Devil Inside Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 So it has been over a week since I found out about my Ws multiple EAs and her one time PA. I had an initial feeling of shock and hurt...but since then I almost feel numb about the whole thing. Did anyone else feel this way? How long did it last? I know my situation is a little different in that I also had an A and confessed the same day I found about her infidelity. My concern is that my guilt is making it hard for me to feel what I need to. I started to feel some anger...but now it's gone...there is just kind of nothing there right now...that can't be normal. Of course I know nothing is normal, and I will feel other things in time...but it worries me.
Owl Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Perhaps you feel numb rather than anger because you've already been in the process of emotionally distancing yourself from her for sometime as a result of your own affair? You're feeling less pain simply because you'd already been 'checking out" yourself...that's my first thought, at least. And...you may be right...you may already be so emotionally traumatized as a result of the end of your affair coupled with all the stress of trying to "decide" and work out recovery that you're desensitized at the moment...simply not able to feel much of anything. My thought is that you WILL start to feel more as it "sinks in", and you work through all of this internally.
2sure Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Numb. Yes. Between the other strong emotions of Rage, Hurt, and Loathing of myself and/or him. Numb is the alternative that lets me drive, work, shop with my daughter. At first, I thought the numbness was borne of the exhaustion of the other feelings, then I welcomed it as a respite. But now I'm starting to realize that , recognize the numbness for what I think its going to turn into: Indifference. After all is said and done, after we all sort our heads out and figure out the who, what, and why. .... Ultimately, its done. It is what it is. I'm beginning to feel numb for longer periods, which is actually calming...but yes, I see indifference looming.
ladydesigner Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 DI I too felt at first angry and then numb when I found out about my husband's affair. There have been other signs of other affairs that I cannot confirm on. I had distanced myself prior to finding out about his affairs because I could not stand my husband's manic depressive states (he still has them). I truly believe all of this led to my own affair. I needed to fill the obvious void I had been feeling for so long. The feeling of numbness drove me insane. I felt dead. My affair brought me back to life (or so it felt that way and I know it was selfish and wrong). Now I am numb and in pain. I hate this. I really want to disappear but I have 2 beautiful kids to raise... they are the most important to me now. I am curious to find out also what this numbness is...is it a protective mechanism?
Author Devil Inside Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Yeah I guess that is what time will tell...is this indifference or disassociation. I can, however, still feel guilt and remorse when I see my wife in pain because of my A...so maybe it is my way of defending myself from feeling betrayed so that I can help her right now...but time will tell.
ladydesigner Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 2Sure Indifference yes...INDIFFERENCE is what I feel. Can a marriage ever be restored after that?
freestyle Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Numbness is a common reaction to emotional overload. I`ve followed your story, and I can see where you may have just hit a saturation point. It may be a defense mechanism for mental self-preservation, your brain and heart will shut down for 'repairs', temporarily. (I've been through it myself) When your plate gets stacked so high that you can`t see over it, I believe it`s healthy to walk away from the table for awhile to 'regroup'. Can you take a few mental health days off from work, and go somewhere comforting?
bentnotbroken Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Nope. At first it was disbelief because we had what I thought was an agreement on cheating. Boy, was I wrong. Then I was mad. Mad enough to set up a plan and follow through with it for several weeks. Then I let him have the entire rope to hang himself with.
2sure Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 2Sure Indifference yes...INDIFFERENCE is what I feel. Can a marriage ever be restored after that? Can the marriage be restored?? I dont think about that...I'm just working on ME. I have to restore some piece of the person I was before the marriage . Restore ME. I suppose, if the marriage must be kept intact I will have to learn to embrace the indifference.
Author Devil Inside Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Numbness is a common reaction to emotional overload. I`ve followed your story, and I can see where you may have just hit a saturation point. It may be a defense mechanism for mental self-preservation, your brain and heart will shut down for 'repairs', temporarily. (I've been through it myself) When your plate gets stacked so high that you can`t see over it, I believe it`s healthy to walk away from the table for awhile to 'regroup'. Can you take a few mental health days off from work, and go somewhere comforting? Yeah...this is what I meant by disassociation. I think you are right. I am a little overwhelmed. One good thing is that it has allowed me to function...to parent...to work...and to not be so reactive and say things to make the situation between me and my wife any worse. I cannot take a long break but I have been very mindful of setting aside time everyday to exercise, meditate, and write here a little.
MistyK Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 2Sure Indifference yes...INDIFFERENCE is what I feel. Can a marriage ever be restored after that? I don't think so - I couldn't do it anyhow. As they say - the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Honestly I think the bigger problem is descerning indifference from denial. But when things get overwhelming, it's ok to stick your head in the sand awhile to heal. Just don't stay there.
ladydesigner Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Well Said MistyK. I know I have my head in the sand and I know I can't live this way forever.
Author Devil Inside Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Well Said MistyK. I know I have my head in the sand and I know I can't live this way forever. You can't...but you do have to defend yourself from pain. You have children, you have a job, you can't walk around crying and in pain all the time. Are you in IC? I think it would really help. It would also give you a safe environment to let some stuff out.
freestyle Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 and when your head is in the sand, your a** is up for grabs. Don`t stay too long.
seren Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Numb? no, angry, sad, disappointed, lonely, really really gin and tonic'd to the tits, sick to the pit of my stomach, like I had a knife in it, lost 2 stone through being sick, lost because when the crap hit the fan me and H had normally supported each other (that happened eons later). Then relieved that at last I knew why H had been acting so weird. By day 3 I had spoken to OW, felt very sorry for her - she thought H was the one and he just didn't want to speak with her (very angry with H for this). Then off work for 3 months with stress sparking off my Lupus. Sat in a chair for a week, smoking, drinking and just not thinking of very much at all. Then kicked myself up the a and made some life changing decisions needed to repair our M and so off we went. I yr on and I felt so ashamed, like it was my fault, lost self esteem but developed a whole new side to our sex life, which continues. 2yrs on, fab life, happy, happy happy, rare triggers, but we talk about them. The A kicked us both in the a and we have resolved never, ever to slip into comfort mode again. If H does, I tell him, I don't I have my mojo back and it aint going anywhere. I mourn what I thought my marriage was, but look forward to what is to come. BUT, I still wish we had sorted it without an A.
PhoenixRise Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I don't think I ever made it to numb. I was devestated and raging for days. Then I quietly raged for a while (a much more dangerous state of being for my H) Numb would have been a blessing. Maybe you are numb because you have the added guilt and all the emotions associated with your own affair. It would be overwhelming for anybody. AND it is probaly keeping you from saying or doing things that you might regret down the line. I would be surprised if you stay numb forever. Just make sure you acknowledge and deal with whatever emotions show up.
foreal Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I was pure rage for the first 6 weeks. No numbness, just rage. Rage was my first phase...too much hurt to go numb I suppose. I've tried to hang out with Indifference a few times, but this next phase is mostly fluctuating between being irritated and disgusted with an occasional visit of 'aww gee, I sure hope we can get thru this.' Good times.
2sure Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 You know the biggest thing right now for me? I used to think my H was sooo hot. Since I met him, even after he cheated, I have never so much as looked at another man. I adored him. He had flaws, but I honestly thought he was a very intelligent man with integrity. He told me time and time again that I was too good for him. I never liked that he felt that way. But now. I see that he is short for his weight. I see his hair is thinning and he has hair on his back I dont like. I dont like the way he smells. He bores me. His indiscretions came so close to ruining his own career, that I can only describe him as a very stupid man unable to control his own impulses. In other words: Just another as*hole. I adored him. But he was right, I am too good for him. I sincerely feel that all of this, and him...are beneath me. Also, that little eye thing that happens when he is thinking hard? Its a fuc*ing twitch. I married a short fat man with a twitch. Jeez.
PhoenixRise Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 You know the biggest thing right now for me? I used to think my H was sooo hot. Since I met him, even after he cheated, I have never so much as looked at another man. I adored him. He had flaws, but I honestly thought he was a very intelligent man with integrity. He told me time and time again that I was too good for him. I never liked that he felt that way. But now. I see that he is short for his weight. I see his hair is thinning and he has hair on his back I dont like. I dont like the way he smells. He bores me. His indiscretions came so close to ruining his own career, that I can only describe him as a very stupid man unable to control his own impulses. In other words: Just another as*hole. I adored him. But he was right, I am too good for him. I sincerely feel that all of this, and him...are beneath me. Also, that little eye thing that happens when he is thinking hard? Its a fuc*ing twitch. I married a short fat man with a twitch. Jeez. :laugh::lmao: I am sorry 2sure because I know you are in pain but this is too funny. Maybe the much debated fog is not specific to affairs. Maybe it is present in any relationship where there are real emotions.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 You know the biggest thing right now for me? I used to think my H was sooo hot. Since I met him, even after he cheated, I have never so much as looked at another man. I adored him. He had flaws, but I honestly thought he was a very intelligent man with integrity. He told me time and time again that I was too good for him. I never liked that he felt that way. But now. I see that he is short for his weight. I see his hair is thinning and he has hair on his back I dont like. I dont like the way he smells. He bores me. His indiscretions came so close to ruining his own career, that I can only describe him as a very stupid man unable to control his own impulses. In other words: Just another as*hole. I adored him. But he was right, I am too good for him. I sincerely feel that all of this, and him...are beneath me. Also, that little eye thing that happens when he is thinking hard? Its a fuc*ing twitch. I married a short fat man with a twitch. Jeez. Good grief, I could have written this, with the exception of him thinking I was too good for him (he's never had a thought like that cross his mind, for anyone!) The twitch doesn't mean my husband's thinking, it means he's lying! Infact it might just border on a tic. But yeah, it took a few years because I was so damned focus on getting the marriage on track, but now, indifference. Not the man I thought hung the moon for 20 some odd years. I was numb at first and it was wonderful, compared to the ups and downs of the next few years. Hope has not been my friend, but indifference, and Tanqueray have yet to let me down.
foreal Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I married a short fat man with a twitch. Jeez. OMG I laughed when I read this! I am so sorry 2Sure..you are right though- you are too good for him. The whole serial cheating thing is just too much- but then again, I thought that about a ANY cheating before my own H did it so who the F knows? I had an IC session today and was going off on how irritating my H is now to me. And like you, before, man I thought he was just soooo damn hot and good and on and on. He rarely got on my nerves in 20 years. But now, geezus, I feel like my eyes are going to permanantly stick upward from all the eye rolling I do now after almost everything he says and does. Some times I wish I had a barf bag tied around my neck like a feed bag a horse uses. Pretty much the only thing going for him now is that I still do find him physically attractive, very attractive, b/c he is...but I still have not had an orgasm (with him) since Dday...and that is soooo not attractive, and sooo irritating.
eeyore1981 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Also, that little eye thing that happens when he is thinking hard? Its a fuc*ing twitch. I married a short fat man with a twitch. Jeez. :laugh: Me, too, I'm guilty, I'm so sorry, but that really cracked me up. I know what you are saying, though. My deal is I used to listen, because I used to care what he had to say. Now, sometimes he is talking, and I am more focused on the sarcastic little voice in my head. Anyway, as far as numbness, not at first. It's been 2 years for me, and the numbness kicked in about a week ago.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I LOVE that stupid little sarcastic voice inside my head! It can keep me entertained for hours!
LakesideDream Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Not numb. Devistated, and afraid. After 25 years, and all that went with it I was scared pissless. I married at 25, at the time other than my combat injury (spinal) I was happy and healthy. Twenty five years later my back had steadily deteriorated, other health problems had cropped up. I was in love with my then wife. I had given my all to the marriage. Raised two kids to adulthood. My whole being was totally invested in the marriage. At 50+ I was looking forward to winding down a little and enjoying my wife and my wife. That wasn't to be.
NoIDidn't Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Numbness is a common reaction to emotional overload. I`ve followed your story, and I can see where you may have just hit a saturation point. It may be a defense mechanism for mental self-preservation, your brain and heart will shut down for 'repairs', temporarily. (I've been through it myself) When your plate gets stacked so high that you can`t see over it, I believe it`s healthy to walk away from the table for awhile to 'regroup'. Can you take a few mental health days off from work, and go somewhere comforting? I agree. I remember my H being so emotionally overwhelmed by my feelings, her feelings, and then his own feelings that he just shut down emotionally. I left him alone and just let him know what I wanted one time. I accepted his feelings about things and let things be for a while. She, on the other hand, didn't.
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