smookie Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I have been on here since 4 this morning reading posts. Alot of what I am hearing and reading is that guys do not talk about there feelings? Why do guys do this besides the guys do not get emotional it is not a tough thing bla bla bla.. it is very apparent that guys get emotional so why not show it? If your ex text you asking if you missed them and why... Would you ignore this text or respond if you really did miss them or ignore the text?
Maoky Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 It's just a social stigma - and it sucks. Men are just told to suck it up, and that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Whilst women get all the comfort of their friends, and sometimes even family, helping them cry out all their tears, helping them as they stare off into oblivion, etc. Of course that's just a generalisation though (I'm a teenage guy and I'm lucky enough to have a few male friends who I can talk to when I'm feeling depressed, but there usually is a limit that I share, because of the whole pride thing) Second question just depends on the individual and the circumstances, I believe.
Sbrizio Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Why i would hesitate to go emotional with my ex: 1 - because last time i opened myself i've been hurt so badly that now i will protect myself 2 - because knowledge is power, and if my ex asked such a thing i wouldn't want to give away so much power at a cheap price (i'm a bit cynical as of now) This doesn't mean i don't get emotional or i don't speak about my feelings. But i would be cautious about them with the person who's the power to knock me down with a word. BTW, Honestly, i don't think my ex would ever ask me such a thing. She knows how much i miss her, and i know that she misses me. If she asked such a thing, that would mean: 1 - that she's trying to feed her ego or 2 - she's playing some games Additionally, asking by text really would look like she is tossing a bait. I wouldn't consider serious anything less than a call, a long email, or a short text saying: "can we meet? I need to talk you" None of them is going to happen, BTW.
boogieboy Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 If my ex texted me and asked if I missed her its one of 2 situations: 1.) If I broke up with her, I should have told her already that I do NOT miss her. Or I'd ignore her so I dont have to say I dont. 2.) if she broke up with me, then I wouldnt give her an answer if I knew nothing would come of it. So its not that he doesnt want to tell you his feelings. If you are an ex, then you shouldnt be asking such questions.
smookie Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Boogie, I am a ex and I did the break up. I was just really wondering this due to the readings I did here today and hearing men talk this weekend. Has nothing at all to do with my current situation. I see so many hurt guys pouring there hearts out and talking about the drinking and the non sleeping/eating. Also there are girls but as one has already stated girls talk about it we cry we do what we need to do. Seems like with guys it is a pride thing/upbringing and being tough.. Thats why i am asking this thats the only reason. I want to hear guys replys to why.
silic0ntoad Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Hm. Well, I can say that I am the type of guy that likes to keep the air clear. I express my emotions. IDK, always have been that way. If there is a problem, or I am upset, you know it. I hold back on some things, but most of the time, I don't. If an Ex texted me asking if I missed them, well, let me be more frank, if my current ex texted me and asked me if I missed her, I wouldn't know how to reply. She's changed from the girl I loved into an unloving, cold person. Made quite a disasterpiece out of me. So, to answer your question, alot of times, a guy won't reply as you think he would because a guy doesn't know your intentions.
aaronno9 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Im just not a very open person TBH. I prefer to just keep things bottled up and deal with them in my own way. But after my break up, realising that not talking about how I feel ect. was one of the reasons why we broke up has made me a little more open, and even just having a chat with my mum made me feel a little better. As for the text thing, well me and my ex where best friends for along time we got together, and where not doing the whole NC thing, just trying to keep contanct minimal. So if she text me saying that id let her know I miss her to. Shes not egotistical at all, so if she said it I know it would be genuine.
joseffrost Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I believe in having my feelings out in the open, unfortunately my ex did not and therefore bottled everything up inside. Incidentally, she blamed my lack of communication as a factor in the break up, but you can only talk to a brick wall for so long before you get tired of the sound of your own voice, you know? If my ex were to text me asking if I missed her, my response would be along the lines of: "Yes, of course I do. I miss just about everything that we had for those two years. But you left me in a pretty dark place when you decided to finish things, and there's no way I'll ever go back there or risk being led back there. I wish you all the best, and hope to be your friend one day, but right now it's still a bit raw. Take care and goodbye."
adamt Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I think a lot of it is just how we are made. I can ask the question about women:- why do they expect us to read their minds rather than telling us exactly what is up. Then never tell us until it is too late. My ex kept things bottled up. A lot of men is they didnt read the warning signs and read her mind, then once she is moving on she spills it all out and the bloke wants to fix things and change but it is too late now. Then it hits him it is over and she is moving on.
carhill Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 He dumped you. Is he still unemployed? When he shows up on your doorstep wanting to talk and put things right, listen
Thaddeus Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 1 - because last time i opened myself i've been hurt so badly that now i will protect myselfFor me personally, this pretty much nails it. I can not think of one instance - not one - in which I opened myself up and became vulnerable to a romantic interest that it did not come back and bite me in the a$$.
carhill Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Well, as long as it doesn't bite you in the front, what the heck. Personally, IMO, there's no sense in really loving if there was no risk of hurting. It just wouldn't have the value. Boring and predictable. Sounds like me in my marriage
Sbrizio Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Personally, IMO, there's no sense in really loving if there was no risk of hurting. It just wouldn't have the value. I agree. That's why i'm not sure if i'm ready to love again yet. I miss (right now) that kind of carefreeness i had when i started falling for my current ex... being happy to fall
itsyehboy Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 im a guy. if i REALLY wanted to get back with her/missed her. i wouldnt answer so quickly. cuz of little mind games. what if i said i did and she takes advantage of it? i would have to know why she cares whether or not i miss her before i allow myself to be vulnerable
carhill Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 The guy dumped her. The ball is completely in his court. He should've thought about his vulnerabilities *before* he dumped her. It's not about him. Face time will be a clear sign that he has reconsidered. It would be the only sign I'd pay attention to.
BeSteady Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Showing your feeling as a guy and the woman will think you as weak and/or your no longer a challenge.
smookie Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Carhill, he was the dumpee not the dumper. No this question was just one I thought up not about my ex at all. As well we have both moved is different directions...lol like 7 hours away from eachother..
carhill Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Sorry, read a past post and presumed he dumped you.... Non-specifically, men avoid divulging their feelings for two reasons: One, they're socialized to limit their emotional expression as part of the expectations of society. I believe this is wrong and have lived my life differently and have seen the negative effects of such a choice, both in interacting with men and women. Two, because of this, men lag women greatly in the handling of emotional content and invariably are at a disadvantage in any discourse with a woman involving emotion. Women are just sharper and generally more cunning about manipulating people emotionally. The best way for a man to win is not to play the game. Combining all aspects, the truism I often use pervades: The person who cares the least has the most power and control. Power and control are both important and far-reaching concepts for males. And the circle returns (back to socialization).
jlr Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I have to say, as a guy, that I've always felt I was sort of an outsider in the realm of emotions. Meaning that alot of people expect guys to not be open with their feelings, but for the most part, I'd say I'm not like that at all. I think I'm pretty good at expressing my thoughts and emotions. My ex always said I had communication problems. She always used to say I wasn't open with my feelings. But since we've broken up, and I've looked back on it all, I'm starting to think she was the one with communication problems. I feel like she blamed me for a lot of her own issues, so that she'd never deal with them herself. Am I perfect with emotional stuff? No. Who is? But I don't think I'm terrible at it. But on the main point of males. I think it's stupid that people say that men "just aren't open with their feelings," like it's just how we are. 1) that's a stereotype, because I know plenty of guys who aren't like that and 2) it makes it ok for guys to not be open, and it allows the stereotype to keep going. If my ex sent me a text right now asking if I missed her, I wouldn't respond saying I do. But it's not because I'm a guy. It's because I've told her a bazillion times that I do, and she just plays games with me now. I wouldn't say yes, because it just allows her to keep playing games. I'm protecting myself. I honestly think the emotions thing is a per person issue. I know some females who aren't open with their emotions too - like my ex. So perhaps it's just a silly cliche to say that one sex is always one way. I do think alot of people who don't express emotions, are doing it as a protective measure though.
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