MizzBlue72 Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I haven't posted on here for quite awhile - and today I really need some support / advice. SHORT recap: I started having an A when we were BOTH married - we were trying to have a NSA affair (I KNOW how laughable this sounds now - it took a year to get here, but we both understand that this can not be accomplished). I divorced my ex (NOT because of the A - MANY problems with my marriage). I did try counseling, etc. I fell in love with MM early into the A. At that time he did not feel the same. That is how I found this website - I was hurting and didn't know what to do. I tried many times to end it - really tried talking myself into it, and I couldn't. All MM asked from me was honesty - and I didn't give that to him. I hid a part of me that I did not feel comfortable sharing with him. I also tried being with other men - and I constantly compared (and still do compare) all other men to MM. And this really hurts - MM is still with wife. He has told me that he loves me -- really loves me and starting tomorrow he is going NC to work through everything. This could mean that he asks for a divorce, sells the house, etc. or he gives up the A and mends fences with the wife. MY DILEMMA: I told MM that after many emails, talks that I love him - all of him, and I would be all in. He says I am stradling the fence and wavering on staying and going, and I am. I am SCARED - and I DO love him -- SO much, but then my conscience kicks in and tells me that if I TRULY loved him, I would go NC and tell him to go back to his wife and work it out. When he goes NC tomorrow I am really going to lose it ... I know I will, but if he is truly NOT going to get back together with his wife, we both agreed HE needs to do this on his own with NO interference from me. I have NO clue .....
jennie-jennie Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Loving a partner is not altruistic love. If you truly love him you want him to want you and be in a relationship with you. This is natural. My MM and I have also discussed the need for him to go NC with me and see if he can make his marriage work. Still we don't know how to do this, since we are in contact every day and really have problems if we have to be apart for even three days. I understand how hard it must be for you. What is it with these men that they can't make up their minds?
fooled once Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I haven't posted on here for quite awhile - and today I really need some support / advice. SHORT recap: I started having an A when we were BOTH married - we were trying to have a NSA affair (I KNOW how laughable this sounds now - it took a year to get here, but we both understand that this can not be accomplished). I divorced my ex (NOT because of the A - MANY problems with my marriage). I did try counseling, etc. I fell in love with MM early into the A. At that time he did not feel the same. That is how I found this website - I was hurting and didn't know what to do. I tried many times to end it - really tried talking myself into it, and I couldn't. All MM asked from me was honesty - and I didn't give that to him. I hid a part of me that I did not feel comfortable sharing with him. I also tried being with other men - and I constantly compared (and still do compare) all other men to MM. And this really hurts - MM is still with wife. He has told me that he loves me -- really loves me and starting tomorrow he is going NC to work through everything. This could mean that he asks for a divorce, sells the house, etc. or he gives up the A and mends fences with the wife. MY DILEMMA: I told MM that after many emails, talks that I love him - all of him, and I would be all in. He says I am stradling the fence and wavering on staying and going, and I am. I am SCARED - and I DO love him -- SO much, but then my conscience kicks in and tells me that if I TRULY loved him, I would go NC and tell him to go back to his wife and work it out. When he goes NC tomorrow I am really going to lose it ... I know I will, but if he is truly NOT going to get back together with his wife, we both agreed HE needs to do this on his own with NO interference from me. I have NO clue ..... Sounds like he reallyl does love his wife and wants to make it work with her. And if for some reason it doesn't, the last thing he should do is run to you. He needs time to get his head on straight. He needs time to grieve his marriage without you there. I am sorry you are hurting. Find things to do to occupy your time. Do you have kids? What interests do you have? Maybe volunteering at a local shelter or old folks home? Something where you are giving the love you have for him to others who need some compassion; some hope; some friendliness from someone; give to someone who is lonely too. Keep busy - no matter what -- keep busy. The less idle time you have, the less time you have to think of him.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 How can you in the end honestly trust him when he lies to her and lies to you. is your self esteem that bad that you was willing to throw away your marriage foe a man who lies? is your own ego and emotions out of control you cant see what's happening from an outside perspective?
Devil Inside Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Hi Mizzblue...I feel your pain. I find it interesting that he is telling you that you are the one wavering and straddling the fence...hmmm....sounds like he is projecting his ambivalence onto you. I know, first hand, how maddening it can be to be in these A triangles. I have truly come to believe that it is really difficult to make a sound decision while still inside of one...and that is what you deserve, for him to make the decision to leave, not because he is afraid of losing you, but because it is what he wants. It is really hard for you to let him go...I get that. However, I think that if you want a chance at really being together as a couple then you need to give him the space to make this decision without you. Trust me, if he knows you are gone until he can give you everything then he will figure out what he wants. When I started my A my xOW was also married. She left her H a couple months into our A. They had a very abusive M and it was on it was on it's last legs when we started. I think that once she was out of her M she really started to wonder if I would ever leave mine. She let me go...to figure out what I wanted...and because she could no longer bear the pain of sharing me. It will be hard to let him go...but if you do and he returns divorced, then he is committed to you. This will also give you time to heal...and maybe you will surprise yourself and be in a place where you don't want him back. Good luck.
Author MizzBlue72 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Thanks for the replies. Yes, it is hard. I WANT him to be happy. As much as this hurts, I honestly just want that for him. I would love to see his marriage work out, and yes - you are right. I do not and would not ever plan on being in the picture while he works on his marriage. I respect him, and the decisions that he is making. It REALLY hurts me - and I know it kills him too. Is my self esteem that low that I would stay around, etc. with him? No. It's not low - I actually believe that it is quite healthy. I happen to be a real person who may not have the best point of view on this situation since I am in the middle of it. In regards to his marriage - I never have nor do I believe I have the right to tell him anything that should / could be done. He and his wife need to do this - while I am not there - period. I KNOW THIS - and that has been the plan all along. As of tomorrow, we will be NC anyway. I am thinking that is the end of the A all together and that he chooses to move on. Logically - I understand ALL of the reasons for this. I could never hate another person for reconciling their marriage or life, or deciding that they made a mistake and now they have to face it and fix it themselves. All of this makes sense - and I understand that it is logical, and why everything that happened is wrong, etc. I KNOW ALL of that. Just because you can rationalize something doesn't mean the heart hurts any less. Is my EGO out of control that I don't see this from an outside perspective?? Hindsight is 20/20. I never have claimed that I am perfect or a martyr in any post in these forums in any way shape or form. I know what I would tell a best friend to do -- it's a little harder to do it yourself when you are smack in the middle of it. It's easier to tell a friend / stranger on a post forum such as this since the posters do not have any vested feelings in the A and that is why I DON'T comment on all the stories that I read in this topic. An outside perspective IS important though when it comes from a person who has ACTUALLY walked in the shoes of the poster. Reading posts and getting advice from people that have NOT been the OW/OM does not help me - as much as BS want to share how they feel - all it does is lay another layer of guilt on top of an already messed up situation. Is my self esteem so bad that I was willing to throw away a marriage for him??? NO and NO. I didn't end my marriage for this man. Of anything that I can actually say about myself and that I KNOW is true - I think that walking away from ANY committed relationship / marriage due to another person is wrong. If you leave - you leave FOR YOURSELF. That is why I left. My ex had major substance abuse problems (not that this justifies ANYTHING that I did). I also try to live by the catch phrase from 'HOUSE' : 'EVERYBODY LIES'. We all like to think that we would never lie to another person, spouse, etc. especially in regards to an A. Call a spade a spade. Lying is bad - and we all lie. YOUR degree of what lies I and the MM have told could be SO bad that out immortal souls will burn in hell unless we both admit what we did and repent. Others, on the other hand, may lie to the IRS regarding their income, which creates an audit, which in turn leads into a downward spiral of the head of the house going to prison for tax evasion. They may have kept all this secret from their spouse which in turn is ALSO a huge betrayal. Or, a spouse hides that they have an addiction to something (gambling, drugs, alcohol). Once the secret is out - this is ALSO a HUGE betrayal and trust breaker. The reason I point this out is to NOT show that cheating is less of a lie. I am simply stating that betrayal to one's spouse happens in MANY forms -- some smaller scale, some huge. It always shakes the foundation of trust in any relationship. So - not to sound rude or arrogant - I just want to pose this question to others. How does ANYONE lie to a partner and make it better? How does anyone move beyond either being lied to or lying and start again?? Call it a leap of faith, have a road map where everything is transparent and both parties work on this -- I don't know. But there MUST come a time in your life where you DO decide to trust in another person -- even if that person has lied in the past. I have lied -- and eventually I will demonstrate to my partner that I am trustworthy. I've heard the cliche too, "Once a cheat always a cheat". Maybe - maybe not. Again - how did ANY of us know that when we got married, met the 'love of our lives' that things would not work out??? Some of us met an married people WITH these 'red flags' (hell - I know I did). Just because that did not work out does that mean that I am never to trust another man again?? My ex lied at EVERY turn about the STUPIDEST ****. No - I believe in second chances. Sorry if this rubs you the wrong way, but I haven't met a perfect person yet. And to be really frank - I don't think I want to.
Devil Inside Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 MizzBlue...you sound hurt and on the defense here. I agree that people that come from the angle of just telling you how morally wrong you are is not helpful. If I offended you...I can tell you it was not my intention. I am both a Ws and a BS...so I come from both perspectives. I would however, tell you to not just disregard what many BSs would have to say...it may be painful to read some of their comments...but there is a lot of truth in many of their words and experiences. Even though it seems that you have an understanding of the situation it is often helpful to have this reinforced. I do not think you are a monster. I cheated on my W as well, and she cheated on me. I do believe in second chances. I also, however, believe that we must be accountable for our actions. I am not owed a second chance, neither is my W. I am lucky and so is she that we are willing ot work on getting past the infidelity that has rocked our M...but there is no expectation. When I cheated I screwed up royally...and losing my M would be a just consequence for my actions. In your situation...I think you know what to do. I'm sorry that more people could not give you the emotional support it seems you were looking for. You're right...it doesn't make any of this hurt any less. When I was the MM ending the A was so very painful. The fact that it was wrong did not make it hurt any less. Yes you are a human, you've made a mistake, and now you are moving on...we all makle mistakes. Good luck. I hope you find the serenity you seek.
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