SCooke Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I've been broken up with my ex for a while now. Haven't seen her in a while. I sent her a Happy bday email a while ago, to which she quickly replied and asked me if we could stay in touch. i said yes. Then, she writes me back a couple weeks later and asks me if I'm up to meeting up with her to just catch up. I took a couple weeks to reply as I wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not. I finally wrote back saying yeah sure that'd be ok and to let me know when she wants to do so....Since then, I haven't heard anything from her. It's been about a month since my last email to her... My question is, WTF? Why would she bring the idea up only to ignore me when I say yes? i've always thought she was a nice person, and she's never tried to hurt me on purpose before. But I can't see any other way to look at this other than she's being cruel. She says she still cares about me and thinks I am an amazing person. So why would she do that?...this sucks because I just started seeing someone new and am trying to do my best to give this new girl my best attention and give myself a fair chance of falling for someone again. Yet, I can't get this situation with my ex out of my head, I go between being angry at her and wondering why (it's not liek her at all to be mean). UGH!
john1988 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Sounds like you have provided her safety net and by you saying let me know when you want to see me or whatever she can have you hanging on her next move. Should have said you were busy just now or some cockwash like that.
Surfer Girl Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Sometimes in the heat of the moment an ex will think they want to meet up.... and then think otherwise..... especially after a period of time.... perhaps at that particular moment she was vulnerable, yet many times when it really comes down to it.... most likely the ex thought otherwise....
TaraMaiden Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 The big mistake was the happy birthday message. Now she's got you dangling again, and stirred things up. If you are in the stage where you're still wondering why she's doing, what she's doing, when she's doing and with whom.... then you're actually not as over her as you might think. What you would be feeling, if you were completely over her, would be- "oh, I've just remembered, 'X' hasn't gotten back to me. Oh well.... When she does, she does, if she does. If not, the hell I care." and get on with life. Which if I were you, is exactly what I'd do, and avoid trying to second-guess or puzzle over it. She's your ex- for a reason. Leave it that way, and abandon any idea of getting into the friend-zone. You aren't ready for that one, not by a long way..... And sending an ex- a birthday message when you're with someone new? Bad idea. Discussing meeting up? Worse. Did you tell your current GF you were doing it? I'm not really sure you did.... Disrespectful, if you ask me. But actually, you didn't. So take that added snippet as just a by-the-bye.....If I was your current GF... I'd be a bit miffed.
Author SCooke Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 I sent her the bday message before I met this new girl (wouldn't call her my GF yet, no label on it right now). Me and my ex both took our time replyin to each other. Yeah you're right that I'm not over my ex- not completely. That's pretty clear because her actions still affect me. The pain of the breakup is nothing new, I've lived with it for a while..it's just that I want to be fair to the new girl, and I guess I feel guilty about thinking about my ex still...does this mean it's too soon for a new relationship? Is it normal to still think about an ex while with a new person? or is it a sign that it's not the right girl and i should do the right thing and let her go before things get more complicated? But then again, does it take someone new to get over an ex completely? Because I do feel much better since I met this new girl. I'm SO CONFUSED!
NopeNah Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 As you've stated... there are no labels on your current relationship. I'd continue hanging out,dating her,ect.. There's no labels. You're not stringing her along, using her to get over your ex. You're just hanging out. Have fun and see where it goes!
TaraMaiden Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I think you need to be open and honest with her though, because if you start manifesting your confusion as mixed-signals behaviour, that really isn't fair on her.... How is she supposed to read that, without all the clues available? I think you just need to be open with her. Tell her - it still hurts, you still have some feelings for your ex, because things are still fresh. Bear in mind that she might then think she's the re-bound. Nobody likes to be the rebound partner. .....Is she? Only you can say whether she is or not. You just have to be honest with her, and true to yourself. And ask her to go slow, take it easy and be understanding.
gavinus Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 My take seems to be, It does seem like your ex wanted a reaction from you. It seems like she needed to know if you thought she was a nice or horrible person and by agreeing to see her, that has validated for her whatever opinion she was looking for, afterall if she thought you hated her, would you agree to see her? Of course not, so it seems she has gotten what she wanted and has moved on, so move on my friend and enjoy your new romance
Author SCooke Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 gavinus, i hope that's not what my ex did, but your reasoning makes sense. However, if that's what she did, it kinda defeats the purpose because NOW, I don't think of her as kindly as I did before ...It's a shame, I really wanted to remember her fondly because, regardless of our breakup, she's been a great influence in my life...and I really don't like being angry at her like I am right now...oh well, anger helps the getting over process, so I've heard. TaraMaiden, I think you're right, I should tell her about where I stand with my feelings for my ex, and that I'm not quite ready for some things yet. I don't think she's a rebound girl. I actually like her a lot. I'm affraid, but I like her...I've taken my time after the breakup. I could have fallen into some BS rebounds a little while back, but I didn't even have the stomach for it.
Author SCooke Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Update: heard from my ex. She wrote me an email. She told me that she's officially seeing someone else (not really news to me)...She says she still wants to see me sometime but she understands if I'm not up to it... would you be upset if you got this email? I'm not sure what to think. I certainly don't want to meet up with her. things are going good with a girl that i'm seeing now. So do I just ignore the email? Or do I write back and tell her "thanks but no thanks" and "good luck with life" My mother says I should absolutly be polite and write back.. hmm, i want to be dignified, but part of me feels like that what she wrote is not even worth a reply.
john1988 Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 She seems like a decent person believe me at least she's told you how it is, I would send back a brief msg back.
TaraMaiden Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 ...... i want to be dignified, but part of me feels like that what she wrote is not even worth a reply. "Dear <ex-GF> I am happy for you and hope you have a good life. I am re-building mine and hope to have a good one too. When I feel ready, I'll get in touch. Until then, you go your way, I'll go mine. Let's leave it there, and leave each other alone, starting now. All the best, <SCooke>"
Beeotch Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 A logical reason could be that she is thinking the same as you are...that you're playing with her. If I send someone an email asking to hang out (esp if I know them to often check their email) and they do not reply until WEEKS later, as you said you did, then I would be upset or think they just want to string me along. I understand days later but weeks...that is unacceptable. Those types of game-playing just make things bad and confusing for everyone. So she perhaps thought well you waited until weeks later, she probably knows you saw it and waited until weeks later and is upset and has decided to let it go or do as you have done...wait a couple weeks/month before she responds. Something to think about. I think often times we need to take the speck out of our own eye before we judge our exes. I find that LS is NOT GOOD where that is concerned. Dumpees are often treated as victims who can do no wrong while exes are always villains who are always in the wrong ...that is very unlikely. We need to look at our own behavior as well and see where we could have sent mixed messages and messed up too versus being patted on the back saying we did the right thing and the ex is just Satan.
muse08 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 A logical reason could be that she is thinking the same as you are...that you're playing with her. If I send someone an email asking to hang out (esp if I know them to often check their email) and they do not reply until WEEKS later, as you said you did, then I would be upset or think they just want to string me along. I understand days later but weeks...that is unacceptable. Those types of game-playing just make things bad and confusing for everyone. So she perhaps thought well you waited until weeks later, she probably knows you saw it and waited until weeks later and is upset and has decided to let it go or do as you have done...wait a couple weeks/month before she responds. QUOTE] you took the words right out of my BRAIN...i mean really.if you sent someone an email that asks you something like that and they waited a few weeks to respond,that would be a sign that they were ignoring me on purpose.i say that because eventually you did respond...if you never responded there could've been a chance that you didn't get the message. but you take a gamble when you choose to wait to respond to people when they ask you something like that.i think she was putting herself out there by asking if you two could get together.so when she received no timely response form you (bad or good) she probably said something like maaaannnn, 4get this dude! people (men and women) play so many games. it may feel like you're in control for a HOT minute, but it just starts a vicious cycle that many of us end up regretting. plus it's just counterproductive to a healthy functioning relationship.why can't we all just be more transparent...?
Beeotch Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 A logical reason could be that she is thinking the same as you are...that you're playing with her. If I send someone an email asking to hang out (esp if I know them to often check their email) and they do not reply until WEEKS later, as you said you did, then I would be upset or think they just want to string me along. I understand days later but weeks...that is unacceptable. Those types of game-playing just make things bad and confusing for everyone. So she perhaps thought well you waited until weeks later, she probably knows you saw it and waited until weeks later and is upset and has decided to let it go or do as you have done...wait a couple weeks/month before she responds. QUOTE] you took the words right out of my BRAIN...i mean really.if you sent someone an email that asks you something like that and they waited a few weeks to respond,that would be a sign that they were ignoring me on purpose.i say that because eventually you did respond...if you never responded there could've been a chance that you didn't get the message. but you take a gamble when you choose to wait to respond to people when they ask you something like that.i think she was putting herself out there by asking if you two could get together.so when she received no timely response form you (bad or good) she probably said something like maaaannnn, 4get this dude! people (men and women) play so many games. it may feel like you're in control for a HOT minute, but it just starts a vicious cycle that many of us end up regretting. plus it's just counterproductive to a healthy functioning relationship.why can't we all just be more transparent...? Ditto.... I'd rather be HONEST and things don't work out than sitting around playing games and then things go awry because of my foolish behavior. I'd much rather things be screwed up due to honesty than screwed up due to unnecessary games. Exes are humans too and just like we don't want to be rejected and hurt, they don't either. It often takes a lot for people to reach out if they know they've done wrong so you either meet them half way or don't. But 2 wrongs don't make a right and as you said it will just be a vicious cycle of who has control, who can pretend they don't care, who can make the other person guess etc. It often backfires! Not to say you should jump at every request of your ex...but as I said...maybe waiting 3 days would be okay. But a couple weeks? No sir. You were wrong for that.
Author SCooke Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 I see your points, but I was not playing games at the time. I had heard that she was seeing someone from a mutual friend, and I was HONESTLY confused as to what I wanted to do. I was affraid of falling into the trap of being strung along, bla bla bla. In my head, I probably went back and forth a thousand times, should I say yes or no. Finally, I went with my heart and said yes....Anyways, it's all moot point now as she's told me herself that she's official with her new man, and I'm not up to meeting up since I am seeing someone too..But this time i'll write back honestly and promptly and tell her"thanks, but not right now, have a good life."
Author SCooke Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 just sent her an email, here it was: "Thank you for letting me know that you’re with someone. I appreciate hearing it from you instead of from word on the street…And thx for still offering to meet up, it’s nice of you to keep your word even though your situation has changed. But it’s probably not a good idea for right now. Although it’d be great to see you, I should let you live your life without being a distraction in your new relationship. And I’m sure he won’t appreciate an ex hanging around… You’ll always be a friend, but timing is everything and right now is a bad time for all involved. Please remember that I’ll always think of you as a wonderful gift in my life. Through the good times and the bad, you’ve had a profound effect on me, more than I was ever able to show you or tell you… I will always be grateful to you and I will root for you and all you want to do in life. I really, truly wish you all the happiness in the world , you deserve it. Take care and good luck with everything." Maybe a little much, but it was honest and from the heart. hopefully this is it, the finish line...I feel good!
john1988 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Maybe a bit too much but it's not bad, a great way to call a line under it very grown up now good luck with your new relationship.
Author SCooke Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Yeah, i figured it was a little much as soon as i pressed send, haha. Oh well, at least it was honest and it was what i felt at the moment i was writing it...but who cares, its a nice email, i'm sure its good for her ego. And thx for the good luck wish on the NR!!
Recommended Posts