whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 If I am being truly honest yes I am starting to develop feelings for him. I often say to myself things like "gee, I wish he were single." Having said that, my integrity and previous lessons learned are stronger than my feelings for him. I will not cross the line as long as he is married. It is as simple as that. I totally agree with that it is all about what I feel. I can only control me, right? OK, you have some feelings for him, which soon is going to make you feel vunerable.. My suggestion is, and I REALLY HOPE you consider it, back off of him. Detach and don't allow the closeness to continue, REGUARDLESS of his reaction about his wife. You've been in an affair before, so I guess I don't understand why you would knowling befriend a MM and allow a close friendship to start with him.. Is something missing inside of you that you can't have that connection with a single guy or a woman friend? To rely, to become close to another MM is just asking for trouble..You're putting yourself IN a situation and it seems you're aware of it. Question is, can you back off, detach and possibly walk away from him? You say that you won't cross the line, but can you really control your emotions, and not get too attached? The only real way of doing that is to distance yourself and not let yourself feel anything. Put your guard up, stop having intimate/private/close talks with him. Keep it simple and professional, not personal. Yes he is a very good communicator. Most men that I know are not (not to generalize but my romantic involvements in the past have all been pretty much been terrible at it). This may be what is attractive about this guy. And this could very well be all in my head. Maybe his intentions are strictly professional. The only thing that tells me that they aren't is the fact that I am the person he talks the most to. I am the one he calls when he needs advice or someone to talk to.... This is the smoke that is leading me to the fire. Tell him to talk to a guy buddy of his, or to talk to his wife. You being his 'confidant' is not a good thing..You know this. You can't rescue/save him either...Don't be that person for him. If he is messed up in some sort of way, he should get counselling, or talk to his wife. Him opening up and relying on you, talking to you about things he SHOULD be discussing with his wife, isn't cool! Again, you know this, so put a stop to it. Does he know that you had an affair with a MM? Based on what you and WWIU are saying, I think my answer lies with his reaction if I were to bring up his wife. So, this week I am going to make up a point of bringing her up. Maybe it is as easy as saying something like "Gee, I wonder what W thinks of all this talking we do..." Thanks for the advice! Don't say that because YOU are implying that you two are doing something wrong...I think in your heart, deep down you know what's what. Don't wait for him to confirm it, take control and let HIM know that YOU are NOT into him that way. Distance and detach. Ask to meet his wife, suggest all of you go out to dinner one night. THAT is how you see his reaction, not the "gee I wonder.."
Owl Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 If I am being truly honest yes I am starting to develop feelings for him. I often say to myself things like "gee, I wish he were single." Having said that, my integrity and previous lessons learned are stronger than my feelings for him. I will not cross the line as long as he is married. It is as simple as that. I totally agree with that it is all about what I feel. I can only control me, right? OK, I'm going to do something I rarely do...I'm going to disagree with WWIU. Don't bother asking about the wife, to meet her, whatever. Based on your previous responses above, what the wife thinks about this is irrelevent. You've already answered your own question in the quote above...yes, you've "developed feelings" for him...ergo, you're in the start of an emotional affair. You don't need to validate that with him, with his wife, or anyone else. Your own thoughts and emotions have already crossed that line...it's time to end the 'relationship'. Point blank, there you go. No, you can't have a "friendship" with someone that you "are developing feelings for". You need to go NC with him...PERIOD. You've already 'crossed the line'...whether or not he agrees or reciprocates doesn't matter. Time for YOU to do the right thing.
LakesideDream Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 You've already 'crossed the line'...whether or not he agrees or reciprocates doesn't matter. Time for YOU to do the right thing. If "innappropriate" feelings have already attached.. I agree with the Wise 'Ol Owl. It's time for the OP to pull back to a business specific position. Nip it in the bud right now. It sounds like the man involved has not reciprocated, therefor he is blameless. It's up to the OP to restructure her priorities.
Owl Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Hey now, LSD...we both know I'm not all that "wise"...just highly opinionated! :) :)
whichwayisup Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 It's up to the OP to restructure her priorities. I agree.. And even more so since she's been down the MM road before.. This is why I am kind of confused that she would allow a 'close friendship' to develop with a married man.. Knowing full well what COULD happen. And, I also agree with you Lakey - Owl is wise, even though he thinks he isn't!
Author BurriedAlive Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 Well in the end, I am the one in control of me. I am strong enough NOT to cross the line. As of yet, there isn't anything inappropriate that has happened. And that is the way it is going to stay. Lakeside, the man involved has reciprocated....or maybe I have reciprocated him. Either way, it isn't important. I agree with WWIU & Owl, I do need to detach, I admit that. I actually did not call or email him at work yesterday. He emailed me at home last night and I replied with a very short answer. I started down the same road today but he ended up calling me before lunch to ask what was wrong! So I said "what do you mean?" And he said "well your answer to my email was really short last night." So I said that I really didn't have anymore to say on the subject! Clearly I am not imagining feelings from his end. If he thought of me only as his work collegue, he wouldn't care that I was "short" with him. So my plan is to detach. Since I do not have the option of going NC, I will just keep it strictly business, nothing else. I will also limit my phone & in person contact with him, as much as humanly possible. WWIU - no he doesn't know about my previous affair with a MM. I can count the people on one hand that know that. It was a long time ago and I have moved away from the town that it happened in. Also, there isn't anything missing inside me that I can't have a connection with a single guy or girlfriend. I have lots of girlfriends that I can talk to and do talk to. There are no single men around, though. Maybe that's the problem!
whichwayisup Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 So my plan is to detach. Since I do not have the option of going NC, I will just keep it strictly business, nothing else. I will also limit my phone & in person contact with him, as much as humanly possible. Ok, he noticed the shorter email..Right away.. It isn't intentional (yet) but you two are in an EA..It just hasn't been spoken about. He's attached, you're attached. Definately time to distance yourself.. But, let him know. Just don't up and do NC, act business like. TELL him that you're feeling uncomfortable and he needs to talk to his wife more, not you.. And, whatever you do, don't admit or tell him ANY feelings for him that you may have..That will only peak his interest and make pursuing you a challenge.
Author BurriedAlive Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 Ok, he noticed the shorter email..Right away.. It isn't intentional (yet) but you two are in an EA..It just hasn't been spoken about. He's attached, you're attached. Definately time to distance yourself.. But, let him know. Just don't up and do NC, act business like. TELL him that you're feeling uncomfortable and he needs to talk to his wife more, not you.. And, whatever you do, don't admit or tell him ANY feelings for him that you may have..That will only peak his interest and make pursuing you a challenge. I am not sure I feel comfortable saying to him that I don't feel comfortable, that we are getting too close, etc... I am a professional, not some silly girl and I feel like I will sound silly if I say something like that! I think that if I stop confiding in him, keep my conversations as short as possible with him and not do anything to encourage his behaviour, eventually he will get the picture? Oh something I haven't mentioned is that he calls me his "work wife." One of the other guys we work with made a joke about it one day and now he calls me that in our conversations sometimes... HMMMMM, it's funny but as I write this, his intentions seem more and more obvious to me. Sometimes all it takes is writing it down! In any event the good news is that we don't work in the same office and I can really keep my interaction with him at a minimum if I really put my mind to it. And I will put my mind to it as it is the right thing to do!
jany Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I really applaud you for recognizing the signs of how your relationship with him may cross the boundaries. I was in a similar situation - got too close to my co-worker without realizing and then it was too late. Before you mentioned that you had feelings for him, I didn't think it was that big of a deal to step back from the relationship but if you have attraction for him, and it sounds like he is attached to you, it will just lead to destruction.
Owl Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 The one thing you need to keep in mind is that if you DON'T tell him like WWIU suggested...he's going to continue with what he's been doing. He's not going to have any reason to change his behaviors. You don't have to get into mushy detail...simply say that you want to back off on any kind of personal information exchange and focus on business only. NOT setting this boundary after you've already crossed it is going to add confusion and delay implementing the changes. Be honest and up front...and blunt and to the point. It'll resolve this situation MUCH faster that way.
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Oh something I haven't mentioned is that he calls me his "work wife." All the more reason to make sure HE knows that you two are not a possible 'item' in the near future. As you know, it doesn't take much for people to choose to have an affair.. Plus, you've admitted that you DO have some feelings for him. Anyway, it's up to you, but it would be better for you in the long run to tell him that you're not interested in him that way. Like Owl said, honest, upfront and blunt. If you distance yourself without telling him, he IS going to ask alot of questions, which in turn might make you feel uncomfortable and put you on the spot. Take control now and then do the detaching. Stop relying on him, and don't be there 24/7 for him. He's a grown man and needs to see what HE is doing is wrong.
silktricks Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I am not sure I feel comfortable saying to him that I don't feel comfortable, that we are getting too close, etc... I am a professional, not some silly girl and I feel like I will sound silly if I say something like that! I think that if I stop confiding in him, keep my conversations as short as possible with him and not do anything to encourage his behaviour, eventually he will get the picture? So you feel more comfortable simply avoiding the uncomfortable??? :)Sorry, but this is pretty classic behavior for people who unfortunately can get themselves embroiled in affairs.... It's because you are a professional and not some silly girl, that you really do need to be more upfront about what's going on. Otherwise, the behavior you are describing of pulling away but providing no reason for those actions, almost ends up being a come-on. You don't need to get into a deep conversation about anything. Lovely gave some good words... here's another choice: "I have overheard myself being referred to as your "work wife". That has made me uncomfortable, so I'd like to take our interaction to a more professional and less personal level. In the future you'll see that I will be changing my tone with you somewhat. Please don't take this action as anything other than what it is, my desire for a good professional relationship with all of my co-workers."
foreal Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Oh something I haven't mentioned is that he calls me his "work wife." One of the other guys we work with made a joke about it one day and now he calls me that in our conversations sometimes... BA: The term "Work Wife" is an insult on so many levels. There are people at work laughing about you (not WITH you, ABOUT you) and this MM is carrying on the joke at YOUR expense! If he had any honor, he'd have told the other guy to shut the hell up, and defend your honor....By now calling you that himself, he's perpetuating the idea that you are 'his'. ...he may as well just pee on you when he says it like some dog claiming his territory. I doubt his 'house wife' would find his term of endearment for you funny. It is not funny and as I said, such an insult to you
Dexter Morgan Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I am concerned that this is an emotional affair. I am worried that we are playing with fire. He really does seem like a nice guy and I am not getting vibes from him that he cheats on his wife. well if he cheats on his wife, I can see why you'd fall for him:rolleyes: women go for the cheating jerks. Like I said before, nothing inappropriate has happened. I am adamant to not start an affair with this guy whether it be emotional or physical. so whats the problem then? So, I am wondering, can we just be work friends? If you were his wife, would you consider our behavior as inappropriate in any way? I do not know how much his wife knows about me but if you were her would you be hurt by our "relationship"??? would you if you were his wife? And are you married?
Dexter Morgan Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Is this the same guy as before? Or a new MM? oh brother...is this true? have you gotten close with other MM?
Dexter Morgan Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 So you really don't think there is any way that he thinks of me as just his professional collegue and/or friend? who cares what HE thinks? Its what YOU make of it. If it turns out that he wants an inappropriate relationship outside of work with you, you nip it in the butt. but here you are wondering about another MM. geez. How about not thinking about MM so much?
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 One of the other guys we work with made a joke about it one day and now he calls me that in our conversations sometimes... This also means that others around the office see how "close" you are, and have talked about it...Probably think you two are having an affair..you know how office gossip can be. DON'T go there.. Do what Lovely has suggested and Silk's suggestion too. WHO cares if it's an uncomfortable situation..It'll be MORE uncomfortable later if you don't deal with this head on and honestly now. Short, sweet and to the point. He'll get what you're saying and hopefully he'll back off too.
jnj express Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Your work buddy is cheating on his wife. Turn the situation around, lets say you were married, and your H. was spending all this time talking to another woman, how do you feel about it. If he is a co-worker, there is no reason for him to e-mail you in the evening, and there is certainly no reason for him to be pushed out of shape if you are starting to cut your answers to him. He is emotionally attached to you, and I think you know it. You do not know what his real situation is at home, but I will tell you this if his wife percieves you to be causing him to be cheating on her, and goes to the HR dept. at your work place you could lose your job. IMHO, you need to cut this off right now, only speak to him if it is work related, and only speak to him with others present, and he needs to cut out the remarks like work wife, that is an indication the two of you are beyond simple friendship---You have red flags all over the place---you better pay attention to them
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