conehead Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I dated my bf for 9 months and things were going very well until the following. I started having second thoughts about sexual acts and started pulling away, which my bf felt and he started acting unaffectionate. Finally after 2 weeks of that I told him I want to stop the sexual acts we were doing and wait until marriage for it. He said he thinks sex is an important part of a relationship and that I wasn’t making any sense. 1.5 weeks later he broke up with me. He said the sex issue had nothing to do with the breakup, and that it was a very small part of it. He said he just didn’t feel it was there. He said his feelings for me were very strong in the beginning but that it stopped growing over the last few months. His feelings for me didn’t necessarily diminish, but that it just hit a lull and he felt the relationship stopped growing for him. He didn’t feel we’d work out long term. I kind of pressured him to be more specific as to why he feels that way. He emphasized that it wasn’t the sex issue, but that one among a few things about me that bothered him was that he thinks I’m very paranoid about safety, etc and that reminds him of his mom and he doesn’t like to be around that (ouch!). He said that was the main part of why his feelings probably stopped growing. He again said it’s not the sex and didn’t want me to think that. And I asked him why would it matter if I thought that and he said because he doesn’t want people to think he’s a rotten jerk. I said even if it was the sex that wouldn’t make you a rotten jerk because it’s just another form of incompatibility. He didn’t comment on that. Do you think he was being honest? I guess I will never know for sure the true reasons for the breakup and it doesn’t matter in the scheme of things, but would a guy breakup with a girl because of the sex but not want to admit to it? Or was it just a coincidence he broke up with me soon after I rejected him sexually.
likestolaugh Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 no guy (or girl) wants to be rejected sexually. Even if he didn't tell you this, it was a large part of why he broke up with you. (and yes, I read about the situation when you originally posted about it)
xXMarlboro_ManXx Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 If everything was going fine before you mentioned to him that you stopped wanting to be intimate then he probably broke up with you because of the non sex. Only you know the answer to that. From an outside perspective the "wait till marriage" comment would be alarming to me. Were you guys actually talking about marriage? Cause if not that would be a huge red flag to me especially if you guys were intimate before. It would make me think that I was doing something wrong or there might be something about you that ain't all there. No offense but if you guys are intimate for 8 months then you all of a sudden say I want to wait till marriage it would be really weird to me.
MSUE Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 wake up sista...it is because of the sex...every R needs intimacy and you were having sex and being intimate and out of the blue stopped...if you didn't want to have sex you should have told him before you gave it up... BTW have you posted this previously? about 2-3 weeks ago there was an almost identical scenario...girl came up with cultural reasons as of the why
Jersey Shortie Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Yeah, it was so about the sex. But major kudos to you for standing by what you truly believe in. It takes a strong woman to do that! You will find a man that will accept and want to fulfill your needs and once you meet that man, you will thank your ex for doing you a favor. That isn't to say your ex is a bad guy...but you know what I am saying.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I dated my bf for 9 months and things were going very well until the following. I started having second thoughts about sexual acts and started pulling away, which my bf felt and he started acting unaffectionate. Finally after 2 weeks of that I told him I want to stop the sexual acts we were doing and wait until marriage for it. He said he thinks sex is an important part of a relationship and that I wasn’t making any sense. 1.5 weeks later he broke up with me. He said the sex issue had nothing to do with the breakup, and that it was a very small part of it. He said he just didn’t feel it was there. He said his feelings for me were very strong in the beginning but that it stopped growing over the last few months. His feelings for me didn’t necessarily diminish, but that it just hit a lull and he felt the relationship stopped growing for him. He didn’t feel we’d work out long term. I kind of pressured him to be more specific as to why he feels that way. He emphasized that it wasn’t the sex issue, but that one among a few things about me that bothered him was that he thinks I’m very paranoid about safety, etc and that reminds him of his mom and he doesn’t like to be around that (ouch!). He said that was the main part of why his feelings probably stopped growing. He again said it’s not the sex and didn’t want me to think that. And I asked him why would it matter if I thought that and he said because he doesn’t want people to think he’s a rotten jerk. I said even if it was the sex that wouldn’t make you a rotten jerk because it’s just another form of incompatibility. He didn’t comment on that. Do you think he was being honest? I guess I will never know for sure the true reasons for the breakup and it doesn’t matter in the scheme of things, but would a guy breakup with a girl because of the sex but not want to admit to it? Or was it just a coincidence he broke up with me soon after I rejected him sexually. I don't get the safety comment safe as in sexually or as in don't run across the street with a blind fold on? I think its kind of odd you had sex with him for 8 months and then decide you want to wait for marriage why? The deeds been done so to speak I think the lack of sex all of a sudden plus the odd explanation from you is why he broke it off it prob sounded like a excuse to him.
Author conehead Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 Judging from everyone's post, it seems that sex was a big part of the breakup. If that was the case, why didn't he tell me the truth? Is it expected that guys will tell me it's not because of the sex even it if is? I think I would have felt better about the breakup if it was just because of the sexual incompatibiltiy. But the fact that he said it was other stuff, especially stuff like he think my so called paranoia reminds him of his mom's, really hurts me on a personal level. No previous bf has made that comment before. But I guess what hurts the most is that my uncle died mid july, just 2 days after I started pulling away physically. My bf came to visit me (its an LDR) 2 weeks after that and right when I saw him I gave him a birthday card thanking him for being there for me and my family during such difficult times. But for the rest of the weekend was when he first started acting really unaffecionate and jerkish at times towards me, even though that was the first time I saw him in person right after my uncle's death. We still didn't even have my uncle's funeral yet at the time. I was very hurt, but didn't say anything to him about it. I told him our chinese mourning period doesn't end until sept 6 when we'd have the final cereomny for my uncle, and I had wanted him to visit me again that weekend to be there for me. But he broke up with me 2 weeks before that ceremony. I guess that just adds to the hurt for me.
Author conehead Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 And oh to clarify, I"ve never had sex with him before and want to wait until marriage for that. We did other sexual stuff though. But I said I also want to stop the other sexual stuff that we've been doing too until marriage. I don't blame him for breaking up with me for it. But I wonder why if thats the case he didn't just tell me the truth? Will guys really be deemed a jerk if they breakup with someone for that reason? Personally I won't hold that against him, but maybe to the general public that is deemed jerkish? Dunno.
Jersey Shortie Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 He had it in his head that he was the bad guy for breaking up with you because of sex. You weren't going to change that view no matter how many times you said you just wanted the honesty. That was what he, internally believed of himself. I mean, there very well could have been other reasons he felt you two weren't a good match. But I suspect that the sex was part of it. And he didn't want to be teh bad guy.
anne1707 Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Couple no 1 - she makes it clear from the start where her boundaries are in terms of sex. He knows where he stands and can make a decision before either become heavily involved with the other. Not a problem. Couple no 2 - they are physically close in a sexual way for several months. The man has understandably assumed that this is a part of the relationship and it matters to him. She then turns round and says that is not part of the deal any more. Of course he feels let down, confused, betrayed. Problem. Whilst I totally accept that you should not be intimate with a man unless you feel comfortable and happy with the situation, not every man will have the same boundaries as you. Plus you were once close with this man hence your physical withdrawal is rejection as far as he is concerned. I know this is tough but this is a lesson that you need to learn. Be very clear on what you want and expect from a relationship and don't let a future partner think that more is on offer (for want of a better word) until you feel comfortable.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 It seams you come from a kind of traditional Chinese family? maybe he didn't think he would fit in the long term? I don't know just an idea there not that theres anything wrong with culturally mixed relationships. Don't get me wrong but they don't always blend as well as we would like them to. Hes a man lets face it Hun it was about mostly the sexual issues he prob didn't want people to think less of him. And if he was honest perhaps he was afraid you would have spilled the beans and he would in fact end up looking like a sex obsessed jerk who broke your heart I dunno again just a guess there. I didn't reaslise you hadn't actually had sex with him yet sorry for the confusion that said. I think its going to be kind of hard for you to find a guy in these times who's going to be on the exact same page as you far as the marriage thing. I can see abstaining from actual intercourse sure fair enough but lets face it how many guys are going to want to go home and spank the monkey all the time while they have a gf? might be something you want to think about..
Die Hard Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Me personally, if I were seeing a girl with whom I'd been intimate with in some way, repeatedly, and then she said she wanted to stop until marriage, I'd be worried that she were trying to use sex to get me to marry her. Not at all saying this is what you were doing! The mind plays funny tricks though and this possibility would have went through my head. Just another reason why you need to be upfront regarding these issues from the start of a R. I bet he still does not truly understand why you cut out all physical intimacy and he probably still speculates in his mind about it the same way you're speculating as to why he broke up with you.
MSUE Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I dated my bf for 9 months and things were going very well until the following. I started having second thoughts about sexual acts and started pulling away, which my bf felt and he started acting unaffectionate. Finally after 2 weeks of that I told him I want to stop the sexual acts we were doing and wait until marriage for it. He said he thinks sex is an important part of a relationship and that I wasn’t making any sense. 1.5 weeks later he broke up with me. He said the sex issue had nothing to do with the breakup, and that it was a very small part of it. He said he just didn’t feel it was there. He said his feelings for me were very strong in the beginning but that it stopped growing over the last few months. His feelings for me didn’t necessarily diminish, but that it just hit a lull and he felt the relationship stopped growing for him. He didn’t feel we’d work out long term. I kind of pressured him to be more specific as to why he feels that way. He emphasized that it wasn’t the sex issue, but that one among a few things about me that bothered him was that he thinks I’m very paranoid about safety, etc and that reminds him of his mom and he doesn’t like to be around that (ouch!). He said that was the main part of why his feelings probably stopped growing. He again said it’s not the sex and didn’t want me to think that. And I asked him why would it matter if I thought that and he said because he doesn’t want people to think he’s a rotten jerk. I said even if it was the sex that wouldn’t make you a rotten jerk because it’s just another form of incompatibility. He didn’t comment on that. Do you think he was being honest? I guess I will never know for sure the true reasons for the breakup and it doesn’t matter in the scheme of things, but would a guy breakup with a girl because of the sex but not want to admit to it? Or was it just a coincidence he broke up with me soon after I rejected him sexually. OK I WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!! It is you!!! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198151/ there are some contradictions going on though...why would you create the same thread a month later when you already asked and you got tons of replies and most people came to the conclusion that yes it is the sex thing...if you are looking for different answers i don't think you are going to get them. I'm really dying for you to answer this one...why are you doing this whole thread all over again? you had 165 replies...what kind of answer then do you really want this time around? YOU NEED TO GET OVER THIS...IT ALL COMES DOWN TO...THE SEX THING
Author conehead Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 OK I WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!! It is you!!! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198151/ there are some contradictions going on though...why would you create the same thread a month later when you already asked and you got tons of replies and most people came to the conclusion that yes it is the sex thing...if you are looking for different answers i don't think you are going to get them. I'm really dying for you to answer this one...why are you doing this whole thread all over again? you had 165 replies...what kind of answer then do you really want this time around? YOU NEED TO GET OVER THIS...IT ALL COMES DOWN TO...THE SEX THING I'm writing this thread because I thought it was the sex thing too, but when we broke up weeks ago nothing was said. But me and my ex talked for the first time on Tuesday after the breakup and he insisted it had nothing to do with the sex. That is why I'm writing this thread. Because of that conversation I had with him days ago. You wrote in caps above that 'IT ALL COMES DOWN TO...THE SEX THING' which is what I thought too. But my ex denies it. Do you think he was not telling me the entire truth? If he had said he broke up with me because of the sex, then there wouldn't be this thread. But he insists that it's not the sex. I'm having a hard time believing, esp after reading all these responses.
CLC2008 Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I think the important question here is, what prompted your decision to refrain from sexual intimacy with your boyfriend after being in a relationship together for 9 months?
MSUE Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I think the important question here is, what prompted your decision to refrain from sexual intimacy with your boyfriend after being in a relationship together for 9 months? check the link for the thread I posted above...basically it came down to "culture" but the culture was there prior to the relationship and i guess she was feeling very uncomfortable ...too long to explain in one post though...just check it out when you get a chance...it'll help you understand this better
Author conehead Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 I bet he still does not truly understand why you cut out all physical intimacy and he probably still speculates in his mind about it the same way you're speculating as to why he broke up with you. Perhaps that is the case. And why I speculate and posted this thread is because I guess I really do want to know his reasons for breaking up with me. I have to say I'd much prefer it if it WAS the sex issue. Because the reaons my ex told me are much more hurtful and personal. My gut tells me the breakup was a result of the combination of both the sex issue (which I think makes up around 70% of it) and the rest of the stuff he doesn't like about me (which makes up about 30%). But based on what my ex said, the sex was just 2% of it and the other reasons made up 98% of it.
boogieboy Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Perhaps that is the case. And why I speculate and posted this thread is because I guess I really do want to know his reasons for breaking up with me. I have to say I'd much prefer it if it WAS the sex issue. Because the reaons my ex told me are much more hurtful and personal. My gut tells me the breakup was a result of the combination of both the sex issue (which I think makes up around 70% of it) and the rest of the stuff he doesn't like about me (which makes up about 30%). But based on what my ex said, the sex was just 2% of it and the other reasons made up 98% of it. When you cut out the intimacy, you moved the relationship BACKWARDS when he wanted to move FORWARDS. So in his mind, maybe hes thinking theres no point to going to see you if he cant even touch you. If theres no intimacy, theres no reason to drive the long distance, you might as well stick to webcam. He probably can easily find a local woman who is into him and doesnt play games. He also lies about the sex so he can keep you on the hook.
Author conehead Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 For posters who are commenting on my DECISION to stop the sexual stuff and with WHY I do it, that is not really the point of this thread. We've already gone through all of this in previous threads. The point of this thread really points to my wondering of the honesty of my ex bf when he broke up with me. You know, I've come to the conclusion that he was too coward to admit to breaking up with me mainly due to the sex issue. Not to say he didn't find other areas of our relationship where he was not super peachy with, but I don't think he can actually say that the sex had nothing to do with it. I wish he'd spare me the hurt by telling me that then by attributing the breakup entirely to other things that were more hurtful on a deeply personal level. But he's human. So I understand that he didn't want to admit to it. That being said, he's lied to me twice in the past and I was stupid enough to let them go. So I guess this is another learning experience for me -- avoid dating liars
anne1707 Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Conehead I do not know the full history of your relationship but I think it is only fair to your ex to remember that in some ways you contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. Sexual intimacy had formed part of your relationship and then you chose to "shut down" that aspect. Your boyfriend quite possibly felt hurt and rejected by that. He also possibly felt that you were using this to pressurise him into marriage. I'm sure he could have handled the split better but I also think you need to consider how you could have dealt with this better.
Author conehead Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 Conehead I do not know the full history of your relationship but I think it is only fair to your ex to remember that in some ways you contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. Sexual intimacy had formed part of your relationship and then you chose to "shut down" that aspect. Your boyfriend quite possibly felt hurt and rejected by that. He also possibly felt that you were using this to pressurise him into marriage. I'm sure he could have handled the split better but I also think you need to consider how you could have dealt with this better. I know what you mean, and I understand that I made a mistake in this relationship, which was starting the sexual intimacy part of it but then realizing it was a mistake that I started in the first place. But the entire time, I've been honest with my then bf. I never once lied to him. I guess you can say another issue with our relationship was that I was never able to fully trust him (because he's lied to me twice). I think it was also very hurtful that he chose to show his true colors and treat me poorly right after my uncle's death even before his funeral and the mourning period for him is over...I just feel like my ex was so heartless. So all in all, I agree that we weren't right for each other. Out of all my exes, he's the only one I thought was heartless and not exactly a good person and I'm mainly disappointed in myself for having been with him. With my previous exes they were all good people, just that things didn't work out for whatever reasons and I always left the relationship with a sense of loss. But with my current ex I don't feel like there was a sense of loss at all. Yes, I do miss him at times, but that is quickly overshadowed by his lies and heartlessness. Perhpas I'm going through the anger stage of grief, I dunno.
Author conehead Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 ok LSers thanks for everyone's input, im gonna get off this board for some time to clear my head. I've come to terms with why we broke up thanks for everyon'es insights and I'm over and done with it. Thank you all. I'm going to get back on track with my life now
hoping2heal Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Why couldn't he be honest and tell you that? For the same reason a guy won't tell a girl he's ending the relationship because she cut all her hair off, or put on weight. For the same reason a girl won't tell a guy she's breaking up with him because he's lost his job. They don't want to seem shallow or like jerks. THAT said, people who will completely end the relationship and not attempt to understand where you're coming from, why you want to wait, etc. were never really that invested in YOU to begin with, so really you saved yourself some time. It doesn't make sense that you were together 9 months, and out of the blue your alleged paranoia started bothering him, I'm sure it was because of sex and again, so what? You at least realised the guy wasn't that into you and who knows if he ever would of been if after 9 months he wasn't invested enough to hear you out, understand you, and reach a middle ground vs. dumping the relationship.
oceanbeauty Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Yes, I think it was about the sex too!!!! Either he felt rejected by your and/or he simply wants a girlfriend so he can have SEX! When I was a virgin, I had several boyfriends break-up with me because I wouldn't have sex with them. A few admitted it was because of my refusal to sex, and a few others denied it was about sex but their guy friends later told that sex was the reason their friend broke up with me.
Enema Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 He again said it’s not the sex and didn’t want me to think that. And I asked him why would it matter if I thought that and he said because he doesn’t want people to think he’s a rotten jerk. Definitely the sex thing. The above line of his is pretty telling. He thinks if he admits it was about sex, people might think he's shallow.
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