ricearoni4hamburger Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I apologize this is so long, but I think the back story is important so you can give me your best opinions. My former/BF and I have a 2-1/2 year long and pretty tumultuous long-distance romance. It was pretty much "love-at-first-sight" for both of us, yet due to what I felt was any possibility of an intimate future together, I broke up with him in June. Here is my previous post that tells our history until last October, at which point I thought he was going to propose to me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t166648/ Boy, was I wrong. He ended up not coming to visit in November after all, as planned due to illness. Instead, we decided to wait a few months and then try living together here in the US, for as long as he could legally stay with me, which could be a year to six months. I didn't think he was ready for such a big step, be he said he definitely was, so I went to Germany in January to visit and we were successful in getting him a Visa valid for six months. Everything looked like it was going well; he gave up his apartment, made a "commitment" to live with me, and we decided we were going to go forward as a live-in couple. He came back in February, and we began day-to-day life together. It was challenging at best. What I did not reveal in my previous post was that we hadn't had physical relations since our first three months together (due to a lack of desire and low libido on his part – he has some deep psychological issues, including abuse history, around sex), and the intimacy problems just got worse when he was back here. He continued to tell me he loved me, but he couldn't (or wouldn't) show it beyond a simple kiss or hug. We tended to argue more over the next couple of months, mostly about the lack of intimacy/love-making, the fact that he refused to seek counseling around this issue, and his failure to want to commit to anything beyond just "shacking up". I had really wanted, and expected, a proposal at some point, which never came. Also, I was struggling financially and had just lost my job, and I was feeling insecure about myself and was having very low self-esteem at the time, and things just got worse. Plus, we had discussed many times that he could work in the US if we got married, which he still was too "afraid" to even think about. Finally, after three months of arguing and stress, he made a quick and unplanned departure to Germany for “business reasons”. I think he made up the reason, but I think we both needed the separation. We decided to not make any plans for our future and just take a break. Three weeks went by, though, and after not communicating we began to miss each other. He emailed me to ask how I was doing and I said I could use his help on a business matter, and he said he wanted to come back to the US to help. Long story short, he came back and we tried again to make it work, living together, from May until June, and again it was disastrous. Finally, he said he just couldn't manage living with another person and wanted to go back to his single bachelor life, in Germany, for good. Of course, he had given up his apartment and had no where to return to, but he didn't care and wanted to leave anyway. I also did some soul-searching at that time and realized I didn't want to have a live-in partner who refused to have sex with me. (We did have an open relationship, which I was fine with, but I wanted sex with him as well, of course, him being my significant other!) It would have been another story if he had agreed to work on the issue, but he refused. We were fighting his last days, and he just wanted to leave as soon as he could. At the airport, I basically wished him good riddance without even a kiss goodbye. Once he was back in Germany, I decided to finally call it quits, over the telephone, and that was it. We both admitted we felt love for each other, but that we just didn’t seem to work as a couple. I initially told him I didn't even want to be friends, because I believed we could not just be friends, considering my feelings (romantic) for him. I just wanted distance. However, he pleaded with me not to break off communications entirely, and I agreed to consider being friends. We had NC for probably a month, and then he emailed me, out of the blue, telling me he had a business connection he wanted me to meet in Germany. Against my better judgment, but due to a free ticket and my kids being away, I decided to go. There, I had my business meetings and saw him my last day there. We both handled the meeting very well, like friends (even though I know we both sensed there was something more between us). We talked, cordially, told each other that we were trying to move on, and he said he’d just starting seeing a new girl, who just happened to be his roommate. Interestingly, I was not jealous or upset, and I told him I’d been seeing some men as well. In fact, I had a couple of dates while I was in Germany! Anyway, we ended up talking for about an hour and shook hands, and then parted ways. I really felt that our “couple” relationship was over at that point. The next day, before I left town, he called me and wanted to talk. He proceeded to tell me that his “roommate” was feeling upset/jealous because he had come to see me. In fact, she accused him of still being “in love with me”, but he denied this and said he told her I was “just a friend” but would always be someone special in his life. He then told me he had lied to her and that he really did still love me, but only as a “good friend”. Apparently, she ended what they had going on a couple of weeks later because she firmly believed he was still in love with me (obviously more than as a friend), although he continued to deny it. She kicked him out and he eventually had to move in with another friend. That was a month and a half ago. Two weeks ago, he called me (I hadn’t heard from him in weeks). He sounded different. He said he’d been thinking a lot and that he realized he’d been taking a lot of things for granted. He told me he thought his former roommate/girlfriend was right, and that he has been in denial and is in fact still in love with me and that I am the one constant in his life. He told me he cannot imagine life without me. He told me he missed me, and that he wanted to see me again. He actually said he needed to start working on his issues around relationships and intimacy. I was shocked and intrigued by his admission, but immediately reminded him why we had broken up - because we didn’t work as a couple. I also told him that I was trying to move on. (However, when I'm with another guy, I sometimes still think about him.) He said he didn’t necessarily want to rush into being a couple again, but maybe he could come to the US, get an apartment, he could work on some of his issues, and we could just starting each other and see where it leads. I admit I feel stronger now and more secure in myself, work is going well, and I definitely don’t want to think about long-term commitments, so I do not feel compelled to want to jump right back into something with him. I'm enjoying being a single girl again. But I admit I still have deep feelings for him and am considering it. However, I believe there are still going to be the same issues with intimacy and commitment if we continue. So, he has a ticket now and he is planning to be here in two weeks! I haven’t told him I would agree to start things up again with him, but I haven’t said, “Don’t come”, either. I know this: I love this man more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. I truly feel he completes me. Like he does, I feel we are soul mates. I also believe soul mates sometimes are not meant to be romantic partners, and maybe this is the case with us. Beyond the intimacy problems and some communication problems, we really get along quite well. Should I give this relationship a second try?
luckyme99 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 All i have to say is run and stay gone. yes, there will be intimacy issues - he doesn't want to have sex with you - this erodes your self worth as a person. He is all over the map and seems very unstable. Don't you want to be with someone who WANTS to have sex with you?> Seriously - keep single and look ahead. Leave this guy to his own messed up world. He has a very bad sexual part (violence?) reread your post. Best advice someone gave me: "if this were your daughters situation, what would you tell her?" tie up your nike's and keep walking....save your self respect;) good luck and take care:)
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