aboynamedmike Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 It's been a while since I"ve been here, and my time spent away has been good. My ex and I are civil towards each other and have spent some time talking about what exactly went wrong. It's been pretty rewarding actually. I see where my main problem is now: I can't stand talking while I'm upset. My first instinct when it comes to fighting or getting upset is to just walk away and cool down. Example: I went to my ex's house party last night. A guy who she told me she was starting to like was there and I felt really uncomfortable. She told me that we're just friends and that she waited 3 months for me to come back, and when I told her that I'm falling for her again, she didn't react the way she thought she would. After hearing that my heart was beating so fast, I was breathing fast, and I felt like I wanted to scream, so I said, "I can't be here right now" and just got up and left. She's the type of person who, when upset, needs to talk it over right then and there. I like the 24 hr rule. When your upset, you give yourself time to calm down, and then confront the issue. Anyways, How does one become better at dealing with issues instead of walking away from them? I do have trouble speaking what I'm feeling and I want to get better at that, not just for my ex, but for any girl that may come along. Thanks for reading!
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Everybody has different communication styles. As long as you actually DO end up discussing the issue after your "24 hours," I don't see why that point can't be compromised on. The issue I had with my X was that he'd say he wanted to think about things and then would never talk to me about it again unless I brought it up and he pretty much had zero new insight into it - which told me he had AVOIDED the problem, not worked on solving it in his mind. That made me more upset. But is it possible for you to explain to a partner that you have a hard time communicating clearly when you're upset? But then also allowing THEM to vent to you? That would fulfill their need to "get it out there," but they'd have to allow you similar courtesy by not expecting you to put it all out on the table if you're not ready. Guys tend to be like that, anyway - retreat to the cave to figure things out. I'm not seeing anything "out there" as far as that issue is concerned. You just gotta work on a compromise. Neither person should have to feel they're being pushed into communicating ONLY one way - especially if it makes them uncomfortable.
playlislay Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Arggggh! I just wrote a long, and hopefully helpful, post and my internet connection went! Here goes...... Dont worry Mr, you are not the only one! I am exactly the same. I find it almost impossible to communicate when I am upset. I have all of the thoughts swirling around in my head, I want to say something (as my partner patiently sits there, waiting for a response), but my body just wont let me. Some people suffer from verbal diarrhea, I suffer from verbal constipation! It is so weird. If I am angry, the words will come out within 5 minutes. If I am upset, my body will show all of the signs that I am upset, but my vocal cords seem to shut down. I dont know why this happens, as I know how important it is to communicate with people, regardless of the reason why. I think the brain becomes stubborn, or thinks that something will happen if you do say something???? I like the 24 hour rule, but sometimes partners (or whoever) want to know what the problem is there and then. It must be very frustrating, for someone who cares about you, to just sit there wanting to know what is wrong with you (so they can fix the problem and understand you) and not get anything out of you! Lack of communication when I was upset was the main cause for the breakdown of a relationship with someone who I truly loved. So, I decided that I didnt want to lose someone that special with the same problem, so I thought I would mend my ways. Learn from my mistakes if you will. I vowed that with my new partner, I would aim to converse when ever I was upset, despite how much I didnt want to. It worked, I hated it but it worked! I forced myself to speak openly about my problems. I found it verrrry difficult. Words were said through gritted teeth and I sounded very child-like. But it became easier as the conversation went along. It was a real break-through for me. I advise that you dont choose to converse via text or email. It is very easy to express ALL of your feelings that way, but you may end up saying something that you will regret. As my friend said "If you had to say it to their face, you probably wouldnt have said it at all"..........If I had know this lil bit of information, I wouldn't have funked up on my last relationship. Anyhow, just remember that there is nothing wrong with talking about your problems. You are not, I repeat, you are NOT going to die if you speak to this person about why you are upset. I think I have waffled enough. Hope that helped!
Recommended Posts