Jacky Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 When you got involved with a married man/ married woman, what was the motivation? Did you think it would last forever? Did you expect them to get a divorce? Were you okay with being the "Other" rather than the "Only One?" I'm asking because I have a co-worker who has been dating a married man for over ten years. I am an OM, got involved with MW 10 months ago. We felt comfortable with each other and was able to talk about many things. She cannot tell her husband anything since he doesn't and/or don't want to understand. Issues around the house, with his or her family. Don't know what the motivation is to be honest, we were just addicted to each other more and more as time went past. I love her so much, she is the most important person in the world for me. Likewise she said she loves me more than her husband or anybody else. This is where the problem begins, I wasn't expecting her to get a divorce but there was a slight hope that she will do it and be with me officially. I was happy just being with her as "the other" however as the A developed more and more, I want to spend more time with her which was not possible and I wanted to be "the one" for her. She couldn't do that because she can't left the kids. It has become even more messy since her due date for the 2nd child is next month. It seems like the A is hurting both of us at the moment since we can't spend as much time as we would like. D-day is coming soon because we both cannot see each other upset... If your co-worker is fine handling being "the other" then she will be ok. In my situation, I just couldn't handle not being "the other". I am quite amazed at how she could handle being "the other" for that long because that feeling hurts me a lot.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 didnt try to have an affair. started as friends and turned to more. was ok being the MOW for a while. now that we've had d-day im not ok. ive given so much to him, lost so much for him and now that she knows its as if i dont even matter. my heart is broken.
TogetherForever Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I remember you from a year ago...weren't you living with your MM for years? Are you still with him? It doesn't sound like it from your post? Yup, we're still together. 9 years now. His divorce was finalized on Sept. 14.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Mine did exactly that. I bet your co-worker is sorry she told you if you have this type of attitude about it. what kind of attitude is OP suppose to have about it? joyful jubilation?
johndescartes Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Butterflying its not uncommon for people to have long term affairs. If your coworker has been in it for 10 years, she is obviously OK with it. Look at Charles Kerault. It may not be what you would choose for yourself, but it works for a lot of people. Sometimes it doesnt work as well as people would like it to and there are difficult periods. But that is their choice. And Leia it is a 'tude. Its not a matter of not being in the situation its a matter of being open minded and being compassionate towards other people's choices and challenges. You know, I just joined this board to ask for some advice, but some of the posts in this thread are giving me pause. I dunno', just thought I'd throw this out there: how about making decisions based on what's right? You know, not taking decisions that will invariably degrade your own self respect; and potentially wreck someone else’s family? Karma can be a bitch people. If you don't fancy the idea of a spouse or significant other cheating on you, then resist the urge. Don't cheat on your own spouse; and don't knowingly cheat with someone else's spouse. Think about your own spiritual growth when a choice like this stares you in the face. We all come to a point in our lives when we look back and ask what we have offered. In that light, will having an affair make you feel better about yourself? Will harming the lives of innocent spouses/children bring your life in harmony?
Fallen Angel Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 You know, I just joined this board to ask for some advice, but some of the posts in this thread are giving me pause. I dunno', just thought I'd throw this out there: how about making decisions based on what's right? You know, not taking decisions that will invariably degrade your own self respect; and potentially wreck someone else’s family? Karma can be a bitch people. If you don't fancy the idea of a spouse or significant other cheating on you, then resist the urge. Don't cheat on your own spouse; and don't knowingly cheat with someone else's spouse. Think about your own spiritual growth when a choice like this stares you in the face. We all come to a point in our lives when we look back and ask what we have offered. In that light, will having an affair make you feel better about yourself? Will harming the lives of innocent spouses/children bring your life in harmony? I think if you spend some time really reading the boards you will see that MOST (but by no means ALL) of the people here suffer from guilt and shame and MOST are working towards ending the affair. If you have a question though that you would like to ask, I am sure MOST of the people here will try their best to help you and be NONJUDGMENTAL... I'm just saying.
mourningMM Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 While I agree with JD about value-based decisions...I need to say that every forum here at LoveShack has a specific audience. It is supposed to be supporting the members in working through their issues. Karma is a bitch. I know, I've lived it from every side imaginable. But it doesn't matter which side a person is on; every person has feelings. So I think this is a good question, and an interesting thread, but I'd like us all to be careful not to look cause more sadness by our posts here. When my affair started I was at the bottom, when it ended I had healed. I was never expecting it to turn into a me into his significant partner, or his wife. I was just feeling so ugly, I hoped that I'd feel pretty again. Many many people entering an affair have very recently been badly hurt in a relationship; the affair is a life preserver, something to help them stay afloat. An affair the ends respectfully with the married affair parnter returning to home does harm that family, but also sometimes it can help that person to heal a very old hurt and be renewed and more able to re-engage with their spouse and children. I've lived that; and I believe that affairs should end. Sometimes when they end, the married partner returns to make an independent decision to leave...a decision that is right for the marriage. Sometimes the married partner returns to a renewal of the vow. The Other Person moves on to a more complete relationship. Sometimes with a single person that is new. Other times to be with an old affair parnter that re-engages after the affair is over. Either way an affair that ENDS is what enables a real relationship to start.
NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 You know, I just joined this board to ask for some advice, but some of the posts in this thread are giving me pause. I dunno', just thought I'd throw this out there: how about making decisions based on what's right? You know, not taking decisions that will invariably degrade your own self respect; and potentially wreck someone else’s family? Karma can be a bitch people. If you don't fancy the idea of a spouse or significant other cheating on you, then resist the urge. Don't cheat on your own spouse; and don't knowingly cheat with someone else's spouse. Think about your own spiritual growth when a choice like this stares you in the face. We all come to a point in our lives when we look back and ask what we have offered. In that light, will having an affair make you feel better about yourself? Will harming the lives of innocent spouses/children bring your life in harmony? You have very valid points. You won't get much argument. The Infidelity board is probably the best place for you to be posting. Obviously feel free to hang out on this board, but since it is for the Other Man/Other Woman, you might have a hard time hearing what is said based on your post. People on this side of the affair grieve, have regrets, have shame and most are working through their pain with the help of others here. We are posting our feelings and looking for help. We are sharing experiences that can be hard for some who are the Betrayed Spouses to hear.
delajoonal Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 When you got involved with a married man/ married woman, what was the motivation? Did you think it would last forever? Did you expect them to get a divorce? Were you okay with being the "Other" rather than the "Only One?" I'm asking because I have a co-worker who has been dating a married man for over ten years. i think you are going to get alot of dif responses..as an A is something unique to each case, each relationship..i have found anyway..i am a BS, but came here with an open mind in finding some answers and possibly forgivenes..as the pain is too incredible and i need to let go..my H did leave for his FB online EA. so ya, i think you will get many responses..as there are many types of OW/women on this forum. good luck;)
johndescartes Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 (edited) You have very valid points. You won't get much argument. The Infidelity board is probably the best place for you to be posting. Obviously feel free to hang out on this board, but since it is for the Other Man/Other Woman, you might have a hard time hearing what is said based on your post. People on this side of the affair grieve, have regrets, have shame and most are working through their pain with the help of others here. We are posting our feelings and looking for help. We are sharing experiences that can be hard for some who are the Betrayed Spouses to hear. You're right. I apologize for being unobservant. Thanks for the suggestion. Edited October 13, 2009 by johndescartes clarity
White Flower Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 When you got involved with a married man/ married woman, what was the motivation? Did you think it would last forever? Did you expect them to get a divorce? Were you okay with being the "Other" rather than the "Only One?" I'm asking because I have a co-worker who has been dating a married man for over ten years. I never ever saw myself as the OW and couldn't believe I had become one. Did I think it would last forever? To tell you the truth, this was the first time in my life I didn't think in terms of forever. Rather, it was the first time I decided to live the moment. I was curious to see how far it would go. I suppose, in my case, that since the life-plan wasn't working then living for the moment was the next step to make life livable. With regard to your friend's 10 year A, I'm sure they have developed some ground rules over time that work for them. Rules can always be re-negotiated and for some people As just work. Others not, so they end it and find something they can live with. Just because it baffles you doesn't mean it baffles everyone else. After 10 years I'm sure your friend is just fine.
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