bluesky123 Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Hey friends, I've been 3.5 months NC, she's back in town for school. Is it safe to say since I've heard nothing she has moved on. On a side note her FB status is "Building Castles in the sand" . It's a song about relationships could it be a sign she's upset too ? I told her when she left me not to contact me so I could get over her. Maybe I shot myself in the foot. I cam very close to breaking NC last night. Please help.
mimiminx Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Definitely do not contact her. I would say that if she hasn't tried to contact you in over three months, then it is over in her mind. You asked her to let you get over her. She did. If she's having second thoughts, she will let you know. If not, she won't contact you. You never know.. but it is not up to you to initiate the contact. good luck....
Beeotch Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Hey friends, I've been 3.5 months NC, she's back in town for school. Is it safe to say since I've heard nothing she has moved on. On a side note her FB status is "Building Castles in the sand" . It's a song about relationships could it be a sign she's upset too ? I told her when she left me not to contact me so I could get over her. Maybe I shot myself in the foot. I cam very close to breaking NC last night. Please help. My best friend was just speaking to me about the dilemmas of her break up ( we both broke up at around the same time) but are on divergent healing paths...me being more healed than she is. She has questions about should she reach out again, make certain things clear since she never actually spelled out she was still in love and wanted another chance etc. I told her: do what will give you peace. It is as simple as that. Breaking NC is NOT the end of the world, no matter what anyone says. Yes you might slow down healing depending on what happens but it is a LESSON LEARNED! I told my friend to reach out if that is what will give her peace of mind. Two things can happen: she gets a positive response or a negative one. EITHER one she knows now for sure she has said and done everything and with whatever outcome she can move forward....I feel if she remains in NC she will ALWAYS be in limbo. Is it safe to say she is not coming back? No. No one can know that. There is no time frame on coming back. I had an ex whom I did not hear a peep from in a YEAR. I wrote him a long email and he did not respond and I moved on. I knew MY conscience was clear. I said everything. So I moved forward, got a new bf and all....didn't think of him except in passing. Who would have thought a year later after him disappearing he would resurface? I sure did not....sooo there is no time frame on it. HOWEVER, I no longer wanted him in that way and I had moved on. So this person can come back whenever they want...you have no control over that...what you control is YOUR life and what YOU WILL DO. Soo if you feel like breaking NC will help...break it! Be prepared for a good or bad thing and be prepared to take what happens and live your life courageously after it.
OndaChin Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Stay NC, Brother!! You have no idea what she's thinking now and at this point, I wouldn't be worrying about it. She has a phone and If you're on her mind she'll call you. Trust me on this! You've done very well to stay NC and you should feel proud that you've remained so strong (by not contacting her). I'm sure at the very least- she probably HAS noticed you 'NOT CONTACTING' her but don't let that fool you into thinking she misses you. It just shows her you're a MAN and secure with your decisions (you stand by your words)!! You showed PRIDE and DIGNITY... don't lose them by contacting her again. Stay strong.. and be proud!! You will meet other women.. I promise you!! Good luck.
Author bluesky123 Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 The last time we had contact is was via email, she needed to figure what she wants out of life, career and husband. The email was vague, like my close firends say (it gave no real closure). The whole break process was odd she was crying more than me becuase she couldnt picutre her life with out me. It 's strange and I feel like I cant love again. Is it normal to think about your s/o all day long. It's driving me nuts.
Exit Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Beeotch made a great point which I have agreed with all along. No Contact is not written in stone, it is a powerful method for moving on and trying to heal, but if something in your soul does not feel right about it, you can decide to do whatever you want. I do not wish to instill false hope in you, but 3.5 months is just a number and does not mean anything. People get back together after months, years, decades. On the other hand, some people never, ever look back. Even as I mourn the loss of my most current ex, I have begun talking to and spending time with a former ex. We broke up years ago, since then she's spent 5 years in a relationship that led to an engagement, and that ended up falling apart as well. Now she is talking to me again. Not sure that we will ever be anything more than friends again, but the point is she came back. As a matter of fact, I think every girl that I've had a "real" relationship with has come back at some point. Sometimes just to be friends and have a conversation, sometimes there is a hint of lingering feelings. Regardless, it seems that nobody is ever gone for good. People need space and distance to move on and heal, but rarely are they gone forever. In your case, she may very well be moved on, or she may be respecting your request to leave you alone and let you heal. You have to decide how you feel. If she felt anything for you, would you want her to forget about your request for No Contact, and be making an attempt to get in touch? If so, she clearly hasn't done that.
Author bluesky123 Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 I guess my pride is in the way, if I were to contact her what do I say. There are things I'd do diffrent if I had the chance, my situation is odd we never fought and we both respected each other. I guess i'm still in shock the break up came right out of left field. One minute she coming to see me the next we are over 2.5 years down the drain. My gut is telling me something isnt right .
Beeotch Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Beeotch made a great point which I have agreed with all along. No Contact is not written in stone, it is a powerful method for moving on and trying to heal, but if something in your soul does not feel right about it, you can decide to do whatever you want. I do not wish to instill false hope in you, but 3.5 months is just a number and does not mean anything. People get back together after months, years, decades. On the other hand, some people never, ever look back. Even as I mourn the loss of my most current ex, I have begun talking to and spending time with a former ex. We broke up years ago, since then she's spent 5 years in a relationship that led to an engagement, and that ended up falling apart as well. Now she is talking to me again. Not sure that we will ever be anything more than friends again, but the point is she came back. As a matter of fact, I think every girl that I've had a "real" relationship with has come back at some point. Sometimes just to be friends and have a conversation, sometimes there is a hint of lingering feelings. Regardless, it seems that nobody is ever gone for good. People need space and distance to move on and heal, but rarely are they gone forever. In your case, she may very well be moved on, or she may be respecting your request to leave you alone and let you heal. You have to decide how you feel. If she felt anything for you, would you want her to forget about your request for No Contact, and be making an attempt to get in touch? If so, she clearly hasn't done that. Ditto to the bolded. I sometimes feel NC is also an avoidance tactic...I mean I don't feel it is...it is! You avoid the ex, avoid the pain, avoid knowing about their lives, avoid a confrontation, avoid finding out things that may upset you etc. Often many people are not really healing...just avoiding. Just out of sight, out of mind, temporary relief....you can tell because when they see the ex again or hear from them we get frantic threads. It is evident that one has not healed....just circumvented the issue. NC is great...don't get me wrong, and it takes a while before it becomes healing and not mere avoidance, but that is if you are honest with yourself and know what you're doing and why. I can speak to my ex every now and again because I AM ACTUALLY HEALING...actually becoming okay with everything. I am not just faking it to make it. Before, when I just did NC I thought I was "showing him", I felt great and free by not seeing or speaking to him but as soon as he texted/IM'ed etc I felt frantic like OMG OMG OMG what to do??? I was HONEST and realized, I was just avoiding the issue. When it was out of sight I felt fine but when it came time to confront him or speak to him, I was not strong enough. I was going through the motions of NC to teach him a lesson.... Now, it is not like that anymore. I don't feel this burden to take NC to my grave As the days go by I care less and less in a GENUINE way...which means if my ex talks to me fine, if not, fine. I am not leaning in one direction or other (extremely adamant about avoiding contact or longing for contact). Breaking NC is NOT the end of the world. Each situation has it's own peculiarities. If you break NC and it is a disaster...you just hop back onto the NC wagon or the moving on wagon. If it turns out well...you proceed from there. Everything is a lesson learned. Breaking NC is not a fatal mistake.
Author bluesky123 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 I'm allowing myself to expierence the pain. I just searched her name on FB and looks like she is with somebody. LS friends I feel like **** right now, I have nobody to talk too.
Exit Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Yup, I got burned by Facebook too, a while back I saw her hugging a new guy in his profile picture. That's probably why you haven't heard from her.... sorry. But there still is a chance that it's all because you asked to be left alone, you gave her the impression that you wanted to move on, and while that wasn't a bad move to make, now she's with someone else, who knows how serious the feelings are or are not. All you can do is what you think is best. You've maintained NC and now she is with someone else. Either keep moving on, or be the one to make contact. Say something like you thought it was the best move to request No Contact and try to heal, but that 3 months later you still think about her and are uncertain about it. I'm not trying to put ideas in your head. I just know most people around here will suggest strict NC, and I prefer to admit that there are alternatives. If you truly feel like you're losing the love of your life, do something. If you think you're better off moving on and getting over her, if it would mean more for her to be the one to make first contact, then just stay on the path you've been on.
Author bluesky123 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Thanks for listening Exit, I've never felt the passion for somebody like this, but I get a huge wave of emotions just form seeing the picture. I 'd get a heart attack if I called her. Like Cali guy says if she truly loved me she will contact me. I feel bruised, sad and worthless. I got lots going for myself yet I'm crippled by somebody who doesn't want to be with me. I find myself drinking at night to sleep, I'm spirling downwards. We had so much planned and its all gone.
NSW768 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 bluesky i am in a very similiar boat. only been 2 weeks for me, but 3 years gone. she actually got rid of her facebook account about a week beforehand which kinda made me freak out, like why would you do that. but since then ive de-friended my self from her sister, and her good friends, in an effort to not see any new pics or updates. im glad i did b/c a pic with a new boy would shatter me right now. you may want to go this root, deleting her, from social networking sites. your last paragraph rings very true for me
Exit Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Blah... I don't like to hear that you're drinking yourself to sleep. I know it's hard to turn off your mind, but that's the last thing you want to be doing. Start working out, hit the gym, that'll make you tired. Then you can get in shape and some day when she sees you again she'll think wow... why did I give up on him. Don't fall into the downward spiral. Fight as hard as you can to try to find happiness. Last night I was in bed and my mind was racing and I turned over the to face the window and the most refreshing breeze was coming in from outside and I decided to just lay there and be thankful for that. It sounds like you are fairly certain that the only meaningful thing would be if she contacted you, then stick with that. Give it some more time, see how you feel about things, see how your recovery goes. You'll either get over her, or possibly at some point decide that you're the one who wants to make contact. No matter what, take care of yourself. Love yourself more than you love her. Don't let the alcohol become a habit. Stand up and fight, take care of yourself, be healthy, make her regret losing you. That's the only thing that keeps me going, knowing that I am going to eat healthy and work out all winter, transform myself, and make something good happen out of this situation that I'm in. Misfortune can provide some of the most powerful motivation.
Author bluesky123 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 I have been going to the gym, eating better heck if she saw me she'd be like wow you are a little bigger now ! But I want to share all of stories with her. I want to contact her but I know I'll be hurt. I know her and she's made her decion. Shes a mature woman for her age and she wont call me, I pray everyday, the song "these days" by Rascall Flatts sums up my life. I never begged for her back so why start now. She left me and I respected her and left her alone. I'm a classy guy and she doesn't deserve it either.
Exit Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Well there's a difference between begging and just establishing a bit of contact. I wrote to my ex for a while just to tell her about all the changes I made in my life. Is she back now? No. But at least I know she read the letters and she knows these things about me, and perhaps I have a little better chance of seeing her again in the future instead of letting her walk away believing that I will never change.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 god you guys gotta stop being so weak and move on.... she is not coming back! live for you!
Exit Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Very useful input. Sorry that we don't all have the amazing strength that you do. We deal with it the best we can.
GorillaTheater Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Very useful input. Sorry that we don't all have the amazing strength that you do. We deal with it the best we can. Chrome's right. Get strong or get f*cked. Something of a generalization, but not much of one.
caramel c Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 The only looking back you should be doing is at your own *ss in the mirror.
Author bluesky123 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Easier said than done. My break up was a shock to me. Like ppl have said on the forum before, she checked out a while before she had the guts to do it. However one night she loves me and cant wait to see you tmr to a phone call the next day saying that she doesn't love me and is not coming to visit me anymore. I haven't heard her voice since, that's harsh and crushing. We talked everyday for 2.5 yrs to nothing at all. YES IM WEAK, IM LOST.
caramel c Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 bluesky nothing taken away from your suffering, I totally understand. We each have our own stories and I have my days too...pretty soon we will be over this, we will be just fine, we'll be better in fact.
westrock Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 OP -- Beeotch and Exit have given you some great advice above. Make sure you weren't using NC as a way of just avoiding the issues. I told her when she left me not to contact me so I could get over her. Maybe I shot myself in the foot. What has been your reason for waiting for her to break NC? Yes, she was the dumper, but even if she realises she made a mistake and missed you, you specifically told her not to contact you! If she respects you, she would not contact you, exactly as YOU asked. To me, that means YOU should have been the one to break NC if you wanted to possibly reconcile with her. Maybe she was like you thinking NC was the way to go after your request for NC and she was hoping that if you really loved her, YOU would contact her to say it was okay now to contact her again. It's possible that when she never heard from you she probably just assumed you were no longer interested and she probably gave up. This is the pitfall of NC if one uses it in hopes to reconcile. Limited contact (LC) is a better approach to reconcilation or healing to move on. It may or may not be too late for you in this situation, but it seems to me if there is any hope of reconcilation, NC won't get you there.
mimiminx Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I do have to agree with westrock... you going NC may tell the other person that you don't care and you moved on. If you do hope for a second chance or reconciliation, I totally agree that LC is the way to go.
Lish Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I'm allowing myself to expierence the pain. I just searched her name on FB and looks like she is with somebody. LS friends I feel like **** right now, I have nobody to talk too. And this is probably the most sad thing of all. I'm sympathetic about your heartbreak, really, but you really have nobody you can talk to? Regarding your ex. Some people often see getting back with someone as the quick fix. The break-up causes the heartbreak and what quicker way to solve it than to not be broken up? People often allow this 'quick fix' to cloud their better judgement. So what I'm asking here is, do you want her back because you believe there's something worth fighting for or are you just lonely without her & because like you said, you have nobody to talk to? Another thing, sometimes it really is just better to move on. You entered this world alone, not with anyone else, therefore you don't need her (or anyone) to make you happy. You can find love again and definitely happiness (in your own life & with someone else). You also really don't wanna be going down the drinking to get to sleep route. That's a downward spiral... it's been three and a half months and if you continue to rely on alcohol to get yourself relaxed to sleep for another three months, you could very well be heading down a dangerous route. It's also not gonna help.. the problems and issues will still be there in the morning. So I think you should move on. Searching for her on FB was a big mistake and look at what you found. Had you contacted her, you might have heard it from her in person or over the phone, and it probably would have hurt a whole lot more. You haven't really been clear about what happened between the two of you, but usually there are faults on both sides. If you're at peace with whatever part (if any) you played in the breakdown, you can start moving on. Keep yourself busy to take your mind off it.. CONSTANTLY thinking about everything all the time can really mess you up. How old are you, by the way? Not that it matters, but no matter how old you are, life is for living...there's obviously ups and downs but you can't let something ruin your life. It appears she has moved on and I think it's time you did too. All the best.
adamt Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I am about 3.5 months down the line and been in NC ever since. Neither of us said we would do it, we just did it. She knows how i feel so there is nothing else for me to say to her. it has been a long hard summer trying to get over her. But what i did was focus on myself, get back my social life, be busy all the time and take up lots of hobbies. First 2 months i could not sleep, first month i hardly ate. But now i feel i am finaly getting over her. Yes i would have her back and miss her but it would be like starting from scratch. I have learnt what i did wrong in the relationship and what she did wrong. If i break NC i dont want to risk a set back and what good would it do? Basically you need to focus on yourself so you can not think about your ex and you are doing things in life for yourself. It is not easy but you have to push yourself. It wil get better. But you have to push yourself outside your comfort zone
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