jaybird365 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 My wife of 23 years decided last week that she wants a legal separation. We have two kids under 14. The last 6 or 7 years have not been the best for our marriage as she had a 6 month affair about 6 years ago. That was very painful for me and I was at a loss then. Her claim is that the was 'not emotionally into the marriage' but did not hate me, but just did not love me anymore. Never an easy thing to hear or to accept. We have lived under the same roof for 6 years, but she has more or less ended our marriage and lived separate. I felt powerless as she constantly rejected any suggestion of counseling or attempts to reconcile. However, for the sake of the kids I decided it was better to live together rather than walking out. This last weekend, she notified me that her lawyer was sending me a letter for starting the separation process. This was a real blow, although the writing was on the wall. Again I am feeling very powerless to change the outcome and feel like I am just bowing into her wishes. I said to myself, it time to move on, but the sad part about it all, is that I suspect the request for separation is being fueled by the presence of another man (whom I believe is married) and she is just setting the stage to dump me and hurt the kids. She claims that is not the case, but each day she is pressuring me into the getting the lawyers involved to get it over with. Stepping back, I thought, perhaps I should just get this over with and move on and put the whole mess behind me as I felt she was not about to change directions. I was curious as to why she wanted to involve the lawyers and then realized that she had not prepared or even given much thought about what the process was that was ahead for both of us and the kids. It became clear that she believes getting separated was just a matter of fact thing, she just wanted it and had no real deep reason for ending the marriage. Yes, if you don't love someone I suppose that is legitimate, but do you end a marriage without thinking of the consequences or future on a whim ? Given her past infidelity which I had forgiven her for should have demonstrated my love for her, but it just seems she is interested in only how she feels, not myself or the children. Very selfish thinking particularly when it appears she has not stated anything strongly that could not at least be talked over for another attempt. It's very frustrating that I see her going through with the process and simply not thinking it through and executing this very much like you would see in 'Sex in the City' ... simply not a realistic understanding. Her under the misguided belief is that her lawyer will deal with everything while she sits around watching TV each night. Hello ... it's the real world here. Even worse, if there is a secret lover pressuring her to do this, she is even more shallow about the entire thing. Is there anything or words I can say to her to make her fully appreciate what she is getting into even if things can't be turned around ? Jay:confused:
LakesideDream Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Jaybird, your story isn't unusual with the slightly less common quirk that your wife contacted a lawyer and started the process before giving you the "I need space" speach. I like many of the men here at LS have had to sit and listen to that speach. Believe me, and others to come. Your wife has "thought it through" and your needs do not factor into her solution. The awful truth is that there is nothing you can do about it. Todays society allows women to make those decisions unilaterally. It's doubly awful that you have two young children involved who will be a part of this for a long time. All you can really do is protect yourself, and protect your children as best you can. Your wife went from "zero to scorched earth" immediately. She isn't looking to reconcile, or even negotiate. Because there is another man in the picture she feels that "there's nothing to talk about". That other man is meeting her needs. You have become an useless appendage. She is absolutely "matter of fact" about the whole situation. Your needs, or feelings are inconsequential. It's going to take you awhile to get through all this. You may never really get "over" it either. You have to invest the time to see what happens. I know how hard this can be for you. I know how much this is going to hurt. I'm sad for you. But... knowing comes with realism. I've been through what your facing. I lived through it. you will too. Walk away wives are all the rage. It's not getting better.
Author jaybird365 Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 Lakeside, thanks for the insight. While difficult to understand, I do need to accept the reality and truth that I am nothing to her. The sad truth is she really hasn't thought it through. She has generally been a 'spur of the moment' type, but I must accept that her feelings for me have been dead for some time as she treats me terribly. She is very materialistic and one of her main complaints is that we have not 'acquired' assets like larger houses, cars, toys, etc. as other have. Ignoring the reality that everything costs money that she doesn't have. On many occassion she has tried to suggest I have held her back from her dreams. A new house has been a constant request, meanwhile, she has been hanging the word 'separation' over my head. Why would I do that? Anyway, how do I protect myself ? What should I be doing to protect my kids ? I have started to look for a 'good' lawyer that will fight for me. I have visited a few, that appear to look at this as just another job to fill there pocket. I have contemplated asking her to find somewhere else to live or to shack up with her lover. She has refused as she has been advised not to leave as it would reflect badly on her when it comes to a request for custody. Her attitude and behaviour in the house is childish and rude at times, and it takes all my strenght at times. She sometimes acts as if we are best friends and wants to talk, but seemingly doesn't seem to understand that she has inflicted a wound that is painful and deep. Anyways, I do need to protect myself and kids ? What would be useful advice ?
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