brightlights Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I was with my bf for 4 years before I came to my melting point and broke up with him (of course in between the 4 years we had on and off moments but never longer than a week or so). Now for a little back story to understand this a bit better, he's the type of guy with the dream that by a certain age he would have a kid be married, etc. I'm religious and he's not, so it was always in the air that in order for any of that to happen he would have to at least come to church with me or something because when I get married I want to do it in the church. He always said that he would eventually come but timing never seemed to be found. In addition to that I continued to tell him to relax on the having children thing because I'm not ready for kids right now, but he seemed to always be trying to get me pregnant and I would confront him on this all the time and he would relax for a week or two and start it up again, to the point where I had to go on birth control without telling him to protect myself. Now for one reason or another my birth control failed ( I think due to some anti-biotics I had to take) I found out I was pregnant and freaked. Now I didn't know how to tell him because I couldn't even cope with it myself. (By the way I found out a week before I dumped him) He tends to be a partier so that week I couldn't find a moment to tell him. I found out on a Monday, and on that Sunday when I come home I'm surprised to see him home. So as I prepare myself to try to tell him, within 5 minutes he tells me that he's going to a party downtown for his friends birthday. Now I've never stopped him from going anywhere, but I really needed to talk to him and told him not to go. He said he had to so I let him go and didn't tell him anything. He didn't come home until 7am and I was pissed. He blamed it on the trains (trains in nyc at night do suck in schedule) but I was like w/e. That nite I came home packed up all his stuff and dropped it off at his job and took my keys and drove off. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I felt I was stuck and he was in his own little world and wasn't stepping anything up after all our conversations it was all just talk and nothing more. A few weeks after the break up I had a miscarriage. I didn't bother to tell him cause I figured he didn't know anyways so why bother now. After 4 months apart I get an email which shocked me, he wanted to know how I was doing and so forth. I cried, then got upset, and after pondering things I replied a long e-mail just telling him that I didn't understand why after all this time he wanted to e-mail me now and of course vented on that sunday/monday fiasco, but never mentioned the pregnancy. He replied, trying to explain things and we wrote back and forth for a week. Then he called, and I couldn't help it anymore after all this talking and I told him about what happened and the miscarriage. He was in shock and then kind of made sense of everything else from that. It's been about 3 weeks since then now and we've gone out a few times and talked and vented, but I feel in limbo and in the air and don't know where to go from here. We text everyday and it feels like we were never apart. He says he loves me and all and I of course still love him, but where do we go from here? Would this ever work, I don't know what do do.....help....
Author brightlights Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 we're suppose to talk in person tom or thursday, and try to figure things out.....my stomach is full of butterflies....don't know what to say....don't know if we should get back together or if we should just go our separate ways.....he's been texting me constantly since last week, all day and we just talk random stuff and crack jokes all day from early in the day until i go to sleep.....it's nice and keeps me laughing, but I don't know if we'll be able to get past everything and be able to be an actual couple ever again.....eeeek....any suggestions.....thoughts....ideas....i'll take anything right about now......
daphne Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 It's easier to read in paragraphs. I'm trying to understand why you didn't make him sit down and talk. he would have stayed had you communicated teh urgency. It seems that you could use work on your communication skills. You should have told him before you broke up. I'm not sure if you were getting fed up with the partying or just angry that he wasn't terribly attentive (from the sound of it.) At any rate, you don't seem to know what you want. Figure that out first. We can't tell you what you should do. Sounds like you want him back imo. Good luck.
Author brightlights Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Thanks Daphne, I can see how that may seem as lack of communication on my part. Let me clarify, he wanted to have children for a while now and I've clearly let him know that I'm not ready for that stage in my life and when I do have children I'd like to have them after I'm married and not before. As I stated before I'm religious and he's not. I'm an active member of my church and a youth leader and when I found out I was pregnant that put an immense amount of pressure and stress on me, and I kind of became embarrassed about it, and didn't know how to talk about it. To this day besides him only one other person knows about it. It wasn't something I was shouting out. So that week I barely saw him, cause I work days and he works nights and I was trying to build the strength to tell him, but when I tried to do so on that Sunday down he didn't let me speak with his I have to go, so I just let him go. It was one of those moments where I just felt alone and maybe I didn't react the right way but I was under so much stress because of it that I just let him go. We met up on Wednesday and night and spoke for a long time, and after doing a Q and A back and forth we decided to take it slow and kinda start dating again, but in a closed environment (we won't date anyone else, but no titles) cause we realize we both still love each other a lot but we want to see if we can move past this. He also said that he'd try and come to church with me every chance he gets to see if he likes it. Is this a good idea?
Author brightlights Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 I'm feeling very confused, I'm not sure why I'm having varying emotional mood swings happy, sad, cold, or just not feeling anything, not sure what's triggering all these varying emotional shifts. Anyone have any feedback about this? Or felt like that after being contacted and speaking to an ex again?
sheithappens Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 im guessing all your feelings come back to you all at once and it can be dreadful...... hang in there, i wish you well, hopefully you and i will be better and happy down the road with our situations!!!! good luck!!!!!!! thanks for your help
Author brightlights Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 I guess you're right it is a lot of emotions to deal with....it's just so random and unexpected......I never expected to be speaking to him again, let alone going out with him again. It's a bit scary because you never know what's going to happen or if it will work after everything that's happen...... I hope we can work it out, I haven't told my parents yet only because I don't know how they're going to react and am a little scared of their reaction. They didn't love him too much but accepted him, but were kind of happy (especially my mom) when we broke up, so I don't know how to tell them. Should I just wait a bit to make sure were making good progress before telling them or should I just tell them and get it over with? Any feedback will be appreciated.....
sheithappens Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 i think you should wait a little while until you guys are "official" and going on the right track.... i have not told my parents that i broke up with my girlfriend yet because i guess its me holding on to a little bit of hope , so dont tell your parents until you think you are ready to tell them , good luck, hope to hear from you soon
Author brightlights Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 I totally understand what you mean, it took me a month after the break up to even tell my parents we had broken up, which is why of course I hesitate to tell them were talking again, but your right I should wait until its "official" or at least closer to being "official". I guess at this stage it's a day by day thing, thanks.
sheithappens Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 hang in there, saturday is the big day for me!, i think it might be safe to say she aint coming back cos she hasn't brought me up or anything, i would call her but i am respecting the fact that she needs to study for this and i dont want to ruin it for her, wish me luck
Author brightlights Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Yea i wouldn't break NC now, especially right before her test. I'm trying to be strong and keep myself sane, hard when so many thoughts and emotions run through me so fast, but hopefully all this will be worth it in the end and we'll be stronger than we were before the break up. I'm going to definetly make sure that communication doesn't trickle out slowly and try to keep it flowing so we don't ever feel like we can't talk to each other about whatever is going on.
Author brightlights Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 Its been over a little over a month since we started talking again, and things seem to be going in a good direction. I'm still surcharged with emotions, but am not as over powered by them as before. I'm still not all there and feel we still have a lot of work to do, just don't know how much energy I can continue to put into it, since this relationship tends to drain me, I'm trying to take it easy and not let it drain me, but the over flow of emotions is starting to get to me. Any advice of how I can keep myself from getting drained without secluding myself and risking progress?
Author brightlights Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 I really would love anything anyone has to say.....I just don't want to burn myself out, but don't know how to do it. I've backed off in the sense that I'm usually not the one that initiates communication unless I have to. But this whole renewal of the relationship has created a surge of emotions that is slowly draining me and I'm having a really hard time getting control of it without hurting our progress. Any suggestions????
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