Flavour Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Hi anybody. I apologize in advance for any grammar mistakes, as English isnot my mother tongue. I am currently living a very strange relationship and I need as many advices as possible. I feel vulnerable and I cannot allow it to myself anymore. I will try not to be very long, I will really try. please read and if you can help me. I am 41 yrs old, I am Italian, I live in Italy and I ma a primary school teacher. I divorced four months ago after a four years separation. I have two children with my ex husband, the first one is 19 yrs old and lives with her dad and the yougest is 8 years old and lives with me. Since my separation I seem to choose all the time the wrong people. I don't know why. I live on my own, I have a lot of interests, I have a full life. I am a believer and I live also a happy and fulfilling church life. I guess that loneliness is not easy for me-never- but now I am really scared...by myself! By the people I choose! So now I feel cautious with this last one. there are a lot of things which are difficult but also.....so many which are so beautiful I am scared I will do the wrong choice..... Last summer I was on vacation and as the children had to stay for four weeks with their dad for the summer, I went abroad volunteering. It was a wonderful experience, I met a lot of new people and I also met him. He is almost 60 but he does not look like it at all, very funny, intersting, caring and gentle. We spent a lovely time together but when I went back to Italy I was convinced I would have never heard from him. On the contrary he phoned immediately and now we talk almost every day. I would like to have much more contact but he is not much in the computer thing, and I guess I cannot change the habits of someone who is 60. Surprisingly, even during the summer he talked a lot about his family and about the possibility to make our relationship more serious.Now he keeps telling me that he want us to get married, that what we share is precious and that he feels so connected with me. Okay I feel the same....but it is scaring. There are a lot of troubles to overcome: distance, age gap, the possibility for me to find a decent job in his country ( he lives in the U.S.) but quite strangely these troubles do not scare me. I am ready to wait and fight for something I feel worthwhile. Believe me for me it is a dream. I am ready to fight for my dreams. But what really scares me is.....I marry him and then I discover "the monster". I do not trust my choices anymore. He does not give me many details about his life. i am going to see him at the beginning of November so I shall check with my eyes. But what should I be looking for? I am doubtful and also jealous. Sometimes he seems very in love, some days aloof. Yesterday he wrote me in an email ( a two lines one-not very in the pc thing) that he likes his hiking group ( yes, 60 and hiking...and I am not so able to climb my stairs:)) and I was wondering if he has met someone else there....how much of my lack of self esteem is playing its role in this relationship? I am fooling myself? What I should do in order to get reassured and to strengthen and deepem this relationship? He has been divorced for 10 yrs now and has 4 children grown up. He would like also to have another child, he always repeat it, from me. I melt inside when I hear this.....bu what if he is joking? He is so....funny and in the same time tender and loving and deep.....I want it so much to be real. Maybe too much. Please help me. Thank you in advance. PS I am really in love with him.
TMichaels Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Hi Flavour, My advice to you would be that the two of you need to spend more time together "in person" before you make any life-changing decisions like marrying someone half-way around the world you barely know. Your upcoming trip in November is a good start but keep in mind both of you will probably both be on your "best behaviors" when you visit, so unless his behavior on "his own turf" is exceedingly alarming, you may go home with as many if not more questions in your mind. However, what's the rush? Though this guy is older and in a different stage of his life, if he truly cares for you he should want the best for you and will not pressure you into something too soon that you aren't comfortable with or for which you're not ready. You may have been separated for four years, but you've only been divorced for four months. You have an eight-year-old son which probably complicates your ability to just pick up and start a new life elsewhere. And, as you say, you have not been happy with the choices you've made when it comes to relationships, so it makes perfect sense that you're cautious and should take your time. You need to be honest with him and tell him what you are thinking -- and that includes even though you are very fond of him, your relationship needs time to develop and feeling like you are being pressured into something too soon is not going to bring you closer or change your mind. Given the delicacy of such a conversation you may want to wait to have it once you visit him in person. On the other hand, having that conversation once you visit may be unnecessary as you may decide after you see him again, a future with him isn't likely. At this point in time who knows whether the two of you will end up together? The only way you're going to know in your heart AND your mind that "he's the one" is if you spend more time in each other's company -- preferably for an extended visit -- because quite frankly, anyone can "be nice" for short periods of time. Why don't you see how your upcoming visit goes and if it goes well, work toward one or the other of you visiting for a month or more perhaps next summer when you are off for the school holidays? Both you and he can spend up to three months (visa-wise) in each other's country annually with no problems so there would be no issue, there. As far as whether he's seeing someone else where he lives or in his hiking club, again, who knows? See how you feel after you spend time with him again, and if it feels right, talk with him about mutual expectations -- including whether you both are willing to commit to an exclusive relationship. If he's not willing to do that given the distance and it's important to you, then you have your answer right there whether he's worthy of any more of your love, time or concern. HTH, TMichaels
Author Flavour Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 Thank you, TMichaels. Actually we have already been quite clear, we are into an exclusive relationship as for now.....I am looking forward to my trip, but he keeps telling me that we muct come up to some decisions during my visitation, as we are both suffering very much. Thank you for your kind response, I wish the best for you too
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