epcdfsux Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I don't even know where to begin on this one. This story is so ass-backwards and twisted around...This gets really complicated and is really long (but entertaining), so read on if you wish...... Well, I met my current Girlfriend about a year and a half ago. I had been passing through El Paso visiting family and friends and she was a government contractor working for Ft. Bliss when we met. We had both just got out of relationships where our significant other had been cheating on us and when we met, we hit it off immediately. I was in the process of moving to Austin TX and she was in the process of kicking her ex-husband out of her house that she had bought (and not even lived in yet) while she was in the service. She was quitting her federal job and moving into her house (she had just gotten back to the states from Iraq). Her ex-husband had cheated on her while she was in Iraq but she let him take care of the house until she returned. While she was in Iraq, she started seeing some other guy (the ex-boyfriend). That guy also ended up cheating on her. Anyhow, when we met, we were both a mess. We were just two alcoholic scorned peas in a pod. We saw each other for about a month before we decided to call it "official". Well, at that time I had been roughnecking on an oil rig down in west Texas and commuting 400 miles from Austin TX to the rig every week (They work you 7 days on and give you 7 days off). So a few months passed and she said I could move in with her since she olny lived about 100 miles from the rig and I was spending all of my days off at her house anyways. It didn't make much sense to keep paying on an apartment in Austin that I was not living in, so I took her up on the offer. Well, to make things complicated, she had just spent a year in Afghanistan as a soldier and two years in Iraq as a contractor. She was having trouble being at the house alone for seven days while I was at the rig because she was suffering from PTSD from the war. Well, as it turned out, she was hanging out with her ex-husband while I was away working at the rig. I didn't like it, but I felt bad leaving her alone in the condition she was in and it was not my house to begin with. I had met her ex husband on many occasions and actually liked the guy. We ended hanging out together on my days off. They had both always swore up and down that nothing was going on and I had no proof, so I just dismissed it but I was always uncomfortable with the idea. As time went on, she started getting her head together and he started coming around less and less, but that "seed" had already been planted in the back of my mind. Anyhow, she got a job working at a mine as a computer tech and we were doing alright. Well, one day, we were drinking at the house and she passed out early and had left her e-mail open. I read it and found out that she was still talking to her ex-boyfriend from Iraq. You see, she was jealous of any of my ex-girlfriends that I still kept in contact with because she feared that I would cheat on her too. She actually forbid me to talk to them for that reason. I didn't care because I was with her and I had no reason to keep in contact with these people. The past is the past for a reason. So I asked her to stop talking to the guy and she did.....for a while. As time went on, her PTSD subsided, and things were going great. She would cook and clean and even took care of me for 3 months while I recovered from a staph infection that had to be cut out of my body. Niether one of us were talking to our ex's. After a while, I returned to work. Well, times got hard for a while. She had to quit her job in the mines because she was having severe stomach problems and the doctors could not figure out why. I took care of her until she was well enough to get a consulting job and paid some of her hospital bills for her while she was getting back on her feet.... Anyhow, I ended up getting laid off from work shortly after and found a job on a rig closer to the house. I was still working 7 on 7 off, but the rig was olny about 40 miles from the house, so I could drive back and forth every day. We were both very happy because I no longer had to leave her alone for a week at a time. However, I was working 12 hour night shifts and sleeping all day while she went to work. I came home one Saturday morning after busting my ass all night with out even having a chance to eat and the house was trashed. There were beer cans everywhere. It looked to be about a thirty pack and a half. Well, she woke up and came out of the bedroom still drunk looking around with this oh **** look on her face. It turns out that some electrician from her old job at the mines came over and they partied all night while I was at work. She tried to play it off like it was no big deal, but I could tell she was acting suspicious. By the way, he was already gone. I was super tired and very cold and super pissed, but I decided to maintain my composure and let it be. well, the next afternoon I woke up and she had been texting somebody all afternoon before I left for work. She went to the bathroom and I checked her phone and it was that guy but she had deleted most of the messages from him already. I finished my work week and then decided to confront her about it and she said that she didn't want me to think that something was going on so she deleted his messages. WTF!? Wouldn't that make you more suspicious?? Anyhow, I told her that if she ever see's this guy again, ever texts him or talks to him on the phone that we were done. She agreed and she never did contact him again (I checked her phone records). The damage had been done. I started losing trust in her. Between her ex-husband visiting, her still e-mailing he ex-boyfriend and now this guy, I decided to start keeping tabs on her. I was not going to mess up another relationship by being suspicious of my girlfriend, but never having any proof. Hell, maybe nothing was going on with her ex-husband. Maybe all she did was drink beer with this electrician while I was at work that night. Maybe she did have good intentions. I ruined my last relationship this way, but later found out that I was right all along about my ex. Anyhow, things got worse. We both got laid off. we were living off of my unemployment and credit cards, out tax returns and she even started to cash in her retirement just to keep from foreclosure on the house. Her mother passed away unexpectedly in the middle of all of this and I drove her out to California to bury her. She was super depressed and I decided not to return to the oilfield so that I could take care of her until she came out of her depression. We were barely getting by by the skin of our teeth financially. She had started coming out of her depression after about six months and decided to return to work. She got another government job in Afghanistan. Before she left, she wanted to go back out to California to see her family. I stayed behind because I needed to watch after the dogs. Mind you, I am still keeping tabs on her. Well, it turns out she is texting her ex-boyfriend from Iraq and some other guy who she knew from Afghanistan and deleting them. After she left for Afghanistan, I found out that she had plans for her ex-boyfriend to come and visit her in the training course she had to attend in Georgia that was required for her deployment. I exploded and we broke up. She told me that he offered to pick her up from the airport and give her a ride to the training facility, but that she knew he would never show up (he didn't, I read her e-mail later). I didn't believe her. However, I couldn't leave though because I had to take care of our 3 dogs while she was gone. Well, i was cleaning out my stuff and found some old e-mails that she had printed out and saved. They were from her ex-husband and "friends". It turns out that she had been ****ing 3 or 4 other guys while she was in Iraq the first time while she was married. She had cheated on him FIRST. When he found out, he started seeing other people and she caught him and blamed their divorce on his infidelity. I invited him over for a pow wow that night. I showed him everything and he was thoroughly disgusted with her. He never came over after that while she was there. He olny had known about one or two of the guys. We got to talking and he told me that they never did a thing behind my back, but wishes they had so that he could have told me. I was almost 100% sure that they had. So the doubt creeps back into my mind and I start thinking, "what if she has been telling the truth all along?" She came back a month later and we had a long talk. I told her that this relationship is no longer going to be governed by double standards. I said that if she wanted to be with me that she would have to cut off contact with her exes like i did. She agreed reluctantly. She told me that she is not the same person that she used to be back then and that she olny wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Well, she e-mailed he ex again out of the blue, we split up over it, got back together, I found out she was texting one of the guys i told her not too (she didn't delete them and so on and so on. We were shuppost to move to Hawaii together because after Afghanistan, she got offered a government job there. She went out to Cali to visit her family (again) before she left for Hawaii, while I get to sit here and babysit the dogs AGAIN because we cannot ship them over there for another 2 months so I have to stay behind. I feel like I am running a kennel.... So tonight she calls me and tells me that she went to the bar last night with her best friend who is a girl. She said she got really wasted and she told me that she woke up in bed with her (girl) friend and her girlfriends friend that happens to be a guy. I said "wait a minute, you slept in a bed with some other guy?" She said "yeah, but I passed out, I don't remember anything. When I woke up, they (her best girl friend and this guy friend) were in the bed with me." I was like that doesn't make it any better that you don't remember a thing." "nothing happened, all i want to do is be with you"......... What would you do? I am at a loss with this whole situation.
ReturnToSender Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I read the whole thing...and wow. Well, it seems that you did have good reason to be doubtful of her. If she had respect for you and the relationship, she would cut off contact with her exs and "friends"... Who knows whats going on in her head, but it seems like shes not ready to commit to any one person or any one life even. Beyond the relationships, there are so many job changes and moves and etc going on...I dont see anything stable about this situation at all. I would think long and hard about moving to Hawaii with her... do you have a job lined up there? woudl you be dependent on her for awhile? would you be in a "I have to stay cause I have no where to go" situation if you go there and things keep going down this path? Lots more questions to ask yourself but...for me, what Id be worried about is whether or not shes really ready to dedicate herself to any relationship, and Id be afraid of being stuck on an island with her with no clear plan for myself of how Im going to live or what Im going to do if things continue down this path.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 RUN FOREST RUN!!!!! Dude why are you dealing with this crazy chick! get you a decent woman and be away from this... I would so disappear and be invisible she'd think I was dead!
ReturnToSender Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 RUN FOREST RUN!!!!! Dude why are you dealing with this crazy chick! get you a decent woman and be away from this... I would so disappear and be invisible she'd think I was dead! Haha..I was really thinking this...I was trying to be diplomatic, but yeah, everythign about the situation is scary.
Author epcdfsux Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 "If she had respect for you and the relationship, she would cut off contact with her exs and "friends"..." I think you are right that if she had respect for me that she would cut off contact with these people. I did out of respect for her. This has been my whole issue with her is respect, but she does not see it that way. If I go to the bar, I don't even talk to other women. I just ignore them because I am taken. She has not been very stable since I met her. She is always changing jobs and so on and it makes me think that maybe she will never be stable. As for the Hawaii situation, I would have to be dependent on her until I find work, but I can always get a plane ticket back to the states if things don't work out. Her employer will pay for all of our things to get moved over there except my truck. I am thinking of just leaving all of my stuff here and seeing how things work out, that way I can always just leave if this crap continues on. In her defense though, she doe's seem to be coming around a little though. She is getting less insane everyday and might actually turn out to be a descent person if she just cuts the crap out. I am thinking about giving her a shot in Hawaii, but if she continues on like this or gives me any reason for anymore doubt or suspicion, I will probably just leave her. It always seems like when we are together, she is fine, but when we are apart is when the problems start....and we have spent way too much time apart in the last few months. One thing I forgot to mention is that she made one extremely almost fatal mistake with me a while back. When she got offered the job in Hawaii, she said "yes" without even asking me. I asked her if she would have taken the job if I had said I was not going - she said yes.....****, why am i with her again????
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 "If she had respect for you and the relationship, she would cut off contact with her exs and "friends"..." I think you are right that if she had respect for me that she would cut off contact with these people. I did out of respect for her. This has been my whole issue with her is respect, but she does not see it that way. If I go to the bar, I don't even talk to other women. I just ignore them because I am taken. She has not been very stable since I met her. She is always changing jobs and so on and it makes me think that maybe she will never be stable. As for the Hawaii situation, I would have to be dependent on her until I find work, but I can always get a plane ticket back to the states if things don't work out. Her employer will pay for all of our things to get moved over there except my truck. I am thinking of just leaving all of my stuff here and seeing how things work out, that way I can always just leave if this crap continues on. In her defense though, she doe's seem to be coming around a little though. She is getting less insane everyday and might actually turn out to be a descent person if she just cuts the crap out. I am thinking about giving her a shot in Hawaii, but if she continues on like this or gives me any reason for anymore doubt or suspicion, I will probably just leave her. It always seems like when we are together, she is fine, but when we are apart is when the problems start....and we have spent way too much time apart in the last few months. One thing I forgot to mention is that she made one extremely almost fatal mistake with me a while back. When she got offered the job in Hawaii, she said "yes" without even asking me. I asked her if she would have taken the job if I had said I was not going - she said yes.....****, why am i with her again???? So what do YOU plan to do wait until she chooses you and stop being so selfish! You cannot change someone by being with them! She is very narcissistic and immature. her mind frame is your just convenient for now, but once she finds someone else she'll drop you at the drop of a hat. WHY are YOU with this woman, and dont give me any of I love her crap! No woman would treat a man this bad and the man stays with her, dude where's your balls. does she have them too? Self respect mayn! respect thyself!
Javelin Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Wow this crazy chick reminds me of my ex-girlfriend... and guess what? She eventually cheated on me! Let's just put it this way... Women that have a need to keep in contact with ex-whatevers, that have zero legal ties to them (IE: Children), are certainly NOT to be trusted, PERIOD! Get out while you still can, all of this crap isn't worth the headaches. Trust me, there are 2.5 Billion women out there that would be 110% better, I promise!
ReturnToSender Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Well..I have to say, I do not think that someone who maintains contact with an ex should not be trusted. I would not tell a bf to drop all contact with ex's/female friends and would be offended if someone tried that with me... I do however think she has shown beyond a doubt that *she* cannot be trusted with *her* ex's. She has lied to everyone at every turn, snuck around and remained deceitful. Theres no honesty there. That she should not have contact with her ex's is totally warranted. For taking the job in Hawaii..the very least she could have done is to discuss it with you...personally, unless I was married, I would not give up a job opportunity and stay grounded somewhere, if the opportunity was something I wanted. At the same time...Id be considerate enough to say to the man in my life..this is whats on the table, this is what Im considering...would you come with me? Would you stay? What are your thoughts? Then again, thats only if him and what he thought mattered to me. If it didnt, Id come home and say "hey! Im going to Hawaii!" and let him sort out the rest for himself...which is really what happened here to you. You are being disrespected at every turn.
Javelin Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Well..I have to say, I do not think that someone who maintains contact with an ex should not be trusted. I would not tell a bf to drop all contact with ex's/female friends and would be offended if someone tried that with me... To each his/her own, but personally - I wouldn't trust anyone that kept them around; especially when there was cheating involved like in the Original Poster's story.
Author epcdfsux Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 You are all right.....I guess I know what needs to be done, or what should have been done a long time ago. Thanx for all of your replies
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