blue_nymph Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I'm in a relationship with a person who is also with someone else. I'm so attached to him now, that to leave would probably kill me. I know how this is going to sound, but he is really the love of my life. I just can't get over the fact that he's with someone else as well. I didn't agree to that when things started; I found out about two months into the relationship. That ought to have ended things (because it was blatant deception) but I only found out because he came to me to confess everything. He was so upset (the other person had just vanished...run away, disappeared completely) that he told me everything and apologized. He said he wouldn't blame me if I left. He said things between them were definitely over. I stayed. I learned soon after that things between them were not over. In fact, it was worse than before. I was so attached to him, that I tried to pretend it was just him and me...and this worked sometimes. Now, months later, I am the one that is known as "his girlfriend" but truly, the only difference between me and his other person is that title. I am the one that is known, but he wants things to be equal. As much as he says he 'needs me' he is still willing to give up being with me for being with them. As much as he says "I love you" he is still saying it to someone else as well. I am conflicted. If he says it to someone else and he spends time with someone else....but he tries to spend time with me...and still says he loves me...should that be enough for me? I feel like I am settling for half a person.... I hate not being able to be with him when I need to. I hate not having emotional support when I need it... I hate having to back off so that the other person can have time with him. Am I being selfish here? Should I just be happy to have someone who loves me or is it okay that I'm not happy and want the whole person? Am I expecting too much? Am I being ridiculous to be upset about this?
Exit Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Why on earth would you do this to yourself? You are a complete person and you deserve an entire person in return. He does not love you, this is not love. You ARE strong enough to leave him. Walk away and tell him it's either you or her.
Author blue_nymph Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 Why on earth would you do this to yourself? You are a complete person and you deserve an entire person in return. He does not love you, this is not love. You ARE strong enough to leave him. Walk away and tell him it's either you or her. He talks about it as something I need to accept. If you want to be technical, I guess I was the "other woman" because I came second...I just wasn't supposed to find out about the other... I have found it too difficult to walk away so far. He is the one that was there for me after my ex cut all communication with me (before the relationship in question started). He was there for me through family issues I have had. He has been a close friend for a long time. There is so much lost if I walk away. It sounds cliche, but I've never felt about anyone else the way I feel about him. If I tell him it is the other person or me, he will get very angry and cut all communication with me, then I will be alone again (that is my fear). If he is made to choose, he won't choose me. Essentially, I feel that I have to live with this or I get nothing and have to be alone. You might say I am better off alone, but...I don't know. I don't feel like I have anything left to give someone else after this, after the relationships that came before this. I realize it looks like I have very low self esteem...and while I somewhat think I am worth a whole person, I have never found a guy willing to be interested in only me. There is always someone they were willing to ignore me for or compare me to or leave me for...it is very hard to trust. There are elements of this that are like I imagine a "normal relationship" should be...I just wish it was only me. I am conflicted and I think "there are so many people who are alone and don't ever find love...am I being picky to find someone who cares about me and have this problem with it?"
TaraMaiden Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 You're being ridiculous. I'm sorry, truly but you are. you're being ridiculous, needy, manipulated and used. He's being a total jerk. He's a user, and has both his cake AND is eating it. I've been through the mill with my partner recently, but hell's bells, there is no way I would ever agree to share him with someone else. You're not in love. you're desperate. your words scream low self-esteem, despair, desire, need, validation, and dependency. Non of these qualities are a healthy reason to stay with someone. Listen: You need to get out of this, extricate yourself and leave, and quickly. Not because of him, not because of what he's doing, not because of the other person. you need to get out to save yourself, and salvage whatever dignity you have remaining, and live entirely for yourself. I'm scared though, that what I'm advising is too little too late. I'm scared that he's ground you down so far, that the you which existed once, is no longer there, and all that's left is a hollow, empty shell of someone who once was. And if you're not the you that you once were, what is he with you for? He's with you because he's succeeded in moulding you into precisely what he wants. Someone who he can sit on, walk over and use to his own end. Please, go, now. Get out and live again. Otherwise you'll be lost in this despair always. until it's too late. Good grief, woman.... MOVE!!!
georgia girl Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 God, this is why I hate cheaters - they make the two people in their lives feel utterly worthless without them. They somehow manipulate the two people to think that they "love" them and that the other person would be lost without them. Please hear all of us. This is a bad, bad situation. If someone loves you, then they should love only you. It's not fair to you and you are robbing yourself of your own self worth. Think about what YOU want in life. Do you want to spend at least half of your life agonizing over what the "love of your life" is doing with another woman? Do you want to live in fear that if you make him choose it won't be you? You deserve so much more. You deserve someone who is going to commit to you. You deserve to negotiate with your partner what the parameters of your relationship will be. You deserve to be able to set expectations and have them fulfilled. You deserve to be someone's first choice. People may read this and think I am judging the two people involved with the one man, but I'm not. While I judge the man for his utter selfishness (and by the way, no one can be a "good friend" when they are bein so selfish), I would never judge the two people. They are the ones caught in the hell that comes with loving the same person. Please, please, please get yourself out of this situation. You sound so desperate, hurt and lost that my heart absolutely breaks for you. Bite the bullet and go no contact. The pain will be horrific at first, but you will heal - we all do - and you will one day find someone who chooses only you. Good luck. I am thinking of you today.
seoa Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 You might say I am better off alone, but...I don't know. I don't feel like I have anything left to give someone else after this, after the relationships that came before this. I realize it looks like I have very low self esteem...and while I somewhat think I am worth a whole person, I have never found a guy willing to be interested in only me. There is always someone they were willing to ignore me for or compare me to or leave me for...it is very hard to trust. Oh sweetie - how horrible for you... You sound so alone. Who else do you have in your life - family, female friends, church, therapist...? You need to sort out a support system, so that they can be with you through resolving this... You deserve a boyfriend who wants you, and you only - unfortunately, sharing this guy will make you feel *worse* as time goes on, so you need to take steps to get him to choose you, and you cannot do this alone... The more you feel worthy of love and respect, the more it will come to you... find those friends, and get strength from having them supporting you...
Author blue_nymph Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 Thank you for the advice. I do feel alone, and I do feel confused. You're all correct about that. I keep questioning myself because I feel like I have a valid reason to be unhappy...yet I am always being told that it is something I need to accept, and it is 'this way because that's how it needs to be, and that's it'. It doesn't feel fair, and... TaraMaiden, you're right, I do feel empty. I'm not completely gone, but I feel very numb, if that makes sense. I can't picture myself in any kind of relationship after this. I've tried too hard, put too much energy into this, to even imagine being able to do it again. I'm exhausted. There have been times where I have been lead to the impression that it was going to be just me soon...if I could just hold out a little longer... Recently he got a cell phone plan with the other person, to which she told me "was to reaffirm the committment to each other". He told me if she left, he'd marry me. He's told me so many things...but now it is plainly obvious to me that she isn't going anywhere, they were never really going to break up, and...this whole sharing thing isn't fair. I may have had a troubled past with relationships, been unlucky, but... this is absurd. You're all right. You're all completely and utterly right. I do wish I had more support, or at least someone to talk to about this on a regular basis. I really have been too ashamed to tell my best friend, and that's really all the viable emotional support I might have for it right now. I've been on my own with this so far, which--from the reasoning here, is probably obvious...I've made so many excuses. I'm not good enough, I'm not supportive enough, I don't give enough attention,...something. I went NC most of today, but I became so lonely that in weakness I spoke to him over phone. I'm feeling that...(despite this having been about a year now, and it will hurt like hell) I need to end this. He's going to be harsh to me. He's going to call me names. I'm not prepared for that. He's somewhat vengeful at times...and I'm not prepared for what he could do to me (not violence, but rumors and wordplay). Maybe I don't know what love is, maybe I thought I was in love but I'm wrong... It's not worth my life. It's not worth wasting any more time.
BW007 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 This guy is a joker. If he yells, he yells. Walk away from this clown as soon as possible. He is treating you as furniture and taking you for granted. I understand you love this guy but you have got to get out from under this. To shove the whole cel phone plan and I will marry you if it doesn't work out crap in your face is downright emotionally abusive. Suffer through the consequences and kick this guy to the curb.
angelface78 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 You need to leave this guy...what a jerk!!! Honey please have some self-respect! Im sure you are a wonderful person. He is taking advantage of you. I cant believe you say he would get angry if you ask him to choose!! I say you ask him to choose and when he doesnt choose you ...you walk away and go into strict NC!!! This will shock him that you are no longer looking for him!! Dont be afraid to do this. In life we have to take chances. Maybe he will realize and leave this other person and if he doesnt believe me you are better off....hes such an ass for doing this to you!! It makes me mad!!!
Exit Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I have confidence that some day you will find someone who loves you completely and you will look back and feel so ridiculous for ever loving someone like this guy. But the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step and you need to take that first step. You are a person capable of giving your entire heart to ONE person and you deserve the same in return. Every second that goes by that you put up with this is just making his ego bigger, he thinks he's a player and he can have two girls. Burst his bubble, get the hell out of there. Should tell the other girl what's going on if she isn't aware of it, let him lose both of you.
Author blue_nymph Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 You are all right. The other girl is aware of it and helped him trick me at the beginning....she's made life very hard for me. Thank you for your advice and support. I appreciate it so very much!
TaraMaiden Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 blue, you have to contact your best friend, and tell her you really could do with her help, right now. You need her support and input, bercause you're not sure you're strong enough to do this on your own, but you know you have to get yourself clear of this guy. Would she help you? Will she listen? You also maybe need to contact a women's shelter.... tell them you just need some advice, because this is how monsters work to gasin your control. They suck you dry then re-fill you with crap. You need to talk to a solid voice, and get some actual input. But we're all rooting for you. The fact you even wrote in was a glimmer of hope, so start shining again.....
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