Hurtingmore Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I've never felt so lost in my 21 years of being on this earth it's just depressing. So I thought I would try a new aproach when feeling this down eg making a member of LOVESHACK. I'm warning you it's going to be long and probly boring but I rekon Ill feel slightly better after ive wrote it and hope at least one person reads. I'm a 21 year old male and have been in love with my best male friend for the last six years and no doubt will be in love with this person till I die. He's the only person who can make my brain turn to mush and hurt so. Nevermind being confused about loving a boy as I know im not a full on gay as ive been with many women and seeing one at this point but not been mentally in love with any of them... BACK TO THE START I first set eyes on him when my friend used to go skating with him and told me we was meeting him , i was like fair enough because id heard alot about him and liked meeting new people anyway. That was the first time i saw him.. and that was the first time i ever looked at a boy in that way and still to this day he gives me butterflies. Everything was fine and a played it cool and just got on with it.... weeks went on and started to get to know him very well.. and he started calling for me on his own and coming round.. Hes always been not right in the head since i can remember which makes this harder to work out.. anyway back to the story.. He was 15 at this time and i was a year older. This is werid to write back as it seems so young... nothing much happened for a while ecept play fighting and for some reaosn licking of faces... Then it was his 16th birthday..which was celabrated with alcohol ..some fileds and alot of people... the night finished and i said im going home he agreed and joined me on a walk home which turned into us finally getting off with each other.. it didnt feel wrong it just felt amazing as i really didnt know he was thinking the same thing.. he ended up staying at my house and had fun ...wink wink...morning after was normal and we didnt really care what we had done and everything was fine..It became a regular thing which felt good . and we were both seeing girls at this time so it was a little bit of fun .. ive never really been jelous of him seeing girls to be honest and enjoy it when he has a girl friend so he carnt sleep around and make my heart explode... so yeah it started good and everthing was going smooth.. BOUT 2 years passed and we had kept it a secret for a long time bare in mind we were still doing stuff.But still being really close friends more friends then lovers if thats possible.. Our other close friends started to notice things about us saying we are a little to close and at this point aruging alot more and falling out .. basically like a couple.. This might have been because i started telling him i didnt want to do things anymore as it was ****ing with my head.. stupid really.. He also used to use it against me saying hed tell everyone including the girl i was seeing if i stoped talking to him.. There was plenty of times when we didnt talk for months then see each other again and start it up again.. This still happens to this date... But the years have passed and we both have grown up.. theres not half as much love from him at all and i feel like he hates me and has no feelings for me what so ever but i still feel the same.. ALL IN ALL I feel like he's grown out of me and im still clinging on with whats left .. i can stop talking to him when i want for a long time.but ive noticed it pointless as we BOTH need each other frineds or whatever we need each other .. it might kill me but i know how to not be his friend and not keep in contact with him .. .But we had a talk about it saying friends is all we can be .. ive said we carnt just be friends as i feel more..and there has to be something inside him that says the same.. I know hes been through alot of stuff and mental problems but he still knocks me up at late nights .. wanting me to comfort him.. maybe ive just been a bastard and messing him up even more..Ive not done anything with him for a while now.. well about 9 weeks back which wasnt that fun and he didnt same inito it at all.. which also makes me feel ****.. This is just playing with my heart and i carnt stop it.. I carnt changed the way i feel .. he knows that.. im still hoping one day he will relise he doesnt need anyone else ecept me.. I will wait .. i will cry .. but i know i wont EVER feel how i do with him with anyone else.. This makes no sense what so ever.
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