mr heartbroken Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 This is yet another simple question. If you knew then i.e when you got with your now ex what you know now. Would you have still gotten with them?
silic0ntoad Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 No. Not at all. If I had known my ex had done the same thing to the past two guys, I would have left her to the dogs. To hell with that. This heartache is not worth the slabs of rotten meat she threw me at the end.
JamesM Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Being in a sexless marriage and trying to solve the problem still, even for me it is not an easy question to answer. If anyone has children, then their answer will be that they would do it all over again. If they don't, then they may have a different answer. For me, I would have to say that if I was with a different woman who gave me the same children as I have now, but fulfilled the role of wife better, then I would still have to say..."Let me take a better look at that woman." I could not say yes without a few caveats. Being as I feel a bit helpless and hopeless, I would tend towards the affirmative. However, for me, the end of the book is not written, so I can say that tomorrow may bring a different answer. Just my 2c to get the discussion started.
bluewolf17 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Yes. I learned a lot and I am a much better person for it. I know what a respectful, commited, loving and honest relationship looks like..so I can run for the hills when I get the opposite I don't think the avoidance of heartbreak is anyway to live.
Thaddeus Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Well, it kind of depends on the particular ex. With K, I wouldn't have gotten involved because I had no idea she (or anyone, for that matter) could be so entirely self-centered and narcissistic. With M, yes I would have. Nothing at all wrong with her, and our split was very amicable (we're still in touch on occasion, she's now happily married and her hub knows all about me - no secrets there). With J, no farking way. I had no idea she was a serial cheater until I caught her in a lie. With W, hard to say. We just sort of fell into it even though there wasn't much in the way of feelings or romantic intentions. It was more of a FWB scenario. No hard feelings on either part there, it just didn't really amount to anything. With some others, yes I would have and others I would have avoided. So I guess it just depends on the particular situation.
BW007 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 No. I would have kicked her to the curb before she got past my defenses. I would have saved a lot of time and heartache. There were great times too but she eclipsed them with her crap at the end. Lying cheater.
silic0ntoad Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Yes. I learned a lot and I am a much better person for it. I know what a respectful, commited, loving and honest relationship looks like..so I can run for the hills when I get the opposite I don't think the avoidance of heartbreak is anyway to live. I agree on the avoidance of heartbreak, everyone learns from it. I've dealt with it before. But my Ex was such a goddamned con artist with what I see now for what it is, a pack of lies, that I would rather have given my heart to someone not created of bullsh*t. I was blinded by attraction, and it had been 3 years in between relationships that I got with her, so I wanted a partner. But, I can honestly say, NO, I would not have gotten with her. Some people are just fake and use people. And people that are THIS good at it are hard to pick out. So I didn't learn much about my "people" picker.
Trialbyfire Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I don't know anyone in their right mind who would want to knowingly re-experience any trauma from a past relationship. And yet without these/this experience, who or where would you be, if you're currently in a happy relationship or situation? To use an old cliche, turn that frown, upside-down! Also, no one forces anyone to get involved with others. Your choice, your responsibility. Learn something from them and don't repeat the pattern. For the relationships that didn't end in trauma, I would do them all over again and change nothing, especially the end result. To change them would be to change the happy memories, some I treasure. That the relationship ended, doesn't mean these guys weren't worth getting to know and for some of my exes, they're still friends and in contact.
Thaddeus Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 No. I would have kicked her to the curb before she got past my defenses. I would have saved a lot of time and heartache. There were great times too but she eclipsed them with her crap at the end. Lying cheater.So you went out with J too?
Excellent Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I don't regret the relationship with my ex. But i wouldn't go there again if i knew about her issues. I learned a lot from that one atleast, especially the part of getting involved with someone you work with. That won't happen again. It's just too stressfull once the relationship goes into failure and you have to tackle them at work too.
Exit Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 This question strikes me a bit different than the "would you change the past thread". Would I change the past from the perspective of the person I was in the past? No. But if I had the knowledge of the person I am today, yes I would. She left a 4 year relationship and was with me the next day. I was too immature and excited to have her to see anything wrong with that. I may still have dated her, but I would have told her to chill out for a month or two and have some respect for her relationship that just ended. I would have figured out a better way to handle it instead of having our entire circle of friends thinking that I stole her from her BF. And if I had started out from day one having more respect for myself, I think the entire course of the relationship would have changed.
Ilovecake Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't let that bastard anywhere near me.
2sure Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 My H asked me this over the weekend. It was at the tail end of a conversation in which he needed to here me say that the past 4 years , since we married, had not been ALL bad...that the crisis of his infidelity had not overshadowed every aspect of our lives, that there were parts of our life together and our relationship...that were very good. I admitted this was all true. He then asked me, if I knew beforehand that we would experience this, if I knew before hand about his "problem" if I would have married anyway. I couldnt believe he asked me this. Further, his surprise at my response - a resounding and unhesitating NO..only serves to confirm the depths of his narcisism
caramel c Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Yes...he helped me re-establish my relationship with God and I will always be grateful for that.
4givrnt4gtr Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Funny you should ask that. I knew exactly what i was getting into. My friend kept bugging me to not date him because we all knew it wasnt going to work and the reasons why. As others have posted I told her that I had two choices. Play it safe and always wonder what if or go for it and if anything else, learn something. I guess it helps that Ive had more heartbreaks than I care to count and Ive survived all of them. I also secretly thought I would be the exception to the rule and it would work despite all the bright red waving flags So to answer your question, yes, i'd do it again, because I FINALLY learned that living life to the fullest is one thing, living foolishly and taking chances having 90% chance of failure is another. I also learn a new way to approach relationships which im excited to try out next year when I get to date again. In any case, I think we should always look at the silver lining so why regret something that once made us smile and grow.
Bobby2010 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 No. I would have kicked her to the curb before she got past my defenses. I would have saved a lot of time and heartache. There were great times too but she eclipsed them with her crap at the end. Lying cheater. Same. Just switch "got past my defenses" to "talked me into moving to the other side of the globe to be with her" Piece of dirt lying coward cheater. Simple answer. No.
Homies Over Hoes Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 She left a 4 year relationship and was with me the next day. I was too immature and excited to have her to see anything wrong with that. I may still have dated her, but I would have told her to chill out for a month or two and have some respect for her relationship that just ended. I would have figured out a better way to handle it instead of having our entire circle of friends thinking that I stole her from her BF. And if I had started out from day one having more respect for myself, I think the entire course of the relationship would have changed. wow that sounds VERY similar to my situation. i didn't think anything of it at the time because like you, i was also too immature and far too infatuated to notice anything of her "serial dating" personality.
borbiusle Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Yeah, I would have taken the relationship day-by-day instead of pouring myself into it, that's the only thing I would change.
katiebour Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Yes, and knowing what I know now I would have avoided the pitfalls of credit card debt, not learning to drive for such a long time, and spending money on the wrong kind of post-secondary education. If I had done all those things then, instead of now, and met the ex, I have a feeling that the elimination of the financial stress and me being more independent, plus knowing what career I wanted, might have changed the outcome of our relationship to a more positive one. My situation contributed a lot to the stressors in the relationship, and turned what I thought was a good thing into something that he wanted out of. Hindsight is 20/20. I can't go back and change how things turned out, but that doesn't stop me from playing the "what if" game. So not so much that I would have changed anything about the relationship- I would have changed ME.
Arabella Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I would have. He had a ton of issues (mainly related to mental illness) I knew -nothing- about when we first got together that ultimately led to the demise of our relationship. But, he felt the need to hide them from me so he could maintain the idealistic, perfect facade of himself that he wants people to see. Had I known what I know now, I would have known how to handle the situation better than I did. It may not have saved the relationship but it may have saved my heart Arabella
Tayla Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 hindsight is always 20/20. Nice to look back on from a different perspective. Being on the inside one can simply NOT have a clear view of things. But at the same time they are closer to the subject I subscribed to the one poster who said basically, yes, no and maybe. Contingent on the relationship at that time. Would love to re-connect with R- He and I deserved closure. Still count him as a blessing though for inspiring that joy for life! Avoid like the plague "J" and "T" -Those were lessons no lady should need to learn to get thru life. we dont always have to stoop so low to know there is a H*ll here on earth....
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