redblack66 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Time for venting... Friends, some of you have followed my story. After separating, I was doing pretty well for a year, but went down emotionally in the last month or so, very down. I just crashed, after I was strong, dealt with the stress, exercised, and was doing well. Is it common for such crashes to occur? I think my biggest worry is that at early 40s, I have nothing in the bank, own nothing, and even have little debt. Ex managed to take a good chunk of my pension, which I had to pay upfront (she is not entitled afterwards), and the lawyers took the rest. So, it feels bad after so many years of hard work, and at the end nothing. Other issue is: I am kind of losing motivation for doing things. Everyday is becoming just mechanical--difficult to get out of bed, worried, but still trying to do my everyday job. It is true I do not keep myself busy enough, but at the same time I find it very difficult to force myself to keep busy. I am healthy, and I keep repeating to myself that this is the most important thing and I should be happy and thankful for what I have, but I am not there. Also, the loneliness is killing me, although I do meet people, but evenings and weekends are hell. Help! Any good advice? Ex is history, and she does not exist in my mind. I am NC, unless there is something related to the kids. She lives with her parents, and I am relieved if they pick up the phone; otherwise, she usually asks if I am going to remarry.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Hey redblack!!! I remember you, yeah it sucks I know your probably still pissed that you almost lost all your savings. it sucks. But your only 40 you CAN rebuild. You can move on into the next phase in life work 20 yrs and live good at 60. Plus if your in good shape nowadays you can still pull woman. I am confused about why does your ex keep asking if your gonna remarry. tell her never again, because i learned the hard way last time when i lost half my pension getting divorced from you. lol, bet u that'll shut her up.
Bummed&Hurt Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Hi RedBlack, I remember your posts from the first time I was in here back in '07. My wife had an EA and the other man wouldn't dump his wife. We reconciled and tried MC. Well things were great until the end of August when I found out she was calling him again. So now I am back where I was at the end of '07. Sounds like we are the same age and I am going to be in the same boat financially. I am also worried how hard it will be to stay positive through these years. It seems so hard of the thought of starting over now. I guess I don't have anything positive to interject but be sure know other people out here are pulling for you and hope the fog of BS will lift. Being alone scares the hell out of me also, she of course has the rest of her life planned. I will follow your posts closely. Please vent and I will try and help.
Author redblack66 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Hi RedBlack, I remember your posts from the first time I was in here back in '07. My wife had an EA and the other man wouldn't dump his wife. We reconciled and tried MC. Well things were great until the end of August when I found out she was calling him again. So now I am back where I was at the end of '07. Going back in time is not pleasant. Hope you did not go through the same hurt and the same extent of it. Sounds like we are the same age and I am going to be in the same boat financially. I am also worried how hard it will be to stay positive through these years. It seems so hard of the thought of starting over now. I am in the same boat. I am so worried about my future, that I have days when I am panicking. Saying that, I can save, after I pay all child support and who knows what else, about $2,000 month. Perhaps is not that bad? I don't know. I guess I don't have anything positive to interject but be sure know other people out here are pulling for you and hope the fog of BS will lift. Being alone scares the hell out of me also, she of course has the rest of her life planned. Same thing. Ex did what was the best for her. All these years, I was doing what was the best for everybody else, but not what was the best for me. The result is obvious. I will follow your posts closely. Please vent and I will try and help.Thanks a lot. I have learned through experience and reading here: when a woman is done, she is done. I do not believe in reconciliations.
Nomad1 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Redblack, how are you man? I do remember your shenanigans! It has been a long time. Finances do suck for a while when you have children after divorce. It takes time to get back on track, but the only way is up! Well, after two years, my house still hasn't sold, but I have kept it. My relationship with my children is great. I am fitter that I have been for a long time. I am also much wiser. My career is brilliant. I have a woman who is great in many ways and wants to take things to the next level, but I am not committing myself to anything. It is great to have her around when I am free, but that is all I am able to commit to right now. It drives her nuts, but it is a case of take it or leave it. You see, my priorities have changed. I don't view relationships in the same way I did before. My children and I come first. Stay strong. As far as money goes, the more disposable cash we have, the more we spend. Secondly, when the financial situation is tough, most men tend to maximise their earning potential, hence better career prospects, which means that once your child support obligations are over, you will be laughing on your way to the bank. Take care men and keep updating. Nomad1
Gunny376 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Time for venting... Friends, some of you have followed my story. After separating, I was doing pretty well for a year, but went down emotionally in the last month or so, very down. I just crashed, after I was strong, dealt with the stress, exercised, and was doing well. Is it common for such crashes to occur? I think my biggest worry is that at early 40s, I have nothing in the bank, own nothing, and even have little debt. Ex managed to take a good chunk of my pension, which I had to pay upfront (she is not entitled afterwards), and the lawyers took the rest. So, it feels bad after so many years of hard work, and at the end nothing. Other issue is: I am kind of losing motivation for doing things. Everyday is becoming just mechanical--difficult to get out of bed, worried, but still trying to do my everyday job. It is true I do not keep myself busy enough, but at the same time I find it very difficult to force myself to keep busy. I am healthy, and I keep repeating to myself that this is the most important thing and I should be happy and thankful for what I have, but I am not there. Also, the loneliness is killing me, although I do meet people, but evenings and weekends are hell. Help! Any good advice? Ex is history, and she does not exist in my mind. I am NC, unless there is something related to the kids. She lives with her parents, and I am relieved if they pick up the phone; otherwise, she usually asks if I am going to remarry. You've got to re-educate your thinking, and your mind ~ literally. You've got to work on your perspective and attitude ~ and that's going to take sometime and effort. Instead of seeing your situation as a bad thing? You've got to 'flip it' and look at it as a good thing. Hard to do ~ but 'do-able' I've come to the conclusion that marriage isn't the same as it was seventy years ago, and along with Women's Lib, a radical change in divorce laws? That marriage is for women and children ~ not men. In fact men have very little to gain from being married? And at the dawn of the 21st century more to lose than they have to gain. Companionship, sex, and children ~ along with exclusive rights to pay for all of that. Not that I'm bashing women? Just the way it is these days. The truth of the matter is? Most people ~ both men and women? Are not LTR material. I've ran into many women that have the attitude of "If it doesn't work out? I'll just a divorce!" or "If this one doesn't work out? I'll get out of the same way I did the last one? (Or two, three, four, five) Some women look upon marriage as an investment portfolio. I remember in my early twenties while in the Marine Corps, I meet a gal who was the daughter of a career Solider and SAHM. She kept pushing for marriage, and my re-enlisting into the Corps after my first hitch. My sixth sense kicked in and I told I was going to re-enlist? She couldn't drop me fast enough. My first and only wife played me like a fiddle. After twelve years she cashed out. She got everything worth stealing from the marriage using my military retirement as bargaining chip. Not a problem, (She wasn't entitled to half in Alabama at the time anyway) Factoring in medical, dental, commissary, PX privileges? My retirement is probably worth about 3/4+ of a million plus. Everything she got? Has probably had to be replaced once if not twice over. The good news is that now that your single again? Half to two-thirds of the stuff they sell in ChinaMart (Wal-Mart) Sears, JC Penny's etc? You've no use for as man. Men aren't like women? They can go years and years with the same furniture and appliances. Men think? Hey it works! Sure its nice to have a place with a 'women's touch' But a cable wire spool will hold a pyramid of beer cans as good as the most expensive coffee table ~ plus you don't have to worry about watermarks or spilt beer. When I was married and/or living with a women? We use to have three kinds of paper? Toilet paper, paper towels, and tissue paper? We had freaking boxes of tissue paper everywhere? In the bathroom, in the living room, in the den, in the bedroom? When your a single man? You have two? Toilet paper and paper towels? When you run out of one? You use the other! Now that I'm over the child support/rearing hump? I'm making more money than I ever made in my life. I banking around 1800 a month into the bank (I never re-married) after living expenses. If I had to? I could live off my military retirement (no thrills or frills though) My biggest advice! Be damn slow about getting involved less entangled in another serious relationship. They're easy to get into, can be hard to maintain and difficult to get out of! Most of them are gone to fissile out anyway. The can trip you up in tangle-foot, (think WWI barbed wire) quick, fast and in a hurry like. You need to be thinking that at your age? A good 80% to 90% of women out there? Are already married and/or in a committed relationship. Most of the rest aren't worth having. Those that have never been married (this applies to women as well) ~ there's a damn good reason why. So don't even waste your time. There's all kind of women out there! Crazy women, Prozac women, Neddy women, Drama Queen women, Blaming women, Architie women (won't to re-invent you ~ tell you how to live your life, dress, walk, talk) Family Orientated women (mainly hers to the exclusion of yours), selfish women, marrying women (wants to get married to provide for her, her children with another man, etc), Gold-digging women, ' On and on, (and this doesn't just pertain to different women ~ Women should take heed to my words! Its not that there's not good women out there? But they're like finding a good job. They're out there? But what good ones there are? They're generally already been snacthed up, and the ones that have them? They've had them a good long while, are planning on keeping them, and your just about going to have to kill them to get them from them. The rest? And what's left? Generally aren't worth having. You need to seriously at your age be thinking about if you want a nice little furnished house with all the comforts of home? Or sitting in the nursing home talking about your first, second, third, or fourth ex-wife broke (because the took their half and the lawyers took the rest), and no where to go? Loneliness? Brother! You were born alone! And your probably gong to die alone!
skinman Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Gunny, you are the Man !! such good sound advice coming from someone who knows what he is talking about.......... Thanks.. your post helped me out tremendously...
Gunny376 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Forgot to add? The really two good things about being a man and divorce? You get back full control of your life & you get your 'balls' back! Sure there's a lot of downside ~ but there's a lot of upside to life as well. The upside is what you need to concentrate on.
Patrice Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 PSSST!!! There are some GREAT women out here who are going through the same things. Man Gunny, for being over it, you're still pretty angry with women!
Patrice Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Try the other side ... toilet seat down, no burping/farting contiuously, no cooking, no hearing everyday that's it all about YOU ... geezus.
Gunny376 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 PSSST!!! There are some GREAT women out here who are going through the same things. Man Gunny, for being over it, you're still pretty angry with women! Having been raised in a Christian home in the Deep South where it seems there's some kind of church on every corner, in my youth I believed to have faith in people that were good and had value until they proved otherwise. Now having lived life? I'm for the most part the exact opposite. That includes men and women? I don't hate women. As a matter of fact I love them. I just don't fully trust them until they've earned my trust. But that aside? You can bet the farm that this is one Marine Gunny that won't be getting azz raped in divorce court you can believe that for sure and certain. Should I ever get married again? I will be fair amicable about it, but if she wants to get ugly? I won't be fun and it won't be pretty. I really see where men benefit from marriage? Most that do last the long haul in end up in a martial atrophy with her going and doing her thing, and him going and doing hers. Even when they're at home together? She's in one room watching Lifetime or HGTV, and him in another watching the news or the game? I'm not saying there aren't go women out there? The hard part is finding one? You've got your Prozac Woman Unfortunately a very common type of woman you can meet. This is the one who uses pharmaceuticals to feel good about herself. Your Needy Woman These are very scary women. They are sweet as pie, just until the the nectar from Venus flytrap. Once they sucked into supporting their neediness? It just grows from there. They are emotionally needy, financially need. Unless you have the patience of Job you will wear out fro trying to meet their emotional needs Your Drama Queen Woman Another and scary one, this one loves having a crisis. And her hold life is freaking crisis? If can't find a crisis? She'll create one. Your Blaming Woman Another scary woman, these are women who are so embittered by their divorce their entire focus is on being miserable and making their ex miserable. (And you too if you get entangled in her web) Quite often a Prozac and needy woman as well. The Architect Woman At some time after the onset of the relationship the suggestions start? Perhaps you should cut your hair differently, or suddenly you don't know how to even dress yourself. She wants to make you into own personal version of a Ken Doll. The Family Oriented Woman This is a woman who is all about her kids (often to the exclusion of yours) and making sure they have a family environment. She wants to get married and you've got a pulse and good job? Your a good candidate. After you get married? Find yourself a new hobby ~ because it going to be all about the children, The Selfish Woman A clue for spotting one? The conversation is all about me, me, me!Everything gets put on the back burner except herself. There's the flip side where all of the focus in on you ~ smothering you. The Marrying Woman Some are stricly out to get married. They are emotionally or financially dependent on being married. This is a very common type. Usually can be a loving companion ~ if your ready for marriage? The Gold Digging Woman The kind that measures your love and affection by the value of the gifts you buy. Quite often a selfish woman as well but good at hiding it? Cold calculating women that men according to the size of their bank account. To deter them buy an old 88 Toyota pickup and use it for the first date. The Dominatrix Self explanatory. She is often also an architect. They want to run every little aspect of your life. No issue is too small for them not to have an opinion. From your hair to your clothing. The Titmouse This is the woman that totally defers to you and your opinion. To those who may like this kind of woman? More power to you. I personally prefer a woman who carries her own opinions and is not afraid to voice them in an intelligent, reasoned discussions. And who is willing to listen to and respect yours. You may also find yourself bored to death in short order. The Psycho Woman Some are drug dependent, some are Alkies, some are so bitter from their first divorce that they consider all men to be the scum of the Earth. These are the ones that fall in love with you on the first date, and begin a program of phone calls, visits in the middle of the night, suddenly popping up outside your work, or demanding every moment of your time. This kind be extremely cunning in hiding their mental problems. The Married But Looking For A Fling Woman Self explanatory. This one could possibly get you seriously hurt or even killed. The Bed Buddies Woman Self explanatory, but if your looking for something more? Look elsewhere The Hot Tub Woman You buy or build something for yourself? Say for example a motorcycle? This type absolutely refuses to let you use it, enjoy it ~ anything. Can you say bye-bye your b****? The Real Woman This is the one you want to find. She is real about herself, you and her family. She can hold an intelligent conversation and is no slouch in the bedroom either. Willing to work as a team, not interested in running your life. A woman who understands that men and women think differently and is willing to adjust. Financially responsible, These are definite keepers, and if you already got one, tell her you love her and don't screw it up!
Author redblack66 Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 Gunny, I read everything you write, and I am always impressed. The Family Oriented Woman This is a woman who is all about her kids (often to the exclusion of yours) and making sure they have a family environment. She wants to get married and you've got a pulse and good job? Your a good candidate. After you get married? Find yourself a new hobby ~ because it going to be all about the children, This is what I had. The Real Woman This is the one you want to find. She is real about herself, you and her family. She can hold an intelligent conversation and is no slouch in the bedroom either. Willing to work as a team, not interested in running your life. A woman who understands that men and women think differently and is willing to adjust. Financially responsible, These are definite keepers, and if you already got one, tell her you love her and don't screw it up!Wow, this is what I have now. Except she wants to marry me right now, after not knowing each other for very long, and she lives on a different continent. And I still do not have the bloody divorce yet. WTF is ex doing, I do not know, but she is kind of playing it slow. Even ex asked me if I would marry her. WTF???? Oh man, life is bizarre.
Author redblack66 Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 You've got to re-educate your thinking, and your mind ~ literally. This is the absolute truth. You've got to work on your perspective and attitude ~ and that's going to take sometime and effort. Instead of seeing your situation as a bad thing? You've got to 'flip it' and look at it as a good thing. Very well said, I know I am supposed to do it, but it is just hard.
PWSX3 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 The Real Woman This is the one you want to find. She is real about herself, you and her family. She can hold an intelligent conversation and is no slouch in the bedroom either. Willing to work as a team, not interested in running your life. A woman who understands that men and women think differently and is willing to adjust. Financially responsible, These are definite keepers, and if you already got one, tell her you love her and don't screw it up! You've been hitting the sauce again haven't you Gunny??? You really think there are woman out there like this??
Gunny376 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 You've been hitting the sauce again haven't you Gunny??? You really think there are woman out there like this?? Oh yea Perry! They're out there! You see them out and about everyday! Everywhere you go! ChinaMart, at the Dr's office, here there and everywhere. They're just already married and/or otherwise already committed. For the most part? You can assume that 90% of the "Good" women past the age of forty are already in a commited into a LTR. Women can assume the same for men. What's left? Aren't worth having. Its like a bear scrambling at the end of a salmon run. The really good news? There are some really good ones out there. Who have been tempered, tested, and found to be true. And the list I made? You can bet you find the male equivalent to such. And worse! Generally men don't have to worry too much about getting beating up by their wives?
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