Why does my MM still contact me even though he broke it off?

[PlanetJanet]

Hi everyone, new here. So please forgive me if i don't have all the acronyms down yet.

 

I just got out of a 10 month affair with a MM. We work together, we connected and fell for one another pretty fast. He has one child, never spoke poorly of his wife. In fact he told me all along that he loves her and wishes he could have both of us. There were also times when he told me that he was thinking of leaving her to start a life with me.

 

He said that his wife turned her back on him often sexually or gave him sex begrudgingly and just wanted him to get it over with. She said she had no interest in sex because of various medications she was on. but she also had no interest in holding his hand or kissing or other "non sex" behaviors. Their communication was poor, they rarely talked about what was wrong between them. They tried therapy but stopped after 1 visit. went to the doctor to fix medical issues that might be affecting their sex life. Nothing got fixed.

 

He had some fits of guilt during those 10 months, when he would pull back from seeing me. These happened anytime he had a nice weekend or some concentrated time with his wife. We talked a lot during our relationship, and I told him that it was wrong for him to give half of himself to two people, that he should give his marriage one more, honest try. I loved him to death, I wanted to be with him but always there was this voice inside of me that told me the relationship was unsustainable and bad for me.

 

The big break finally came about a month ago when he took my advice. He said he could not do this anymore, he had to go home and give things with his wife one more try. And then he would decide if he was going to stay with her, or go. In the past when he pulled away he'd come back within a week or so, one time it was 3 weeks. And I would take him back. THIS time I told him - don't come back to me until you are done with her. I don't want to be second best anymore.

 

It was devastating. It has been almost a month, I can get through a weekend without crying but he is still in my thoughts and it takes everything in my power to stay away from him and try not to connect with him on any level. I do not see any sign of him coming back, although I would still stick with my decision to refuse him while he is still committed to someone else.

 

The first few days after we broke up, I could tell he was really hurting. But now he says things are "almost back to normal" for him and he just goes about his day like nothing ever happened. It makes me feel like I never mattered, even though I know I did and probably still do.

 

Here is what confuses me and I wonder if you experienced readers have any experience with or thoughts about this? We work together. If I stay away from him and just do my work he will email me or ask if I want to go get a snack, etc. He asks about my personal life, he wonders if I am seeing anyone, etc. I give him vague and non-committal answers. He is not interested in coming back at this point, he said "I am still focusing on my goal at home" but yet he still wants to talk and email and see me, albeit at work.

 

What is he doing? He said we were done and I don't understand why he will not leave me alone. I don't want him back while he is still with his wife. He knows this. I told him to look me up when he is done and maybe I'll still be available. My self-respect is fighting with my love for this man.

 

My friends tell me to cut him off, to pull him aside and tell him that I don't want anything but professional contact. Which would be minimal as we don't need to talk to each other to do our jobs. I don't want to cut him off but sometimes it also hurts to hear from him and listen to him blather about his life like nothing ever happened between us.

 

Thank you for listening.

[mourningMM]

without a safety net.

 

He is metaphorically keeping a foot in the door when he reaches out to you.

 

You are "connected" and even if you no longer are seeing each other he is acting territorial. He wants to keep you tied to him in case.

 

Look, I don't know how old you are; or if he has children; or if you are willing to hear this but....YOU have given him permission to do this by saying [

THIS time I told him - don't come back to me until you are done with her. I don't want to be second best anymore.

 

You left an open door, and you will never really be free to move on until either you or he closes it; you won't really be available to have a full relationship with someone else.

 

You are feeding his ego; he is feeding yours...giving eachother the attention that you say he is lacking from his wife.

 

If you have the strength, say good bye again and slam that door. If it is meant to be, he'll find his way back to you. And if you are lucky, you'll already have found a real partner.

 

Because once a cheater, always a cheater. He'll always want more than he has.

 

I will think good thoughts for you.

[fooled once]

He uwants to be friends. Men and women are totally different emotionally.

 

I think he fed you a line of BS with the whole "my wife doesn't put out anymore". He enjoyed his time with you - don't get me wrong - but his heart is with his wife.

 

He couldn't tell you that his wife is a fantastic lover. And I can tell you from experience, being on medications CAN and DOES affect a person's sex drive.

 

But a relationship -- a marriage -- isn't just about sex. It is about connecting on a different level. It is about an emotional, a spiritual, a mental, an intellectual, a physical connection.

 

IF two people find this -- they don't want to lose it.

 

But men especially seem to get tired of the mundane life a marriage can bring at times. Bills, kids, diapers, etc... they want a change - a little spice. This is when affairs can come into play.

 

But he chose his marriage. He chose to commit to his wife. And in some ways, men compartmentalize in ways women can't. He has taken the affair, put it in a box, shut it and now continues on as before the affair.

 

And since you have always taken him back, he may feel that he can keep you on a 'leash' per say and if things get boring at home again, he will hop on over to your house.

 

My advice to you --- quit trying to figure him out. I agree with your friends - tell him that the A is over and you would prefer it if the only communication between you two is stricly as professionals. That you can't be his friend, his buddy.

 

I know it hurts. I know how heartbreaking it can be. But don't put your life on hold for him anymore -- don't put your life on hold for "maybe one day".

 

And who knows, if you two do ever get together, can you trust that he won't do to you what he has done to his wife? He told you he loves his wife; yet he still cheated on her. Do you think he won't do the same to you one day?

 

He came to you for sex. He wasn't getting it at home OR maybe he was but it was 'routine' -- I wouldn't believe a single word from him about his home sex life.

 

And from what I read on here, it seems to be a common theme why a lot of MM cheat -- they blame it on the lack of sex at home. As if sex is the ONLY thing a marriage is built on. How sad for those couples. Because ONE day, sex will go away. Maybe he won't be able to get it up, maybe medical issues will come into play. Maybe the sex drive will whither up and go away.

 

And true loving marriages will continue because the relationship wasn't built on or sustained because of sex. It will continue to thrive because it was built on love.

[PlanetJanet]

Thank you, I thought I had closed the door by saying "don't come back if you are still a MM." I thought it would be enough to not answer his questions, not talk about my personal life, not open up like I used to.

 

I think it would be a TON easier if we didn't work together because if he didn't see me every day it would be harder for him to make those contacts. I certainly would not be calling him or texting, we don't live near each other, etc. How do i go about slamming a door in the face of someone I have to look at 40 hours/week?

 

I know I set a poor precedent by my prior actions. Taking him back when he needed another fix from his mistress. And yes the whole relationship did wonders for both of our egos. Especially his.

 

What I really want is him, free of her. But I have no control over that and I know I must move on. I am 42 and I have two school age kids. Thoughts of him do keep me from being open to other relationships to some extent. Although I am also taking this breakup/alone time as an opportunity to focus on myself and my health, and my kids. Then when I feel "whole" again I will pursue a new relationship.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[PlanetJanet]

I don't think the problems in his marriage were all about a lack of sex. I was trying to not write a 10000 word post. They never did things together, she found his pursuits geeky and dull, their main activity together seemed to be watching movies.

 

He works a lot and is rarely home, I wondered why he didn't take his free time and invest it in his family, or cut back on his obligations to be with them? (and he was working, I know because his work is in the public eye and you can see him when he is at work). It almost seemed to me like he was avoiding time at home.

 

You know as I write all of this I begin to see how foolish I was. He told me that she was his soulmate, because they have the same goals and priorities. Liked the same kinds of houses. Dry stuff like that. And he told me that he "loves everyone;" he wouldn't say anymore (although he had in the past) that I meant something to him. My therapist told me that he was just trying to talk himself out of feeling anything for me.

 

I just wish he had said "I am done with you I have made my decision to go back." That would have been final. Instead he said "I am going home to give it one more try and that will lead to a resolution," meaning her or not her. And he has expressed impatience that it's taking so long. A month??

 

He said he has to figure out if he can live without certain things, things she does not offer him and will never offer him.

 

Anyway thanks to all of you, I hope to become a contributor although my other hope/intention is never to have experience with this particular relationship situation again.

[mourningMM]

Men know no time.

 

It could take him 20 years to decide it won't work, and then he could marry a 20 year old and have a second family.

 

YOU deserve more than the wait. Waiting even 1 minute for this guy is too much.

 

You are YOUNG compared to many women...really look at the demographics for Baby Boomers.

 

Get out there and DATE, have good clean fun with an available man who feeds your soul instead of your ego.

 

Be a role model for your children; show them a woman who they can be proud of.

 

Good luck.

[PlanetJanet]

Thank you, I wasn't going to wait by my phone. Believe me! It's possible that he will be leaving our office branch in the fall, and I am crossing my fingers because that will slam the door on him most effectively.

 

I have been looking for friends and new interests and ways to occupy my time. And you were right in what you said before, I would always be suspicious of my MM, even if he got a divorce and were "mine" because he was willing to do this behind his current wife's back. I do wonder how many lies he told me and how much of it was B.S.

 

You are giving me a lot of common sense advice and wisdom and I take much strength from it. Thank you.

[jj33]

Welcome to my world. Its been years and he does not take the hint. Cant buy a clue.

 

He likes being around you. He likes the way he feels when he is around you and the way you respond to him. No there is no sex anymore but you are still there and he can still get his fix of you by emailing etc and just knowing that you still care.

 

I have been unsuccessful at stopping it and I have tried everything. I got tougher very recently and am waiting to see if it works. Its difficult because you dont want to totally upset the work relationship but at the same time you need to protect your heart.

 

I know men and women are different but I think its VERY insensitive to say Im going back to my W but I want you to continue to be the same charming amusing loving woman you have always been -- from 9 til 5.

 

Its possible he doesnt realize how much it pains you. Or that he is hanging on because much as he is moving forward with his marriage, he misses you and does not want to lose his special connection to you.

 

The reasons do not matter. If you can find a way to just say no to snacks and everything else then you should. Tell him not to email you unless it is for business purposes.

 

It sounds harsh and it is awkward when you are in the same space with somone with whom you were so close.

 

Hang in there. You will get past this. I have learned to deal with it but every once in awhile it still gets to me. The difference is now I get angry instead of hurt. Im not his girlfriend anymore he should stop acting "as if".

[fooled once]

I don't think the problems in his marriage were all about a lack of sex. I was trying to not write a 10000 word post. They never did things together, she found his pursuits geeky and dull, their main activity together seemed to be watching movies.

 

He works a lot and is rarely home, I wondered why he didn't take his free time and invest it in his family, or cut back on his obligations to be with them? (and he was working, I know because his work is in the public eye and you can see him when he is at work). It almost seemed to me like he was avoiding time at home.

 

You know as I write all of this I begin to see how foolish I was. He told me that she was his soulmate, because they have the same goals and priorities. Liked the same kinds of houses. Dry stuff like that. And he told me that he "loves everyone;" he wouldn't say anymore (although he had in the past) that I meant something to him. My therapist told me that he was just trying to talk himself out of feeling anything for me.

 

I just wish he had said "I am done with you I have made my decision to go back." That would have been final. Instead he said "I am going home to give it one more try and that will lead to a resolution," meaning her or not her. And he has expressed impatience that it's taking so long. A month??

 

He said he has to figure out if he can live without certain things, things she does not offer him and will never offer him.

 

Anyway thanks to all of you, I hope to become a contributor although my other hope/intention is never to have experience with this particular relationship situation again.

 

He contradicts himself - or what he tells you - first they have nothing in common, then she is his soul mate and they have the same tastes.

 

he left the door open -- so you would wait for him -- you aren't his first choice, you are 2nd place if things don't work out with the wife.

[Devil Inside]

I was the MM in my recently ended A.

 

IMO there are a few reasons that he is still contacting you.

 

One, he may just have a really hard time disconnecting from you. I know that I was really good friends with my xOW. I always wonder about her. To this day I will have instances where something will happen, or I will see something that reminds me of her and I will get the urge to call her. I care about her and I wonder about her life all the time.

 

Two, he is keeping you emotionally hooked by calling you. He fears that if he completely disappears that you will move on. He wants to keep you as an option in case he and his wife do not work out.

 

Three, he feels guilty for not picking you and is talking to you to absolve his guilt.

 

Either way, I think that the reasons are all selfish. As a former MM I know how selfish the motives of an A are. Which leads you to make a decision for yourself...he is thinking about him, so when are you going to think about what is best for you.

 

You deserve a man that will make you number one. I would not talk to him anymore, unless he left his wife.

 

Good luck.

[PlanetJanet]

for the insights. I will say a few final things.

 

I think he is very confused, I don't think he has an agenda or manipulative motivations. I believe he is selfish but it's more because of his need for self-preservation. He has so many things on his plate right now, he just turned 40, is at a turning point in his career, then he met me and it lit a fire under his emotions and created yet another thing for him to confront and/or fix. I think he just got blindsided by what evolved between us, kind of like I did. Maybe I am naive but this is what my gut tells me.

 

I believe he still cares for me and know he is trying to keep the door open in case things don't work out with his wife. He doesn't want to lose the option, and I am OK with that, although I GUARANTEE I will not wait around or try to fix him or figure him out. I have spent too much time already in the past month, picking apart and over-analyzing every word he said or writes. Interpreting his actions or lack of them. Reaching out with some success, sometimes with none.

 

Yes I would be 'second choice' if it doesn't work out with his wife and he comes to me, but aren't we all a 2nd or 3rd or 27th choice? Unless you marry the first person you ever love and die with them, we all make more than one choice in our lives. Half of us get divorced, all of us have left a partner or been left by one.

 

From my own experience and what I've gleaned from other people, I know that leaving is not as easy as "hey I found someone who meets more of my needs, wife, so I am leaving you." There is a child, there is the dissolution of a long partnership, there are explanations to family, there is money and hurt feelings and all sorts of other ramifications to LEAVING. He told me once that he just wants everyone to be happy. Yet another fantasy he entertains. I reminded him that right now, nobody is happy. Not him, not the wife, not me. No one.

 

I will move on and build the life I want to have. I know that eventually the hurt and confusion will subside. Especially if one of us leaves the workplace. I realize he is a confused and selfish individual but he is doing the best he can with what he knows. I feel compassion for someone who is so muddled. But I am going to step up and take care of myself. I have to! I will try to cut it off completely with him next week, to be aloof and focused only on business. The weird thing is, he will register absolutely no reaction to my coldness. If it hurts him at all it will be on the inside.

 

If anything happens or changes I will let you know. Thanks again everyone.

[jj33]

 

I believe he still cares for me and know he is trying to keep the door open in case things don't work out with his wife. He doesn't want to lose the option, and I am OK with that, although I GUARANTEE I will not wait around or try to fix him or figure him out.

 

Janet I think you have a very realistic view of the situation and its early days. However so long as you are OK with him keeping the door open you are keeping yourself tethered to him emotionally.

 

There is a big difference between keeping the connection going while he figures things out and accepting that he has made this choice and thinking that possibly he may find his way back to you at some point in the future if the marriage does not work out.

 

Speaking from bitter experience all I can tell you is close the door to the extent that you possibly can (limit contact to work related issues on an as necessary basis). Otherwise you will be holding yourself back from your own life.

 

Good luck.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

You need to set boundaries, and he needs to abide by them. If he does not, you need to go to his superior, or leave the workplace.

 

Many of you know my situation, very similar to Janet's. My MM had no kids, and now he has no wife and no job because he didn't know how to keep it professional, and felt it would be too hard to work with me, so he resigned.

 

You have to HAVE TO keep it professional at all times. Do not give him any information about your personal life, and do not ask him or allow him to tell you about his.

 

If you cannot do this, then you know it's not over for you, and you are digging your own grave by not moving on. Things will only get worse if you can't make it clear to him that your job is now more important to you than his attention.

 

Your employer values you as an employee and will continue to do so IF you yourself keep things professional, meaning you remove yourself from any and all situations where he starts trying to suck you back in. If you want your employer to back you on this, you need to put your boundaries in writing and be very clear about it.

 

Remember the affair is over, and now this is about you and your job, not the MM.

[fooled once]

for the insights. I will say a few final things.

 

I think he is very confused, I don't think he has an agenda or manipulative motivations. I believe he is selfish but it's more because of his need for self-preservation. He has so many things on his plate right now, he just turned 40, is at a turning point in his career, then he met me and it lit a fire under his emotions and created yet another thing for him to confront and/or fix. I think he just got blindsided by what evolved between us, kind of like I did. Maybe I am naive but this is what my gut tells me.

 

I believe he still cares for me and know he is trying to keep the door open in case things don't work out with his wife. He doesn't want to lose the option, and I am OK with that, although I GUARANTEE I will not wait around or try to fix him or figure him out. I have spent too much time already in the past month, picking apart and over-analyzing every word he said or writes. Interpreting his actions or lack of them. Reaching out with some success, sometimes with none.

 

Yes I would be 'second choice' if it doesn't work out with his wife and he comes to me, but aren't we all a 2nd or 3rd or 27th choice? Unless you marry the first person you ever love and die with them, we all make more than one choice in our lives. Half of us get divorced, all of us have left a partner or been left by one.

 

From my own experience and what I've gleaned from other people, I know that leaving is not as easy as "hey I found someone who meets more of my needs, wife, so I am leaving you." There is a child, there is the dissolution of a long partnership, there are explanations to family, there is money and hurt feelings and all sorts of other ramifications to LEAVING. He told me once that he just wants everyone to be happy. Yet another fantasy he entertains. I reminded him that right now, nobody is happy. Not him, not the wife, not me. No one.

 

I will move on and build the life I want to have. I know that eventually the hurt and confusion will subside. Especially if one of us leaves the workplace. I realize he is a confused and selfish individual but he is doing the best he can with what he knows. I feel compassion for someone who is so muddled. But I am going to step up and take care of myself. I have to! I will try to cut it off completely with him next week, to be aloof and focused only on business. The weird thing is, he will register absolutely no reaction to my coldness. If it hurts him at all it will be on the inside.

 

If anything happens or changes I will let you know. Thanks again everyone.

 

You sound like so many OW in the first days after an affair has ended. You believe that he is truly conflicted, you can't begin to believe he just may have lied to you, you want to believe all the stuff he has told you. I do get that.

 

But marriages with children aren't that hard to end; and again, I speak from experience. I did it. I have many friends that did it. Heck, my H did it.

 

It is hard; but if you truly are not happy in a marriage, the answer is to get out.

 

What I meant about 2nd choice is that he will only come to you if he can't get his wife to keep him; if his wife tosses him out, then he will come to you. He isn't coming to you because he loves YOU; he is coming to you because his wife has told him get out.

 

Yes, we all may be someone's 2nd wife, 3rd wife, etc. But we become those because that is what both parties want.

 

I am a 2nd wife. I have a 2nd husband.

 

I am not a 2nd wife because my H couldn't work things out with his wife. We met years after his divorce. Same things with me - I met him 3 years after my marriage.

 

I wasn't ready after my divorce to jump right into another relationship; although I did and it wasn't healthy. It was an Affair.

 

I hope it does work out for you. But .... after seeing and reading so many stories like yours, I wouldn't bet my milk money on it happening.

[GypsyRayne]

He still contacts you beacuse he has to in some way make sure you are still avalible to him. That you still care. So if he decides to finally leave his M you will still be there.

 

I see in your post that you count a lot on one of you leaving your job, but he can still contact you, and probably will. I know a woman who was with a MM for awhile, they worked together, she broke up with him, he lost his job(not related), but he kept calling her, coming by her house, sort of like stalking her lol. He really had a W that was just as he told her, I know several people who know his W, even her family that say she is awful. He had every reason to choose the OW on that account, but he stayed with W, all the while hoping OW would be his too.

 

You need to move on for you. Not wait on him, even hope for him. I know it's hard. I have been there, I didn't do too well with the getting on with my life without him, but it would have been best for me at the time. For my children, even though I was there with them, I was preoccupied with MM. I look back now and I realize I could have been more availible to the kids if I wasn't always thinking, analyzing my R with MM.

 

I will tell you that the thought of him doing the same to you never goes away, it may get eaiser over time, but it never completely goes away.

[frannie]

The big break finally came about a month ago when he took my advice. He said he could not do this anymore, he had to go home and give things with his wife one more try. And then he would decide if he was going to stay with her, or go. In the past when he pulled away he'd come back within a week or so, one time it was 3 weeks. And I would take him back. THIS time I told him - don't come back to me until you are done with her. I don't want to be second best anymore.

 

...

 

Here is what confuses me and I wonder if you experienced readers have any experience with or thoughts about this? We work together. If I stay away from him and just do my work he will email me or ask if I want to go get a snack, etc. He asks about my personal life, he wonders if I am seeing anyone, etc. I give him vague and non-committal answers. He is not interested in coming back at this point, he said "I am still focusing on my goal at home" but yet he still wants to talk and email and see me, albeit at work.

 

What is he doing? He said we were done and I don't understand why he will not leave me alone. I don't want him back while he is still with his wife. He knows this. I told him to look me up when he is done and maybe I'll still be available.

 

I think he's doing what you let him do. If this upsets you, then it's up to you to tell him so. Decide what level of communication you want from him, and then tell him that and make sure it sticks.

 

I highly doubt he's working on anything at home, or that he will one day come to some clear-cut decision and make a break to leave. Not because he prefers his W, or whatever, but just because after reading here so long and having my own experiences with a MM, I just don't think that kind of planning and clean execution happens other than perhaps once in a blue moon. And certainly not in any timely manner. And usually after the OW has run out of patience anyway.

 

However, I also don't believe that cutting off all communication OR simply sticking to professional exchanges would necessarily change the way you or he feel about the other (or necessarily sharpen his senses!). Again, speaking from experience (and I know others feel differently on this), the feelings don't just go away simply because contact is cut.

 

On the whole, looking at what this MM has said to you in the past, I have to say he doesn't sound like someone who wanted ONLY you (or only his W, for that matter). He sounds like someone who is fairly adept at compartmentalising in order to get his needs met, but prone to enough guilt that he will stop and do what he thinks is 'right'... but only so far as not indulging in a full-blown affair, which is why you're getting the 'let's not do this' at the same time as he's acting as if you're far more than friends...

 

... that way he gets to feel close enough to you, while easing his guilt.

 

Now, if you're OK with that, then you have nothing to worry about. But I would certainly view it in that light rather than imagining you're giving him time to work out what he wants and hoping for a timely and absolute resolution of 'her or me'.

 

This is all simply my opinion, obviously! Good luck.

[PlanetJanet]

This is my first post since September, about this situation. MM was a coworker. We had an intense year long relationship that was punctuated with him having fits of guilt and staying away. On again off again. MM left our workplace at the end of December. Between Sept-Dec 2009, we saw each other a few times intimately and it was wonderful and fun. Of course then he would get guilty and stay away. He talked about us continuing to see each other after he left our job. But it never happened.

 

A few weeks ago we had a long talk about what happened and what the future is going to look like. That is points 1-5 below:

 

1. he is committed to his marriage and will not leave. He credited me for getting his marriage back on track and changing his life. Oh yay, where's my medal?

 

2. If she died he would want to be with me. And if he couldn't have me, he would not look for anyone else. To him I was a "one and only." HA!

 

3. he still loves me and thinks about me all the time

 

4. he doesn't see me because he is afraid of what he might do. And he knows I wouldn't refuse his advances. He enjoys time together but cannot handle the guilt. Being unfaithful (suddenly) doesn't fit his idea of what a married man should be.

 

5. After he left the job, without the daily reminder of me, it became easier for him to give me up

 

 

ANYWAY the upshot is, he still wants to be "friends." He texts me at least once a week, even calls sometimes. I do not text, except I did wish him a happy birthday. I do not call. We talked about getting together in public venues like for dinner or something. But obviously it has not happened. I have taken the silent approach. I used to be the one that pursued and called and flirted. Now I do pretty much nothing.

 

There is no future in any "affair" sense of the word. There is just his desire to be friends. I asked him why he wants that and he said because he cares about me as a person, enjoys our conversations, and likes my insights/opinions. Ironically before he left after that talk, we messed around some. Although he said that if I had not suggested it, he would have just gone home. Predictably he had a good time but guilt got him a few days later and he is distant again. Except for the texts every few days.

 

Is it normal for someone to hang on in this fashion? I figured a man who ended an affair to go home and be a good boy, would cut things off with the OW. After all there is so much history, intimacy is off the table, he made his choice, what is he hanging on for?

 

His wife sees my number on the phone bills. She knows we talk. She asks about me, but has never openly confronted him about what happened. I am sure she suspects he had an affair with me. Does he have no regard for her feelings?

 

And what about my feelings? I cannot believe that I continue talking to him. Some days it feels good to just talk about his new job, or kids, or gossip from work. Other days I look at my phone when his text arrives and I get this awkward feeling in the pit of my stomach.

 

He always seems so happy and chipper. I am still sitting here struggling and still feeling the loss. He has bopped on with life like nothing happened. I resent that he is so unfazed.

 

I don't even know why I am writing this except that sometimes it helps to look at your thoughts on paper. In the back of my mind I think that if I just stay silent he will slink away like a weasel, he will never ask me what's wrong or step up to really pursue anything that looks like a friendship.

 

I am fighting the urge to rat him out to his wife. I justify it nobly, saying that she has the right to know what he did so she can make informed choices about her own life. But underneath it is my true desire, which is to make him suffer as much as I did. I asked him where is his pain, his loss, and he said "it's in there." But damned if I have ever seen it.

 

He told me he would give me as much space as I want. He has already agreed to stay away from any function thrown by (his former) coworkers, who still invite him to things. In some ways I want the space, but there are days when I enjoy talking to him. Those are the days that I accept he is gone, but just appreciate him as a person. He is quite attentive and caring. Makes it even harder for me.

 

And sometimes when I think about just telling him to back off, I get afraid that if I leave for a while and then come back, he won't be there. In any way. I feel so messed up this morning.

 

I really want to know if anyone out there has ever seen or done this before, a married partner who broke it off but wanted to keep an ongoing, albeit physically distant, relationship. Who wanted to talk and share and laugh and act like you've been friends for years. What is the motivation?

 

Thanks.

[jj33]

Ill tell you what a counselor told me - am in your same situation 2 years further down the line. I could have written the same last post as I wonder the same thing.

 

She said he wants to stay married (at this moment) but he isnt committed to making his marriage better - if he were fully engaged in his marriage he would cut off all but essential contact.

 

Hes not doing that. He wants a net in case he changes his mind. I find that to be SO insulting. Whether or not they know how painful it is for us I dont know.

 

Its a testament to the fact that yes it was something special (because lets face it they could flirt with anyone and if you didnt really care for an xmistress youd stay as far away as possible).

 

But in terms of any future action on their part? Meaningless.

 

Im sorry you are going through this I know how much misery it causes.

[PlanetJanet]

I don't think that he is angling for a FWB situation. I think he would be fine with NO sex but if I offer it, he will not say no. Then again when I wanted to have the talk I offered to meet him in a public place but he said he'd come to my house. So he made it VERY possible for things to happen.

 

And ever since that last get together he has backed away again, just texting, no phone calls. I think he does it because it's too tempting to be around me.

 

But I am coming to my senses, really I am. Today I blocked his number on my phone. Because I realized that every time I get a text from him it starts me on a cycle of ruminating and feeling bad. If I block him then there is zero chance of hearing from him. He's not gonna show up on my doorstep.

 

And yes all of my friends agree that he is hanging onto me as a safety net. I doubt his wife will throw him out, she doesn't work FT and doesn't drive, she is somewhat dependent on him in those ways. They have a kid and a comfortable enough life. She asked him about me but never confronted him or forced him to answer. I bet she suspects but doesn't want to know the truth.

 

My therapist says he keeps coming around because I give him love the way his wife doesn't (she is very different than I), I treat him better and he likes feeling good. But he is used to his life with her and too lazy to do the work of getting out of the marriage.

 

I just didn't think that ex-lovers would hang on. I do know that I am very special to him, and he cares about me. But so what? What does it get me in the long run? Not much other than a hard lesson learned. Thank you all!

[2sunny]

he comes around because YOU let him.

 

he contacts because YOU let him.

 

he leads you to believe he is involved because YOU let him.

 

he occupies space in your heart and head and life because YOU let him.

 

do YOU see a pattern here?

 

nothing changes unless YOU change it! set a boundary - one that gives YOU a future that looks happy, healthy and safe. it looks like it would never include this MM... he has told you time and again that YOU are not his priority and you continue to show him that this is good enough or YOU.

 

why is it good enough when YOU deserve more than a man that is unavailable and is willing to state that he sees you out of his own selfishness?

 

YOU can change that... tell him NO MORE! then start getting busy living a life that looks happy.

[PlanetJanet]

Thank you for that comment: "start living a life that looks happy." My therapist has even told me to FAKE IT 'TIL YOU MAKE IT and put on a smile and fill my life with other thoughts and activities. And eventually he will fade away.

 

I took a positive step today and blocked his number from my phone. He is not one to show up on my doorstep so this should end the contact. I did this because I realized that every text, no matter how benign, put me back on the roller coaster of feeling hurt and loss. Even if this is just temporary NC it will be interesting to see how it feels. So far I feel sort of "safe" - I know he cannot intrude into my life.

 

I completely agree with the poster who commented that my MM is not fully committed to his marriage. He is not. He just accepts it because it's good enough, and he is happy enough, and it's easier. He actually TOLD ME THIS. That he doesn't want to do the hard work of getting out, or making it better. His wife threw him some lovin' she became more open to him, and that is enough.

 

I still believe this man cares for me. We had something special between us, still do. I think that is part of why he didn't disconnect 100%. He is not just a cold lying fish who uses me. He has genuine feelings for me. Yes I know it doesn't mean anything and it's not going to change the trajectory of our future. But sometimes I feel like so much potential was wasted. I'll never know if it would have worked or if we would have gone down in flames. I will never know.

 

Oh well. Thanks everyone.

[PlanetJanet]

OOPS sorry for the repeat of the info about blocking the phone number!

[2sunny]

Thank you for that comment: "start living a life that looks happy." My therapist has even told me to FAKE IT 'TIL YOU MAKE IT and put on a smile and fill my life with other thoughts and activities. And eventually he will fade away.

 

I took a positive step today and blocked his number from my phone. He is not one to show up on my doorstep so this should end the contact. I did this because I realized that every text, no matter how benign, put me back on the roller coaster of feeling hurt and loss. Even if this is just temporary NC it will be interesting to see how it feels. So far I feel sort of "safe" - I know he cannot intrude into my life.

 

I completely agree with the poster who commented that my MM is not fully committed to his marriage. He is not. He just accepts it because it's good enough, and he is happy enough, and it's easier. He actually TOLD ME THIS. That he doesn't want to do the hard work of getting out, or making it better. His wife threw him some lovin' she became more open to him, and that is enough.

 

I still believe this man cares for me. We had something special between us, still do. I think that is part of why he didn't disconnect 100%. He is not just a cold lying fish who uses me. He has genuine feelings for me. Yes I know it doesn't mean anything and it's not going to change the trajectory of our future. But sometimes I feel like so much potential was wasted. I'll never know if it would have worked or if we would have gone down in flames. I will never know.

 

Oh well. Thanks everyone.

 

why is it always about how HE feels?

 

who cares about how HE feels? this is about YOU right?

 

so stop worrying about him and start worrying about YOU!

 

you think too much about HIM - much more than YOU think about your OWN well being. you can only worry about you - and what YOU are and aren't willing to accept in your daily life. if it isn't a decision that will lead to further happiness - say NO.

 

this will immediately start to make things better and different for YOU.

 

 

it is now time to start thinking about HOW happy is going to look for YOU.

 

get busy living or get busy dying.

[jj33]

Janet blocking the texts was a great move. You are taking back your power.

 

You already know this but its REALLY important that you dont offer him sex and that if he wants it you say no.

 

My reasons?

 

1. He is married and despite the past he has told you its uncomfortable for him. Im not sure what is worse, coming onto an xlover and being turned down, or having him go along because it was offered and then pulling back. Neither one feels good. Also it undermines anything you say about agreeing that you want him to work on his marriage (which really means you want him to work on it realize its going nowhere and leave - lack of cahones stops them in my view)

 

2. Offering him or agreeing to mess around messes with your head. You know what you want (you want your relationship to fulfil its potential)

 

You dont want to be the OW - or something he did because he lost control or couldnt resist. You want to be the woman in his life - dont put yourself in a position where you are anything else.

 

Youve been there done that. He knows what he is missing. Its a question of whether he is going to do the soul searching and decides he wants happiness iwth you more than the comfort of the status quo

[PlanetJanet]

Thanks jj33

 

Knowing him he will not do any soul-searching. He has no cajones really, and would not do what it takes to either fix the marriage and make it healthy, or leave it.

 

Previously he told me that if she had continued cutting him off/out, he was going to leave her. I think she has thrown him the smallest of crumbs which he takes as a sign of interest. He said "at least now i know she hasn't given up on me" and that is enough for him to stay. So I asked him "what will you do if she cuts you off again" and he says that he prefers to think that things are going to stay good between them. He doesn't think about the negative.

 

I have never cut off contact with him 100% before. There were brief periods where I told him to keep his distance and he did. Said he was sad, but complied. Even now I am not thrilled with my choice and i wonder if i did it more to see if he will miss me, to see how long it will be before he sends me an email or calls me at work, even to ask why his calls are not going through. Or will he just take the block as a rejection and slink away.

 

In posting this I was trying moreso to find out if this is unusual, if MMs (or MWs) will end the affair and still try to maintain contact. And what for.

 

And YES I am trying to think about myself and my feelings. It took a lot of therapy and work but I am finally trying to put efforts toward my own needs. Until recently i never would ask "what's in this for ME!" That is a new focus for me. I don't see a lot in it for ME in this current relationship. He is happy and bops along, like nothing happened. I am sad and conflicted and confused.