kiss_andmakeup Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 You're the stronger one in these relationships, that's why the guys became more persistent. The one that loves the least has the most power. The two women I knew that got married to the guys from the clubs didn't give a crap, and that's why the men chased them. Although I wouldn't say that's a good model for any relationship. When it comes to alpha males, and jerks, not giving a crap is the way to get them interested. I wouldn't say my current boyfriend is an alpha male or a jerk at all, and I definitely give a crap, in fact I think and hope that he is the person I will be with for the rest of my life. I agree it's not a good model for a relationship, I never tried to make it into one. After my current boyfriend and I met, nobody chased anybody. Things just clicked. You just have to wait for the right one.
silverfish Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Well when two people are equally easy it probably will work. Yep - it worked for 15 years...and it would still work anytime we are alone in an empty room
dreamergrl Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Yeah but pointing out the exceptions to the rule is what gets people in trouble in the first place. It gives them false hope that low probability strategies will actually work. People can do whatever they like, but certain strategies work better. Also, even if people aren't specifically getting used for the sex, I think decent men just don't try it on on the first date. It's quite possible to get married to a player. Just because people marry or have a decent relationship for a few years, doesn't mean that guy doesn't have a character flaw and things won't break down years down the line. I agree 100%. Anybody can get married. Anybody! Which proves the point of why waiting to have sex isn't any better. Even waiting for marriage.
caramel c Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Which proves the point of why waiting to have sex isn't any better. Even waiting for marriage. Neither of us have proven any point here that waiting to have sex is not better. Not at all. If you didnt understand what I meant by that, I highly doubt I would be able to explain how I feel about it in a way that it would make sense to you.
JohnP82 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I've never had sex on the first date, but if I did I'd have a hard time taking things seriously with her. (I.E. Long term relationship)
carhill Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I would opine it's invariably better for the man if sex happens early. Now, in argument with that classic truism we have the LS women who enjoy recreational sex and attach no emotion, endorphin, oxytocin bonding or anything to the act. It's just pure pleasure without strings, similar to how a man typically processes it. How pervasive is that? I noted, out of thousands of women I've met, one incident at my wedding reception. Do I need to get out of the milking barn more? I think having sex right away is healthy if ones psyche can process that physical intimacy in a healthy way. If not, better to wait. Upon this dynamic, aspects of compatibility turn.
Trialbyfire Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I don't understand the strategy aspect of dating. You either feel like sex on your first date, or you don't. If you have sex on the first date and the guy who's having sex with you on your first date is judging you for doing so, he's a moron and you're better off without him. Having said that, I personally can't get into having sex with strangers. That's just me since sex isn't a sport to me.
dreamergrl Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Neither of us have proven any point here that waiting to have sex is not better. Not at all. If you didnt understand what I meant by that, I highly doubt I would be able to explain how I feel about it in a way that it would make sense to you. Actually, as he said, and you agreed.. Just because you get married doesn't make you flawless. Anything is possible, which means that waiting to have sex doesn't prove that you'll end up with a better R. But I wouldn't expect you and your holier then thou attitude to understand anything differently then what your set to.
SierraRose Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 So, I am going to challange this perspective. Why is it, it's all about what the men want? What the men think? As a woman, gee...maybe I would think the man isn't relationship material if he sleeps with a woman on the first date. Maybe it's the woman who wants a one night stand. Why can't the woman have the lines? "I feel a connection, you are so handsome.." lol Just a thought.... Seriously, I think each situation is different as the individuals. If you want sex, then have it on the first date, but don't expect a call back the next day. If you want a realtionship, then get to know the person a bit before going to that level. (Personally, I think if a guy is going to try to f*ck me on the first date, I'd wonder how many other women he has done this with!) When sex is introduced, no matter how old u are, the emotions change. Some for the better, some for the worst.
caramel c Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Actually, as he said, and you agreed.. Just because you get married doesn't make you flawless. Anything is possible, which means that waiting to have sex doesn't prove that you'll end up with a better R. But I wouldn't expect you and your holier then thou attitude to understand anything differently then what your set to. What I meant was that any two people can get married, regardless of how wonderful or disastrous their relationship is. I don't recall saying or implying getting married makes you flawless, or that waiting to have sex PROVES that you'll have a better relationship. As I said, I don't think you understand my rationale. I apologize; it seems that I have offended you.
bluewolf17 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Having said that, I personally can't get into having sex with strangers. That's just me since sex isn't a sport to me. Exactly. Agree 100%
aerogurl87 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Just curious what other people think and have experienced when it comes to first date sex, or almost-but-not-quite-sex? I've never experienced it on a first date (thank god) but I've had a couple of close calls, where it could have gone that far but I stopped it. Why do men initiate that when it's clearly a "one night stand" kind of move? It's not realistic to think you can actually develop into a relationship with someone you've slept with on the first date. At least in my opinion. What are the reasons men do this? And "wanting sex" is too obvious an answer. Could it be because they're lonely, or are a player, have a fear of intimacy or low self image, or what do you think? Just curious. As a female, I have had sex on the first date only because 1) I was horny and 2) didn't feel like I wanted a real relationship with the guy I had sex with. Surprisingly one of those guys ended up chasing me for almost 6 months lol (I had no interest in dating him whatsoever, although he made for a good f*ck buddy). So yeah, usually when people have sex on the first date it's because they are just horny, want to get laid, and see the other person as not having a chance in hell with developing a relationship with them.
reservoirdog1 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I would argue that it's probably less likely for a successful relationship to result from first-date sex. Having said that, however, I suspect it's just that: statistics. Which are pretty meaningless in this context. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. A successful relationship beyond a first date requires a convergence of a bunch of factors, which may or may not be present whether or not the couple in question got their freak on during their first date.
dreamergrl Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I think it is interesting that so many people have spoken up and mentioned several relationships that started with sex on the first date. Perhaps it's not such an uncommon 'strategy'. I don't advocate sleeping with someone right away on a normal basis, but I think sometimes in some situations it happens, and it works out.
Hkizzle Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I don't understand the strategy aspect of dating. You either feel like sex on your first date, or you don't. If you have sex on the first date and the guy who's having sex with you on your first date is judging you for doing so, he's a moron and you're better off without him. Having said that, I personally can't get into having sex with strangers. That's just me since sex isn't a sport to me. 1) People keep talking as though they have perfect control over their hormones. That they have perfect control over their emotions and everything is a conscious choice. The reality can't be more from the truth. Just look at how many people have irrational fears, or infatuation with people they like. I've lost count of the number of female friends that started off with the aim of a FWB relationship, and then totally lost control. The reason being they didn't realize how powerful hormones like Oxytocin are. 2) If you get emotionally attached to a guy that's very good at playing the game, then you're screwed. 3) You might think you have it all figured out, and whilst the guy is in love he changes himself temporarily. But anyone with character flaws will always go back to their baseline personality. Love doesn't do anything other than to prolong and slow down the rate at which they change back. That's why so many people cheat or divorce years later. Those were just the points I was getting at. Pick a decent man, and use as many things as possible to eliminate all other men that might be borderline, instead of finding out years later he's a jerk.
Trialbyfire Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Those were just the points I was getting at. Pick a decent man, and use as many things as possible to eliminate all other men that might be borderline, instead of finding out years later he's a jerk.I agree wholeheartedly with this portion of your post. Whatever it takes, it's worthwhile to filter out the unacceptables. But I have difficulty with strategies because there are so many individual differences, that no strategy will ever filter out ALL jerks. You just do the best you can, in the way that works for you. Trust me, I married and divorced one. He was an awesome liar, one who fooled me, his family and all our friends, including his close ones, for years upon years!!
IrishCarBomb Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Every time I go out with girls named Stacey, it doesn't work out. Therefore, I'm just never going to go out with any girls named Stacey. Problem solved. Wait a sec... you mean I might be confusing correlation with causation?!? Say it ain't so!!!
loveslife Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Sex on the first date? If he's paying cash in advance he can do whatever he wants..... sheesh, this thread is making it sound like women are pieces of meat that men are trying to use and discard. Personally, I like to get to know someone. Ever since the first time I had sex with someone I truly loved, casual is totally unappealing to me.
Hkizzle Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I agree wholeheartedly with this portion of your post. Whatever it takes, it's worthwhile to filter out the unacceptables. But I have difficulty with strategies because there are so many individual differences, that no strategy will ever filter out ALL jerks. You just do the best you can, in the way that works for you. Trust me, I married and divorced one. He was an awesome liar, one who fooled me, his family and all our friends, including his close ones, for years upon years!! You're a very street smart woman so I can tell he must have been a sociopath of epic proportions. Oh well, I got this street smart friend, and she and her female friends once introduced an abusive guy to their other friend. They had no idea this guy went around hitting women. Sometimes some guys just hide it so well. If I was a woman, yeah I know I would make an ugly one, but assuming I was a normal woman, I would simply go around assuming all men are jerks until proven otherwise. It won't stop me from going out on dates, but I won't get carried away with the "oh, he was so cute and sexy! He was so attentive and cared about me!" etc etc. Without realizing that being nice can be faked for a long time. Some woman women forget that integrity should be the first and last filter in the search for a man, and not attractiveness. There are plenty of attractive men, pick them then filter them all out.
violaaa Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 If I was a woman, yeah I know I would make an ugly one, but assuming I was a normal woman, I would simply go around assuming all men are jerks until proven otherwise. It won't stop me from going out on dates, but I won't get carried away with the "oh, he was so cute and sexy! He was so attentive and cared about me!" etc etc. Without realizing that being nice can be faked for a long time. Some woman women forget that integrity should be the first and last filter in the search for a man, and not attractiveness. There are plenty of attractive men, pick them then filter them all out. So insightful of you! Are you having life experience in filtering out the one with the highest integrity! Oh I think only real smartee would be willing to spare the long time :bunny:to understand one's whole underneath
Hkizzle Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 As a pretty mainpulative person (or potentially). I know how manipulative people think, so I can spot screwed up people a mile away. I can also spot the people with integrity, but most women won't be picking them. The ones that are outgoing, confident, fun and have integrity are few, and the few that exist are usually already in a relationship since they're not screwing around all the time.
violaaa Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I have sex with my bf after 2 months' dating. It is he who stops it at earlier days because he insists to win the respect, trust and real love before going for sex and he does not go for lust only. I see that he is leading his life decently and committedly so far as his words. It has been almost one year by now and I feel very secure with him. We are really looking for a life long loving relationship:love:
Hkizzle Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I have sex with my bf after 2 months' dating. It is he who stops it at earlier days because he insists to win the respect, trust and real love before going for sex and he does not go for lust only. I see that he is leading his life decently and committedly so far as his words. It has been almost one year by now and I feel very secure with him. We are really looking for a life long loving relationship:love: Good for you, happy to hear that.
joliegems Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I never had sex on the 1st date. Its just not for me. I like romance and the chase, giving it all away on the first date you miss out on that. Also, I always have STDs and AIDS and pregnancy in the back of my mind I have never met anyone that was worth risking all that when I fist met them.
Scottdmw Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 As others have mentioned, a big issue in early sex is the emotional bonding that you get. It doesn't happen with everybody, but with most people most of the time hormones are such that if you have sex you will basically be compelled to love the person, whether they are right for you or not. It doesn't surprise me at all that some people might have sex on a first date and end up together long-term, or even married. But, consider this. You meet someone and they seem attractive on a first date and you have sex. This person could turn out to be a total loser later, have all kinds of problems, and your emotions would be trying to justify staying with them. You would not be at all objective or able to figure out if they really match you. Sure you may stay together, but is that really a good thing? There is also the possibility of pregnancy— roughly 10% typical use failure rate per couple per year for condoms or the pill—see the Planned Parenthood website if you don't believe me. The rate is of course a lot lower than that for a one time deal or if you are not a “typical” user, but if it happens it really sucks. Ever seen the movie “Knocked Up”? Hot girl ends up in relationship with fat loser-ish guy after first date sex and contraception mistake? For me it makes total sense to wait until you know a person really well and love them without the sex. I mean what's the hurry anyway? Scott
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