WTF am I doing ?

[gdlookingirl42]

New here, but find much support for the situation I am in.

 

History: (I'll try to make it short)

Married 4 kids, in my early 50's, marriage has turned into a business, although I love my husband.

Work as a secretary at a Fire Dept. in my town. Met a Fireman, who is also married 2 children, in his late 50's. We hit it off right away. After about a year, he made the move on me, and I melted. We met up atleast once a week for coffee and great sex. That was 7 years ago.

 

At first he gave me compliments, gifts on holidays, and called me every day, and an e mail at night.

Incomes a female firefighter, she ends up on his shift. since he has worked with her the e mails at night stopped, unless it was a night she was off.

He has lied to me several times when I heard he did ambulance runs, or fire calls. He always tells me about his calls, but seems to use someonelses name as his partner, although I read the incidents and clearly see it is her he worked with.

 

I wont get into the whole seven years, but recently I am tired of being used. Tired of being the third wheel.

This weekend was his birthday, on my birthday, he walked by me and whispered "Happy Birthday", no card, no gift, nothing.

On Valentines Day, he didnt wish me a happy one, even after two e mails from me to him, both wishing him a happy V day, and he sent two back not mentioning a thing. I was leaving my shift when this other female was walking in to start her shift, and yells "Happy Valentines Day ***", and he yelled "Happy Valentines Day to you also !" If I didnt hear it with my own ears I wouldnt have believed it, and I wish I didnt.

SO his birthday was Sat. I am not the type not to get my good friends anything. And have been buying him gifts for over 10 years now. So I downsized and got him a Gift Cert. for a local restaurant to use with his family, a scratch card, and a birthday card for a special friend, and I signed my name on the card. I baked him a loaf bread and snuck it in his car when he didnt know, so he would find it on his way home. He never said a thing. No thankyou, NOTHING.

Funny thing is, this female has the same name as me. Do you think he thought it was from her, and thanked her instead ?

So it gets better. He spends the birthday weekend with his wife in his winter cottage , and then today had Field Training with his shift, who do you think was there ? Now Mondays are usually the day we meet for coffee and sum !!, but he never brought up the fact he had Training. He usually calls me in the morning around 9, but today didnt call til 12:30, I didnt answer, but he left a message and said "Im at training I'll be here for about another hour, give me a call when you can ". YA RIGHT.....

So at 1:30 he calls again, Once again I dont get it, and 2:30 he calls again, I dont answer that one either.

He is working tonight til 11, I sent an e mail at 6 that said "Hope your day was uneventful, and your night also.".

He didnt send one back, so I get pissed enough to call him about 11. I said "to busy to send an e mail ?" he sais no, I was just watching the game, .

Then I'm thinking he wants to ask me for coffee tomorrow, because today he was busy, and he drags the conversation out , and dosent ask, then he sais he has an electrician coming to his house at 10 in the morning to look at some wiring for lights. So that means he isnt available tomorrow. thats why he didnt e mail me.

 

Now back to the reason I am typing, besids getting this off my chest.

 

What do you think my next move should be ?

half of me wants to walk away, half of me wants to keep going, but it has turned into a convience for him, just a given that I'm going to be there.

I want to tell him exactly how I feel, and everytime I go to, something stops me.

He is very high up in my Dept. and could make life hard on me.

[bentnotbroken]

Why whine now? You knew he was liar and cheat for 7 years, can't be a surprise. You have been replaced, just like his wife.

[boldjack]

Your husband, Remember him?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Your husband, Remember him?

 

She probably doesnt remember business partners dont figure in to the company when others are skimming off the top...

 

lol.

[NoIDidn't]

I really feel sorry for the posters that make the mistake of thinking that because the forum says "OW/OM", its actually going to be supportive of what sounds quite juvenile.

 

OP I can't believe that you are in your 50s. This sounds like something typed by someone much MUCH younger.

 

SMH (been doing this a lot tonight)

[jennie-jennie]

Gdlookinggirl, thanks for sharing your story and your emotions. Don't mind the others, most of them are betrayed spouses and as such do not have much empathy for other women.

 

I understand you are hurting, but it does seem to me like it is time to walk away. If I understand you right, he is not only married, but also having another other woman. Unless you are okay with this, you should try to distance yourself from him, try to minimize the contact as hard as it can be. You can never force someone to have more of a relationship with you than they want to, but of course you know that already.

 

Hugs from me to you. I understand how hard it must be after seven years.

[jennie-jennie]

I want to tell him exactly how I feel, and everytime I go to, something stops me.

 

This is an option available to you if it helps you to decide what to do next. I would probably do that, especially if I was not certain whether my suspicions of him having another other woman were well grounded or not. You have known him for a long while. You should be able to have a heart-to-heart talk with him.

[whichwayisup]

Don't waste anymore of your time, energy and love on this MM. He's scum and in it for himself. His actions are showing you who he is. There's no point in telling him anything, he just doesn't seem to care enough..If he did, and really if you did, both of you would divorce your spouses and be together the right way, and not be in an affair.

 

Put that energy into your husband, your marriage.

 

I want to tell him exactly how I feel, and everytime I go to, something stops me.

I think deep down you know what's stopping you from telling him.

[whichwayisup]

Gdlookinggirl, thanks for sharing your story and your emotions. Don't mind the others, most of them are betrayed spouses and as such do not have much empathy for other women.

 

She isn't "just an OW", she's a MARRIED OW. She's chosen to cheat and lie, betray her husband, just like her MM is doing exact same thing to his wife - And now to HER. He a serial cheater, so it seems.

[Owl]

I'd disagree that most BS's don't have any empathy for OW...on the contrary, most of the posters here DO have that empathy.

 

I think we'd all agree she's hurting.

 

But, I'd also agree with all the comments made so far...she should work on reinvesting all her efforts into her marriage rather than into trying to decide what to do with MM now that he's found a new OW.

[Devil Inside]

Gdlooking...sorry for your pain.

 

I would agree with those that have said that it is probably time to end this. I don't think that he is going to be able to give you what you once had with him. It was great while it lasted...but in the end most As end with somebody being hurt, and everyone being effected.

 

Do you think that there is anyway that your husband can give you what you got from this man? If you can't work that out in yourself and with him you may find yourself in this A for a long time or vulnerable to another one.

 

Good luck...keep us informed.

[Owl]

Gdlooking...sorry for your pain.

 

I would agree with those that have said that it is probably time to end this. I don't think that he is going to be able to give you what you once had with him. It was great while it lasted...but in the end most As end with somebody being hurt, and everyone being effected.

 

Do you think that there is anyway that your husband can give you what you got from this man? If you can't work that out in yourself and with him you may find yourself in this A for a long time or vulnerable to another one.

 

Good luck...keep us informed.

 

Exactly...and if you feel that your H can't give you this, then maybe part of your recovery strategy will be figuring out how to divorce and move on.

 

No one is saying that your H is perfect, or that you HAVE to reconcile with him...but everyone is saying that you need to work on one relationship or the other.

[JamesM]

I understand why you did what you did. But surely you realized that the end someday would not be pretty?

 

I do not fault you for cheating on your husband, but as has been said, affairs are built on distrust and honesty.

 

Giving my opinions does mot help you so instead I give my ideas of what to do....

 

Move on. Talk with him and ask what he would like to do. "Is it time that we move on? Is this still working? Or are you developing feelings for ***? If so, then maybe this should be over, but let's leave on amiable terms."

 

Or the other option is that you could leave it as is and continue to have coffee and "dessert" with him as an escape from your own marriage. The negatives with that are mostly jealousy from you and her. Her jealousy may lead to a revelation of your affair because she may see him as the scum that he is.

 

Note...While some would already see him as a jerk for cheating with you, I think most if not all would see him as a jerk for cheating on two women. It is one thing to say that this guy's marriage is unhappy and he needs someone, but when he has two, then it becomes a case of simply meeting his needs and despising everyone else's.

[whichwayisup]

I re-read your post again.. It just really seems you're totally jealous.

 

Incomes a female firefighter, she ends up on his shift. since he has worked with her the e mails at night stopped, unless it was a night she was off.

 

There ARE other FF's around, yes? I highly doubt he's getting sex or fooling around on the job. Especially even more so for her since she's a female FF. Last thing she wants is a reputation of sleeping around or something with her fellow Firehouse brothers.

 

It also seems that you're taking advantage of certain perks while on the job.. Checking up on him, reading incident reports .. For the WRONG reasons. Those reports are there for a reason, but your intentions are not professional at all. If your boss knew what you were up to, don't you think he/she would think it was wrong?

 

He spends the birthday weekend with his wife in his winter cottage , and then today had Field Training with his shift, who do you think was there

 

Uhh, it's his job and it's her job. Training.. They work the same shift so yes, she's going to be there.

 

Bottomline is, you aren't his wife and he isn't obligated to you. He doesn't owe you any explanations and you've put so much expectation on him, have him on a leash, you don't trust him and he knows it, so he figures it's easier for him to deal with you so he LIES/OMITS truths..

 

He is a cheater. You were the OW while he cheated on his wife.. Now he's cheating with another OW..

 

End it and focus on fixing your marriage.

[fooled once]

New here, but find much support for the situation I am in.

 

History: (I'll try to make it short)

Married 4 kids, in my early 50's, marriage has turned into a business, although I love my husband.

Work as a secretary at a Fire Dept. in my town. Met a Fireman, who is also married 2 children, in his late 50's. We hit it off right away. After about a year, he made the move on me, and I melted. We met up atleast once a week for coffee and great sex. That was 7 years ago.

 

At first he gave me compliments, gifts on holidays, and called me every day, and an e mail at night.

Incomes a female firefighter, she ends up on his shift. since he has worked with her the e mails at night stopped, unless it was a night she was off.

He has lied to me several times when I heard he did ambulance runs, or fire calls. He always tells me about his calls, but seems to use someonelses name as his partner, although I read the incidents and clearly see it is her he worked with.

 

I wont get into the whole seven years, but recently I am tired of being used. Tired of being the third wheel.

This weekend was his birthday, on my birthday, he walked by me and whispered "Happy Birthday", no card, no gift, nothing.

On Valentines Day, he didnt wish me a happy one, even after two e mails from me to him, both wishing him a happy V day, and he sent two back not mentioning a thing. I was leaving my shift when this other female was walking in to start her shift, and yells "Happy Valentines Day ***", and he yelled "Happy Valentines Day to you also !" If I didnt hear it with my own ears I wouldnt have believed it, and I wish I didnt.

SO his birthday was Sat. I am not the type not to get my good friends anything. And have been buying him gifts for over 10 years now. So I downsized and got him a Gift Cert. for a local restaurant to use with his family, a scratch card, and a birthday card for a special friend, and I signed my name on the card. I baked him a loaf bread and snuck it in his car when he didnt know, so he would find it on his way home. He never said a thing. No thankyou, NOTHING.

Funny thing is, this female has the same name as me. Do you think he thought it was from her, and thanked her instead ?

So it gets better. He spends the birthday weekend with his wife in his winter cottage , and then today had Field Training with his shift, who do you think was there ? Now Mondays are usually the day we meet for coffee and sum !!, but he never brought up the fact he had Training. He usually calls me in the morning around 9, but today didnt call til 12:30, I didnt answer, but he left a message and said "Im at training I'll be here for about another hour, give me a call when you can ". YA RIGHT.....

So at 1:30 he calls again, Once again I dont get it, and 2:30 he calls again, I dont answer that one either.

He is working tonight til 11, I sent an e mail at 6 that said "Hope your day was uneventful, and your night also.".

He didnt send one back, so I get pissed enough to call him about 11. I said "to busy to send an e mail ?" he sais no, I was just watching the game, .

Then I'm thinking he wants to ask me for coffee tomorrow, because today he was busy, and he drags the conversation out , and dosent ask, then he sais he has an electrician coming to his house at 10 in the morning to look at some wiring for lights. So that means he isnt available tomorrow. thats why he didnt e mail me.

 

Now back to the reason I am typing, besids getting this off my chest.

 

What do you think my next move should be ?

half of me wants to walk away, half of me wants to keep going, but it has turned into a convience for him, just a given that I'm going to be there.

I want to tell him exactly how I feel, and everytime I go to, something stops me.

He is very high up in my Dept. and could make life hard on me.

 

Your next move??

 

The MM you are cheating with has a new girlfriend, right?

 

And you are wondering what your next move should be?

 

You are mad he didn't send you an email, but he called you 3 times and you ignored those calls.....

 

Sounds like a lot of game playing, besides cheating, going on.

 

Your next move should be to repair your marriage and forget about him. Seems he has no interest in you except for a quickie every now and then; yet you have feelings for him. He doesn't return them. Time to move on...

[fooled once]

I understand why you did what you did. But surely you realized that the end someday would not be pretty?

 

I do not fault you for cheating on your husband, but as has been said, affairs are built on distrust and honesty.

 

Giving my opinions does mot help you so instead I give my ideas of what to do....

 

Move on. Talk with him and ask what he would like to do. "Is it time that we move on? Is this still working? Or are you developing feelings for ***? If so, then maybe this should be over, but let's leave on amiable terms."

 

Or the other option is that you could leave it as is and continue to have coffee and "dessert" with him as an escape from your own marriage. The negatives with that are mostly jealousy from you and her. Her jealousy may lead to a revelation of your affair because she may see him as the scum that he is.

 

Note...While some would already see him as a jerk for cheating with you, I think most if not all would see him as a jerk for cheating on two women. It is one thing to say that this guy's marriage is unhappy and he needs someone, but when he has two, then it becomes a case of simply meeting his needs and despising everyone else's.

 

RE: the bolded part......... why shouldn't she be faulted for cheating on her H??? I am confused.....

[JamesM]

RE: the bolded part......... why shouldn't she be faulted for cheating on her H??? I am confused.....

 

Because I do not know her situation. Her thread is not about her marriage...it is about her affair. This is not the place to blame her for cheating on him.

 

Yes, we could all beat her up for cheating in the first place, but we are on a board that is based on affairs.

 

If anyone feels that it is his or her duty to come here and blast cheaters, then they should stay away. I can understand how difficult it would be for someone whose partner had an affair to come here and read this type of story. My comment would be....if it is too painful or causes anger, then for the sake of all, stay away.

 

I simply was pointing out that an affair is not built on honesty and longevity.

[Dexter Morgan]

I wont get into the whole seven years, but recently I am tired of being used. Tired of being the third wheel.

 

thats an awfully funny statement coming from someone that is cheating on her husband.

 

 

This weekend was his birthday, on my birthday, he walked by me and whispered "Happy Birthday", no card, no gift, nothing.

On Valentines Day, he didnt wish me a happy one, even after two e mails from me to him, both wishing him a happy V day, and he sent two back not mentioning a thing. I was leaving my shift when this other female was walking in to start her shift, and yells "Happy Valentines Day ***", and he yelled "Happy Valentines Day to you also !" If I didnt hear it with my own ears I wouldnt have believed it, and I wish I didnt.

 

wow, and you are in your 50's? what is it with this petty Vday sh#t?

 

you seem to have this problem as if you are entitled to Vday sweet nothings from some other guy, when you are MARRIED. Seems your concern is very misplaced.

 

 

 

Now back to the reason I am typing, besids getting this off my chest.

 

What do you think my next move should be ?

 

divorce your husband and set him free from you.

 

 

half of me wants to walk away, half of me wants to keep going, but it has turned into a convience for him, just a given that I'm going to be there.

I want to tell him exactly how I feel, and everytime I go to, something stops me.

He is very high up in my Dept. and could make life hard on me.

 

I notice you didn't mention one damn thing about feeling any remorse over cheating on your husband.

 

Its all about this jerk who OBVIOUSLY didn't start an affair with you because you were special. He is simply a dog that will f##k any woman he is attracted to that will fall for his sh#t. And you are falling for it hook line and sinker. You have nobody to blame but yourself and the fact that you are married, but are steamed about someone screwing you over when you are screwing your husband over is poetic justice.

 

So does your husband know you are a cheater? If he is so insignificant to you that you didn't even bother mentioning feeling bad about cheating on him, but to the contrary feeling entitled to fidelity from this OM ahole, then why don't you just get a divorce?

 

really, what is stopping you? you obviously don't give a crap about your husband. Why not set him free so he can find love and companionship from someone worthy of him?

[Dexter Morgan]

Because I do not know her situation. Her thread is not about her marriage...it is about her affair.

 

 

yes, but she isn't looking for any advice on how to sever ties with a man that is playing her like a fiddle. She wants to keep the affair going.

 

So really, what is there to advise? say to her "hang in there honey, he will be yours again some day?" ??

 

and James, what do you think her husband would say if you were to walk up to him and say "I do not fault your wife for cheating on your you" ??

[mourningMM]

Maybe this woman isn't really a threat; maybe he's focusing his energy on his wife. How would you handle that? Or maybe he is just tired of the double life and buying gifts and paying attention to two women...your assessment doesn't sound level...there is way too much emotion. To do anything, you need to step back from the emotion and think about this logically.

 

Don't lose your self-control. A woman who is desperate and jealous isn't attractive.

 

Don't waste your energy. This MM is really a MOM...Married Other Man...wow. Or is it a MOP, married other person, whatever. While he provides distraction from your "job" of a marriage...you are losing your energy with all of this drama. Don't you have something more productive and useful to do with your time and focus?

 

Don't lose your self-respect. OK, you are a Married Other Woman, you have 4 children and a husband; you are 50+. You are in two long-term relationships; somehow have managed to maintain compartmentalization over time. Sounds like you should be acting like a mature woman, not a freaked out teenager. Take this stuff in stride...there are good patches and bad patches in an affair.

 

Don't be unhealthy. This is all tied up with the self-respect, energy, and control....it sounds like you are addicted to this guy instead of in love with him. The idea of his leaving you is giving you the shakes. Maybe, just maybe, it would be a good idea to take a break. Forget about him for a minute; maybe FOR YOU it would be good to take a break to find out whether there is anything healthy or useful or interesting about being with him.

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Use this time to reconnect with yourself (and your husband and your children). Maybe by the time he realizes that you aren't obsessing about him, you will actually be more attractive to him than you are right now. Or maybe you will decide that you don't need him.

 

Because being hounded and being nagged is NOT what a man wants from the other woman.