Dating a black guy...

[Island Girl]

If your self conscious maybe you'd notice it but where im from it does happen. Trust me you cannot be so blissfully unaware that you can not ignore it.

 

I'm glad you guys can go on in your lives that your at peace with the outside world but ya'll gonna be getting the looks and subtle racisms just you wait! lol.

 

Well I guess if 20 years of experience hasn't yielded anything yet -- like you say I'll have to just keep waiting!

 

And 8+ of those have been with my husband who is quite obviously a different race than I am -- still nothing.

 

But yeah -- I'll keep waiting.

 

Although to be honest if "looks or subtle racisms" happened they'd feel so foolish because I have no problem calling someone out on their ignorance.

And nowadays being called out for being racist is embarrassing because it is so frowned upon by most.

 

I'll tell you a little story from my world -- one night I am at a bar with my brother. The bar just happened to be an Irish pub and was filled with Caucasian men of various ages mostly from labor industries. There were just three or four women - and nobody of another race which is kind of par for the course in that area of town.

Everybody is loud and having a great time sharing stories and laughing.

 

One young guy, about 25 or 26, was relating an anecdote and he used the "N" word.

EVERYONE got quiet, uncomfortably quiet, and really quickly one of the older men (he actually looks like a 60 year old burly mountain man) says firmly and quietly, "we won't tolerate that language in here - if that is the way you feel maybe it's best if you be on your way now".

 

The guy tripped over himself trying to apologize and he was visibly embarrassed.

 

I betcha he doesn't spout off in a room full of strangers presuming that because they are the same skin color it will be accepted or just passed over and ignored.

 

That is the world I am familiar with my whole life.

That is the world I have dated and had relationships in for the last 20 years.

 

It is presumptuous to assume that what you have seen or experienced would have to automatically have to happen elsewhere. I'm not sure where you are from but I would guess the places I have lived have some vast differences.

Ever thought of moving?

[Island Girl]

Thanks, Island Girl, your statistics are now perfectly clear to me.

 

I welcome this trend to increased mixing of races in the USA. I think racism is totally ridiculous.

 

If my next remark offends anyone, I am sorry, but I think to differentiate between people based on skin pigmentation is something only the most ignorant and uneducated people do. The fact that such prejudices still exist makes me really angry. Not so much angry towards the people with the prejudices but towards the educational systems that allow the prejudices to persist.

 

 

I'm with you. It makes me really mad to hear that people deal with racist experiences be it comments, actions, etc.

 

Unlike you though I am not only angry at the system but with the people as well.

 

At some point you are an adult and can form your own opinions about things and no one gets a pass with me because "it is just how they were raised". :mad:

[Art_Critic]

Ahhh, just re-reading that post made me so angry. It's not so much the judgement but WHO it came from that has bothered me the most. I know some people have a problem with interracial dating but this woman is supposed to be like a second mother to me!

 

 

Does she know something about the guy that you don't.. such as drama level, maybe his past dating history, etc etc.. ?

 

Maybe she wasn't hinting about race but about the guy himself or your dating history and the type of guys you fall for....

 

You said that she mentioned that you keep trying to make your life complicated.. is there more to this than race ? or have been other guys that are fitting a pattern that she is seeing.

 

Just asking for more info before giving my opinion.

 

also.. has she made racist comments to you before ?

[dunstable]

At some point you are an adult and can form your own opinions about things and no one gets a pass with me because "it is just how they were raised". :mad:

I'm probably too easy going. I agree individual people, as well as the educational system, should take responsibility.

[Island Girl]

Well sometimes their gonna be cultural and racial differences that are apparent when the man and the woman get together, verbage and upbringings. I mean there are gonna be differences.

 

And you assume erroneously that those difference mean problems.

 

My husband and I were raised in two different countries. His culture is quite different from mine. That is if you'd say I even have a culture because my family origins stem back to the Mayflower so there has been quite a few generations and meshing of European descent.

 

The differences in our upbringing and culture are definitely things that have made us able to bond more closely.

Other differences enhance our relationship in every way.

 

Just because something is different doesn't mean it's wrong or it causes problems, or issues, etc.

 

We have arguments but it is always just him being a guy and me being a girl stuff. Nothing ever to do with culture or race in any way.

 

 

The outside problems Ive seen are alot of black women be hating on it. Especially if we're in public. I notice the stares and the whispers and the calls oyut sellout and white girl fuc***. lol. It happened before which was sad, but alas it did happen. Funny alot of white dudes wouldnt care unless she was pretty. lmao.

 

But that's my perception i could be wrong.

 

You have individual experiences - I am not discounting them in any way - but I seriously ask you how the two as a couple had problems because of this.

 

If the same thing happened to me I would see it as THEIR problem not mine and I wouldn't make it mine or allow that kind of blatant ignorance to effect me, my night out with my man, or our relationship.

 

My roommate in college was Black and I not only became extremely close with her but two of her friends.

Three of them and me, a green eyed blond hair having White girl.

A couple of the guys I dated were Black guys (good looking, successful, ball players) and I never - NEVER - had that kind of an attitude from them or anyone else no matter where we went.

 

So, see? It must have to do with where you live. It just may be seen there.

[shadowplay]

I've dated guys of other races, but never a black guy. Not because I'm not attracted to black men -- I am -- but I always felt like there was this uncomfortable distance between us based on misunderstandings.

 

There was this one shy black guy I liked, and it was obvious he liked me too, but he seemed intimidated by me, as if he assumed it was inappropriate to show interest in a white girl.

 

Another issue is cultural background, regardless of race. Although I don't want to date my male twin, if the gap is too great, the relationship may not work. But this hasn't been true with most of the black guys I've known. Often they have a similar education/background to mine. I just wish there wasn't this perception that they're selling out or rejecting their race by dating a white girl, or the fear that white women will be offended by their advances.

 

People should just be able to lead their lives the way they want without pandering to their families and cultural norms.

[9Lives]

Of course wug, I know what you mean.

 

and 9lives black men dont treat white women better men treat women like that because they have love in their eyes, race isnt always a factor. She could be Hispanic or asian to me. I'd still treat her good.

 

But I get what your implying.

 

It seems like they do. They buy houses for them, and have the baby with them and just be acting like real men. She dont even have to be cute or have a butt. She is white.

 

Dont get me wrong!!! i dont have anything against white girls whatsoever but I do often wonder why black men seem to treat them better than women of the same color of their own MAMA

[SoulSearch_CO]

Yes, unfortunately, the bias still exists for some although I don't get it at all. The area I grew up and even the area I live now are both very predominately white and hispanic, so I honestly don't have a whole lot of exposure. My mother just hit her 60's and she doesn't have a problem with interracial dating. So I'm going to say it's probably more of a regional thing in the country. Even with the predominant races in this area, I know for a fact I could walk down the street hand-in-hand with a man of AA decent and people wouldn't bat an eye. But that's what comes in living in an area that is also pretty liberal.

 

Personally - I find men of all different races attractive. And I wouldn't give a rat's behind what other people thought if I wanted to get involved with a man that other people didn't think I "should." Especially on something so insignificant (IMO) as race. It sounds like saying I shouldn't date somebody because their eyes are blue. (YES, I understand that sometimes there can be cultural differences, etc, etc, etc...I'm not arguing that point. I'm just saying that you can't LOOK at somebody and decide if they're relationship-worthy based on their skin color.)

[Sam Spade]

I just dont understand why black guys treat white women better than black women. It seems like they treat them like queens.

 

 

...and disrespect their mommas in the process, who raised them all on their own .

While there are plenty of highly succesful and well-adjusted black dudes, I betcha many still pursue white chicks as a status symbol . No matter what we say, america is still shockingly segregated.

[Chrome Barracuda]

It seems like they do. They buy houses for them, and have the baby with them and just be acting like real men. She dont even have to be cute or have a butt. She is white.

 

Dont get me wrong!!! i dont have anything against white girls whatsoever but I do often wonder why black men seem to treat them better than women of the same color of their own MAMA

 

LOL buying houses for them???

 

Well they must got some gwap for them to be putting it down like that.

 

I get what your saying 9 lives. I've heard this before. Sometimes when a man that has only had steak all his life finally gets to taste some hamburger he's gonna go all out. Sometimes that's just the way it is. And vice versa.

 

Like i said when any man has love in his eyes he'll do anything for that woman. I would buy a girl a car if I was in love with her, deeply.

 

Some guys are like that. I could say the same thing about white guys and asian women??!? lol.

 

Oh and IG I am feeling you I know what your saying. but it does happen and it is discouraging to see it happen. And to know it will happen but same as you I try to not let it bother me, because at the end of the day, a man's a man and a woman is a woman.

[batinhell66]

Sorry to jump in.

 

Just wanted to shoot something out there. Personally I've encountered some racism(?) in my relationships, but where I live the subject of ethnic groups almost always enters initial conversations about a significant other. For example, most parents will ask a son/daughter about a new partner's ethnicity, rather than just race. I just heard "what is she?" and my boyfriend (who is racially mixed) had to elaborate to his very Asian mother.

 

We've also discussed in my Ethnic Identity class, and the teacher suggested something quite different. He said that he has met White/Caucasian/of European descent Americans that do not see themselves as being "white". He told us that a lot of "white" people identify themselves as individuals with different personalities, as opposed to being part of a specific race.

 

In my experience, most people I know with "minority" status identify with racism just because we've had a bunch of experience with it! My friend put it this way, half-jokingly: "Ethnicity doesn't affect us because we usually don't interact with you people on a daily basis. You'd be hard pressed to find a white family in (anonymous area) and a Micronesian family in (anonymous area). It only bothers us when you marry our daughters or work for less than we do."

 

I do honestly think people of "minority" status acknowledge and encounter it more on a daily basis. I've actually had men tell my ex-boyfriend off for dating me and even accusing him of having a "fetish", while his very liberal mother used the term "you people" when asking me a question regarding stereotypical habits of a certain ethnic group.

I've also heard "Damn, I thought you had an accent" which was pretty funny.

I chalk part of it up to where I live, but I've been a lot of places, been asked a million things while chatting up strangers. I agree with Chrome Barracuda. Definitely still exists.

[ruthe1]

I've done it once before and don't see what the big deal is. However a very good friend (one who's older and whose opinion I respect a great deal) asked me why I keep trying to "complicate my life." My reaction was, "I'm not, I'm just trying to find the guy that 'fits' and I'm not gonna discriminate in the process." But her comment has bothered me for days since. Doesn't she realize how racist that sounded? Doesn't she realize that was posing a judgement upon my ability to judge wisely? I'm just so furious. Additionally, she is 59 years old, I am 24 (both white) and believe there are MILES and MILES between our generations views on interracial dating. Is it naive of me to think most young adults my age couldn't give a rat's arse about it?

 

I can see your confusion. It sounds like you expected different advice from this motherly figure.

 

When a white male discourages you dating a black guy, he may have many reasons (all wrong). Whether it be he is racist, insecure about the whole "once you go black...," insecure about the whole stereotype of what the black guy is packing in his a pants, etc....

 

However, when it is a white female, it kind of narrows it down to racism.

[Island Girl]

Anyone who discourages romance based upon skin color is racist. It doesn't matter what "motives" they have -- it is racist.

 

A person should be judged on their own merit not the things they have no control over such as skin color.

 

I hope one day we get there.

[oasis]

OMG, where did you come up with this? Show me on study that illustrates mullatoes have a higher IQ, or are somehow "better". That in itself is racist.

 

Ask yourself why so many black men who can, marry out of their race? They feel they are "moving up." Which means you would be "moving down"

 

Also notice the only counter people have is "That lady is racist".

 

 

calizagg, I believe that most black guys who marry out of their race, fell in love and did not "marry up", as you put it.

 

I live in the black community and black guys just love them some black women and they marry them to boot. So, you need to keep your racist beliefs to yourself as they are not indicative of black men on a whole.

[Island Girl]

What will happen once you have a baby and the man takes off? (Statistically this is a very real possibility) Do you think you can then switch to dating white guys? Good luck.

 

White men abandon their babies as well.

 

I have dated a few races. I am white. Anyone dating me has known my feelings about race -- and that it does not factor into why or why I won't date someone. I have dated African American guys, Hispanic guys, and dated Caucasians all interspersed throughout. And I have NEVER had an issue calizagg. In fact I have had the fortune of dating anyone I have ever wanted to date.

 

Any Caucasian guy that has a problem with my history is not someone I would want anyway. I'm sure his racist attitudes would come out in other ways. He'd be pretty easy to spot. So really I couldn't care less.

[oasis]

White men abandon their babies as well.

 

Can I get an Amen?

 

Totally agree with this.

[In_Repair]

What's amazing to me is the fact that 90% of the people who are always crying about racism don't even know the damn definition of the word. Look at Obama and his weak ass little socialist self... you can't even criticize his policies without a bunch of kiss-ass liberals calling you a racist. He's not a moron because he's black, he's just a moron. The race card is always used to deflect any criticism towards any group other than whites. What's also funny is that most white people who are so willing to lick the boots of any minority are usually the people who never associate with minorities unless they have to. Two of my three best friends are black, and we always have a laugh when this stupid ass subject is brought up for discussion. Every racial group has a certain amount of bigotry towards other races. I'd be willing to bet that the average black guy is more "racist" than the average white guy. Considering that blacks only make up about 12-14% of the population, it was mostly white votes that put a black man in the white house for pete's sake. Yeah, we are all just a bunch of trashy racists.... riiiiiiight.

 

Sure, the OP's friend might be a bigot, but I see no indication of racism in her comments towards you. The main basis for people being bigoted has nothing to do with the color of someones skin, it's much more of a cultural thing. My black buddies all agree with this point too. I know three black women who refuse to ever date another black guy. Are they racist? No, they were just brought up to be accepting of all races and they have had bad luck with the treatment they have gotten from men of their own race. In order to date white men and not be shunned in their own community, they have to keep it a secret from their families and friends. Sounds just like the scenario that occurs when a white girl dates a black guy, doesn't it?

[Island Girl]

OMG, where did you come up with this? Show me on study that illustrates mullatoes have a higher IQ, or are somehow "better". That in itself is racist.

 

There you go putting words in someone's mouth. Dunstable did not say resulting mixed offspring would have higher IQs but would strengthen the gene pool.

 

Do you not acknowledge there would be less incidences of skin cancer (a major concern for most Caucasians), among other things?

 

You want to stay stuck in your very racist ideas then go ahead. You are becoming a minority. Your ideas of defining and discerning based on skin color are dying a slow death. I am all too overjoyed to contribute to that end.

 

Ask yourself why so many black men who can, marry out of their race? They feel they are "moving up." Which means you would be "moving down"

 

Not true. Apparently you are one of those who walks around only noticing the African American guy with the Caucasian girl. (A bit jealous aren't you? Interestingly enough you say you aren't intimidated by African American men. Thou dost protest too much. )

 

According to the US Census 3% of Caucasian marry outside of their race while 5.8% of African Americans do.

 

BUT:

 

70% of American Indian, Eskimo, and Aleut marry outside their race.

28.7 of Asian and Pacific Islander marry outside their race.

23.2 of "other races" marry outside of their race.

 

 

So with your racism cloaked view you OF COURSE focus on one minority only instead of the vast numbers of other races intermarrying.

 

 

Also notice the only counter people have is "That lady is racist".

 

 

The OP gave a specific instance where a lady friend is being racist. What other comment can we make?

[Island Girl]

In order to date white men and not be shunned in their own community, they have to keep it a secret from their families and friends. Sounds just like the scenario that occurs when a white girl dates a black guy, doesn't it?

 

Yep. And it is racism.

 

I'm surprised they hide away as if their actions are something that is indefensible. That only contributes to the problem similar to those who are gay not coming out of the closet. That is just sad.

 

As far as certain people pulling the race card when it comes to criticizing the President or any other official, being critical of decisions and policies is not racist. There have been several incidents of late where there has been blatant racism where the President is involved but those a just the few ignorant jackasses out there. And we all know there are some.

Thankfully they are not the majority. And most people have no problem critiquing issue stances instead of some hogwash such as skin color.

[In_Repair]

Yep. And it is racism.

 

I'm surprised they hide away as if their actions are something that is indefensible. That only contributes to the problem similar to those who are gay not coming out of the closet. That is just sad.

 

As far as certain people pulling the race card when it comes to criticizing the President or any other official, being critical of decisions and policies is not racist. There have been several incidents of late where there has been blatant racism where the President is involved but those a just the few ignorant jackasses out there. And we all know there are some.

Thankfully they are not the majority. And most people have no problem critiquing issue stances instead of some hogwash such as skin color.

 

You mean like Obama's BLACK czar who just had to step down over his "racist" comments where he stated that white people are responsible for things like pollution and the bad economy? Yep, you are correct, there is PLENTY of blatant racism surrounding the president.

 

The women don't hide their interracial relationships because of their own racism, they do it because of the racism they are subjected to by their own racial group. It's not THEM who need to change...

[Island Girl]

You mean like Obama's BLACK czar who just had to step down over his "racist" comments where he stated that white people are responsible for things like pollution and the bad economy? Yep, you are correct, there is PLENTY of blatant racism surrounding the president.

 

Yep -- and it is wrong on all counts and should be called out whenever and wherever it happens.

 

Zero tolerance for that crap.

[Island Girl]

The women don't hide their interracial relationships because of their own racism, they do it because of the racism they are subjected to by their own racial group. It's not THEM who need to change...

 

While they continue to hide away, as if what they are doing is something to be ashamed of, it allows others to believe (erroneously) that their position of intolerance is correct, that it is shameful (translate bad), since they remain unchallenged.

 

What challenges and changes these racist views are the people who stand up proudly and say:

"My decision, my life, like it or not. I am not ashamed nor will I be of making my own choice for my own happiness in MY life. Accept it or don't - that is YOUR problem."

 

[silic0ntoad]

Well, I personally don't understand racial lines. I mean, if someone is attractive, and awesome, and responsible... Well, it doesn't really matter. I'm a white male, btw.

 

But I think dating interracially for the "tabboo" of it is wrong. Blaxploitation has been around for far too long, and it's ridiculous. I know some people who strictly date whites, or blacks, etc. I think they are ridiculous.

 

Ahem, and as a side note, I've read alot when I was in anatomy about the male reproductive organ. It's all bullsh*t. Black males generally have penises that are larger SOFT than white males, but both are the same when it comes to length and girth in an erect state. So, that social stigma is all bullsh*t.

[Island Girl]

Well, I personally don't understand racial lines. I mean, if someone is attractive, and awesome, and responsible... Well, it doesn't really matter. I'm a white male, btw.

 

But I think dating interracially for the "tabboo" of it is wrong. Blaxploitation has been around for far too long, and it's ridiculous. I know some people who strictly date whites, or blacks, etc. I think they are ridiculous.

 

Ahem, and as a side note, I've read alot when I was in anatomy about the male reproductive organ. It's all bullsh*t. Black males generally have penises that are larger SOFT than white males, but both are the same when it comes to length and girth in an erect state. So, that social stigma is all bullsh*t.

 

I concur.

 

There is a difference from excluding your own race or only dating a particular race because of taboo verses dating others because of a pattern of poor treatment, etc. though.

 

That said I have never distinguished race as a reason to date or not to date someone. It is absurd to me.

[Chicago_Guy]

White men abandon their babies as well.

 

I have dated a few races. I am white. Anyone dating me has known my feelings about race -- and that it does not factor into why or why I won't date someone. I have dated African American guys, Hispanic guys, and dated Caucasians all interspersed throughout. And I have NEVER had an issue calizagg. In fact I have had the fortune of dating anyone I have ever wanted to date.

 

Any Caucasian guy that has a problem with my history is not someone I would want anyway. I'm sure his racist attitudes would come out in other ways. He'd be pretty easy to spot. So really I couldn't care less.

 

Some white men do abandon their babies. There are still a lot of men who would get involved with such women. However, the vast majority of white men would not seriously get involved with a white woman who had black children.