sacrificed Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 My A has ended and to my knowledge we were not discovered by our spouses. I have read many posts here and it seems most As ended as a result of being caught. So my question is this: Is it possible to end an affair and put it behind you without anyone ever finding out?
mourningMM Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 If you look at all of my threads, the one that is called Mourning describes how we ended. We made the decision that there was no longer any room for growth or healing and we parted. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56369/ I actually think that our affair resulted in growth and emotional health for both of us. Also the thread on Emotional Affairs vs. Physical Affairs has interesting discussion around ending relationships. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54657/ If you were not caught, well, then you should both realize that discovery can still happen....and you should ensure that you haven't held on to any "trophy" artifacts...like emails, or phone numbers, or pictures. For an affair to be really over you need to purge it all. I would continue to maintain NC; but realize that he may be fighting with his own guilt-demons; he may still tell his wife to "come clean". For that matter you might get that wild hair as well....stay away from alcohol for a good long while. As a depressant it brings out the "need to confess" response in many people. I believe that confessing an A to a BS is actually a SELFISH act; if you do something like that you should suck it up and live with the guilt. Make amens without confessing by being the best possible partner in the future. I read through your other posts and I do have an opinion that I'd like to share. Maybe your marriage is fine, maybe not. But YOU are definitely in some kind of emotional crisis; and YOU should probably get some therapy to talk through this situation and your past. If you don't, and you continue to ignore the issues, you are more likely to enter into another A since you "got away with it" this time. Best of luck to you.
Author sacrificed Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 I am in therapy and have been for about six weeks now. It is very hard to cope with all of this. I also know that what I am going through is not just about the A and its end. I do not know if he will ever confess to his wife; knowing him, he won't. I do not intend to tell my husband. But I did start thinking about how impossible it seems that this can be kept a secret for the next 40-50 years. On LS it looks like most were discovered. I have gotten rid of any stray emails or texts. all that remains are memories and those are to painful to even think about for now. thanks for responding, I appreciate it.
mourningMM Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Read my thread on mourning; never ever assume that you'll have years. Life is full of unexpected changes. I am so grateful that my MM and I had our affair and ended it...that made all of the difference in the world. Be happy, be proud, be grateful that you have had the sense of personal honor to end it and not restart. If you do restart, remember that every day you have the choice to end. Living and dying with a clear conscience, that is what people need to strive for.... The sad, but honest truth is that when my MM and I were in the active phase of our affair, we both HAD a clear conscience because we knew it was short term, problem specific, and would NEVER grow into anything more. Still, I'm happy it ended when it did.
fooled once Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I didn't really have a D Day with the A I was in. Hmm... maybe we did. What constitues a D day? Where the Wife/Husband find out about the A and the affair stops? The MM I was seeing was seperated and living in his own apartment for a year of our 2 year relationship. His wife found out about me after he moved back home. Our relationship didn't end after she found out. She called me one day and we spoke for about 30 minutes. My relationship with him ended when I finally realized there would never be an "us". I told him I was going to start dating others. He begged me not to. I did anyway. I had already put my life on hold for too long. He moved, with his wife, about a month later. They moved 3000 miles away. He continued to call me for several months, telling me he would come back to my state for me - all I had to do was tell him to come. I never did because I knew he was feeding me crap and I knew he wasn't sincere. ACTIONS speak louder than words. So I don't know about D Days - if they are meant as the day the spouse found out and the relationship ended.
LadyDi Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Yes, I know of several that ended without the drama of a D-Day. It can and does happen. People realize it was a mistake, or they decide to move on...all kinds of reasons and then it's done.
boldjack Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Affairs remain undiscovered , only in fiction. Things like "Bridges of Madison County", have never happened in RL to my knowledge. Whether it's one year or 50 the affair remains, like a ticking time bomb, waiting for the moment to explode and end your relationship. MourningMM, even if you are a faithful spouse, for the rest of your life, that doesn't absolve you from what you have done. No truly honest person could be "proud," or have any real honor, without being truthful to the person you wronged. Sacrificed, One of you, either you or your AP, will no longer be able to live with the deceit, and will decide to regain your personal integrity by confessing. If It's you, you will be the better person, if it's your AP, how will you face your husband, outed by another person, or how forgiving will he be to find it out from someone else? Remember, contrary to popular belief, you can never build a good, honest marriage on a bed of lies.
boldjack Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Lady Di, with all due respect, I don't believe you and I think you will find that most posters don't believe this either.
SoAddicted Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I recently ended my A with MM w/o a D-Day. As long as we stay NC we will probably never have one unless he admits everything to his W which I highly doubt since its been 2 yrs and he hasn't yet.
boldjack Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 2 years isn't very long. I'm betting you will be found out at some point. BTW, why don't you be the honest person?
Devil Inside Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I admitted my A to my W after 3 months. I think it is possible for there to never be a D-day. However, for me, it was not the long term solution.,..I could no longer live the lie...and my W deserved to know who I was and if it was worth her staying in the marriage. It's different for everyone.
SoAddicted Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 2 years isn't very long. I'm betting you will be found out at some point. BTW, why don't you be the honest person? And tell his W? I've thought about it but honestly I don't see it happening unless he pushes me to that point.
boldjack Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Then Soaddicted, you admit to not being person of integrity? How can you ever expect to have a truly honest and loving marriage, when you are living a lie?
boldjack Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 BTW, You have to be pushed, to be honest? WTH?
Stung Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I was involved in an affair many years ago which ended sans D-Day. However, I (as the single OW) broke it off against his wishes and our relationship was of relatively short duration, spanning months only. I didn't know he was engaged when we met and I broke it off with him shortly after his wedding. I guess there could have been a D-Day since, but I'll likely never know. I have moved a few times since then and definitely moved on, he'd have to go out of his way to try and find me; I have never attempted to find him, have no idea where he is or what he's doing or if he's still married. I have only seen him once in ten years, it was about seven years ago, and he was with another woman who was not his wife.... I didn't linger to ask about that situation, though, didn't even want to put my foot in that door. My guess is that if he ever faced/will face a D-Day with his wife, it was/will be over another OW besides myself.
SoAddicted Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Then Soaddicted, you admit to not being person of integrity? How can you ever expect to have a truly honest and loving marriage, when you are living a lie? How am I living a lie? I am not a MW having an affair, I am single. As far as telling his W, I don't want to ruin his life. I still have very strong feelings for him and I don't want to hurt him. I think it would be best for us all if we just go our seperate ways.
boldjack Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Oh, So sorry SA, I didn't see where you said that you were single. My bad.
OWoman Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 My A has ended and to my knowledge we were not discovered by our spouses. I have read many posts here and it seems most As ended as a result of being caught. So my question is this: Is it possible to end an affair and put it behind you without anyone ever finding out? I've been involved with several MMs, and never had a DDay. Well, aside from one BW who thought she'd discovered something - years after it ended. But the others, well, they ran their courses in different ways. A couple of the MMs left their Ws after the A; some stayed M, their BWs none the wiser, their Ms no different to before. I don't know of any who confessed, subsequently - but why would I? There was no DDay with my last A either. My H did tell his xW that there was "someone else" but she chose not to believe him.
Owl Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I'ts POSSIBLE to never have a d-day, but it's highly unlikely. And realize this...as the OW/OM, you may NEVER know if MM has a d-day or not. The affair could end today...but his wife could learn of the affair 10 years from now, and their marriage will suffer a "d-day" when that happens. If you're no longer in the equation, you'd never hear of it. And look at how often we get posters that come here (and other places) and talk about finding out about their spouse's affair YEARS after it ended...and for them, it's just as devestating as if it had just happened. It MIGHT never happen...but doesn't seem likely.
2sure Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Of course its possible to never have a D-Day. The two people involved in the affair decide for whatever reasons to not continue , on their own. But the thing is...a D-Day is a turning point in a marriage. A turning point in LIVES - the WS, the BS, the OW/OM. A marriage has been broken here whether the BS is aware of the details or not. Without a D-Day or some other kind of Big Reveal...the betrayal itself (which is the issue) doesnt stop.
OWoman Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I'ts POSSIBLE to never have a d-day, but it's highly unlikely. And realize this...as the OW/OM, you may NEVER know if MM has a d-day or not. The affair could end today...but his wife could learn of the affair 10 years from now, and their marriage will suffer a "d-day" when that happens. If you're no longer in the equation, you'd never hear of it. And look at how often we get posters that come here (and other places) and talk about finding out about their spouse's affair YEARS after it ended...and for them, it's just as devestating as if it had just happened. It MIGHT never happen...but doesn't seem likely. Many families have stories of discovery of a "second family" - half-siblings they never knew existed - that came to light after the death of one or both of the spouses, often through someone unknown turning up at a funeral. It's not that unlikely. Some people are better at keeping secrets than others.
SidLyon Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Many families have stories of discovery of a "second family" - half-siblings they never knew existed - that came to light after the death of one or both of the spouses, often through someone unknown turning up at a funeral. It's not that unlikely. Some people are better at keeping secrets than others. This is exactly right. When my H's paternal grandparents died my father-in-law (who was brought up as an only child) discovered that his father was married and never divorced from another woman and that they had 4 children together. It turns out my H's grandparents never married and his grandfather commuted between both families with the knowledge of both women. But my father-in-law knew none of this - he just thought his father traveled for work. My father-in-law had affairs and left my mother-in-law for an OW who he married. 10 years later the 2nd marriage broke up and my parents-in-law got back together. Co-incidentally this was the same week that my H and I had our first date just over 20 years ago. It seems history repeats because my H was running a secret life for nearly 10 years too. He didn't physically leave and I didn't know, but there are so many similarities between what his father and grandfather did. I worry for my 2 sons - will they be the same? All 3 men saw their wives either tolerate or forgive - and my sons see this too. On the one hand I feel it's best for my children to see their parents together and caring for each other. On the other hand are they seeing that it's OK for men to cheat? My H loathed his father for what he did - my H was a teenager at the time his father left his mother - but was able to come to terms with it when his parents got back together - although it took him a long time to respect his father again. He is terrified that his own sons will feel the same way about him, but this was not enough to stop him having the A. Interestingly he said he was always sure I would forgive him. I'm still not sure myself. Our marriage counselor commented on this and how such things can run in families. S
StoptheDrama Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 No D-day yet but I have no idea what the future may hold for him.
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