wife's need for "space"

[RJflashycat]

We've been to counselling for 4 appts. now, and it's been pretty painful for me so far. This is a result of me having an affair in the past. At the time, she supposedly forgave me, and it got swept under the carpet. Some "reminders" came about a couple months ago, and it's all brought back to the present. Do, after 3 years, she is now "dealing" with it (the affair). Her biggest request from me is "space". She doesn't want or expect me to leave, she just wants no pressure from me on anything. She doesn't want to hear what I want, she wants me making no physical contact (hugs, kisses, or anything). this is killing me. My fear is that the more distance she puts between us during this need for space, the easier it's going to be for her to just call it quits. If I disconnect, as she says she needs, I don't want her to think i'm done, as that is the farthest from the truth. But, I trully want to respect her needs. Is she just setting me up for the end? We do have two young boys (4 and 10) who would be absolutely devistated if they thought something was wrong. We (the four of us) are very close, and have an unbelievable time together (even now). It literally makes me nauseous thinking how the boys would react if they knew something was not right with mom and dad.

Am I making too much out of the "space" request? Am i being overly paranoid? I would trully appreciate a females perspective on the "space" need, and what it may really mean.

Thanks in advance!

-RJ

[Subway]

I can relate to this as I'm in a similar situation regarding the space. I didnt have an affair but we are in a similar place to you.

 

I'm afraid I don't have the answers, I wish to god I did. It's a horrible, horrible place to be and I can so relate to how you're feeling because i'm feeling the same. I have had the actual, physical nausea (which I always thought was a Hollywood myth until recently!), I also worry that the longer we go without much intimacy (we have very limited contact. Brief hugs, pecks goodnight, arm linking when we are out for a walk. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for these things, but can see exactly where you are coming from.)

 

The only advice I can give is take it day by day. Hour by hour if need be. Try to be kind to yourself. Give yourself little rewards for getting through another day unscathed. As I do you will want to keep asking her How she is, or how shes feeling. Like me, try to resist it, but say to her once, and once only. "OK, I don't want to put pressure of any kind on you so I'm not going to keep asking you how you are, but if you want to talk to me, please do."

 

Other than that, just try to carry on as normally as possible, while doing what will be counter intuitive and not seeking reassurance. Only you will know if no progress has been made 1, 2, 6 months down the line.

[Jennifer26]

We've been to counselling for 4 appts. now, and it's been pretty painful for me so far. This is a result of me having an affair in the past. At the time, she supposedly forgave me, and it got swept under the carpet. Some "reminders" came about a couple months ago, and it's all brought back to the present. Do, after 3 years, she is now "dealing" with it (the affair). Her biggest request from me is "space". She doesn't want or expect me to leave, she just wants no pressure from me on anything. She doesn't want to hear what I want, she wants me making no physical contact (hugs, kisses, or anything). this is killing me. My fear is that the more distance she puts between us during this need for space, the easier it's going to be for her to just call it quits. If I disconnect, as she says she needs, I don't want her to think i'm done, as that is the farthest from the truth. But, I trully want to respect her needs. Is she just setting me up for the end? We do have two young boys (4 and 10) who would be absolutely devistated if they thought something was wrong. We (the four of us) are very close, and have an unbelievable time together (even now). It literally makes me nauseous thinking how the boys would react if they knew something was not right with mom and dad.

Am I making too much out of the "space" request? Am i being overly paranoid? I would trully appreciate a females perspective on the "space" need, and what it may really mean.

Thanks in advance!

-RJ

 

It seems pretty apparent this was never dealt with properly. You can't just sweep something like an affair under the rug and forget about it.

 

I'm sorry that this is painful for you, but you did bring this upon yourself. Also, try for a moment to be in her shoes. How would you feel if she had been having an affair, and for years it went unresolved, and you lost trust and love for her and lived with it each day without saying it. It sounds like she was holding too much in for too long, and can't do it any longer.

 

My husband had an emotional affair, and went to a strip club (where I've long suspected he slept or did something sexual with a stripper after about $500 was spent in about 2-3 hours without much drinking). These issues have remained unresolved in my own marriage, and some go back farther than 3 years. Every now and then something reopens up that wound and I feel hurt, and angry like I did back then. In my case, it is because my husband never fully admitted to much, and didn't seem very sorry for what he did admit to. I don't trust he won't do these things again to me. He doesn't seem sorry, and hasn't been very honest.

 

Marriage Builders has some good information on affairs and the aftermath. I'd suggest reading some material on their website: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

[Devil Inside]

RJ, I'm not female, but I also had an A and confessed to my W.

 

I would say that this is a good question for MC. I would present it as a concern you have. The concern that "space" would create distance..and that you feel it could lead to a bad place. I would make sure to focus on your feelings when talking about this.

 

One thing I have read is that your W will go through a lot of different emotions. She has been traumatized by what she is finally allowing herself to feel. She may want space so that she doesn't go off on you.

[seibert253]

Your wife never delt with this. You cannot sweep this under the rug and expect everything to be OK. Your wife needs to be in IC to deal with this, and the two of you need continued MC to resolve this issue.

She has not healed and never will without professional help.

[RJflashycat]

Can you guys help me understand what is meant by "space"? I'm not getting it evidently. does that mean i can expect her to be totally disconnected? Avoid me at every opportunity? I'm not understanding, and she is hesitant to explain, as if i'm supposed to understand..

please help...

[EcstasyX6]

I'm a woman, but can't speak for your wife, but I was the cheater. My husband was devastated and quite frankly never looked at me the same way. He forgave me, even though our marriage was in trouble beforehand, but what I did severed the remaining thread that we had. It's a breech of trust that's a true blow your partner.

 

I agree with an earlier poster, space could mean she wants to even the score. I think you two should really sit down face to face and express everything if the marriage stands a chance. Therapy can help, but it's not the end all in my opinion. You both really need to do some soul searching and decide what you really want right now.

[VegMidori]

Space means that she needs time to think about your affair, what it means for her, what it means about you, and what the future of your marriage is. She forgave you on one level, but she can't forget what you did. Physical contact just draws her into experiencing the surface level of a happy, secure marriage, while not feeling it inside; there is a conflict there.

 

I suggest that you respect her wishes for a time (I can't say how long), and then try "starting over." Woo her as if from the beginning. Ask her on a date, and kiss her goodnight at the end. Move on from there (not necessarily on the first date!) as she is comfortable. It might feel like a fresh start, and give her back some of the confidence she lost when she learned that you had been with another woman.

[LakesideDream]

Space means that she needs time to think about your affair, what it means for her, what it means about you, and what the future of your marriage is. She forgave you on one level, but she can't forget what you did. Physical contact just draws her into experiencing the surface level of a happy, secure marriage, while not feeling it inside; there is a conflict there.

 

I suggest that you respect her wishes for a time (I can't say how long), and then try "starting over." Woo her as if from the beginning. Ask her on a date, and kiss her goodnight at the end. Move on from there (not necessarily on the first date!) as she is comfortable. It might feel like a fresh start, and give her back some of the confidence she lost when she learned that you had been with another woman.

 

 

Long, long experiance both in personal experiance / life, and here on L.S. tells me that the "space" speach means that your wife wants the freedom to continue an affair that's already begun, with more freedom to persue it.

 

I don't mean to be nelly negetive that's just the way it is. Seen it to many times and 90+ % of those times that's the way it played out. Generally, if you get that speach in a long term prognosis for the marriage is dismal. Sorry you are going through this.

[RJflashycat]

Well, as much as it sounds like i'm grasping, i'm 100% positive that an "affair" on her end isn't happening. It's just not her. I'm understanding her need for space to heal, both mentally and physically (HPV lesion removals). I'm just having difficulty with the distance that results from needing space. I'm not accustomed to it, and have a tendency to make the worse out of every scenario (yes, I'm getting help with it). Her best friend of 25 years, who is a really good friend of mine as well, assures me that i just need to be patient. I know she is being sincere, because if whe wasn't she would have told my wife that I was asking questions, and then the $hit would have really hit the fan, so yes I trust her. I've always been pretty impatient. I was hoping to get a little support and understanding here on this site.

[michelangelo]

I don't think she is having an affair.

 

Your wife is finally having the hurt, resentment, rage, and even physical revulsion (HPV lesions) that has resulted from you stepping out.

 

You infected her with an STD dude.

 

It can take YEARS to recover from an affair. And by that, I mean from the time one finally digests things and can start to deal with it.

 

 

Her time line for recover is not one you can impose or manipulate. All you can do is keep remorseful and patient.

 

And for sure, don't accuse her of doing as you did!

[RJflashycat]

Thanks for the comment. This is stuff I know, it's just hard to deal with. I do realize that I more than deserve what i'm going through. This is what i consider positive feedback (your comments), and I don't get that too often (once a week at therapy, and from here friend daily if i choose to bother her). we are going to MC, and have each come up with lists of what we want and need now. Mine was obvious to a point, things i'd like to happen, and things that i'd like us to make a conscience effort at in the future. Hers was hard for me to take, as it was specifically pointed at her need for space, and my apparent (guilty) misunderstanding of what that meant. It was a bit hurtful to hear it, things like don't be cuddling with me, don't be pushing my feelings on her constantly (been leaving her little "I love you" notes in the mornings). I remain positive ultimately that i'm still here. she could have told me to get packing long ago, and is strong enough to do that. It's never even been a topic of discussion. I'm here for the longhaul, however long that may be, it's worth that much to me. I would just hope that over time I start seeing positive feedback of some sort. Funny thing is that we get along great, have a good time together in the evenings and never really have any "bad" times. It will work, I just gotta quit dwelling on bad thoughts.

thanks again for your comments, they are extremely appreciated!

-RJ

[Devil Inside]

RJ man...hang in there.

 

I also do not think she is having an affair. She was traumatized. Her reality as she knew it was completely rocked. It takes time to deal with all the emotions.

 

It is a hard place to be. You sit there and watch her hurt...yet she doesn't want you to comfort her. Thing is...she is sticking with you through the affair...you need to stick with her through this pain if you want this marriage to work.

 

Little by little she will hopefully allow for more contact...but right now it is probably more than she can bear.

 

Good luck...these are hard times...I know, going through it myself.

[RJflashycat]

I'm still trying to understand why. I felt miserable the whole time during, and never felt any less love for my wife, and actually felt relieved anytime i left the company of the other, to go home. It's confusing to me, and i wish i better understood. I'm working on it.