ReturnToSender Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 But how! I dont know. In my "bfs" mind, hes doing what he can to show me that he wants to be in the relationship, that he does love and want me. But hes not! He swears that he is so busy with work, to please be patient, to let him get some things done. But now, more than ever is when he needs to show me that he truly is sorry about what happened, to make me feel secure in the relationship and also to show that I really do matter. Just saying "I love you, I want this to work" and doing nothing to back it up then acting like everything is back to normal really isnt working for me. Im the one who has written countless letters expressing everything I feel, Im the one who picks up the phone to call him to hear his voice. With the things im doing, youd think Im the one who betrayed him! I want to be able to say..if I am what you want, this is what I want you to do...this would be a good start....but I dont even know what it would take for him to show me...its like a, Ill know it when I see it thing. I dont want him to buy me stuff...forget flowers and jewelry or whatever. I dont want a momento of what happened to always remind me. I do want to know Im on his mind, that he does take this relationship seriously, that he doesnt want to lose me...more than just saying so and then pretending nothing happened. I dont think hes doing this on purpose..I do think hes at a loss and a bit daft. I do want to lay something out, very clear and to the point...something that he knows he has to put effort into to really show me...the words arent getting him too far. If anyone has any advice, please share!
seoa Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Im the one who has written countless letters expressing everything I feel, Im the one who picks up the phone to call him to hear his voice. With the things im doing, youd think Im the one who betrayed him! What you want is for him to fill in the vaccuum between the 2 of you, but you're so busy filling it yourself that he can't see what needs to be done... In the nicest possible way (as in: don't do it with angry undertones), find other stuff to do /other stuff to think about... I'm not saying play games, but just take the focus away from him for a while, let him miss you, and let him chase you... It's really the only way to find out if he wants to chase you or not... I'm not sure what betrayal you're talking about, but if it was with another woman, then by loving & understanding him at this point, you aren't letting him feel the appropriate emotions... He should be understanding that your forgiveness is a precious thing, not to be taken for granted, and not to be assumed (as in: he should *never* dare to do this again, if he wants to keep you). Is there something you've always wanted to do, but never found the time - a dance class, maybe art, maybe volunteering somewhere... Is there someone who could do with some babysitting right now, maybe 2 or 3 times a week...?
boogieboy Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Yeah he cant chase you when youre chasing him.
Author ReturnToSender Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 Thanks Soea, yeah, since the weekend Ive realized I need to stop, lay off, and get busy with my own thing. Like you said..not to play games...but just cause I need to get my mind off of constantly thinking about him, what wondering what hes thinking, and driving myself crazy wondering why hes not doing more...doing something..anything! Im irritating my own self with how much thought and time and effort Im putting in...all the while knowing hes the one who should be doing that. Youre right, Im really not giving him that chance. I actually have been thinking of doing some volunteering, and there are some things I need and want to concentrate on, which will help take my mind off of things. In some ways, Im afraid that Ill get busy, he'll keep busy, and then there will be nothing left of us. Well, not just in some ways...I feel like thats exactly what will happen. He will keep avoiding, and then one day, there will be nothing left to avoid.
seoa Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I actually have been thinking of doing some volunteering, and there are some things I need and want to concentrate on, which will help take my mind off of things. In some ways, Im afraid that Ill get busy, he'll keep busy, and then there will be nothing left of us. Well, not just in some ways...I feel like thats exactly what will happen. He will keep avoiding, and then one day, there will be nothing left to avoid. Wonderful - it sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on things... So long as you remain kind & gracious (avoid the passive aggressive thing), then by giving him space you will find out what's going on, and how much he really wants you... And it sounds like he needs to discover that too. My guess would be that you're feeling insecure about the relationship because you can sense his uncertainty... And if it turns out to be bad news, then you know, don't you, that staying with a guy who doesn't want you is just not worth it... Finding other positive things to focus on is win:win - hopefully he will realise how much he wants you, and start chasing... if he doesn't want to chase you, then you at least have other things in your life, to help you move on (sad though that would be)...
Author ReturnToSender Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 I really appreciate that... I already feel so sad. I dont like the distance between us at all...its been a long going problem, but even more so now. I have done a *great* job at not being passive aggressive...its come out a little bit at times, but I try and mind myself. He already has one jewish mother to lay it on thick...Id venture go guess he doesnt need another...lol! I definitely dont want to be with a man who doesnt want me...I would rather be alone. But...I really do love him, and it would hurt to be without him. But, thats where having my own thing to do comes in...if I wasnt thinking about everything so hard, then it wouldnt hurt so much. I guess..eventually either he will come around to me, or I will come around to it that there really isnt a us. And hopefully by that time..Ill be ready for whatever the outcome is.
Author ReturnToSender Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Well..he really surprised me today. Yesterday I had a really rough day...Im having some family problems and I called him in tears and falling apart. He happened to be at work, and stepped out to talk to me. He was trying to help me feel better, but speechless for the most part...what happened to me yesterday really was pretty horrible. Anyway, I left him a vm today telling him that he really did hurt me....that he cheated and lied and Im angry, disappointed, let down...that instead of feeling backed into a corner and lashing out whenever we try to talk about things, then escaping into his work...he really needs to deal with it...that this isnt something thats just going to go away on its own. He hurt someone who loved him deeply...he needs to own up to that and accept that. So, he sent me a text asking if we can see each other...I told him to meet me at work (Im there alone) A couple hours later, he came over and we honest to goodness talked. I needed that so badly...and I dont know...if it was my message, or hearing what I was going through with my family or what...but it finally hit him. The whole thing. We talked for a couple of hours...about us, abotu my family probelms, and I really felt like a whole weight had been lifted off of me. Then he surprised me again, ran out to his car and came bearing gifts...lol. I mean, he cant buy his way out of anything but...he brought me a bouquet of lilys (my favorite) and had this bag he was pulling different things out of that he got for me. Its really just a matter of time..to see if he follows through on the things we talked about... But he finally gave me what I needed, he gave attention to what happened, he acknowledged how I was feeling about it, he actually listened and he talked about it. He faced it with me instead of closing down on me... I needed that.
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