missn Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 just the other day my wife told me that she loves me but is not in love with me, we have been married for 3 years and i never seen this coming, we have 2 young children and just bought our first house together. niether one of us has ever cheated or felt the need to, our sex life has been great up untill she said this to me. when i asked her how long she felt this way she said about a year. she is a stay a home mom and just reciently got a job driving school bus so she can take take the kids with her, she say's she wants to try and work it through and has agree to go to a marriage counciller, so it seems good but i am scared becausei love her so much that i cant lose her, and tonight she is out on a girls night and i can do nothing but think the wrong things like she wont want tocome back thanks to any replys
LisaUk Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Hi The fact she is willing to go MC is positive. Have a look at the dicorce busting website (google it), the first chapter is free online and talks about how to choose the right MC. It's really important you get someone who is focused on the couple and not the individual so choose wisely. Has your wife said why she is unhappy? This is a stressful time, try not to think the worst, like I said she is willing to go MC and that shows she is wanting to work on the marriage with you. Lots of us here were just left without warning and in my case without explanation, the fact she hasn't done this or ask for a seperation all sound positive. Keep posting.
lupa Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Ok, let me be the first to say it: TAKE A BREATH, CALM DOWN. Emotional reaction will kill the whole thing. You have it good that she is willing to go to marriage counseling. Now, you have time...take your time. I'd keep an eye out for questionable things, but do not freak out, just yet. Find the Relationship 180, read it, understand it. Good luck, brother.
Author missn Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 its hard not to think the worst when the woman you love says they are not in love with you anymore but im trying i wanted her to go out because part of the problem might be that we dont do anything because we have small kids so i just wanted her to feel like a woman again and go out with friends
LisaUk Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 relationship 180? It's also on the divorce busting website. I know it's hard to stay calm given what your w has said, but for now it is ESSENTIAL that you do and you don't pressure her, beg, plead etc, all the things those of us here were left without warning have done. But like I said, you are not in that position, by suggesting MC she is saying she wants things to work out. If she has given you any reasons for her unhappiness, you need to start thinking about those and how you can address them. Remember that actions speak louder than words, so simply telling her you will change will do no good, you must actually implement change.
Author missn Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 she has never given me a reason she just said she was not "in" love with me anymore, i took her on a date last night andit seemed great and she said she had a good time but what i relly need to k s how to stop myself from thinking the worst, its killing me because my last relationship ended after 8 years because of the same words
PlanetJanet Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I agree with everyone here who has said that you should go to counseling. And you should take her willingness to go to counseling, as a good thing. I was married for 14 years. Our emotional, man/woman connection disintegrated and I felt like he was withdrawn from me emotionally. we had two small kids and were were both very tired. Problems came to a head a few times over the years, and I kept telling my husband that there were problems and we needed to work on them. He didn't seem to take me seriously. In fact he didn't take me seriously until I told him I was leaving. Then he agreed to go to counseling, where he told me that he thought women were flaky and didn't know what they wanted, and that is why he never took my concerns seriously. Just listen carefully to what your wife says in counseling. You have a great chance of fixing things if she is willing to talk and a third party can help you talk more effectively to one another. And I will put out one thought - you said your last relationship ended after 8 years, with the same words. Is there some common thread that you can see between the two relationships? Did that partner ever tell you what went wrong? Maybe it's something you can identify and correct in time to save your marriage. Good luck to you.
EcstasyX6 Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 could there be someone else? You haven't been married that long. Interesting that she's saying that. You're practically still newlyweds.
singledad2 Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I would think she is giving MC a chance is a wonderful thing. Now you just need to make the most of it. The young children are the most important thing for you guys to consider. There is a book called "love and respect" and I think you both should read it. I think it would have saved my marriage. There are things you may be doing that don't make her feel loved. Its not what you intend, its what is percieved by her. Does she make you feel respected? Hopefully there is not a spiraling cycle going on that is heading where I ended up. I will pray for you, your wife, and the children to make it through this.
LisaUk Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Usually the old "love you, but not in love with you" line is given when there is someone else. Perhaps that is what happened in your previous 8 year relationship? I don't think that's what is going on with your wife though as she would not be willing to go MC I don't think. I think you need to find a good MC that focuses on the couple and talk through why she feels as she does. Only when you know where it has gone wrong for her will you be able to resolve it and rebuild the intimacy.
floridapad Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I got the same I love you but not in love with you, wife was having an affair, but did not want to go to MC. Definately a good sign that she wants to go to MC. Be very careful of controlling your emotions during this time. It's hard to do, but if you start becoming a blubbering "I love you" guy like I became it will only serve to push her away. Now is the time to reflect on why you think she fell in love with you to begin with. What has changed about YOU since then. If you dig real hard you will find something. Gotta dig real hard though. Are you two getting caught up in the kids too much and not doing date night. This is a MUST. My wife and I rarely did it and focused way too much on raising a "family" that we neglected the marriage. I've heard somewhere that priorities in a family are 1) God first (if you are religious) 2) marriage second 3) children third and 4) self last. A happy marriage and a happy family makes for a happy self. That is why self is last. Good luck and DON't PANIC. Try to be cool ( I know easier said than done) but do alot of reading. His needs her needs, men are from mars etc the usual stuff. You will learn alot. But whatever you do DON'T PANIC. She will sense your actions and have complete control in the relationship.
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