Steadfast Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Thank you steadfast for your advice. I have heard this all along and am going to contnue my prayers, not that she comes back but that some how i can get her to respect me and admire me for the man that i have become for myself and my children. Am not going to give up hope but i am going to stop trying am going to be nice to her you are not the first person to give me this advice. But how do i apply NC to be being nice its a bit difficult. At this point i have give up hope on getting her back. myway, NC only works if it is true 'No Communication'. None, nada. You have kids, so you're not in a position to stay away. I can't tell you how to pray, but in my case I was careful not to pray for any angles. That is to say, praying with an agenda. I simply prayed for her safety and my wisdom. What I learned be applied to my words and actions. That's it. I took control of *me*. We have no control of others myway. I can say that the approach is certain to gain positive results; only because you are working on things under your control; you. It is called being a man; not 'doing' the right thing but 'being' right. Your thoughts, then your actions and words. It starts from inside. Good motivation = good results. We can influence others with strength and love...hardly ever with anger. The real trick is to keep at it. When we see positive results we're sometimes tempted to fall back into old habits of manipulation.
Logik Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 myway, only one thing to do. For YOU: Accept it and move on with YOU by YOURSELF For HER: Show love when you have contact - only show it, don't say it, even if she's showing you the opposite or nothing. Then expect nothing back. This has both of your interests at heart. I know it's doing opposing things, but with the limited contact you should be having with her, most of your time will be spent on YOU.
Author myway4077 Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 So what is the next step i need to take? when we begin to talk again what should i do? Am sotried of people saying to move on. I want to hear someone tell me what actions i need to take besides workout, date, LC. Am doing this already now what? My son's bday is sunday and am going to be around her what should i do? how long do i stay with him? be nice to her but to what extent?
Logik Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Patience. That's a big lesson we need to learn. Be nice to her like you would if she took you back. I'm in the same situation man. That's all I can say. Move on but don't close your heart to her. It's extremely difficult. That's why we feel this pain. Nobody has the answers. Advice from others isn't going to change your feelings, but don't let them harden your heart. I almost made that mistake. Take advice, compare them to your beliefs and feelings and make your decision. Patience. God's time works slowly.
WTFO Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 ....Move on but don't close your heart to her. Why not? How is he/us going to heal if we keep it open?
Logik Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Why not? How is he/us going to heal if we keep it open? Because as soon as you close your heart to someone you become bitter and resentful towards them. If that's what you want, go ahead.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Because as soon as you close your heart to someone you become bitter and resentful towards them. If that's what you want, go ahead. I'd rather him close it to avoid getting more hurt... Than to keep it open and getting stabbed constantly in it. It's damned if you do, damned if you dont. It might make you bitter but you might just detach from the overall situation. Why continue to put yourself out there for a woman who doesnt love you at ALL!!!! Screw her, move on!
GorillaTheater Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I'd rather him close it to avoid getting more hurt... Than to keep it open and getting stabbed constantly in it. It's damned if you do, damned if you dont. It might make you bitter but you might just detach from the overall situation. Why continue to put yourself out there for a woman who doesnt love you at ALL!!!! Screw her, move on! I've got to go with this. I may not be entirely clear on what "keeping your heart open to her" means exactly, but I do know that bitterness passes, probably quicker than the damage from leaving your heart open to being repeatedly broken for the foreseeable future.
WTFO Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 I've got to go with this. I may not be entirely clear on what "keeping your heart open to her" means exactly, but I do know that bitterness passes, probably quicker than the damage from leaving your heart open to being repeatedly broken for the foreseeable future. x150 Screw that, she's not the same woman as she once was. I know its tough,find someone who will APPRECIATE the love you have to offer,instead holding on. Easier said than done,i know. Its going to take time...at least that's what i'm reading on here:)
Author myway4077 Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 The thing is that she left me beacuse of my neglectful ways and also my infedelity. Am the one who was in the wrong. Am not in pain any more and if its wasn't because of my kids and that she is great woman i would have moved on a long time ago. I haven more up beat and fun around her and it has seem to be working.
Logik Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I'd rather him close it to avoid getting more hurt... Than to keep it open and getting stabbed constantly in it. It's damned if you do, damned if you dont. It might make you bitter but you might just detach from the overall situation. Why continue to put yourself out there for a woman who doesnt love you at ALL!!!! Screw her, move on! OK. Maybe I was incorrect in saying that he shouldn't close his heart to her. It would've been better to say, take her off the pedestal and move her to another place in your mind; amongst the crowd of other people that came and went in your life. I don't know. I'm finding it hard to explain this one. Let me try an analogy... It's about compartmentalising your brain. Storing people in certain places, like folders on your computer. Move her from your "My Love" folder to the "Other people" folder. So you're not essentially deleting her file, just moving it. Yes, this is how I think. I know it's kinda weird, but it helps - for me at least. Use it, don't use it.
Author myway4077 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 haven't been here in a while. thnak you all for your replies. i don't even know where to begin. every where i look i see that i just need to let go. my biggest problem is acting like everything in my life is great when i go see my kids. i have a problem acting like am cool being her friend when all i want is her in my life. she has some one know and claims she is in love with this person hard to believe when you spen most af you time at home with the kids. iguess am trying to tell myself this to make myself feel better. i know i know i need to just let go and be her friend. its funny how i know everything i need to do and do the total opposite. am going to do whatever it takes to get my family back. i know you can't make some one love you but if they loved you once you can help them love you again.
jessiebee Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I agree.... help the person though don't force it because then it's not REAL and you want it to be REAL, don't you? Figure out little things that will help her see your love has grown and changed and you want her love to do the same. It is ALWAYS worth a shot!! Don't give up if you don't want to.
dazedandconfused2008 Posted October 16, 2009 Posted October 16, 2009 Well here goes...myself coming from the end of being constantly cheated on...etc...this is my two cents and what i would want to see. First of all, her leaving you was the best thing that she could have done for herself and for your children. What kind of example were you setting for the kids? You love your wife and your children? Then grow up. I think that the fact that you lost her is finally showing you the consequences of your actions and that people you love will NOT always be around waiting for it to happen. Sometimes we have to lose in order to appreciate. 1) People dont just cheat for nothing. Get some counselling and find out WHY you are cheating. You may be surprised at what you uncover. Addictions? Low self esteem? Midlife crisis? ETC. Find out. This is part of your healing journey and to continue to better yourself and become the better person you want to be, and if not for her then for your future relationships. 2) She keeps telling you to go find someone else. You know what? You already have how many times through your cheating. I think maybe she is testing you to see if you will or not? Its what she expects of you to do because that is what you have done to her in the past? She is waiting for you to just get it over with? If back is what you want...i wouldnt. Healing is about working on you...not jumping into another relationship. You been there...done that...I think its time to focus on better changes for you now. 3) She keeps telling you about this OM...u said especially after you guys argue. You know why? Your betrayal hurt her deeply. She wants you to feel her pain now. Her self esteem has been beaten down. Of course OM is making her feel good. Its nice to have ATTENTION...and other things...which she was wishing she had from you in the first place. She is still going through a lot of emotions. Hurt, anger, doubt, etc. The qualities that she keeps throwing in your face that this OM have (or made up)...are qualities that she thinks you lack...(or wishes you had). 4) Continue to be a big part of your kids life. Cheating doesnt just affect the other spouse...it really hurts the kids too. 5) Acknowledge her feelings. (And yours). Dont downplay what she feels or make excuses for what you done. Nothing worse than being made to feel stupid. Being cheated on makes one feel like a fool. Just listen and understand. You should be understanding now...you are hurting and missing her now...that is what she probably felt when you were cheating on her. 6) Let her know that you are remorseful and sorry. Write her a letter or have a private chat where you lay it all on the table. Dont smother her with it but say it with feeling and from the heart and with meaning and that you want and willing to change. If she takes you back and your willing to do what it takes...and believe me it shouldnt be easy...you will do exactly as she wants because you broke that trust and once its broken its hard to get back and takes a LONG time to build back up again. But talk (especially from cheaters) is cheap....SHOW IT. 7) Dont LIE. Be honest about EVERYTHING. That includes not lying to yourself. 8) Give her space to think and to heal on her own as well. After all this...go LC. She might or she might not decide to get back with you. That is HER choice. You dont get to choose anymore. You made your choice when you went outside the marriage. Accept it. If you are not committed to making the changes necessary to become the person you want to be then i suggest you leave her alone and let her heal and continue to work on yourself and stick to LC. Be there for the kids at all costs. If it ends up your marriage is over...learn from it and continue to better yourself for your own sake. wishing you BOTH the best whatever outcome.
Recommended Posts