DollWelch Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 The guy in question is the same person in the previous thread (10+ years my senior and is barely taller than myself). I am slowly (or perhaps, quickly) getting to know him, as a person, and so far, I find him very interesting. Recently during conversation, he asked if I was seeing/dating anyone, and I nodded yes. I have been seeing someone, only started to get a bit more romantic lately and have been in the process of knowing this person on a more personal level, one step at a time, and seeing how it works out for the future. That aside, I didn't want to hide or lie to him about all this. Instead, I was honest -and he took it very well. Ever since that time, I haven't (rarely) heard from him. It's been about 1 week. Did I scare him off? Did he just decide to drop me like a hot potato? Or he expects me to contact him whenever I want something from/talk to him? I don't want to ride him off, and make any premature judgments/notions about him. But at the same time, I'm not foolish enough to not see through his antics and be dropped in that manner. Thoughts?
carhill Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Did I scare him off? Did he just decide to drop me like a hot potato? Well, I would imagine he isn't looking for quotes for a book. Perhaps he is a guy who likes a lady to date only one man at a time. If so, your dance card is full. He's moved on to another dancer. He doesn't wish to invest time and interest and be relegated to replacement dancer/understudy; in other words a back-burner boyfriend.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Lots of guys don't want to compete. How long have you two been seeing each other? Maybe he feels insulted that you haven't dropped all other guys out of your life. But yes - I'm going to guess that he's lost interest because he doesn't want to wait around to see if the other guy you're seeing pans out. Who likes to be "Plan B?"
D-Lish Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Maybe he is just one of thos guys who is looking for the easy score- you're taken, so he is moving on to the next target. You're also 10 years older~ it's safe to say he probably isn't looking for something long term.
carhill Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 You're also 10 years older~ it's safe to say he probably isn't looking for something long term. My understanding is the man is 10 years older.... OP? I know, personally, and I was just talking with my female friend about this when we flew home last week, when a woman is dating someone, she's not single in my eyes. She's taken (by her choice to date someone). The only attention she'll get from me is platonic and interest-based. I will not feed her ego by making her a prize to be competed over. BTDT.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Maybe he is just one of thos guys who is looking for the easy score- you're taken, so he is moving on to the next target. You're also 10 years older~ it's safe to say he probably isn't looking for something long term. He's 10 years older than HER.
ReturnToSender Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I find that interesting..that if a woman is dating shes not considered single? So if she goes on one date with a guy...thats it, they are in an exclusive committed relationship, shes off the market? Thats...like I said, interesting. I think that is is a good thing that you were honest with him that you were seeing someone. Better to be upfront about it that there is something there, even if its casual. He may well be one of those "one date and youre mine" guys, and doesnt want to share you..even though by all accounts, youre still in the "getting to know you/figure out if wed make a good couple" stage. If hes not comfortable with that, then hey, thats his boundary. If you dont want to commit to someone after a couple dates, thats fine too. Then again..maybe it was just a rough week and he hasnt really been able to be in better touch and all this worry was for nothing
carhill Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Sure, take a guy out for awhile; plan the dates, pay for them, romance him. BTW, he's dating someone else. A great way to understand such a perspective is to wear the shoe. Walk in it awhile. Get a feel for it. See how it wears. I've been a BBBF enough to know I don't play plan B for anyone. Not at my age. Young guys? Hey, whatever. Dating isn't a commitment. It's a choice. A choice to spend time and energy with someone; someone *else* in this instance. It's a choice I respect.
Bejita463 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I find that interesting..that if a woman is dating shes not considered single? So if she goes on one date with a guy...thats it, they are in an exclusive committed relationship, shes off the market? Thats...like I said, interesting. If she is planning to continue seeing him after that single date, she is actively dating him. That is not single in my eyes either.
ReturnToSender Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 If she is planning to continue seeing him after that single date, she is actively dating him. That is not single in my eyes either. Well, thats kind of what I mean by people having different boundaries..or maybe I should say perceptions. If I agree to a second date with a guy, that doesnt mean I assume we are now in an exclusive relationship... I hardly know the guy afterall! It just means I enjoyed our first date, and Id like to get to know him better and go on a second. Personally, it would freak me out if a guy expected exclusivity and started calling me his gf on our second date. It would most definitely be our last! To me, once there have been a few dates, have gotten to know each other a bit...have decided to take each other seriously to see where things go and its been made clear that we are only seeing each other...then I would consider us a couple.
carhill Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Let's review: Recently during conversation, he asked if I was seeing/dating anyone, and I nodded yes. I have been seeing someone, only started to get a bit more romantic lately and have been in the process of knowing this person on a more personal level, one step at a time, and seeing how it works out for the future. That aside, I didn't want to hide or lie to him about all this. Instead, I was honest -and he took it very well. Ever since that time, I haven't (rarely) heard from him. It's been about 1 week. She's getting to know the first guy on a more *personal level* and it's started to get a *bit romantic only lately*. The second guy *took it well* and she *rarely* hears from him now, where prior he apparently was in regular contact. I know women like to believe everything they do is perfectly fine and should be acceptable to everyone but the second guy is sending signals of something else. He's distancing himself. If he was busy with work or other obligations, he would have explained. He didn't. I know, when I did that, it was because I didn't wish to be in competition for a lady's attention. It doesn't matter if he's 'supposed' to behave in a manner the lady would like him to; she would like ten men politely dating her; who wouldn't? What we're doing here, as men, is explaining a real good possibility for why this guy has distanced himself. The OP can choose to accept that perspective or not. She can also ask the guy what his preference is regarding multi-dating. Pretty simple. OP, give that a go the next time you hear from him. I mean, you asked the question. He knows the answer. Communicate
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 RTS - I don't consider it "exclusivity" and being somebody's "GF" for them to expect you're not playing the field while they're spending time and energy on getting to know you. But the multi-date debate rages on on LS - just go read some of Dreamergrl's threads. I would guess it would feel like a bit of a rip off that somebody I'm spending time with is so unsure about me that they're keeping other people waiting in the wings in case they decide I'm really not for them. I don't know - it's a respect thing. But I like to focus on one person at a time - that's really all I can handle. I mean, it's one thing to have other guys in mind that you *might* be interested in dating while you're going on that second date with dude #1...it's quite another to be dating all of them at the same time.
Author DollWelch Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 Thank you for the responses, everyone. Great points, especially Carhill and SoulSearch_CO. I don't think he's willing to walk away without a fight -or at least try. This is how it went down. He made contact, I was recently talking to him and almost the first thing he said to me was "I miss you". I had to think about it twice, to really believe he uttered such words. Apparently, he (and I) has been busy and that's partly why I didn't hear from him for a while -hence the "semi-freak-out-episode". Doesn't matter to me, at this point. But, what I really noticed during conversation, that he was coming on strong -making references to romantic relationships, learning about my and his personal experiences, about the number of children he wants, what he's looking for in a woman, complimenting me, silly and serious banter. Not only that, he even mentioned "marriage" and the "ILY". All of this took me by surprise -and I thought and I still think, it's kind of freaky to discuss such things with someone you barely know. Right? All in all, every time I get to know him more and more, I start to develop infatuated (if not, romantic) feelings towards him. And this bothers me. Because, I have realized, initially I was attracted to him but now, it's almost disappeared -faded into space. But, his character and personality I really like, and this is clashing together with the attraction. I don't know. HOW could I be falling for him knowing that the attraction isn't strong? I'm confused. I honestly don't know how to proceed from here on out. Thoughts?
Chicago_Guy Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 The guy in question is the same person in the previous thread (10+ years my senior and is barely taller than myself). I am slowly (or perhaps, quickly) getting to know him, as a person, and so far, I find him very interesting. Recently during conversation, he asked if I was seeing/dating anyone, and I nodded yes. I have been seeing someone, only started to get a bit more romantic lately and have been in the process of knowing this person on a more personal level, one step at a time, and seeing how it works out for the future. That aside, I didn't want to hide or lie to him about all this. Instead, I was honest -and he took it very well. Ever since that time, I haven't (rarely) heard from him. It's been about 1 week. Did I scare him off? Did he just decide to drop me like a hot potato? Or he expects me to contact him whenever I want something from/talk to him? I don't want to ride him off, and make any premature judgments/notions about him. But at the same time, I'm not foolish enough to not see through his antics and be dropped in that manner. Thoughts? What did you expect him to do? He probably assumed you weren't interested if you told him you were already seeing someone. If you really want to date this guy, you might have to make the next move now to let him know that you are interested.
carhill Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 But, what I really noticed during conversation, that he was coming on strong -making references to romantic relationships, learning about my and his personal experiences, about the number of children he wants, what he's looking for in a woman, complimenting me, silly and serious banter. Not only that, he even mentioned "marriage" and the "ILY". Actions, my dear My instinct is not a good one. This kind of rubber band appearance may be part of a strategy, IDK. I'd tell him that I think it's a bit soon to be talking about bambinos, marriage and I love you, since he can't stay in consistent contact. What do you think?
kizik Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 A self-respecting guy isn't going to date a woman who is also dating other guys. He doesn't want to be compared, evaluated, etc., but mostly he just doesn't have time for the BS.
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