likestolaugh Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 when you have a bf you love, do you ever think at all about other guys? my gf and I love each other (this I am certain of). However I know (through a friend who overheard her talking to her best friend) that she's attracted to one of my good friends... that she finds him to have a certain charm about him. She's apparently had a "slightly" erotic dream involving him. There's apparently another guy (whom I don't know) she dreamed kissed her and she liked it, but knew in the dream that she was with me. She apparently found these dreams to be bizarre.... I guess she didn't know what to make of them. In the case of my friend, I know that them being together would never work out anyway (he having to patience for people with the personality of my gf... I don't think he likes her personally very much) I know that my gf would never cheat on me, and that she includes me in her future plans... but I can't help but feel unsettled by all this. Things have really just been getting better and better with us though (she's very affectionate and all that), so I maybe shouldn't worry. She apparently feels bad that she had these thoughts, as he's my friend, and he has a really nice gf as well. I know it's wrong to ask her if she's attracted to my friend... but damn, it's hard not to. we're both in our mid twenties.
Shygirl15 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 when you have a bf you love, do you ever think at all about other guys? Never. I do not think your GF fully loves you.
bluewolf17 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Celebrity Crushes..etc-no big deal. But your friend? Ick. I wouldn't like that at all.
Author likestolaugh Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Never. I do not think your GF fully loves you. is it not possible however that you can be in a relationship with someone, love them, but yet have the occasional crush? It's like a fantasy, but you would never leave the person you're with to live it out... because you're happy, and love the person you're with. Honestly, she tells me a lot that we're really good for each other, that she feels incredibly lucky to be with me. We're affectionate.
Trialbyfire Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 If this bothers you, it might be a golden opportunity to discuss acceptable relationship boundaries. I enjoy interacting with men, even to the point of light-hearted flirting. This doesn't mean I would ever go beyond what my man and I have discussed, as our relationship boundaries. Once you get into the realm of strong crushes where you're flirting with intent, you've got a problem. In your g/fs situation, it's possible that her dreams are her subconscious mind playing out her guilt. Don't jump to conclusions until you've discussed this with her, in a non-accusatory fashion.
bluewolf17 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 is it not possible however that you can be in a relationship with someone, love them, but yet have the occasional crush? It's like a fantasy, but you would never leave the person you're with to live it out... because you're happy, and love the person you're with. Honestly, she tells me a lot that we're really good for each other, that she feels incredibly lucky to be with me. We're affectionate. Yes. Of course it's possible. Happens all the time. A crush is just a crush, sometimes it can't be helped. It's another thing to act on it. My comment was the fact that she has a crush on your friend. Honestly, somthing like that should never be discussed. What girl or guy wants to know that their S.O digs your friend? It's asking for trouble.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 It depends on the girl. I'm very loyal and don't check out or think about other men when I am happily in love. But I have some more commitment-phobic girlfriends who always do, no matter what. Some of these have admitted to cheating in their younger days, and most of them say they outgrew that and now look but don't touch.
Author likestolaugh Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 well, as I said, I know for a complete fact that my gf would NEVER cheat (and she never has in previous relationships either). If she was going to be with someone else, she would break up with me first. Plus, I would never forgive someone who cheats on me and she knows this. So, she won't act on it. Also, I know my friend wouldn't either. Both people have good morals. @TBF... I can't think of a way to bring this up, since she doesn't know I know... and it'll probably make things really awkward when we're in a group together (with my friend and her gf, etc...). I kind of got the feeling she thought he was interesting before... just by certain things she said, or the way she said them. But I didn't know for sure till now. I suppose I could bring it up sometime after my friend moves away (he's leaving the country in Dec or Jan). @bluewolf... yeah, it's a total bummer to know this. I understand it, as I can think of other girls I know and realize that it would be nice to sleep with them... but it's just a physical crush, NOTHING more... and thus I would never do anything. I hope it's the same way with her. I kind of want ot keep them apart if possible from now on (avoid social situations that would have them at the same place... this isn't always possible though). I'm ashamed to admit I now wish my friend was a bit less good looking lol!
AlektraClementine Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Yes. Have the boundary talk. It's good for both of you. Dissolves a lot of the excuses we could potentially make when we walk fine lines. Better yet, it turns fine lines into hard lines. To answer your question, not often. Every once in a while, I'll notice another man but it's very fleeting.
bluewolf17 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I kind of want ot keep them apart if possible from now on (avoid social situations that would have them at the same place... this isn't always possible though). I'm ashamed to admit I now wish my friend was a bit less good looking lol! And this is exactly why you NEVER tell your partner you think their friend/coworker/family member is hot, or that you have a "little" crush on them. I'm sorry for that. Just take it in stride. She is picking you, after all.
Author likestolaugh Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 yes, well, she didn't tell me. She doesn't know I know. I've been with my gf for a bit over 9 months now... she first met him within the first 2 months. Sporadically since then (maybe 5 times at most). Things weren't always as good with my gf as they have been for the past while... so it reassures me to know that this "attraction" to my friend surely isn't a new thing... and during that time my gf and I have only gotten closer. the boundary talk just would feel... well... there would have to be a basis for it, as neither one of us has ever done anything in front of the other that would even suggest such a talk to be necessary. I can't go up to her a say... "so you're attracted to my friend... don't get too close!" This would be very insulting and would mean I don't trust her (and I do). as I said, she apparently feels bad that she had/has these thoughts.
AlektraClementine Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 the boundary talk just would feel... well... there would have to be a basis for it, as neither one of us has ever done anything in front of the other that would even suggest such a talk to be necessary. I can't go up to her a say... "so you're attracted to my friend... don't get too close!" This would be very insulting and would mean I don't trust her (and I do). If you have no trust issues with her, I wonder what the issue is then.
Trialbyfire Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 You can approach the talk in one of two ways: I heard something that makes me uncomfortable... or I've noticed something that I need to get off my chest. Are you attracted to my friend? In the first suggestion, you're calling her out straight on. In the second suggestion, it's also a good way to see if she'll tell you the truth.
AlektraClementine Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 You can approach the talk in one of two ways: I heard something that makes me uncomfortable... or I've noticed something that I need to get off my chest. Are you attracted to my friend? In the first suggestion, you're calling her out straight on. In the second suggestion, it's also a good way to see if she'll tell you the truth. Agreed. You didn't ask for this information, I'm assuming. I like the first suggestion. You heard something unsolicited and it made you feel weird.
Author likestolaugh Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 If you have no trust issues with her, I wonder what the issue is then. I trust her, I just don't want to lose her.
Trialbyfire Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 While no one wants to lose someone they care about, allowing fear of loss to dominate your actions, can get you royally screwed.
seoa Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 ...I know (through a friend who overheard her talking to her best friend) that she's attracted to one of my good friends... that she finds him to have a certain charm about him. She's apparently had a "slightly" erotic dream involving him. There's apparently another guy (whom I don't know) she dreamed kissed her and she liked it, but knew in the dream that she was with me. She apparently found these dreams to be bizarre.... I guess she didn't know what to make of them. She apparently feels bad that she had these thoughts, as he's my friend, and he has a really nice gf as well. I'm sorry - she had dreams (while asleep) about some other guys...? There's nothing she could have done about it - you don't ask for your dreams...! Obviously she needed to process them with her friend (in confidence - what WAS your friend doing, eavesdropping!?) - and as part of that, I could see myself exploring the idea that personX turned up in my dream because they weren't completely revolting... (I think I would want to reassure myself that my subconscious had reasonable taste! ) Interpreting dreams is dodgy at best, but it's perfectly possible that her subconscious is exploring how much she really likes you...! Someone kisses her (in her dream) and although she likes the kiss (a purely physical thing) she knows in the dream that she's with you (so presumably wouldn't take things further)... Choose to take this all as a good sign, and let it go...! Obsessing will in no way help...
Author likestolaugh Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 well yes, in the dream where she was kissed, she liked the kiss, but apparently didn't let things go further as she told the dream person that she was in a relationship. and yes, I guess my friend was eavesdropping... I already told him I didn't like that he did this... but at the same time I'm kinda glad to know.heh. it's not so much the dream that bothers me though... I mean, I have dreams about people too. So what? It's that she seems attracted to him in real life too. THEN AGAIN, I feel like it's not fair to her for me to feel this way... just because she's in a relationship, it doesn't mean her senses are dead. oy. @TBF... I don't think (hope not!) my actions are being dominated by my thoughts. I was having a harder time processing this earlier and was maybe a little more distant with my gf than usual, but am feeling closer to her again (I do lover her afterall)
quankanne Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 is it not possible however that you can be in a relationship with someone, love them, but yet have the occasional crush? It's like a fantasy, but you would never leave the person you're with to live it out... because you're happy, and love the person you're with. I think it's entirely possible – even when you're happily married. I know my husband had a crush on a college roommate of mine for the longest time, and I'd tease him about it. That eventually faded, no harm done. And he teases me about "those" dreams I have about a boy I had a HUGE crush on in high school, yet knows nothing is ever going to come of it simply because it's not where I want to be, you know? (I've also groused about knowing I'm married in my dreams, so I can't even cheat subconsciously, which he finds amusing. And no doubt reassuring). if it's really eating at you, talk to her, but in a manner that isn't going to put her off or anything. Otherwise, just leave it alone. If it's just a crush, and you know she's committed to y'alls relationship, that crush will die a natural death.
Author likestolaugh Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 I suppose part of the problem is that she tends not to always trust her feelings... or rather, I think she might think it's wrong to have any thoughts/dreams about other people when you in a relationship... and therefore I worried that her situation will cause her to question everything. It hasn't so far at least...
AlektraClementine Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 FYI - I once had a dream that I told Phil Collins that his bum was nicer than Fran Tarkenton's. Then we made out and I swooned In the dream, I was totally digging Phil.
quankanne Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 a younger Tommy Lee Jones has the recurring "celebrity guest" role in my dreams dayum ... need to find his photo now.
whiteberry Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Yes! It's because I'm still in a process of searching the right one. Having a bf for me doesn't mean of "the search is over".... but the beginning instead.
ReturnToSender Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I once had a dream I was about to marry JJ from Good Times. And he was angry with me cause I wanted to straighten my hair. He told me the wedding was off and I burst into tears. If dreams mean anything...forget what my bf thinks...I'VE GONE MAD!!! Meds! Stat! Anyway...though I personally have never thought about another guy, or found other guys attractive since being with my bf...if I did, it wouldnt mean anything. Okay, so someone is attractive...and? I think you are worrying over a problem that doesnt exist. If there are no trust issues, shes devoted to you, and hasnt given you any reason to doubt her...then go with what you know, not with what you imagine to be.
SierraRose Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 We are all human and we feel. I think it is perfecty normal to have little crushes here and there throughout life. Sometimes it is a celebrity, a rock star, an aquaintence. Acting on it is something else... I used to have a lil thing for my ex b/f's friend. He was good looking, hot body, always smelled great. He used to flirt with me. I never acted, nor was I ever interested in acting upon it. Botom line is my heart belonged to my man, period.
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