Should I leave?

[LuckyCharm]

My H and I have been married for a little over 2 years and ever since the beginning of our marriage I have been thinking of leaving him so many times.

 

I had some red and yellow flags before we married but I ignored them and now here I am...can't change the past but I'm hoping I can help myself make a better future whether I leave or stay.

 

For most I can say about my H is he is a giving person at times but there is a whole other side, a very selfish side that I really had enough of..

Ever since we met he's been in debt, doesn't work much, there for he is not a good provider at all, so we're never able to save any thing cause the money will be all gone.

Now, please don't get me wrong, I'm not a greedy person, I knew I was marrying a poor man and tried to help him make wise choices with money and he has improved but he still looks for the "easy" way to make big money.

After we got married he was taking out so many loan and pressuring me to sign (If only I could turn back time i would have been much more stronger!) for taking out loans so he could buy a car, pay for rent, food....

I was unable to work at the time and I won't want to get into details cause it's personal but I did have a saving account and I gave him all my money so it would cover some of his debt.

We didn't even have a honeymoon and if we were really that poor I really wouldn't care cause all I wanted was to be with him but we used pretty much all the money we got at our wedding to cover his debt

 

As I said he took out a big loan to get a car, I kept saying no but he said he didn't care he HAS to have that car, I finally gave into the pressure and in order for him to take out a loan we had to put his name on MY bank account cause his debt was so big in his account they wouldn't give him the loan.....That car was such a wreck that when he did start working all the money that he made went towards the car.

I begged him so many times to sell the car cause it was putting up even farther into debt...and in the mean time when I needed basic things like clothes and such (nearly all my clothes had holes) he had no money only for him and his car.

 

Now, fast forward I'm pregnant and so sick I can't work and H was out of work and was too picky to look for just anything so every month he would run to his mom and dad and ask them for money till his mom told him he makes her sick that he has a pregnant wife he can't provide for. only then did he really look for a job.

At the time my Dad offered us to come live in the States with him till we can stand on our own feet. he paid for our tickets and so much more.

 

Living with my Dad wasn't a picnic...H would hardly clean after himself and that really pissed my dad off and he asked us to try and find our own place...H was working at my Dad's gf's restaurant but wasn't making enough so his mom sent up money so we can move.

Our baby was then 6 months when we moved and I found a job right away and started working really long hours (anyone can do this job and my bosses would have also taken my DH to work if he only asked) and didn't get to see my baby much, I tried spending as much time I could with her but it was really effecting her and my H is too picky about finding just any job out there, he'll only look for photography.

 

Now, he did find a job 2 weeks ago but it was sort of a scam and he's not even demanding for the hours he worked for so he's still not bringing any money into the house and right before he started working I told my boss I'm gonna have to take a bit time off work for find a day care for my baby, so basically for 2 weeks I wasn't working and he was working for free I start working again tomorrow..Thank God!

 

H has a friend staying over in our tiny apartment and I have arranged a job for his friend with my former boss so my H and his friend were talking and saying maybe we all will rent a bigger apartment so his friend will be able to live with us....Ummm hellooo, we're married with a child, his friend can get his own place!

Oh yeah and now my H says he also wants to work at the same place his friend will be working when I asked my H a million times if he can work instead of me so I can stay home with the baby but he was too picky of course...

 

So it just has me thinking, I'm like a single mom to a sweet baby girl and a 27 y/o who won't grow up, so I'm thinking maybe if his friend does find him self a bigger apartment maybe my H can just more in and I'll stay where I am...maybe now I'll be able to save up again.

 

There are some other issues but this post is long enough as it is, I know we need MC but not sure where to find one cause as you guys might guess we don't have the money for one and every time I try talking to him it ends up in an argument.

 

Should I work on my marriage or just leave?

[LuckyCharm]

When he does make some money it goes towards him.

He expected me to work so I can pay back his debt, I told him he's gonna have to find a job and pay it back him self...It gave me too much stress I can't pay back his loan when I have a baby to care for.

 

I know I went off and married him, I was young and it wasn't a wise choice but like I said I can't turn back time, I need to find a way to make things better.

 

BTW, i forgot to add that at the time his mom told him that he makes her sick cause he doesn't provide for me is the first time I told him I'm thinking of leaving him cause I was pregnant and was barely eating anything cause we had no money for food, so that's the only time he knows about that I wanted to leave him.

[Neutrino]

LuckyCharm, it reads like your H is a financial black-hole. He is selfish, childish and short term thinking.

 

Before you even discuss anything with him - open a new bank-account and move all your money and payments there - without telling him. Keep track of all his loans you are signed onto - get the paperwork in order so you can be quick and efficient when the time comes to act. Go and get some legal advice on this subject too.

 

Once you have done all that and assessed your situation, offer him to move away and live with his friend. You're much better off as a single mom rather than the extra trouble because of him and your child watching his example in years to come.

 

Good luck.

[KikiW]

If bringing a baby into the world didn't change his behavior, nothing will. Do what you need to in order to get away from this guy. He will only drag you down and all you will be doing is teaching your daughter to put up with losers who drain you emotionally and financially - do you really want her to learn that? Do you want to see your daughter settle in with some loser who can't support her and she goes through the same thing you are?

 

Think of her. It will be easier making a life without him. Ask your family for support, and make sure they know you are done with him, I am sure they will be happy to help you pick yourself up and out of this situation, but you HAVE to do it. Don't waffle, don't go back to him, it will only continue and eventually you will lose the support you could have had to make a better life for yourself and your baby.

[VictoryisMine]

LuckyCharm, you know that expression.... I Can Do Bad All By Myself.

 

Long time ago.... i was with a dope like you are with now. And i had a baby with him.

 

And it took me two years to take my baby and run like hell.

 

With the help of family and friends i made it, not only made it but there was always money in the bank, and no more stress.

 

My only regret is i didn't flee sooner back then.

 

You will not be any worse off without him. But MUCH better.

[LuckyCharm]

Thanks for all the advice guys!

There are a few reasons I can't leave him just right now, one is I don't have a drivers license, and 2 I don't have the money to move out and don't have the heart to kick him out.

I just arranged a job for H's friend at my old job which I begged H to take instead of me but he wasn't willing to work and now he says he thinks he wants to work there (now that his friend is working there)!

I told him NO WAY am I arranging for him to work there since he made me work there for months while he was home with the baby all day mostly on the computer instead of me taking care of our baby who needed me to be home with her more.

 

Today after work when he picked me up he told me he might start working part time. So that might be an improvement on his part but I still want separate bank accounts. To me he still thinks like a 5 years old.

[KikiW]

Can you get your license? Or is it a thing where you have to wait before you can get it back?

 

As for money, that's where you need to talk to your family and ask for their help. While I don't know the dynamics of your family, chances are they will step up and lend a hand if they know this guy is not going to be around.

 

He MIGHT start working part time? Oh how GALLANT of him! What a WINNER! He has a baby to think about and he's just now thinking of getting a PT job?

 

TOSS HIS @$$. He's a CHILD pretending to be a man.

[relationship-advisor]

So hard to know that your H is still financially dependant on you.Take charge of all your finances or you will be in greater debt.