Alpha Female Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I had been chatting with a guy online for two weeks. Never exchanged photos, as I didn't want to appear shallow. Guy shows up and he has a large port wine stain all over most of his face. I couldn't concentrate on anything he had to say, because I was entirely grossed out by how he looked, and was kind of mad he never mentioned the disfigurement in advance. Would you be upset if someone pulled this on you? Do you think people should disclose handicaps or physical deformities like this? Or, would you consider it something that didn't need to be addressed in advance and I really am very shallow?
Author Alpha Female Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 I guess. But this wasnt a small pimple. Were talking about like three fourths of his face covered in this deep purple skin. It looked like an open wound. I was so distracted and turned off I didnt know what to do. I guess it was shallow but you wouldnt be upset if someone showed up disfigured on a blind date? Now I know why he didnt want to send a picture.
D-Lish Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Why didn't you exchange photo's? I'd never meet someone without exchanging photos.
Author Alpha Female Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Why didn't you exchange photo's? I'd never meet someone without exchanging photos. Because he didnt want to. He said only shallow people need photos and assured me I wouldnt be bummed out. I didnt want to seem shallow though I guess I am! ha. I liked him well enough but now I know why he didnt want to send me one. He had something to hide. His face.
carhill Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 No worries OP. You don't like what you don't like. Own it. As long as you're honest, I think it's fine. It's not like he isn't used to being judged like that. I was judged for many years for my early baldness. That's just the way it is. Life goes on
Author Alpha Female Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 No worries OP. You don't like what you don't like. Own it. As long as you're honest, I think it's fine. It's not like he isn't used to being judged like that. I was judged for many years for my early baldness. That's just the way it is. Life goes on I like bald men though. They said premature balding is a sign of increase virility. Ah I feel badly about it. I liked him and all. Just didnt expect that. Was a shock. But I will own it.
D-Lish Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 It's not a big deal. Ask for a pic next time, lol:lmao:
carhill Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I like bald men though. They said premature balding is a sign of increase virility. Ah I feel badly about it. I liked him and all. Just didnt expect that. Was a shock. But I will own it. You may. Other women didn't/don't. Fact of life for this guy. No grudges held. Each of us is entitled to what we prefer in a romantic partner. My bet is the guy, if he's mature, would respect you for being up front and honest. If he contacts you again, be so. I always respected the women who were honest with me, even if the comments stung a bit. Now I shave my head and women seem to like running their hands over it. Go figure.
Chicago_Guy Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Because he didnt want to. He said only shallow people need photos and assured me I wouldnt be bummed out. I didnt want to seem shallow though I guess I am! ha. I liked him well enough but now I know why he didnt want to send me one. He had something to hide. His face. Shallow or not, only a really ugly dude would want to meet up without sending you a picture first.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Why didn't you exchange photo's? I'd never meet someone without exchanging photos. Um, exactly. Somebody saying they wouldn't send one would be a huge red flag for me. And not so much that I'd be worried about their physical appearance, but are they worried I've seen them on America's Most Wanted, or what? I was judged for many years for my early baldness. That's just the way it is. Life goes on Wow. Big mistake. I don't know you, Carhill, but current guy I'm dating is bald on top and shaves the sides and is the hottest thing ever. LOL People can be so silly.
carhill Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 LOL, my wife (stbx) told me even some of her girlfriends tried to turn her off me when we were dating because of being bald. Perhaps they were prophetic. Personally, I think the OP was caught off-guard. That's not saying she would've gone out with the guy if he would have sent her a picture, but the shock of such a revelation can cause a person to act in an unnatural manner. It's only with age that I learned how to take such things in stride. In my 20's, I likely would have also been shocked meeting a woman with such a birthmark.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Sure, I agree with the birthmark thing. But BALDNESS?? It seems to be so widely accepted these days and actually considered sexy in a lot of cases (hello, Vin Diesel). I know you're not dating yet, but surely you aren't still facing discrimination because of baldness?
carhill Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 IDK. I've been married for a decade. I have no idea what women 'accept' these days. I guess I'll find out. I'm only telling you what I heard from the honest ones in the past.
ReturnToSender Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I wouldnt sweat it...youre not being shallow at all. It was unfair of him to not at least mention it...Im sure he knows by now that its unusual to have a port wine mark on 3/4 of his face, and probably not a bad idea to mention it so that you arent caught off guard. And like others said..you like what you like, you dont like what you dont like. I once knew a guy who was absolutely grossed out by moles of any sort. Marylin Monroe...her face made him dry heave. He couldnt stand it. I mean, I could never get over that...but its Marylin Monroe!!! He wasnt having any of that...if he found one mole on a womans body, he was done. Cant fault a person for being honest though...
Jersey Shortie Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I am not bothered by the fact that you aren't attracted to someone that has a birthmark on their face. That is fine. I am bothered by your attitude. An open wound? Ridiculous. I have seen people with that kind of birthmark and it never looked like an open wound. It's one thing to not be atttracted. it's another to come here sounding like a 12 year old who just took a trip to the mall. You're not looking for opinions, you're looking for validation on your thoughts. And again, it's fine not to be attracted but there are millions of people out there and not everyone ends up perfectly made. If this is the extent of someone that you had to deal with that was outside of your norm, then you've lead a very sheltered life. As for what people disclose, we all use a certain measure of discloser when talking to someone new. We don't tell them everything about ourselves upfront. He was obviously insecure about the birthmark. I doubt you delved into telling him the less attractive parts of yourself as well. Whether that be physical or the things that make up who you are. We all have good points and bad ones. With that said, yes, I think pictures should have been shared on both sides but he is not entitled to share with you anything he doesn't want to. Just as you are not entitled to share anything with him that you don't want to. It's quite possible that he wasn't impressed with what he saw either. Who knows.
seoa Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Because he didnt want to. He said only shallow people need photos and assured me I wouldnt be bummed out. Are you saying he lied outright...? It's one thing to avoid the photo, avoid mentioning it, but I'd be annoyed about finding out blatant lies in an internet-date scenario... Were talking about like three fourths of his face covered in this deep purple skin. It looked like an open wound. I was so distracted and turned off I didnt know what to do. I guess it was shallow but you wouldnt be upset if someone showed up disfigured on a blind date? Yes, it's shallow... I can see why you were surprised, and disconcerted (with no warning), but he's clearly learnt from previous situations that many women won't give him a chance if they get a photo upfront... I don't envy him... I think it helps to evaluate dating criteria in terms of "what if it happened part way through the relationship...?" So what if you had a relationship with this guy, and after 6 years he was in an accident that left him with burn-marks over 3/4 of his face... Would he still have criteria that meant it was worth staying with him...? I know that's a little simplistic, but you get the general idea... Maybe think about how you would handle it if it was you who had this birthmark... If you posted photos on an internet website, how many guys would agree to meet with you...? How would you want those guys to behave, if you did meet up with them...? Yeah, thought so...
Myst Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I mean just dont date him, if u dont want to. You arent shallow, its just an instant human reaction that u were disgusted by this birthmark right on his face. At least you were honest. Not like many people on this thread would actually date a hunchback of notre dame and be genuinely physically attracted to him, right?
Jersey Shortie Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Not like many people on this thread would actually date a hunchback of notre dame and be genuinely physically attracted to him, right? You're comparing a fictional character, an over extreme situationm, to a real live person. It's okay to not be attracted to someone because of a physical difference or a "deformity" you don't like. But it's not like this guy choose to be different. And it's not like anyone of us here had a say in what we would look like to an extent. Some people win the genetic lottery others don't. The OP, isn't "better" because she doesn't have a "port wine stain" on her face. When you date, especially on the internet, you put yourself out there. That's the risk. You meet all kinds of people and it expands your knowledge of the human experience. Some good, some bad. I think the key thing to remember is that people are people and deserve respect whether the fit into your usual experiece or not. The OP went along with the no pictures. That was her choice, people understand the risk invovled with that. She met him, he didn't tell her about his birthmark, she isn't attracted. Period. Really, no big deal. I doubt she told him everything there was to know about her good and bad. The difference with not being upfront about the physical is because it's clearly more obvious. Heck, when I go out on my first date I don't tell guys that I can be cranky in the morning and that I pee in the shower sometimes! (Pee is sterile, by the way). Maybe having a little more human compassion and respect would be nice here. You don't have to be attracted to guy, but try putting yourself in his spot. I mean seriously, the title of the thread says it all "Port wine stain all over his face!".. WHO CARES. It sounds like something a 12 year old girl would say.
InspiredbyYou Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Because he didnt want to. He said only shallow people need photos and assured me I wouldnt be bummed out. I didnt want to seem shallow though I guess I am! ha. I liked him well enough but now I know why he didnt want to send me one. He had something to hide. His face. Are you kidding me? only people who know they are not very attractive use the guilt trip about shallowness to get to others and play the "we don't need to exchange pics" game. I think you should never meet a person without seeing a picture first, and please do not let a guy describe himself to you, everyone sounds great on paper, you have to actually see what they look like to see if it appeals to you. You are not being shallow at all. Of course you liked him well enough most people are likeable on paper, that doesn't guarantee you will be romantically interested in them.
InspiredbyYou Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Yes, it's shallow... I can see why you were surprised, and disconcerted (with no warning), but he's clearly learnt from previous situations that many women won't give him a chance if they get a photo upfront... I don't envy him... I think it helps to evaluate dating criteria in terms of "what if it happened part way through the relationship...?" So what if you had a relationship with this guy, and after 6 years he was in an accident that left him with burn-marks over 3/4 of his face... Would he still have criteria that meant it was worth staying with him...? You are comparing apples and oranges. In one instance you are already in love with someone and they have an accident. In the other you have no feelings at all and you are surprised by a physical appearance you were not expecting. He lied to her, he hid his appearance because he knew that would hinder his chance. What makes people think that by hiding a certain aspect of their appearance is the way to go in order to trick a person into liking who they are from the inside out, is a real mystery to me. It doesn't work. Attraction starts outside first. You should always be honest and show yourself just as you are if it's going to work out for you it should be with someone who accepts you just as you are, you cannot trick someone into liking you it will backfire every time.
SierraRose Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I have done the online dating thing. I can say, yes I have come across men that misrepresent themselves. I have heard men complaining women do the same. Sending old pictures, pictures that aren't even of themselves! Lie about height, weight, etc... Really u can ask for a pic, but it doesn't mean it won't be false advertising... Bottom line is....if you don't like him, you don't like him. Period. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. I would be upfront and honest (with tactfulness of course). "TY for a nice evening; however, I really didn't feel chemistry between us. I don't want to waste your time. Good luck." Leave a VM, or email. After that, you don't have to respond to him.
smookie Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Maybe he did this because he was hoping you would see past his physical side and see his personality... I know I know but alot of people are like this. My daughter is 18 years old and has crainofacial. (her head was reconstructed twice and is held together by plates now. people with disablitys look past the physical and love personality's. One thing you never said ....how was the date, how was the convo that you remember? I would have confronted him in a nice way about this saying ok you never mentioned it at all in the convo's. People stair at my daughter like she is a ewalk at that point I always say. I think that you may have questions about my daughter? They rather run or they ask. I tell them nicely as well I explain that there is never a reason to not ask about something. Back to kindergarden.... No questions are stupied!
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I would just suggest not going out with him again because you aren't interested. Have you told him you aren't interested yet? Have you been in contact since the date? Just curious. This reminds me...when I was in middle school and my first year of high school, I had this huge crush on a boy that had a big port wine stain on his face. Portwine stains generally don't look like open wounds. At least, not from what I have seen. I liked it on him because I thought it was really cute and unique!
WineCountry Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Are you kidding me? only people who know they are not very attractive use the guilt trip about shallowness to get to others and play the "we don't need to exchange pics" game. I think you should never meet a person without seeing a picture first, and please do not let a guy describe himself to you, everyone sounds great on paper, you have to actually see what they look like to see if it appeals to you. You are not being shallow at all. Of course you liked him well enough most people are likeable on paper, that doesn't guarantee you will be romantically interested in them. I agree. And OP, anyone who acts like a huge birth mark over half of someone's face is nothing, is just trying to lay on the guilt trip because you were taken aback by it. Perhaps you didnt tell this guy all your little 'imperfections' but you dont have a huge mark over half of your face. And I dont consider that a 'little' thing. It reaches out and grabs you. I understand this guy didnt ASK to look that way. But, for him to assume he didnt have to mention his face, just was not a good idea on his part. There is no way that anyone who met him could "overlook" that. Reality is, it is going to hit people like a ton of bricks when they first see him. And that is just what happened here with the OP. What he should have done is once they started talking about meeting in person, he should have explained to her about his face. They should have sent pics of each other, and that way BOTH of them would have had the opportunity to bow out of they wanted to. Comparing what his face looks like, to some "imperfection" of hers, just probably wouldn't add up. We are not talking about her having a big nose or something. We are talking about a birth mark splashed across the face. I've seen a couple of bad ones on a couple of folks faces, and it was a bit much to look at when you see it Him springing that on her was kinda sneaky. There is no way he can hide his face. He should have dealt with it upfront. This way, if she was still willing to meet him, he would know that he got that part out of the way, and that she might be someone who could handle that. It's like If I was wheelchair bound or something, but failed to mention that, and showed up in a wheelchair. Now, is it wrong for someone to not want to date someone with a disability? We can all feel bad about not wanting to. But, If it is not something you can deal with, it is best the person know that about you as soon as possible. Because guess what? There are people out there who WILL be willing to deal with it. So, why waste each other's time? If someone doesnt want to deal with me because of something I cant control, they can get LOST!!
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