EmptyPromises Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 my ex and i were together for a year and a half. we broke up in may because i couldnt trust him. i found texts to other girls on his phone. when we were dating it was extremely unhealthy, name calling no trust or respect. we spent 3 months apart..i had started to move on and started to see another guy. hadn't heard from my ex in about 3 weeks when , of course, he comes running back. he begged me and i finally agreed to see him .for the past month we have been trying to work on things and get back together. the first week everything was great. he wanted to hangout all the time , said cute things, etc. then the last 3 weeks i feel like i have to beg him to hangout. weve been fighting everyday. i get called every name in the book. my stomach literally hurts from anxiety and worry and i just feel depressed. i love him but i dont trust him and dont see it working. last night i asked him if he wanted a g/f and he said not now. i felt like i was slapped in the face. we wound up at the same party together and i was doing good ignoring him. he asked me to talk . we went into a room and he jsut started figting with me. i tried to leave but he pushed me down. he grabbed my arms, etc. i immediatley burst into tears and freaked out. he tried to be semi nice to me the rest of the night. i wound up getting reallly drunk and made out with a girl, stupid sillyness that meant nothing. we got into another argument later & he wound up coming to my house and sleeping over. when we woke up he called me pathetic, a c*nt, a b*tch etc. he said im mentally unstable. he called me a whore for making out with a girl in front of people. i kicked him out of my house and said i never wanted to talk to him again. i need your help to finally just walk away from the situation. hes been abusive most of the relationship -- verbally and sometimes physically. i was so close to moving on this summer and he came running back. and i stupidly gave him another chance. i struggle with depression & anxiety & low self esteem. but i need to find the strength to move on .i am so in love with him but this is not what the man of my dreams is supposed to be like
hoping2heal Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 No it's definately not. If you have come from any kind of abusive family background, or a family background with little to no stability, it only sets you up to be more vulnerable and have more tolerance for these situations. I'm not sure if that applies to your or not, but on the chance that it does; sometimes the only certainty or thing we could "Trust" was chaos and that is what we learn until we decide we want to change that outlook. We don't like the chaos, the instability, the contstant state of emergency, but we thrive in it, we know how to navigate through it, and it's familiar; everyone needs stability and security and that is what is stable and secure for US. This of course, is dysfunctional thinking and dysfunctional way to live and it does not HAVE to by any means be like that. Once we are able to recognize that we can begin doing something about it. It's especially important because otherwise we continue repeating that pattern in all our future relationships i.e staying with someone who abuses us or not standing up for ourselves, or getting out of a relationship where we are treated with respect and kindly. Again, I don't know if any of this applies to your or not; but I'm putting it out there as food for thought on the chance it MIGHT be. You just need to stick to your guns now.
northstar1 Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 The help you need is to finally get away from this abusive person and I mean totally away. No more talking. I also suggest you go and seek some professional help from a therapist. You need to talk to someone about the bigger issues at play here
Author EmptyPromises Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 yes, my father was abusive when we were younger. not anymore. i feel so stupid. i feel like an idiot. i hate everything and just wanna cry.
northstar1 Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 You are not stupid- just confused and conflicted. But EP you deserve better and deep inside I know you are aware of this. The first step is to realize that you can be happy without him .
Author EmptyPromises Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 i know. i told him to never contact me again or ill block his number. and if he shows up at my house im calling the cops.
TaraMaiden Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 EP, at least you've made this decision, and that's really a great step in the right direction. Understand this, also: He probably (probably?? Certainly!) knows about your weaknesses, and exploited them for his own benefit. Which makes him sick in the head. When you know someone is fragile and vulnerable, you seek to protect them, not use it to your advantage. Make sure you stick to your guns.... And also, please follow northstar's advice. If you are not already in therapy or counselling, seek help. It's important for you that you gradually learn how to put down this heavy load of bad memories and influences. The abuse you experienced is not WHO you are today. Carrying such things is just so unnecessary and damaging, and professional support will help you get rid of it, by steering you to face your fears and deal with them, with strength, resolve and determination. Good luck. keep us posted, and be strong. You do not have to put up with any of this, a moment longer.
hoping2heal Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 yes, my father was abusive when we were younger. not anymore. i feel so stupid. i feel like an idiot. i hate everything and just wanna cry. You're not stupid or an idiot OP. I'm proud of you for realising this is an abusive situation and it needs to end, you wouldn't believe how many others never even reach that point. Also, there are psychological factors at play for why you even stayed in a relationship like that as long as you did, that were beyond your control because of what you'd been exposed to earlier on in life when your father had abusive behavior.
Author EmptyPromises Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 thanks guys. i know i realized this has to end, but i dont know if i have the strength to really walk away and not talk to him again. i know im weak and if he begs and tries to talk to me i will probably forgive him and fall into the trap again. how do i stop that from happening?
hoping2heal Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 thanks guys. i know i realized this has to end, but i dont know if i have the strength to really walk away and not talk to him again. i know im weak and if he begs and tries to talk to me i will probably forgive him and fall into the trap again. how do i stop that from happening? Well, let's see I don't know if this will be of any use to you, but I'm going to ramble off some thoughts. Something I learned when I used to allow people to treat me badly was; if I had heard about or seen a man treat a woman the way some were treating me; I would feel angry for her, I would be furious towards her aggressor. I would think he was an appauling, waste of space, no good sack of crap. Yet? There were people treating me just as badly, if not worse and was I angry at them? Did I have the same sense of fury? Not at all. I had lacked compassion and empathy and dignity towards MYSELF. There was no sense that said "You don't deserve to be put down like that!" or "You don't deserve to be disrespected like that!" Instead of being angry and disgusted with those who treated me badly, I was angry and disgusted with myself! Now, I do believe it's true that we have a responsibility to how we let others treat us but when you don't know any better; that responsibility is temporarily revoked until the point comes that you get healthy and are able to understand. I'm glad you have already imagined what your vulnerabilities with him will be, that will help you from going back if you can stay aware. He is never going to treat you any better than he is now, and will probably just begin to steadily treat you worse, because he knows now he can. Don't be angry at YOURSELF, get in touch with WHY you have reason to be angry at HIM. Remember that and put some new ideas into your head. Find a place of forgiveness and compassion towards yourself for the times you've allowed others to treat you badly, exploit or take advantage of you, and place the anger where it belongs on HIM.
Author EmptyPromises Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 i cant sleep. i feel sick to my stomach. he texted me yesterday and i was doing pretty good with ignoring him. and then i wasnt doing pretty good. first he texted me saying he heard i made records this weekend and got wtih someone on saturday night. so i asked what? then he ignored me. so then i said dont text me with ur bull****. he kept sending me texts that werent at all nice..kinda made me feel down. i ignored them for three hours and all of a sudden i was texting him back telling him i hated him for this , that he lead me on and i would never take him back. he just responded with " i dont want you back" "your a psycho" etc. hes never acted like this when weve broken up. hes at least cared a little bit and has never said he didnt want me. i just feel rejected. idk whether to block his number or not. i think if i actuall yblocked his number i would move on, but still wonder if he cared or not. i dont want people to think im crazy for blocking his numebr though, and want to be able to have the strength to just ignore him when he calls or texts. plus blocking a number is 5 dollars a month. ugh.
Author EmptyPromises Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 i am so upset right now. its been a rollercoaster week. saw him at the bar on thursday and literally bugged out. was giving him the finger and being drunk. then later i invted him over to talk and he didnt come. now its sunday and i see hes tagged in about 8 pictures with a girl. they are very close and there are captions with <3's and things. before i saw this we were talking and he called me tons of names including bipolar and pathetic. i feel sick. i keep calling & texting him. how could he move on so fast? how can he love me one week and hate me the next? please someone.
hoping2heal Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 i am so upset right now. its been a rollercoaster week. saw him at the bar on thursday and literally bugged out. was giving him the finger and being drunk. then later i invted him over to talk and he didnt come. Considering that you know you have a toxic and abusive relationship with him, I guess I'm not sure what you were hoping to get out of him coming over any way.. now its sunday and i see hes tagged in about 8 pictures with a girl. they are very close and there are captions with <3's and things. Yes and? Let's hope when he starts being abusive to this one she runs like the wind. sigh, poor girl. before i saw this we were talking and he called me tons of names including bipolar and pathetic. My point exactly. i feel sick. When you eat something you are allergic too, you feel sick. When you over eat you feel sick, when you stay in contact with men who abuse you, you feel sick. It's your bodies way of telling YOU that something is WRONG. i keep calling & texting him. how could he move on so fast? how can he love me one week and hate me the next? please someone. How could Ted Bundy strangle a woman and have sex with her dead body one minute, and be charming and cordial to his neighbors the next? It doesn't matter why he acts the way he does, you have zero control over it one or the other and you are making yourself ill. Why have you not gone NC yet?
Author EmptyPromises Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 i talked to a friend of this girl that was tagged in pictures with him. the two were supposedly flirting all night and she thinks they def hooked up. i needed to know that i think it helps a little. i friended this girl on facebook when i was angry, and now that im settling down i sent her a message saying sorry, i know you hooiked up with him & i want you to know hes not going to treat you right and apologized for friending her. i went no contact on monday..then when i saw him at the bar i broke NC and just came off as a pathetic ex. i asked him to come over and he said we should talk sober. so friday we were texting eachother back and forth..everything negative. i keep telling him over and over again that hes going to lose me forever. i just want to make sure that happens. hes trash. he doesnt deserve me. hes making me think twice about my psychological health. he keeps saying im bipolar and now im starting to believe it. it hurts that hes calling me this and idk why. it sucks because i love him but the feelings clearly arent mutual. i need to get on with my life. i dont know why im so stuck on him.
logitech Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 EmptyPromises, I recommend you go back over some of the things you have written and realise there are a LOT of things here that are wrong. There is simply too much abuse in all of this. Do a real NC. When abuse is involved you need to get out. Do everything you need to do to stop yourself. Block and delete from Facebook!! Seriously!! If you need to rage, write all the nasty things about him that you want to here.
Author EmptyPromises Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 aah i no! i dont know whats wrong with me that i cant just walk away! i did block him on facebook but i have a fake facebook and am friends with him on it. i know pathetic. ill stop looking at it though. does anyone recommend me blocking his number? so that i dont call or text him ne more? or just leave it and try my hardest not to answer and go strict NC.
logitech Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 The reason you are acting out is because you feel vulnerable and not in control. Judging by what you wrote in your posts etc, you actually find comfort in the abuse because it is what you are used to. That is also why you are continuing the same behavior after the break. You need to break the cycle!! Considering your circumstances go total NC. You need to get out of the abuse, and stop giving the abuse as it will never be good for anyone. Delete the fake FB acc!! Block the number!! Do not call, text, stalk, try to bump into him or the people he has around him (new girls etc). Take control of yourself and find strength in that!!
hoping2heal Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 i talked to a friend of this girl that was tagged in pictures with him. the two were supposedly flirting all night and she thinks they def hooked up. i needed to know that i think it helps a little. i friended this girl on facebook when i was angry, and now that im settling down i sent her a message saying sorry, i know you hooiked up with him & i want you to know hes not going to treat you right and apologized for friending her. i went no contact on monday..then when i saw him at the bar i broke NC and just came off as a pathetic ex. i asked him to come over and he said we should talk sober. so friday we were texting eachother back and forth..everything negative. i keep telling him over and over again that hes going to lose me forever. i just want to make sure that happens. hes trash. he doesnt deserve me. hes making me think twice about my psychological health. he keeps saying im bipolar and now im starting to believe it. it hurts that hes calling me this and idk why. it sucks because i love him but the feelings clearly arent mutual. i need to get on with my life. i dont know why im so stuck on him. You need to get on with your life because he has cut your self esteem down to mere shreds, and you are no longer able to tell right from wrong. He has been abusive and will continue to do so.It doesn't matter if he is nice or mean, likes other girls or not. I hope you realise this relationship needs to end because it has completely messed with your mind and you no longer know day from night (figure of speech).
Author EmptyPromises Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 thanks guys. you are all so right. im a little iffy with blocking his number. i dont want him to think hes made me that weak where i cant even ignore his texts or calls.
logitech Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Don't worry about what he thinks. This is about you!! Do what you need to do to help yourself.
Author EmptyPromises Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 i talked to some friends and they said not to block it. i need to learn how to have self control and ignore him. i am honestly so disgusted and turned off by him right now that i think i can ignore him. i have nothing to say to him and the fact that hes gotten wiht someone already really stings and sickens me.
Author EmptyPromises Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 now this girl he got with this weekend & i are going back and forth on facebook. i should have just left her alone & said something to her in person. now shes probably thinking imn a psycho and telling him the same thing. me:hey, i know you got with **last night. i dont hate you and am not going to hold this against you. hes a scumbag & i hope you dont waste your time with him because all hes going to do is **** you over like hes done to every one of his exes. sorry for friending you that was immature of me. her: thnk u but im not trying to peruse anything with him i just got out of a serious relationship. hes a friend of mine me: friends dont usually hook up. id appreciate it if you backed off. her: ok i am not trying to hook up with him but even if i was u have no right to regulate that. he is single. it isnt like i hooked up with him when he was in a relationship, because i have morals, and a girl in ur house just did that to me and im not trying to be anything close to that girl. but im also not messaging the girls i see pics of him with. and yes i hung out with **, but i know of at least 4 girls that you should be messaging instead of me. me: weve dated for a year and a half. we broke up last weekend. 5 days later you're hooking up with him. that same night, hes was asking me to talk. to me, thats stepping on my toes and a little ****ed up. im not messaging girls that i see pics of him with, im messaging you because you hooked up with him. i dont hate you, im glad i found out about this. thank you for the information of the 4 other girls. ugh why am i so pathetic.
Rylle Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Yes, you do need to walk away from this. Are you a college student? If so, you can probably get counseling for free through your school. If you're not a student, and you are able to afford counseling, GET IT. It will only help you. A therapist will have a much better understanding of your relationship and so on. I'm sorry, but your friends just don't get it, and there's no way they possibly could unless they've gone through the same thing. BLOCK HIS NUMBER. BLOCK HIM ON FACEBOOK. GET RID OF YOUR FAKE ACCOUNT, OR BLOCK HIM ON THAT ALSO. STOP CONTACTING OTHER PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE.
RedDevil66 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I'm guessing you're both very young. I need to say this, you will leave him and move on, but now be able to leave abuse becomes a pattern unless you find out why you are doing this. You are what's called a codependent. This behaviour needs to be stopped now or else you'll end up like me, in your mid 40's, repeating unhealthy relationships over and over
Author EmptyPromises Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 i tried to make an appointment with a therapist but they only had really early appointments, and i live 20 minutes from campus & my classes arent til reall late. he called me 3 x last night. i didnt pick up. i actually went to the library today and burst into tears just thinking about all of this. i cant believe hes moved on so fast.
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