NoIDidn't Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I was mentally checked out. This 'indifference' has also been referred to as the 'plane of lethal flatness'. I didn't feel this right away. But it did hit. I remember my kids calling me and calling me and not responding because I just wasn't there. I had to force myself to be there for them because they are too young to take care of themselves. I had to pull myself together because they didn't deserve to have dad AND mom check out on them. I liken "the plane of lethal flatness" to the feeling of being on an anti-depressant. Its a horrible place. Not being able to feel a thing, and yet being physically present for all of it. Seeing everything going on, and yet feeling nothing.
Spark1111 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 My WS referred to feelings of numbness after DDAy, when one or two friends and family members called him up to ask what was going on with us. I had thrown him out for a while so I would not expose my children to the raging emotions I felt towards him. The numbness frightened him by its intensity. Disassociative I think in his case. I mean all the lies and deceptions he perpetrated to keep this affair compartmentalized came bursting through open floodgates, exposed to light of day. He had been perceived (and was!) a seemingly devoted spouse and family man who.....had been carrying on an affair for 18 months! No one could believe, probably least of all, him. Who wouldn't disassociate from this mess.
tami-chan Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I was profoundly sad and yes, very disillusioned about love and marriage. I don't think I was ever angry, I guess that must have been my "numbness". I agree with the other poster's description about the "plane of lethal flatness". I was in Psych/medical care for about 6 months. I actually did not understand why I was there , when I was there as I was very aware of the my thoughts and what people were saying. I was aware I had to regroup, to have a plan of action, to protect my child. I never thought about taking him back, per se, or even saving/fixing the marriage. Was I indifferent, dissociated, in denial? I don't know. Of course, when I got myself back together, I understood that I was there because I had to be medically fed and hydrated. I don't remember being hungry or thirsty those months. Sometimes I wonder if one day all of the sadness, the anger, betrayal will come crashing in on me. I never really (literally) cried my heart out.
Spark1111 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I was profoundly sad and yes, very disillusioned about love and marriage. I don't think I was ever angry, I guess that must have been my "numbness". I agree with the other poster's description about the "plane of lethal flatness". I was in Psych/medical care for about 6 months. I actually did not understand why I was there , when I was there as I was very aware of the my thoughts and what people were saying. I was aware I had to regroup, to have a plan of action, to protect my child. I never thought about taking him back, per se, or even saving/fixing the marriage. Was I indifferent, dissociated, in denial? I don't know. Of course, when I got myself back together, I understood that I was there because I had to be medically fed and hydrated. I don't remember being hungry or thirsty those months. Sometimes I wonder if one day all of the sadness, the anger, betrayal will come crashing in on me. I never really (literally) cried my heart out. Wow Tami. Self -preservation of yourself and your unborn child in the extreme. First and foremost, you and baby survived. It is hard to explain to the opposite sex how procreation of the species affects the psyche of mothers and mothers-to-be. It is the end all and be all of every waking moment; it is biologically the evolutionary "trump card" in emotion, as it should be. I have a theory regarding the pain regarding betrayal: It is in direct proportion to the love once felt for the SO. Many marriages easily survive infidelity. They do not have my anguish. I think it is because I sooooo loved him. What do you think?
Spark1111 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 My 4 siblings and I had a childhood replete with unspeakable abuse. I remember playing with my Barbie dolls and living a pretend life where the Ken doll and Barbie were so in love. I also 'believed' in the Cinderella story. I literally created a fantasy that once I found my true love everything would be wonderful. Someone would love me then. And time passed. I met my husband in my thirties and he was my prince. Until his infidelity I hadn't realized the extent to which I had placed all of my coping mechanism 'eggs' in this basket called a marriage. The fantasy had helped me get through some of the most awful times of my life. When the affair was exposed it was as if every emotion that was pacified by the fantasy came crashing down. I was devastated on more levels than I even understood at the time. Time has given me insight into what was at play. Suffice to say that I imploded. I didn't see anyone or talk to anyone. My husband traveled for work so I saw him infrequently. I lived in a cocoon with my animals. I was frozen and destroyed. Yet, I knew that this was more than just the infidelity I was coping with. My coping mechanism... my prince charming... was now utterly removed and all of the emotions the 'prince charming' fantasy consoled when I was a little girl came rising back up again. And I've been dealing with emotions that have far more to do with dealing with an abusive upbringing than simply the infidelity. It felt terrible to 'believe' that there was literally no one who ever loved me. I have never told anyone... not a soul about the infidelity. In a strange way, the crisis in my marriage was a wake up call concerning the deeply repressed issues I carry forward. I had the comfort of my animals and, of course, prayer. 18 months later I am suffering, but I'm doing so in the light of day and know that true happiness isn't in fantasy but in the real life stuff. Lovely, my WS's affair triggered many childhood issues that made it all the more painful to overcome. I married the one man who made me feel "safe," after a childhood filled with chaos and instability. I worked feverishly to give my spouse and my children the homelife and relationships my parents were incapable of giving me. After his betrayal, I felt sorry for myself on so many levels. The greatest pain was caused by the greatest irony: Of all the people who were suppose to love, protect and cherish me, not one was capable of putting me and my needs ahead of their own selfish actions. Coincidence? Probably not, according to the therapist.
65tr6 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Until his infidelity I hadn't realized the extent to which I had placed all of my coping mechanism 'eggs' in this basket called a marriage. I told my wife last night that when i look back 11 months ago to the d-day, I am amazed (being a novice that I was) that I had put myself in that position to be absolutely devastated by my wife's admission. Taught me a great lesson, protect yourself, take care of yourself from both physical and emotional damage. Sometimes people closest to you can inflict the most damage when you least expect it.
TerryW Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 The funny thing is I feel more numb now 4 month past Dday. At first the emotion came so quickly. At about 2 months they (feelings) would come and try to settle in for a while. Now I'm like whatever. It doesn't matter that WH is trying to do everything right. The damage is done. I'm doing the right things but I realize I can't control his actions. I must hold myself back. He'll never hurt me so much again. You want to leave....You want to have another EA......Whatever. I'll be fine.
ladydesigner Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 He'll never hurt me so much again. You want to leave....You want to have another EA......Whatever. I'll be fine. Yes I know this feeling well. What is bad is this is where I am still at 1 year later. I have never regained that initial love and respect that i used to have for my H. I had my own A years after he started wandering. I never thought I was capable of having an A. The feeling of being numb practically drove me right to where I shouldn't have been going into an A. Of course I made that choice regrettably.
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