when do you give up?

[myway4077]

Its been a while seens i have wrote anything. Today she let me know again that she is seeing someone and even though its hard for me to believe she tells me she is in love. She says its easy for her to love him beacuse he is respectful and thoughtful. But the day before she told me that nothing has really changed seens the day i moved out her routine is still the same. I know for a fact that she is telling me the truth about her routine beacuse i can hear it in her voice. My problem is that how can she be in love with OM if she doesn't spend that much time with him. Note she usually tells me about other OM after we get in to an arguement. Maybe she does have feelings towards this person but is it a little so soon. She keeps telling me i need to move on and find another woman. I need to find me first. LOL. I just moved near her house the that my kids can go to a better school. Am going to spend all my time with my kids. Am a little bit affraid of doing this beacuse i feel it will give her more time to spend with OM. I know i need to give up on her if am even going to have a chance at getting her back. I really don't want my kids around another man. It's been a year and am still hurting. I am hurting less and less every day but i still haven't been able to let her go. Should I just give up on getting her back? I have been praying for an answer but i don't think he is listening.

[tojaz]

What would you do if some one was chasing you MyWay??? I feel for you, i really do, i wanted my marriage to work more then anything, but it was out of my hands, and it's out of yours. The only thing you can do, the healthy thing, is to let her go and live your life for your self. If you come back together in the future great, if not, your not wasting your time chasing someone who walked away.

TOJAZ

[PWSX3]

Its been a while seens i have wrote anything. Today she let me know again that she is seeing someone and even though its hard for me to believe she tells me she is in love. She says its easy for her to love him beacuse he is respectful and thoughtful. But the day before she told me that nothing has really changed seens the day i moved out her routine is still the same. I know for a fact that she is telling me the truth about her routine beacuse i can hear it in her voice. My problem is that how can she be in love with OM if she doesn't spend that much time with him. Note she usually tells me about other OM after we get in to an arguement. Maybe she does have feelings towards this person but is it a little so soon. She keeps telling me i need to move on and find another woman. I need to find me first. LOL. I just moved near her house the that my kids can go to a better school. Am going to spend all my time with my kids. Am a little bit affraid of doing this beacuse i feel it will give her more time to spend with OM. I know i need to give up on her if am even going to have a chance at getting her back. I really don't want my kids around another man. It's been a year and am still hurting. I am hurting less and less every day but i still haven't been able to let her go. Should I just give up on getting her back? I have been praying for an answer but i don't think he is listening.

If you are a believer He won't give up on you. The problem is; we want things fixed now & we don't want to wait on His time. Sometimes it takes a month, 6 months, 6 years, or a life time but he does listen to us.

 

You can't make someone love you & as long as she is seeing someone else (the drug) she will never think straight so just use this time to better yourself & maybe down the road she will come to her sinuses but usually by then we have figured out what we want & having them back in our life isn't it.

Good to hear you are taking care of the kid/kids, that is priority.

[tojaz]

maybe down the road she will come to her sinuses

 

Sorry PW, great post but I got a good laugh out of this typo.:laugh:

[PWSX3]

Sorry PW, great post but I got a good laugh out of this typo.:laugh:

opps!!!!!! Hope you got the right word out of that miss!!!!

So much for spell check. :lmao:

[seibert253]

As long as the OM is around, she's not coming back. When a woman says that's it move on, basically that's it, it's over.

 

You gotta focus on you and your kids, not her. Let her live her life and make more mistakes. Let her fall flat on your face.

 

Right now, sounds like she stringing you along as a fall-back on. I think you deserve better.

 

For your own sanity you need to go LC, nothing but finances and kids. Nothing else. If you don't this is going to drive you insane.

[myway4077]

Thank you for your help. As everyone know this is thew hardest thing i have ever been through. I just think about it every day which means am board line insane. I keep hearing that LC is the way to go but its so hard for me to believe or even do. I want to put it in God's hands but am affraid that it will all be in vain. Have been doing things to better myself the gym, volunteering, church, seeing my kids. Am okay while am doing all these things but am still think about her and when am alone all i feel is pain. I just want to find a game plan that will work. I know i have to let her go but in doing so will i get her back? if someone can tell me for sure that LC and 180 will help me get her back then i will follow these things to the letter.

[cyabye]

LC and the 180 is not to get her back. It's for you to move on. You have to dig down deep and figure out if this is someone you really want to grow old with? It will NEVER be the same. You are in "scramble" mode to get her back and are not thinking much farther than that. You should be though. I have been in your shoes and know what it is like.

 

If for some reason she does come back to you, it was because you were her # 2. The back up plan (man). Is that what you want? The anger comes shortly after this. You will be angry at her, yourself (for being a doormat) etc. IMHO, you are better off moving forward on your own. She is not the same woman you married.

 

cyabye

[beachbum84]

I don't know if this is helpful but you reminded me of this saying.

 

Sometimes God calms the storm, and other times he lets the storm rage on and calms his child instead.

 

Perhaps it would be healthier for you if you turned inward and upward for time being. Find what makes you happy again, and keep your faith as strong as ever. Find something new that you can be passionate about whether it be a hobby or whatever, and focus some of the energy you have been spending agonizing over this situation on it. Try putting a little space between you and her, allow yourself the right to not hear about the OM. She seems to bring him up to only tear you down, try not to let her bring him up, and if she does just dismiss it and move on.

 

The 1st time I was engaged my fiancee had cheated on me, and then kept telling me he wasn't sure who he wanted, then there were times he didn't want me, and I allowed him to play with my emotions like a puppet on a string. It was the hardest thing to decide to walk away, but I realized that by trying to convince him of what we had, how much I loved him, etc. that I had really lost respect for myself in the midst of all of it. I also realized that I no longer wanted to fight for what used to be, b/c what was there now was someone who didn't know if he wanted me. As hard as it was I had to accept the situation for what it was, not what I hoped it would be. Now granted we had no kids or anything near as difficult as what you are going through. We also didn't have near as much time or emotions invested in our situation, so I'm not saying I know what you are going through. But try your best to respect yourself through your situation, and try your best to not allow her to treat you like a yo-yo.

[tojaz]

Thank you for your help. As everyone know this is thew hardest thing i have ever been through. I just think about it every day which means am board line insane. I keep hearing that LC is the way to go but its so hard for me to believe or even do. I want to put it in God's hands but am affraid that it will all be in vain. Have been doing things to better myself the gym, volunteering, church, seeing my kids. Am okay while am doing all these things but am still think about her and when am alone all i feel is pain. I just want to find a game plan that will work. I know i have to let her go but in doing so will i get her back? if someone can tell me for sure that LC and 180 will help me get her back then i will follow these things to the letter.

 

MyWay, if there was a guaranteed way to get your wife back, none of us would be here right now. There are no guarantees and no promises that she will come back. All we can offer is advice. LC and 180 are the healthiest for you! The fact that it may spur her to return is sometimes a happy side effect, but they are about reclaiming yourself! I will say this though, if anything might increase your odds, wouldn't you want to follow that to the letter??

TOJAZ

[singledad2]

You are doing alot of things right. Stick with taking care of yourself and hang with the faith. I believe the old relationship you had is gone and you need to accept that. Any future relationship would have to be a totally new one based on new values and trust. Let this one go, and listen to what God is trying to get you to learn in this trial, knowing that once you get through it you will be in a better place. The biggest blessings come after the biggest trials. I sound like a broken record as I have posted the same thing over and over! I will pray for you to make it through this situation within HIS master plan for you. Good luck.

[delajoonal]

myway....

 

i agree with beachbum 110%...

 

although they say they were not in it for long or any kids..

 

i can say i was...married for 14 years and children...and IT still applies..

 

going inward and upward ALWAYS applies when you find yourself at a loss for anything in life.

 

and although i agree with beachbum..ALOT..it is at the same time very difficult to do..so i knwo you are thinking, hmmm, easier said then done...right?

 

if you have time...go back and read some posts/threads, from me, tojaz, lisaUK ..

you will see the rise and fall and ebb and flow of separation from LTR...between just the 3 of us above we have invested 45 years in our LTR/marriages...

 

so that is why i thought with myself included, the back posts and threads from the users above, might add some insight on which direction to take as well as realizing you are ONLY human and will have good days..and back slides.

 

i know this may NOT make any sense..but after reading some posts..you will get it;)

 

i am also sorry you are going thru this..its not fair to any of us...

its just not fair...but we all have to believe and keep reminding each other..

 

that there is AN END...and with each others support..we will ALL get there and we all laugh and celebrate and see the REAL US and also realize ALL this pain..was for a very good reason...

 

good luck and keep posting...

everyone here is amazing...

if you get a chance..

check out posts by Gunny...vet of LS and many other things..VERY smart and has alot to offer in this department.

[myway4077]

Thank you very much for your replies. I agree that am the one who needs to grow as a person and i have, believe me i have. Am not near where i want to be but am really on the right path. I was the reason we divorced, i was unfaithful, neglectful, and almost any thing a person could be to make someone walk away. The beautiful thing is that i learned from my mistakes and can say am a better man today because of all that has happen. I am a better father and what i want her to see is that i am or can be a better husband. I was never a door mat and am not by far, so for those of you that may have thought that to be the case its not true. I drove my wife into this man's arms. She feels he is being the man she always wanted, so i think and so those she. I only what us to start a new relationship if possible of course. I don't ever want things to be the way they were, beacuse i now i was missing something as well, that is probably why i did the things i did. I pray that the person she is becoming and am becoming can get back together so that we don't continue this divorce cycle thta has been going on in many families. What do i do to improve my chances? i know its going to take time and patience but its worth it she is a great woman. So if you have any ways you can help me am all ears. Thank you and God bless.

[Steadfast]

What a lot of people fail to remember is that God doesn't, has not and will not force anyone to do anything. We have free will, and he will not interfere. The Word is clear on this, yet so many in 'religion' teach to 'let God in.' It doesn't work that way. You move to where He is, to Him.

 

This is critical to remember. It can be the difference between mental health and the unrealistic expectations of wanting God to intervene and fix. He won't. We, and we alone are responsible and accountable for our actions.

 

You've been given good advice MyWay and I suggest you follow it. Not all of it may apply to your situation, but most of us know what you're going through. There is no justification for cheating, not even revenge for being cheated on. If that is the case, either forgive and move on or divorce.

 

There is no formula, string of words or plan for getting your wife back. No formula. You probably can't go NC with her because of the kids so your focus at any given moment should be: 1) What is best for your kids and 2) What is best for you. Do this often enough, for a long enough time and I promise your ex will notice. Will it bring her back? That is impossible to determine, but she _will_ see you in a different light. She will grow to admire and respect you. I know this, from experience. It has worked on women far more selfish, self-centered and mean-spirited than your ex.

 

Finally, be nice to her. Yes. Be nice. Don't talk about the relationship, don't talk about your feelings. Be nice. That's all. Over and over, day after day, month after month. Just do it. It is like any skill; awkward at first, but easier with practice. You'll be happier no matter what she does or doesn't do and other women (yes, there are others) will find it attractive too.

[myway4077]

Thank you steadfast for your advice. I have heard this all along and am going to contnue my prayers, not that she comes back but that some how i can get her to respect me and admire me for the man that i have become for myself and my children. Am not going to give up hope but i am going to stop trying am going to be nice to her you are not the first person to give me this advice. But how do i apply NC to be being nice its a bit difficult. At this point i have give up hope on getting her back.

[PWSX3]

I like to listen to KLOVE on the radio & they were talking about a couple that separated or divorced didn't hear that part but it took two years before they got back together & now they say there marriage is better then ever.

 

In divorce class they also have examples of people doing that, but I don't think the odds are that great.

 

Like someone else said; there is no limit or time that can be put on this. It could takes years if you are willing to wait or you can move on. Yes God gives us that choice and he won't give us the answer but he will help us through it.

[jmargel]

Thank you steadfast for your advice. I have heard this all along and am going to contnue my prayers, not that she comes back but that some how i can get her to respect me and admire me for the man that i have become for myself and my children. Am not going to give up hope but i am going to stop trying am going to be nice to her you are not the first person to give me this advice. But how do i apply NC to be being nice its a bit difficult. At this point i have give up hope on getting her back.

 

Myway.. you still don't seem to be getting it. You say you have changed and a better person, but your intentions are on still what 'you want'. You are trying to rationalize the things she says so that it looks better to you (ie. she can't truly love him because she doesn't spend that much time with him.. i can hear it in her voice, etc..) You keep mentioning on how to 'win' her back as well..

 

Loving someone is giving your love without expecting anything in return. She has done this for years and has finally let go. Most women let go emotionally WAY before they physically leave. They do this so that they are sure they are not making a mistake. Once they physically leave, most of the time it's for good. If you truly love her, then you would want to see her happy. This means if she is happy with this new man, then that's what should really matter.

 

Don't romanticize the past, don't lean on her every word. Don't twist the things she says into something that gives you hope about getting back with her. And don't ever put your own self-worth into this past relationship or any future ones.

 

Guaranteed she made mistakes during the marriage as well, it's human to make them. We often get too comfortable with our spouse and take them for granted without realizing it. That and a failure to communicate between the spouses often leads to divorce.

 

What you need right now is resolution, to be ok with yourself that you messed up but you are ready to move on. Whether she will be in your life in the future or not, that's not what is important. Holding yourself back is preventing yourself from living.

 

Look up the five stages of grief, it's something you are going through. When my ex-fiancee left I was in the same position you were. One day, which will happen to you, you will wake up and forgive yourself and realize it wasn't all your fault but that you have learned enough from it to move on. That is the day when you can see hope again.. for yourself.

 

Becareful on this process, it's been going on for quite awhile with you. Have you been sucidial? You sound depressed.

[myway4077]

Thank you for your replies. Pwsx did you and your wife or husband get back together? And to answer your question about think ing about ending it i have to admit that it has crossed my mind. The only thing that keeps me going are my kids. I have been trying to deal with this for awhile now. Its getting a little better. The one thing that i don't like about coming to this forum is the that amny people are abit negative well maybe not negative i guess you can call it truthful. It would be nice to hear some positive stories of people who made it through this painful experience. It would be nice to have someone help with a game plan as to how to take steps to reconcile with the one you love, even if its baby steps. For some reason i feel like i have a chance. But i know i need to let her go and start to live my life.

[PWSX3]

Thank you for your replies. Pwsx did you and your wife or husband get back together?

No I did not get back with my W, she was the one that filed. In the last 6 years she filed for separation, then a year later she left for 7 months & we got back together, then she moved out & filed for divorce so she hasn't been happy for a while. I don't feel the counselor that we had was hard enough on us, she would tell my W to do homework & she never did, I spent my time trying to back up myself instead of "listening" so it never got better. It wasn't until she left that I found a good Christian counselor & that is what helped me.

Now that I have moved on my former wife has shared she wishes she never filed but by then it was to late for me.

And to answer your question about think ing about ending it i have to admit that it has crossed my mind. The only thing that keeps me going are my kids. I have been trying to deal with this for awhile now. Its getting a little better. The one thing that i don't like about coming to this forum is the that amny people are abit negative well maybe not negative i guess you can call it truthful. It would be nice to hear some positive stories of people who made it through this painful experience.

Google Steve Arterburn and check out his ministries. They also have a radio show I listen to & it has been very helpful. They say; if you can get your spouse to one of there programs they can save your marriage.

When my former W moved out & tried to get her to one of these & she wouldn't go, but I really do believe it would have helped.

I also like do a lot of classes that are based on Henry Cloud/John Townsend.

I feel the reason most people here are negative are because when the spouse leaves there isn't a lot you can do. You can't make someone love you so the best thing is to just work on yourself. It doesn't matter if you get back together or not, you need to be a better person. That is why I take the classes, just to better myself. I know they aren't for everyone because they are a Christian based, but for me they work.

It would be nice to have someone help with a game plan as to how to take steps to reconcile with the one you love, even if its baby steps. For some reason i feel like i have a chance. But i know i need to let her go and start to live my life.

One thing they talk about is when you start doing things for yourself, you start to grow as a person the spouse that left sometimes will start to look at you. Your W might be just seeing if you are going to do anything different.

As Steve says; you can read all the books you want & listen to all the advice you want, but what are you going to do about it? You have to take action at bettering yourself.

 

Sorry sounds like I'm preaching now, but I do believe in personal growth. We have to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with someone else no matter if you get back with your spouse or you start a new relationship down the road. I hope some of this rambling helps.

 

P.S. you can also google focus on the family. That is another Christian based program that might give some insight, but like I said it might not be for everyone but you asked for some positive input & this is the best I can suggest.

[jmargel]

I think at this point it might really help to get some counseling. Mine has a success story, I found another woman, married her and have a beautiful 1.5 year old little girl!

 

I am friends with my ex-fiancee, but look at her as a different person. We were together for over 5 years. It took awhile to move on, but I realized that she wasn't the center of my world.

 

When you place your happiness on someone and put them as the center of your universe, you can't move on. Actions speak louder than words and your wife has to 'see' your changes, not hear about them (esp. from you).

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. So, if what you are doing is not working why continue to do it?

 

Next time you talk to her, let her know that you've setup counseling for yourself (and please do!) and that you realize if moving on is what she truly wants and what makes her happy, then you are backing off. Also, follow through with this. Let her wonder about you and how you are doing.

 

Start setting short term goals for yourself and accomplish them. It seems like you put your own self-worth into her and when that stopped so did your life. Well, in reality it hasn't. You have a long life ahead of you, don't live the rest of it in regret and sorrow.

 

Somewhere out there, there is a woman that would love to be with you. A woman's life that would be complimented by being with you. By continuing what you are doing, you are denying this woman out there this chance. Don't let that slip away..

[singledad2]

Our stories are sooo similar. I didn't cheat, but I did neglect our marriage and my wife's self-esteem issue put a filter on anything I said or did to make her think I didn't care. I have the kids. She is out starting a new life without us. I have to be nice and yet keep contact down and it is tough. She asks for me to do stuff that is only benefiting HER while she does irreparable damage to these young kids psyches, and I don't understand how I am supposed to hold in the anger when she acts as if nothing in the world is wrong.

 

If anything is working good for you let me know!

 

All I know is that if I am not afraid, I am closer to HIM in faith. That is where I try to stay.

[PWSX3]

Jmargel, it's good to see you on the board, it's been a while.....

[SummerLady]

You can't make someone love you .

 

 

This is the ultimate truth. You cannot make anyone love you. When you know this and truly believe it you will have an easier time letting go.

 

Take care of yourself and your kids. If your wife moves on and gets remarried wish her well. Look for a love that is for you and is given freely. Stop worrying about what she doing. If your kids are around another man, just make sure he is a solid, nice person. Don't make this an issue as her life and your life have to move on. Someday you will be with another woman and she will have to respect that. Stop the struggle. Move on.

[myway4077]

Thank you all for your replies. Pwsx thank you for the information am defentely going to check them out. Am sorry that things didn't workout for you and your exwife. Being christian am going to look into the information you have provided. I was seein something on youtube with weiner-davis wish she says that most counsolers give people more advice on why they should divorce instead of helping them out with their marriage. Basically reinforcing the reasons they already believe they should quit on their spouse. I thank you for helping me on my journey. Like i said before i have come to realize that it is over between me and my wife, am moving more and more towards becoming the person i have always wanted to be.

 

I thank you for your replies but some of you need to understand that i still feel that i haven't done enough fo the right things to let my marriage go. I want to give it my all in a positive way without seeming to be needy, weak, jealous, and like she ones said help her see the man sshe fell in love with. I just don't feel that i have done the right things in a year and i want to try that first.

 

Am most defently changing for the better. Not for anybody but for myself and my children. I think this forum needs to have people giving you advice on HOW to move on and the steps you need to take and/or what steps to take in getting your spouse to love you again, wish is always a possibility.

[imagine]

I don't know if this is helpful but you reminded me of this saying.

 

Sometimes God calms the storm, and other times he lets the storm rage on and calms his child instead.

 

I like this saying...