MM's wife. She said "oh, didn't they move for his job?" and i explained that HE moved, but she is still living in their house until the end of the year. The woman did look at me for a second in a funny way (or I imagined she did). I have to say I was kind of dying for her to open that door just a little wider (not that I would have told her, just that I might have been tempted to make her wonder...) Suffice it to say, I live in a awfully small town.

[wonder]

Unfortunately, that phone call (attempt) by the MM got me to think about him more. I think "maybe I could stand him if I just lower my expectations" or "maybe we could just have sex, he's nice to me while we're having sex (besides, his mouth is occupied)". Denial, minimizing, rewritig history. I really have difficulty remebering the good stuff when he's been abusive to me and hard to remember how truly bad it feels when he's an a*s.

 

I'm trying to keep busy enough not to obsess. As for dating, the more I do it, the more I want the MM back (and the less I want to date at all).

 

Thanks for tolerating my ramblings.

[fooled once]

Ramble away.

 

Next time you feel the urge to contact him or to re-write history, think of this...

 

Picture your daughter involved with someone like him. Picture the hurt, anguish and despair you have felt, heaped onto her.

 

Would you want someone like that for her?

 

NOW .... what are you thinking? Are you still thinking he is a good guy?

 

IF he isn't good enough for your daughter to marry/date, he isn't good enough for you!

 

((hug))

[1Angel]

Your story is so honest. Hang in there; hour by hour if you need to.

[wonder]

I'm still in no-contact. It feels different this time (compared with so many times before. But I swear, I am hating the wait until I find someone I'm interested in having sex with again.

 

For now, just focusing on me (for a change).

[sampowers]

Wonder,

 

I think what makes affairs so devastating is that they take us away from the now. We lose the now dreaming about the what ifs and the maybes.

Kiving in hope instead of reality

Our days are consumed by:

When will I see him again?

or thinking about moments we shared.

trying to figure out how if we can just be less demanding, prettier, more interesting or interested, maybe he will pick me.

 

When you know there is a future its one thing to pine,

but when love and dreams hinge on hope its is another

 

its not real...

 

I dont blame my MM, he has his concerns in varying degrees, his boy of 11 , wanting to raise him and provide a good family life for him, and there is the history and relationship that he and his wife have created from over 25 years of being together, whether the passion is gone and complacency had set in, there is a lot to be said for history,

 

even if you have found what feels like a soulmate and friend, it is hard to walk away without a lot of thinking.

 

I am married too, my MM and i had been friends for 20 years before we took the step of getting closer..

 

In a way,I grieve the loss of that friendship, because it has changed, oh we love each other, no doubt, but we had such an innocence and excitement in our friendship....and now because we tasted the forbidden fruit, we cant go back, you really cant put toothpaste back in the tube.

 

If it wre possible to just enjoy the addition that loving one's lover adds to one's life and still lbe able to live one's life fully, and not be torn between the two worlds of what is and what could be, then maybe affairs would not be so devastating, but that it isnt how it works for many of us.

 

Secrets are so corrosive.

I have never tried NC because I think that when one does, one has to really mean it, like green eyed lady says.

 

I have gotton a lot from reading the posts on this board, thank you to everyone who has been so thoughtful.

I wish you the best Wonder. Just do it minute by minute and try to keep busy... even it is just washing the floor. at least you;ll have a clean house.

Force yourself to do things.

Good luck.

[NowhereToHide]

Wonder,

 

I think what makes affairs so devastating is that they take us away from the now. We lose the now dreaming about the what ifs and the maybes.

Kiving in hope instead of reality

Our days are consumed by:

When will I see him again?

or thinking about moments we shared.

trying to figure out how if we can just be less demanding, prettier, more interesting or interested, maybe he will pick me.

 

When you know there is a future its one thing to pine,

but when love and dreams hinge on hope its is another

 

its not real...

 

I dont blame my MM, he has his concerns in varying degrees, his boy of 11 , wanting to raise him and provide a good family life for him, and there is the history and relationship that he and his wife have created from over 25 years of being together, whether the passion is gone and complacency had set in, there is a lot to be said for history,

 

even if you have found what feels like a soulmate and friend, it is hard to walk away without a lot of thinking.

 

I am married too, my MM and i had been friends for 20 years before we took the step of getting closer..

 

In a way,I grieve the loss of that friendship, because it has changed, oh we love each other, no doubt, but we had such an innocence and excitement in our friendship....and now because we tasted the forbidden fruit, we cant go back, you really cant put toothpaste back in the tube.

 

If it wre possible to just enjoy the addition that loving one's lover adds to one's life and still lbe able to live one's life fully, and not be torn between the two worlds of what is and what could be, then maybe affairs would not be so devastating, but that it isnt how it works for many of us.

 

Secrets are so corrosive.

I have never tried NC because I think that when one does, one has to really mean it, like green eyed lady says.

 

I have gotton a lot from reading the posts on this board, thank you to everyone who has been so thoughtful.

I wish you the best Wonder. Just do it minute by minute and try to keep busy... even it is just washing the floor. at least you;ll have a clean house.

Force yourself to do things.

Good luck.

 

This is such a great post. Thank you. It helped me, too.

[wonder]

I appreciate the responses.

 

The phone rang again this week. This time he left a message that he so enjoys talking with me - that he just wants to talk. (It is true, we have intellectual and sexualy compatibility). I haven't called, but the obsession is revved up some).

 

I'm hanging on...

[learnfrommymistakes]

Good advice here, and especially from mourningMM

 

It is like an addiction, even if you arent an abuser or ex abuser of some drug, or habit. My relationship with a separated and then married (they go back) and now divorced man....was like an obsession and addiction, someone had to point it out to me, they said he was my drug of choice.

 

i was not an addict, nor one to fall hard for any man, least of all a taken man. So I am sending support and encouragement that you can do this. We all deserve to be in healthy relationships or at least out of harmful ones.

 

I think if you choose to move on, especially knowing he has OOW, it will be hard but you can do it, in baby steps if you have to...even tho cutting it off all together is probably the best...who knows.

 

I am weak toward my now ex MM...and it feels like a rush and a high and intense and love when we talk, but when he leaves and hides out it feels like hell...and the thing is to weigh out what you want....I have not been able to totally walk away from my exMM and now that he is divorced (not for me) it is going to be SO hard to watch him date from a far, he lives far away from me. BUT thats a whole other sting and pain. So just know, that even if he was available, he may want to be out there dating, and nothing stings harder than that, at least for me. When you are the patient one who stays through hard times, etc, back forth, and then they choose to see other people, that is a whole other animal....lol...pun intended.

 

Be good to you, take manageable steps you can handle, and you will grow and evolve and come out better

 

I am hoping for good things for you and am here for support

LFMM

[DiDi123]

Take it minute by minute- that's what I have been forced to do.

Try to hold off not taking his calls for as long as you possibly can.

 

And if can't help yourself and you do answer, maybe say "oh hi- great to hear from you, but I can't talk - I have to help my daughter (homework, bath) or whatever- even say you are on your way out to the store" and say I have to go now- bye- and hang up.

 

Do I think I could ever do this? I have no idea, but maybe.......

Can you see yourself doing this? I'm just suggesting because maybe it would fill the need of actually speaking to him, yet not allowing him the RIGHT to a full blown conversation with you.

 

By the way I am OW also and am really getting sick of feeling like crap.

[Devil Inside]

I appreciate the responses.

 

The phone rang again this week. This time he left a message that he so enjoys talking with me - that he just wants to talk. (It is true, we have intellectual and sexualy compatibility). I haven't called, but the obsession is revved up some).

 

I'm hanging on...

 

This will happen...for some time. Thing is you are now aware. You can see how you physically respond. This is why you are NC...because until his voice does not lead to obsession...then you are not healed.

 

Stay strong...I know you can do it. Heck 14 weeks of NC for me tomorrow...if I can do it...so can you.

[wonder]

Can't believe it has been about three months of no contact. Made a mistake a couple of weeks ago. Got a Linked-In email update (he has two new connections) and I clicked on his name and at that moment I thought "why did I do this, I don't want to know what he's up to" and "oh sh*t, Linked-In will notify him I was here" (I know this because it once let me know know he was on my page).

 

Well, last week I got an email via Linked-In (not directly to my email address, must be getting smarter about leaving no evidence). Then, later that day I couldn't help myself, when a friend sent me a photo of a man & woman sleeping naked in bed with the tag line "what smart men do with sticky notes". The woman had the post-it on her forhead with "Jane" written on it (my last straw had been when he called me "Carol"). I forwarded it to him. I was so nervous every time I opened my email, not knowing what to expect (he used to randomly blow up at nothing). Finally he replied "Very cute. Are you ever going to call me again Carol?" Jeez. Anyway, the answer is "NO".

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited December 8, 2009 by wonder