When to discuss marriage in a relationship?

[looking4 green grass]

The question came to mind while I sat listening to a friend of mine talk about her new boyfriend. They have known each other for less than a month and are already talking about their future house, buying a boat together, children......I told her she was nuts and needed to slow down and get to know him. She wants to tell him I love you already!! Crazy girl.

 

Anyway, she asked me (me being Miss Dysfunctional Relationship) when was too soon to start talking about those things and when do people normally start talking about those things. Me, not being normal, have no idea.

 

I have heard, and seen, that a true personality starts to emerge around month three of a relationship. Is that a good time? Or longer? What are your personal experiences? And when is normal to say I love you for those of you who read and answer this?

 

We are in the around 30 age group. Old enough to know what we are looking for (or we SHOULD know what we are looking for...see previous part of post where my friend is obviously crazy at 30!! She has no idea!)

[Sam Spade]

Never!

 

kidding aside, i would not bring it up until *at least* 1 year in the relationship.

[Shoshana]

Ha, I agree - never!!

But seriously... I'm bringing this back to the top because this topic is actually salient to my current situation. I've been dating someone for about four months, and it has the symptoms of getting serious. I love the guy - very much! - and he loves me, too, and sort of hints at it... but I'm not sure exactly how and when we should start talking about the big M-word.

 

I've been married twice, and for the life of me, I don't have it figured out. I dated my first husband for two years before we decided to get engaged, and we were engaged for another two before we got married - only to have it end in a horrible divorce because he decided he wasn't ready to commit. (He decides this after four years??) My second husband and I had been friends for nine years before we started finally dating. We dated for six months, he proposed to me and we were engaged for another six months, did premarital counseling and all that jazz, and we got married only to get divorced because he decided he prefers men to women.

 

Both times, I let each husband bring up getting married - didn't say boo about it until he brought the subject up. I'm thinking that due to the dismal failures of both my marriages, and due to the fact that the current relationship I'm in seems to be trending towards serious, maybe I should not be so demure and take a more proactive approach and not let myself sort of drift around in the tide - but I don't want to appear pushy, and I don't want it to seem like I'm rushing things. I just want to know what I'm potentially dealing with.

 

So - too soon? How best to go about it? When's a good time?

 

Sam, why do you say that one year is best?

[Lauriebell82]

I don't think there is a set time limit to discuss marriage OR say "I love you." It depends on the couple.

 

This is just my opinion, but saying "I love you" shouldn't dictate marriage or marriage talk. My fiance and I said it after one month but didn't get engaged until 2 years and 9 months after we began dating. The fact that we love each other has gotten us through so much and the fact that we have the same dreams and views helps too. I brought up marriage first as I was ready way before he was. BUT he eventually came around on his own time. I worried that he wouldn't propose, as our relationship got serious so fast.

 

You are right that it does take time to see if you are compatible or not in a relationship. Love and compatibilty don't neccessarily go together unfortunately.