frustradedhubby Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 ok here is a question. I am married 23 years. Sex has not always been great for us but the last 12 or so sex has waned terribly. my wife is at the point now where she is no longer interested at all. Her libido is so bad, she cannot even turn herself on with her toys. WE have tried numerous things over the years, but she only gets to a certain point then frustration sets in as she is not getting off or starts to dry up, and its over. I used to be able to get her semi aroused by working (for up to 1'2 hour) on her clit, but even that has stopped now. She has gone to Dr's and they all tell her she is normal, nothing is wrong. she is 45 I am 47. TO say the least, i am frustrated. im tired of her jerking me off every time and not being able to make love to her like a couple should. she wont go to a therapist and i am on the verge of wanting to find a woman on the side. does anyone have any advice that may have been or is in the same position
VegMidori Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 It sounds like you've tried a lot of things physically, but sometimes, following physical steps is not enough. I would try working on the emotional side a bit more. I know you're frustrated, but if the situation has devolved to your wife stimulating you manually, with you seeming disappointed, clearly "tired of [her] jerking [you] off," then she is surely not feeling very desired or cared for. Neither are you, I know, but it's you I am able to address here, and it has to start from one side or another. It may help to remind yourself of the good points. Your wife loves you, and despite her lack of libido, wants to please you. I hope that your wife's libido is something that can come back, but if not, she is still your wife. I imagine that you have tried learning what your wife's fantasies, if she has any, are, and tried to recreate them. She may be wishing that you would be more aggressively seductive, while you are assuming she wants the opposite, for all I know. If that is not the issue, and she simply has a physical lack of libido, then please remember that you are still married. You promised to keep only unto her. If sex (manual or otherwise) has to become something she does for you rather than for herself, try to reciprocate with massages or something else she would find pleasurable. Take the pressure off of her to find pleasure in all the same things you do. She can still have vaginal sex with you, with the help of lube (I recommend something silicone-based), for your pleasure, and you can do things like give her a long back massage. You can think of them both as romantic, sensual acts, and engage in them by candlelight. Talk to her about this idea and see what she thinks. As for therapy, it could be a good idea, but it's not the be all/end all. I went to a relationship counselor with a live in boyfriend once, and it turned out to be nothing more than an opportunity for him to yell at me about our different home decorating preferences while the counselor sat there. That relationship ended, and would have with or without the counseling. (I'm in a much happier relationship now.) If you talk to your wife about exactly what you'd like to get out of counseling, she may be more receptive, and if she still prefers not to go, at least you'll get a good conversation started. If you tell her, "I want to go to counseling so you'll have sex with me more often," she probably won't be as receptive as if you say, "I want to find some things we can do that will make us both happy," or "I want us to know each other more deeply, and I hope a counselor can help us with that." Either of the latter statements is the start of a good conversation.
JackJack Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Usually around that age, women might be experiencing, perimenopause, or she might actually being going into menopause, not sure though. I'm surprised her doctors didn't say something about that. I'm not saying for sure that is the issue but maybe a contributing factor.
JamesM Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Welcome to my world! My wife and I are 45 and she has the same problem. What I noticed is that your big advantage is that you state that WE have tried everything. This indicates that you feel the marriage is strong. Is there anything in her past or your past that may be a hindrance? For her, was she ever abused sexually? For you, (and don't take this wrong), any affairs? Have you read any books and looked at every possible reason for a low libido? Is she taking any medicines? Does she have any illnesses or pains that may contribute? Does she work a third shift? Describe your marriage. What are the biggest problems? Does she consider you her best friend? Do you consider her your best friend?
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