She cheated Twice. Now I'm looking.

[thatguy85]

Hi everyone I'm having a hard time here.

 

Where do I start? Ok so me and my wife are both 24 and were recently married earlier in the the year. We had been together for almost 6 years prior to the wedding and I'd say the relationship was awesome until her ex came back into the picture which eventually lead to her cheating a few months prior to the wedding. I forgave her for it because she showed unbelievable remorse, and I truly wanted it to work. The wedding went on as planned.

 

Last month I find some ridiculous text messages on her phone by accident with her and another man (not her ex), which were beyond flirty. Pictures were exchanged and things were said. I almost blew a gasket when I found out, was prepared to leave and I'm still here.

 

I have blamed myself a lot for not stimulating/showing her enough attention. She thinks she has a problem and has been in therapy since. I think she truly does want to be with me, but my heart has been very heavy the past year.

 

I've gone out a few times with some friends to bars and such like i usually do (once or twice a month). But this time, it's different. I've found myself actively looking now, even while not knowing what I'm looking for. I met a girl and I think I am developing a crush on her and it's scaring the **** out of me.

 

I made a promise on my wedding day. I am embarrassed to tell my close friends and family members of my issues. A lot of time and money was invested in the wedding, and I never wanted a divorce (still don't) - especially so close to how recently we were married. I'd feel terrible for anyone who invested in our marriage ceremony and relationship altogether to end it.

 

Oddly though, I want sometime to happen with this girl I recently met. No idea what to do - any advice would mean a lot to me.

[Chrome Barracuda]

why dont you just divorce instead of lowering yourself to her level. if she has a serious problem with being faithful it isnt your fault. If you need to wander because you dont feel appreciated by your wayward spouse then leave. I mean you dont have any kids and both of you are relatively young, maybe she isnt the one to be with.

 

She cheated not once, but twice. And she hasnt given you a straight answer why!

[westernxer]

While you sort this out in your head (and with your wife), I recommend that you stay away from bars where you can flirt with other women, since that won't contribute to a healthy outcome for either of you.

[whichwayisup]

Dump the crush and focus on fixing your marriage. If you love your wife and want to work through these issues, her cheating and you not paying enough attention to her, GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELLING! Don't be selfish and cheat on her! Live up to your vows!

 

Or, divorce now and then go date that crush.

 

Two wrongs do not make a right.

[thatguy85]

Thanks for the support. Sounds like the consensus thus far is to go do more counseling.

 

I just want to make it clear though that when I say I'm "looking", it isn't as if I'm purposely trying to be unfaithful. I have just started to notice and become more attracted mentally and physically to other women. It's not just girls I meet when I'm out at a bar, but coworkers, acquaintances, etc.

 

I am not out there trying to "get even". It just feels like the wall of protection I had around my mind that said "NO!" whenever considering another woman has completely eroded. I am also not looking for a fling. When I get these thoughts about other women it's more "long-term" than anything. It's hard to explain with words, and I'm not proud of it.

 

Maybe in my heart I'm starting to detach from my wife, but I can't bear the thought of not fathering our future family. It's really painful and I don't know what to do.

[stillafool]

Hi everyone I'm having a hard time here.

 

Where do I start? Ok so me and my wife are both 24 and were recently married earlier in the the year. We had been together for almost 6 years prior to the wedding and I'd say the relationship was awesome until her ex came back into the picture which eventually lead to her cheating a few months prior to the wedding. I forgave her for it because she showed unbelievable remorse, and I truly wanted it to work. The wedding went on as planned.

 

Last month I find some ridiculous text messages on her phone by accident with her and another man (not her ex), which were beyond flirty. Pictures were exchanged and things were said. I almost blew a gasket when I found out, was prepared to leave and I'm still here.

 

I have blamed myself a lot for not stimulating/showing her enough attention. She thinks she has a problem and has been in therapy since. I think she truly does want to be with me, but my heart has been very heavy the past year.

 

I've gone out a few times with some friends to bars and such like i usually do (once or twice a month). But this time, it's different. I've found myself actively looking now, even while not knowing what I'm looking for. I met a girl and I think I am developing a crush on her and it's scaring the **** out of me.

 

I made a promise on my wedding day. I am embarrassed to tell my close friends and family members of my issues. A lot of time and money was invested in the wedding, and I never wanted a divorce (still don't) - especially so close to how recently we were married. I'd feel terrible for anyone who invested in our marriage ceremony and relationship altogether to end it.

 

Oddly though, I want sometime to happen with this girl I recently met. No idea what to do - any advice would mean a lot to me.

 

Don't do it! You're angry and you feel cheated right now so you are unconsciously or consiciously looking for a way to pay your wife back. I can't imagine her acting that way so recently after getting married. The honeymoon stage isn't even over yet. I really don't know what to advise you to do but I do feel for you. I would be so hurt. I do know that you will not feel any better if you cheat on your wife.

[reservoirdog1]

You have a serious problem here, and it's not because of your "looking".

 

Your wife cheated a few months before the wedding, and it understandably almost derailed not only your wedding plans, but the entire relationship. No doubt it was devastating for you, and I'm sure it was made very clear to HER exactly how devastating it was for you.

 

And then what happened? She started up AGAIN after the wedding (and I stress that you may well have no idea how far things actually went with this other guy).

 

That woman, it would seem, has very little respect for the marriage, or for you. It says a lot about your dedication that you're willing to consider trying again in the midst of that. But if it were me, I'd be having serious doubts about the viability of the marriage. In particular, I'd be worried that she'd look at the fact that you stayed with her after she cheated the SECOND time, and conclude that she can do what she wants and you won't leave.

 

You're only 24 buddy. Way too young to chain yourself to somebody who betrays you TWICE.

[MistyK]

You're only 24 buddy. Way too young to chain yourself to somebody who betrays you TWICE.

 

I second that.

[seibert253]

So she cheated prior to you getting married, and now she cheating again? And you've only been married two years?

 

Leopards do not change their spots. Your wife is a cheat and she cannot control herself. You have two choices:

1. D her and move on. (my choice here. You've gave her a second chance, she proved she's not trustworthy) Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

2. Try to work through this and face the chance that later on down the road, after you've had kids, she continue with her old ways. Are you willing to risk that? Child support and shared custody, or worse, accepting her behavior and being a cuckold?

 

Dude, you're 24, no kids? Move on. You deserve better.

[thatguy85]

thanks everyone. heres an update:

 

I just spoke with my wife and told her I haven't been happy for some time. I told her I'm still very hurt and don't know what to do about it.

 

I think the problem is I really really love her, and I know she loves me (I know some will doubt this, but theres no question in my mind). I am just very scared to leave. Heres why:

 

1. I am worried that leaving will make me very lonely.

2. I fear I will never find someone as good as her.

3. I fear that I will never love anyone as much as her, and will pine for her from relationship to relationship. She is my first true love.

4. I am worried about her if I leave. She is very dependent on me for a lot of things, and I need to know she'll be okay.

5. I am worried about looking like a moron to my friends and families after going through so much with her and the expensive wedding my parents helped me pay for.

6. I am scared no one will ever find me to be special and love me.

 

 

She has taken the news very terribly. She has agreed to pack her things and move out and she wants me to be happy. She then got hysterical and begged me to fight, stating she'd do anything. It really broke my heart to see her that way. I care about her so much.

[Devil Inside]

If you are really going to give this another shot then do it with the support of a marriage counselor. It is going to be too much to sort out alone.

 

I think that you have some good insight into what is holding you back from D. However most of those reasons look like self esteem issues. Truth is...you would be able to find someone else...there really are plenty of fish in the sea, and many that would not cheat on you. However, until you worked on yourself a little you would end up in a bad situation again.

 

Whatever you do....do not cheat. I did...worst mistake of my life.

 

Good luck.

[seibert253]

thanks everyone. heres an update:

 

I just spoke with my wife and told her I haven't been happy for some time. I told her I'm still very hurt and don't know what to do about it.

 

I think the problem is I really really love her, and I know she loves me (I know some will doubt this, but theres no question in my mind). I am just very scared to leave. Heres why:

 

1. I am worried that leaving will make me very lonely.

2. I fear I will never find someone as good as her.

3. I fear that I will never love anyone as much as her, and will pine for her from relationship to relationship. She is my first true love.

4. I am worried about her if I leave. She is very dependent on me for a lot of things, and I need to know she'll be okay.

5. I am worried about looking like a moron to my friends and families after going through so much with her and the expensive wedding my parents helped me pay for.

6. I am scared no one will ever find me to be special and love me.

 

 

She has taken the news very terribly. She has agreed to pack her things and move out and she wants me to be happy. She then got hysterical and begged me to fight, stating she'd do anything. It really broke my heart to see her that way. I care about her so much.

 

Dude, man you are soooo broken. The time for feeling sorry is over, it's time to heal. I'm going to answer these as you posted them. The answers will be blunt and to the point. I'm not intending these to be offensive or make you mad, but it seems you need someone to slap you back into reality. Here it goes, get ready:

1. Yes you will be lonely, for a time. But, that feeling will fade each and everyday. Each day you will get a little stronger until the day comes when you can say, now I see, what a fool I've been.

2. Wrong. As good as she? She cheats on you twice, the second time after you've forgiven her and gave her another chance. COME ON MAN!

3. Wrong, you will. As a matter of fact, you will love that person more, because you will not have this constant worry in the back of your mind

4. She will be fine. Dude, she made this bed, she needs to lie in it. You did not have a choice in the matter, she chose.

5. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You did the right thing, the stand up thing. You forgave her the first time, she went out and did it again. If you stay with her, many will think you're a fool. If you stay and she does it again, that will secure their thoughts.

6. Absolutely wrong. I believe, and others will agree, your soulmate is out there. A loving, committed woman, who will give you the love you deserve. Gals, back me up here. Let's here from the girls who would move heaven and earth for a guy who is as loving, forgiving, and committed to his woman as you are.

 

You need to start doing what's right for you. Damn her and earth she occupies. She's hurt, who cares. She brought this upon herself. If your marriage is done, (and in my opinion it should be), too F#ckin bad for her. She should have thought about that earlier.

 

She didn't come to you and tell you about this, you found out on your own. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE HERE. She's only hurt and upset because she got caught, and she's afraid her meal ticket, (you), will kick her to the curb. (which you should)

 

Let me ask you another question, if you hadn't found the evidence on her phone, do you think she would have quit on her own, and owned up to everything? NO F#CKIN WAY. She'd still be sending texts, pictures, whatever to the OM. As a matter of fact, I'm not convinced that's all that occurred. I think you have only tipped the iceberg so to speak. I'm willing to bet the farm she's slept with dude#2.

 

Don't let your emotions overcome common sense. Your heart is telling you one thing, but your mind is telling you another. I think you have to go with you mind on this one.

[reservoirdog1]

TG85, your worries are not unreasonable, and none of them are surprising to me or, I expect, to most of the other posters here. They are absolutely, predictably textbook worries coming from a guy dealing with the shock and devastation from being betrayed. And bear in mind that she dealt you that body blow once before, saw the horrible effect it had on you, and then turned around and... did it again. It's basically the emotional equivalent of kicking somebody in the balls, and then doing it again while they're staggering to their feet.

 

But, I'll address your concerns one at a time.

 

1. I am worried that leaving will make me very lonely.

It might. But you have friends and family. And you have no idea the extent to which they will probably rally around you once they know the truth. My family and friends were an amazing support network when I went through this. I was living alone, but I wasn't lonely at all, thanks to them.

 

2. I fear I will never find someone as good as her.

Depends what you mean by "good". The "good" person you're referring to is, in reality, a deeply flawed individual who has betrayed you. Twice. I'm not saying she's evil, or a bad person. But she is either messed up inside, or has a broken moral compass. And suffice to say that there are a lot of women out there who WON'T betray your trust repeatedly.

 

3. I fear that I will never love anyone as much as her, and will pine for her from relationship to relationship. She is my first true love.

I understand where you're coming from with this one. In the aftermath of learning the truth about my marriage and XW's serial cheating, I felt the same way. The idea of trying to love somebody other than her, or even finding another woman as attractive as I found her, was incomprehensible to me.

 

But it does and will pass. Probably faster than you think, in fact. After a few months of being apart from XW, I found that the images of my life with her, which had seemed so clear and immediate right after the split, had started to fade. And I found, over time, that she seemed less and less attractive in my eyes. And now, almost six years later, if I didn't know her and saw her on the street, I'm not sure I'd give her a second look. She was my first love too, and I felt just like you do. But that doesn't matter to me anymore, and it won't matter to you either in time.

 

4. I am worried about her if I leave. She is very dependent on me for a lot of things, and I need to know she'll be okay.

She has family and friends too, who will be there for her. If, for whatever reason, she really doesn't want you to leave but you leave anyway, it will hurt her for awhile. But she will get over it. Just like you will. It's admirable that you care about her so much, but bear in mind that she has NOT reciprocated your feelings, or at least to nearly the degree you have. She's acted in blatant disregard for them. Fundamentally, your first responsibility is to yourself. Who are you living for if not for yourself? You've only got one shot at life.

 

5. I am worried about looking like a moron to my friends and families after going through so much with her and the expensive wedding my parents helped me pay for.

 

Make sure you tell your parents the whole story. And once you've done that, I doubt they'd be anything other than supportive. They want you to be happy. And I'll bet you anything, as I said above, that they and your friends will rally to your side. And, lastly, staying in a stillborn marriage simply because the wedding was expensive is a horrible reason.

 

6. I am scared no one will ever find me to be special and love me.

I understand this feeling, and I went through it myself. It WILL happen. If that woman loved you, why wouldn't another woman? It will take time, for sure. I've dated a lot in the six years since my split, had one long-term relationship of two years that didn't work, and am currently with my GF of seven months and things are going great. Just take it one day at a time. You're 24, man. You have your whole life ahead of you. Somebody else said it first: "one day somebody will come into your life who will make you understand why it never worked with anybody else." Eyes on the prize.

 

I'm not telling you to leave her; only you can decide that. But you definitely need to be considering your options without being burdened by the above six worries which, in all honesty, are not good reasons for staying in the marriage (understandable worries though they are).

 

All I'll say about it is that, if you decide to give it one more try with her, make sure (a) you both get STD tests, and (b) you go to counselling -- together, and her separately.

 

All the best man...

[thatguy85]

im still at work and im going home soon to have a long chat with my wife. I'm really nervous, and completely terrified. I think I'm going to be sick.

[thatguy85]

i just had a thought. assuming my wife is truly f*cked in the head by things her dad did while she was a child and really does have legitimate issues with attention and such, does that give me a better reason to stay with her and try to help her through it.

 

i ask almost as a last resort because marriage was and still is so serious to me. I always wanted to be the guy with the fairytale love story who lived happily ever after. it was a dream of mine NOT to divorce, and here i am looking it right in the face.

 

i guess what im asking is: is marriage truly a 'til death due us part' ? should i continue to fight?

someone i respect a lot once told me anything worth anything is worth fighting for. should i fight for us? should i MAKE her change her ways? counselling?

[seibert253]

i just had a thought. assuming my wife is truly f*cked in the head by things her dad did while she was a child and really does have legitimate issues with attention and such, does that give me a better reason to stay with her and try to help her through it.

 

i ask almost as a last resort because marriage was and still is so serious to me. I always wanted to be the guy with the fairytale love story who lived happily ever after. it was a dream of mine NOT to divorce, and here i am looking it right in the face.

 

i guess what im asking is: is marriage truly a 'til death due us part' ? should i continue to fight?

someone i respect a lot once told me anything worth anything is worth fighting for. should i fight for us? should i MAKE her change her ways? counselling?

 

She WILL NOT CHANGE, until she wants to. She didn't want to change the first time, what makes you think she will want to change now.

 

Abuse or not, there is NO EXCUSE for infidelity. If she wanted or needed attention, I'm sure if she came to you, you would have bent over backwards to give her what she needed. She didn't do that, TWICE.

 

Anything worth having, is worth fighting for, IF: the battle is winable. If the battle's not able to be won, then fighting it is called SUICIDE.

 

Look, here's what I think, for what it's worth. I think you need some time away from your wife, and this situation to get your head on straight. I think maybe she should go and stay with her parents so you can clear your emotions. Right now your so emotional, you cannot make a rational decision. Your wife just tore you heart from your chest and stomped on it AGAIN.

 

Can your marriage be fixed, maybe, but in my experience I doubt it. You will have to be on your guard and checking up on her everyday. There will always be doubt in your mind. What is she doing, who is she with, where is she will become staples in your thoughts.

 

Sit and think upon this, really focus and think, will you ever really be able to trust her again? I mean 100 percent trust, not just 60 or 70 percent trust. What kind of marriage is that? You deserve better.

 

Peace,

[mark982]

buddy, she's made a fool out of you twice. your call,but do you really wanna go thru life having to get std's checked,dna on any future kids?

[thatguy85]

for what its worth i honestly don't think she's had sex with another man. The first time around it was very much an emotional affair. I was working a lot and she would spend many hours on the phone with him, texting him and messaging him online. I found out due to weird behavior on her part, and wound up checking logs - to find out I was right. She doesn't drive so I have a good idea of where she is a good portion of the time. She did arrange to meet with him once without my knowing, but I found out from a non-involved third party member that they did not have sex. Thats a long story in itself, but I do believe it was non-sexual. I am still hurt about the emotional affair though.

 

The 2nd time around, same story. I actually happened to catch the convo extremely early when she started acting funny again. This guy was from a few states away and she met him through a social networking app for her iPhone from a guy who was acting like he wanted to be her friend. The same day things got ridiculous between them was the day I decided to check out her messages, and thats what I found. So again, I doubt she had sex with this guy too.

 

Do you think this makes a difference? I still consider it unfaithful activity, but not full blown sexual cheating.

[whichwayisup]

i just had a thought. assuming my wife is truly f*cked in the head by things her dad did while she was a child and really does have legitimate issues with attention and such, does that give me a better reason to stay with her and try to help her through it.

You can't save her..You can love and support her, but she needs to deal with her issues by doing counselling..By talking about it and learning how to deal with this without the need to go looking for other men. Counselling has to happen! Talk to her about it.

 

If you love her and feel she's worth it, then try.. But - You cannot make her fix herself, or change her ways unless she wants to.

 

It's going to be alot harder on you to fix things if she isn't willing to put in the same effort.

[mark982]

emotional,physical both are disrespectful to your relationship. some people say that their equally as bad.

[thatguy85]

You can't save her..You can love and support her, but she needs to deal with her issues by doing counselling..By talking about it and learning how to deal with this without the need to go looking for other men. Counselling has to happen! Talk to her about it.

 

If you love her and feel she's worth it, then try.. But - You cannot make her fix herself, or change her ways unless she wants to.

 

It's going to be alot harder on you to fix things if she isn't willing to put in the same effort.

 

I appreciate everyones input so far I really do. I am too embarrassed to talk about this to people close to my situation. Everyone who knows us thinks we are an inspiration and are truly great together. Besides the infidelity, I'd say our relationship has been amazing.

 

Whichwayisup - I have a question based on what you just said. I feel right now she is worth it, and she has pledged to change and has acted as though shes more willing to try to fix this. In fact, shes been trying to make it work a lot more than I have been as of late. My question is - if she truly wants to try to fix this AGAIN, then what?

 

I am confused. I think she wants to make it work, I don't hate her for what shes done. In fact, I love her just as much as always. I have forgiven her, but forgetting and learning to trust again is the hard part. I also feel like she should be held accountable. I feel like I shouldn't be such a [insert derogatory word for female private area here] and kick her to the curb for what shes done. In all honesty I hate to see her upset and I just really really wanted to grow old with her. I feel like a broken record here.

[seibert253]

I appreciate everyones input so far I really do. I am too embarrassed to talk about this to people close to my situation. Everyone who knows us thinks we are an inspiration and are truly great together. Besides the infidelity, I'd say our relationship has been amazing.

 

Whichwayisup - I have a question based on what you just said. I feel right now she is worth it, and she has pledged to change and has acted as though shes more willing to try to fix this. In fact, shes been trying to make it work a lot more than I have been as of late. My question is - if she truly wants to try to fix this AGAIN, then what?

 

I am confused. I think she wants to make it work, I don't hate her for what shes done. In fact, I love her just as much as always. I have forgiven her, but forgetting and learning to trust again is the hard part. I also feel like she should be held accountable. I feel like I shouldn't be such a [insert derogatory word for female private area here] and kick her to the curb for what shes done. In all honesty I hate to see her upset and I just really really wanted to grow old with her. I feel like a broken record here.

OK, from what I read, you want to try one more time. I don't agree with this and I think you're making a very big mistake, but in any regards if you want to give it another go, there's somethings that will be required of and from her. These are not open for discussion, and are not negotiable. She either obides by these, or the deals off:

1. Total transparency on her part. You have unfiltered access to all of her forms of comunication, cellphone, computers, and other devices. You have access to all her passwords on all email accounts. FB, done, closed. You reserve the right to inspect any or all of these at anytime.

2. NC with OM. She writes him a NC letter, short, sweet, to the point; Our relationship is over, do not try to contact me in any way, ever again. You proofread this, then watch her send it. Then immediately block him from all email and cellphone accounts.

3. IC for both of you, and MC for the two of you.

4. She informs her family of what's been going on, and you tell yours. Why? Both of you are going to need support to get through this. You cannot go it alone. You will need a support mechanism.

[thatguy85]

Thanks seibert. I still don't really know if I want to give her another chance or not, and I doubt she will want everyone in our families to know. I have been back and forth on this for days.

 

I am scheduled to have my head examined by a therapist/counselor next week in hopes that he will help me uncover an answer for what I want to do.

[Devil Inside]

I appreciate everyones input so far I really do. I am too embarrassed to talk about this to people close to my situation. Everyone who knows us thinks we are an inspiration and are truly great together. Besides the infidelity, I'd say our relationship has been amazing.

 

Whichwayisup - I have a question based on what you just said. I feel right now she is worth it, and she has pledged to change and has acted as though shes more willing to try to fix this. In fact, shes been trying to make it work a lot more than I have been as of late. My question is - if she truly wants to try to fix this AGAIN, then what?

 

I am confused. I think she wants to make it work, I don't hate her for what shes done. In fact, I love her just as much as always. I have forgiven her, but forgetting and learning to trust again is the hard part. I also feel like she should be held accountable. I feel like I shouldn't be such a [insert derogatory word for female private area here] and kick her to the curb for what shes done. In all honesty I hate to see her upset and I just really really wanted to grow old with her. I feel like a broken record here.

 

So if you are going to give it a go then do it with some boundaries. Give yourself the respect to set up some limits for yourself...you have no control over her.

 

Decide what concrete steps she would need to be taking to make you feel that she was working on her issues. So maybe counseling, letting you see her emails and texts, whatever else you feel would give yo peace of mind. Don't lie to yourself here...make sure you come up with concrete steps that involve her doing things...and honestly it should be counseling..you can't undo childhood issues with a self help book.

 

Next, set a deadline for yourself. If these things aren't accomplished in x amount of weeks, months, etc...then you will walk. Make sure you set a deadline...because if not you will hang in limbo.

 

The you sit down with her and let her know where yo stand. What you need to feel that this marriage is salvageable. Let her know the steps and the deadline...and tell her this is no ultimatum...she decides what she does...you're just letting her know what your limit is. Make sure you let her know how much you want this to work and how much you love and believe in her.

 

Then, do your work, support her in doing hers...and stick to your limits.

 

Good luck man...I really hope it works out for you...you are so young to go through all this...maybe your marriage will truly be stronger as a result...just remember to look out for number one...or you will be right back where you started.

[relationship-advisor]

First of all both of you sit together and decide what to do with this relationship issue.If both of you are serious then visit a Marriage Consellor to sortout your issues at the earliest.