Tori2103 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 So a recap of my story. My bf and I met a few years ago on wow. We were both married. I am now separated, pending a divorce. My husband was emotionally abusive. My bf's wife cheated on him and forced him into an open marriage almost 10 years ago. He didn't divorce her at the time because he wanted to stay part of his kids' lives. She has been with this other person ever since. He's been unhappy, and alone for almost 10 years. I'm 24, he is 49. The age doesn't really bother us much, but of course it is part of the picture. He came to visit me in August, and since then have been having a hard time dealing with being apart. Last night, while talking with 2 of our friends, he made the decision to tell his 'wife' and kids that he is going to move out here. He sat his daughter down and explained to her what was going on, and told her that he couldn't live like he has been anymore. Understandably, it was very difficult for him to do this. He is very close with his daughter, who is now 15. He cried, she cried, and it was just a very difficult situation. He has been upset about it, fearful that he is tearing his children's lives apart. I am not quite sure what to say to him to help him. He says that he knows he was going to have to do it sooner or later, and knows he had to do it because he wants to be with me, but it still hurts to see him so upset. He is such a happy guy most of the time. I guess I just have to let time heal it for him. I am just hurting guys...hurting because he is so upset, the fact that he has to go through this...it all sucks. I never wanted to tear apart a family. He says it wasn't my fault. His wife tore apart the family 10 years ago when she did what she did. I am just...my emotions are everywhere right now. I am sad for him, hurting for him, but also really happy that he has made the decision to do this so that he and I can be together, and end the distance. It's quite a lot of work moving him across country. He recognizes all of the stress involved, and is having trouble with change, but knows it is what he wants. Any advice to help me help him...and to also keep myself sane through all of this?
TMichaels Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Tori2103, I've been following your story and while I can understand the heartbreak both of you have been through both as "a couple" and a result of your failed prior relationships, you probably won't like what I have to say. I don't doubt you both have formed a bond over the past couple of years which was borne out when he visited, but it sounds to me that both of you are doing a fair amount of fantastizing to escape the reality of your own situations and lives. If I have interpreted your past posts accurately, you were married at a young age and only for a couple of years. Things weren't going well and the only place you found understanding and support for your predicament was with someone you had never met except through playing an on-line fantasy game whom also was not happy with his marital situation. Your husband told you it was either him or this other guy. You chose the other guy whom you'd never actually met over your husband as you say you were "looking for an out" and you took it. Divorce papers have been filed, you moved out, but you still aren't divorced and don't like being alone. This guy supposedly has been putting up with his wife having an open affair with someone else for a decade because of the children. The eldest is only nine years your senior and the youngest only eleven years old. One minute he's talking about how he could get a place of his own and you could move from Michigan to California to live with him. But wait, that won't work. He's been laid off, and the other reason he's living a "sham life" with his openly unfaithful wife is because he has no money and relies on her financially. Now, all of a sudden, he doesn't care what sort of hurt, upheaval or damage he creates in his children's lives -- he's going to relocate 1500 miles cross-country and move in with a woman half his age who's still in college to a state that has the largest unemployment rate in the country. Huh? This doesn't sound at all a bit OTT to you? Oh, and yeah... I forgot... He isn't divorced nor does it sound like there's been any talk of him pursuing one. Interesting. I'm sorry, Tori2103, but I think you're headed for a train wreck if you continue with this relationship. No matter how miserable both of you are, someone needs to step up to the plate and be the adult here. You might want to ask yourself why it is he has chosen to abandon the kids that he says were the reason why he has stuck it out with his wife for 10 years by deciding to move to Michigan instead of having you move to California. True, you moving would cause some upheaval in your life. You'd have to get accepted and enrolled in a new college, find a place to live and a part-time job. However, it would have allowed him to stay close by for his kids, but he's chosen to just do "a runner." If he's truly not happy and his marriage is unsalvageble, then he needs to address that problem like an adult and face up to his responsibilities. The guy has two kids. Sorry, but they should be his priority, not you. And, if things are truly that bad between his wife he needs to "fix" that problem as well whether that means getting a divorce or sticking things out until the kids are grown -- not running off to be with someone who doesn't cause him grief as he purports he gets at home. My advice to you would be to take the "high road" and point out to this guy what should be obvious: "That there may be a future for the two of you, but not at the expense of his kids." Yes, I know that would be like cutting your nose off to spite your face. But, no matter how miserable you may be "all alone" do you really want to be with someone who would abandon his own flesh and blood for greener pastures -- not to mention deal with the guilt that he left them because of you? I dunno. Not a place I'd like to be, nor a place that probably will endure for long, as at some point my guess is that "the burden of it all" will get to him too, and you'll be back where you started -- all alone. HTH, TMichaels
Author Tori2103 Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 Thanks for your advice. It's Missouri, not Michigan. And he isn't just up and abandoning his kids. He wouldn't do that. He still plans to financially provide for them, be in contact daily, and still be a main part of their lives. If he didn't think he could do that, he would not be moving out here. Also, he has decided on a divorce. Also, this is only temporary. He is going to see what the job market is like here, which it seems to be improving. I do not want to live in Missouri anymore. We both decided that we want to end up in California. This would just end the distance until my lease is up and I am in a position to move. I have the place to live, and until he gets a job, this is his only option unless he plans to stay in that zombie-like existence he has been living. He has already talked to his kids, and they seem to be fine with it, understanding that dad is not going away forever, only temporary, and he will be a part of their daily lives still. Everyone seems to think that he is some old creep taking advantage of me. He isn't.
Rollercoasterr Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Sweetheart, I don't doubt any of the things that you've said or your feelings for him, but let's just take a step back here, pull yourself out of the picture and look at it from an outsiders point of view. He's laid off, which means no money coming in to him. How is he planning to move out to you? Surely he isn't going to ask his wife for money, and you're not going to pay for it, are you? I hope not. Also, how is he going to financially support his kids when he has no job? Jobs are few and far in between to come by these days, and almost none of them pay enough to pay rent, bills, food, and then for child support. That just doesn't happen easily anymore. He says he's decided on a divorce, but what do divorces need? Money. Money which he doesn't have at the moment, and really wont have if he's moving, trying to find a new job, support himself and then his kids. My mother typed up her own divorce papers when she and my dad got divorced, but it still wasn't cheap. The age thing isn't a factor for me. Love knows no bounds. But you need to take a step back from the situation and analyze it all. How is he planning to do all of these things all at once? You have to learn to crawl before you can walk, and honey, he's trying to sprint right now. His kids SHOULD be his number one priority, and just because he says he plans to financially support them DOES NOT mean that he is still making them his number one. I know plenty of dead beat dads who think that just because they shove some money at their children that they should still get the father of the year award. That doesn't happen. If anything, his children will become more reluctant to accept you(especially the younger one), and eventually become angry with their father for just up and leaving them. It may not seem to you that he's doing that, but trust me, he is. He needs to file for divorce first, get that paid for, look for jobs in your state, and THEN move. Otherwise he's just going to end up living off of you.
deux ex machina Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 This thing you are into with this man is pure fantasy. Have there been relationships, starting as LDRs, online, ect., that have made it? Absolutely, I read about a lot of them here. But not without a clear commitment, and lots of reality checks. That's the only way I've seen them work. He's married. Long term. He has children. He can not just walk away from all of that. It might seem to you that love conquers everything. But guess what? It doesn't. This man is trying to escape his current circumstances. He won't be able to. YOU need to bring up the realities of the situation with him, and work these things out. Now. I am almost positive that when you start injecting reality into your conversations, not just some ephemeral plans and, "Baby, I love yous..." into this, he will cool off. He will run. And he should. No matter how much it hurts. Far better now than down the track. I do think he is using you. Consciously? Probably not. I'm sorry, but I think he is using you as an escape from what he has made of his life. He won't be able to escape himself, though. Not his wife, not his kids, not his responsibilities. And when the time comes (and it will), that he has to face that, you will be the one left picking up the pieces... Please understand, you have the power to face reality now and have some measure of empowerment here - or get hit with reality later, hit harder, and in a way in which will be considerably uglier. I do wish the best for you. Be strong.
Author Tori2103 Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 True. He will never escape his situation, and the problems of money, finding a job, and the responsibility to his kids are always going to be there. We have talked about the realities of all of this constantly, and he knows the consequences of doing what he is doing. If he waited 7 years for his youngest to be 18, He would be almost 56. He doesn't want to wait that long. I don't want to wait that long. I guess what you can call this move would be just a long visit. He won't even be bringing everything with him, just what he needs. We plan to be back in California really soon, so that he can be near his kids. The wife is taking the kids anyway. Does it really make that big of a difference if he is in California, barely seeing them, or in Missouri, barely seeing them? Not really. A lot of things will remain the same, but being here will make him happier. He has been unhappy for 9 years. It is time that he does something to make himself happy for once. The kids are older, it's time.
2sunny Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 what is so hard about waiting until BOTH your divorce and HIS divorce are final to do anything? if you follow the proper order of things - this eliminates many scenarios that will bring heartbreak for many people. lets say he moves - you set up a cozy place together, he does or doesn't find work... he decides to go back to his wife... then things are totally tangled up. just wait - his actions will tell you IF he intends to follow through with the final divorce papers. no harm in waiting now, is there?
TMichaels Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 True. He will never escape his situation, and the problems of money, finding a job, and the responsibility to his kids are always going to be there. We have talked about the realities of all of this constantly, and he knows the consequences of doing what he is doing. There's a difference between intellectually weighing the pros and cons and living the reality. It's called "life" and it's what happens in spite of one's desire to make sand castles in the sky. If he waited 7 years for his youngest to be 18, He would be almost 56. He doesn't want to wait that long. I don't want to wait that long. LOL... Fifty-six isn't exactly over-the-hill these days. But, oh wow! -- I guess you'd be an old maid by then, at the ripe old age of 29. I guess what you can call this move would be just a long visit. He won't even be bringing everything with him, just what he needs. We plan to be back in California really soon, so that he can be near his kids. Good thing, as I can't imagine the fact that he abandoned the family to go live with a married woman in a state half-way across the country will look very good in family court if/when that judgement day ever comes. The wife is taking the kids anyway. Does it really make that big of a difference if he is in California, barely seeing them, or in Missouri, barely seeing them? Not really. A lot of things will remain the same, but being here will make him happier. Um... Sorry, but there's a big difference between an absentee dad being 1500 miles away vs. being in the same city/county/state. To think otherwise is naive, but certainly is consistent with being out of touch with reality. He has been unhappy for 9 years. It is time that he does something to make himself happy for once. The kids are older, it's time. Oh, okay... So *she* got hers, and now it's time for *him* to get his? I get it now. And, that leaves the kids with what, exactly? A mom who has the morals of an alley cat, and a dad who thinks it's perfectly fine to hand over custody of his kids to someone like that so he can pursue his long-overdue "happiness" with his married girlfriend half his age? Nice. TMichaels
Author Tori2103 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 *sigh* I do thank you all for your comments. I understand how this looks to outsiders. I'll be careful and take some time to look at points you have made.
KikiW Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Ok Tori, here are my questions for you... How long have you been officially "a couple"? How many times have you visited each other in person? How many times has he visited you? How many times have you gone to see him? Have you met each others friends and family? If so, was it the majority of friends and family or just a handful?
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