OW/OM What were you thinking...

[whatisgoingon]

I used to be a MOW. We met at work and at first we couldn't stand each other, funny right? We started talking when we worked together and I found that he was incredibly charming and had a great sense of humor. He thought I was hot(his words).

 

He started asking me out, I said no, I always said no. At the time I was in a marriage with a man who was addicted to dr prescribed meds. All he did was sleep, all day, every day. I was lonely, and very disgusted with my now ex.

 

One night MM and I went to a friends wedding, both of our spouses declined going with us. We left the wedding together, for drinks and to talk. A few days later, we began the A.

 

What were we thinking, for both of us it was only sex. But then to our surprise, we actually fell in love. We honestly liked each other and enjoyed being together.

 

He told his W, a few days later I told my H. They threatened us with everything they could think of but we kept seeing each other. Dday after dday but we still kept seeing each other.

 

For me it ended very badly, my M that is, not the A. My h at the time tried to kill me. I am very blessed to be alive.

 

But even after this MM and I kept seeing each other. For maybe a year until his W finally left him. He told me often that she was going to leave, just be patient with him. And I waited. I think I was misreable during much of this time, but I loved him. I wondered if he loved me why he didn't just leave her instead. But it was great when we were together.

 

I think during this time there was maybe just a few days when we didn't see each other, so he made a point to see me, to be with me.

 

So what was I thinking and what did I hope to get from it? At first nothing, then I guess to be with the man I loved.

 

We are married now.

 

This is exactly how my A is although I am already D. He keeps telling me be patient with me, and I have for a yr and half. He is what I want so I will be patient. I am happy yours turned out so good.

[OWoman]

Dif'rent strokes for dif'rent folks. My As were exactly what I wanted - some part time light distraction. I didn't care about being the only woman, because they were not the only man. When things changed and I wanted more, I got it.

[frannie]

When you got involved with a married man/ married woman, what was the motivation? Did you think it would last forever? Did you expect them to get a divorce? Were you okay with being the "Other" rather than the "Only One?" I'm asking because I have a co-worker who has been dating a married man for over ten years.

 

Does she want or expect him to leave, do you know? Sometimes it's all that someone wants. And affairs vary in intensity of feeling and the amount of time you spend together. Not everyone wants or needs the same thing.

 

Also, many (most?) people don't set out thinking they're going to be in an affair, of any length. Most of the time it's just a day-to-day experience and then... oh, you realise what you've got yourself into. I know that point of view raises hackles, but it's the case. Was for me.

 

And that's even leaving aside the people who didn't know s/he was married when they got involved.

 

I don't think many plan it... so, to answer your question, I don't think many are thinking as such when they wander into this situation.

[twistedmind]

I cant say I was thinking much besides wanting to spend more and more time with this man. We met by pure accident. Living two totally different lifes in different countries.

And it was odd to still find so many similarities. Our epxperiences with other countries, other nationalities, our interest in politics, world news, and how does this work.

Even tiny things we found out, hot diggity, I like it just as much. Whom in the heck loves to hang out in a store in the section for flashlights for hours? Both fascinated by the same gun, military helicopter, on and on and on. Little things.

Its always been the little things. I knew all the time he is married. He made it clear from the start. But he wasnt really clear about what he was looking for. He was looking for something, without physical contact, to release his frustration over the lack of you know what, at home.

It didnt dawn on him til months later that is wasnt even that, he was craving.

I had a rough few days when he had to go be at home with her for a while. And we couldnt spend any time together.

The deal was, no contact. I kept my word, but he would scan the internet, read my blog to keep up with me. I thought, oh oh not good girl, you are falling in love with a married man.

What are you doing? I thought it was karma, for what I had done to my ex husband years ago. But is there really such a thing as karma? I doubt it, cause we would be dealing with a bunch of bad karma through our lifes, cause we do make plenty of mistakes.

I have to be honest though, I didnt think much about her. Because him not going home for so many months at the time, put her far off. I had seen photos and heard the odd time of a phone call he places home.

I only heard his side of the story. And he never really talked bad about her. And would even say, look thats my side, her side might be different. When he did seperate he found out about the things that bothered her about him and it was a shock to him. And a realization, I am not such a great guy as I thought.

I didnt start thinking of her and what actually was going on here, til he decided to stop seeing me and try with her again. And at the same time, he couldnt let go of me.

That is when I thought, you (MM) are not being fair to her. You dont want to be there, but you stay cause you think you have to. Not because you want to. Its unfair to her, truly is. If your heart isnt in, get up, be honest. And not live a lie and think you are the knight in shining armor.

Cause in reality, what are you? You are lying to protect yourself from dealing with your own shortcomings. Its not a good deed, no matter how you twist and turn it. It just isnt.

So now, I think about the strange situation. She suspected him having an affair and he just said, I wont talk about it. And the subject has been left alone. ???????????????????

So I am thinking, does she even care? I guess my standpoint, if I suspected him of having an affair, I would go through hell and back to find out the truth.

And I would NEVER EVER settle for that, I dont want to talk about it. Cause I would feel reduced to nothing, wondering all the time if there was someone he slept with, someone he touched, kissed, said I love you to....you get my drift.

So, what was I thinking? Not much besides stupid things, ahh its just a platonic relationship, friends with benefits, we are not doing anything bad by talking and phoning...til it was too late.

And now, I think too much.

And since I been reading the different threads here, my mind doesnt stand still.

[SoAddicted]

Seeing other people is the thing I struggle with most...when you're in love you're not supposed to be looking for someone else. When someone is in love with you they are supposed to be there to support you through everything. The love in an A is completely skewed and very difficult to work around emotionally.

 

My advice...see other people. As often as you're comfortable. If he asks you questions, answer them. Offer him no information and if he passes judgement tell him you'd like to be able to do the same to his marriage and the way he conducts it.

 

I'm at a point where I'm realizing I can't put anyone else into a full heart...the skewed love has to be reevaluated and changed/stopped. It's difficult and if the truth be known I don't know if I have the strength to do it. I can't count on him because he is self admittedly extremely selfish and won't walk away from me. Ahhh skewed love and putting the needs of those you love ahead of your own.....as I said to him this week, I put up with the pain of you being married and something inside me is fighting tooth and nail to not make him feel the pain I experience every minute. Boy...would I have a field day with that if it were one of my friends telling me this!!

 

Good luck to you (and to me as well from the look of things!!)...

 

He was the only person I was seeing. The car he saw was for my neighbors, but him acting the way he did made me see him in a new light. I have no say in his time away from me why should he be able to dictate what I do in my time away from him?

[fooled once]

When you got involved with a married man/ married woman, what was the motivation? Did you think it would last forever? Did you expect them to get a divorce? Were you okay with being the "Other" rather than the "Only One?" I'm asking because I have a co-worker who has been dating a married man for over ten years.

 

Hi Butterfly!

 

When I was in an A, I am not sure what I expected.

 

Like so many others, we met at work. I wasn't married; he was.

 

I was told lie after lie after lie.

 

Looking back, like so many others, I wonder what the hell was I thinking.

 

At the time, I think I was vulnerable. And he took advantage of that. He is 17 years older than me. I was a single mom raising a son; I didn't have a pot to piss in. He swooped in and helped me out; financially, emotionally and physically.

 

He led me to believe his marriage was more of a roommate situation, there was no sex (must be a standard line in the MM handbook), she wasn't interested in him, etc.

 

I am a nurterer; I like to take care of people. So I took care of him; sex, emotional love, etc.

 

I believed him when he said he loved me and wanted a life with me. I believed him when he said he was getting a divorce (he actually started using the same lawyer I had used for my divorce). I believed him when he moved back in with his wife, after living on his own for a year, that it would be a temporary situation. He was only doing it so that he could say to his W that "he tried".

 

In the end, he chose his wife. He decided to stay with her, moved with her. He kept calling me after he moved, insisting he would come back and be with me. I told him to stay because that is obviously where his heart is. He swore up and down to me that wasn't where he wanted to be, but he felt obligated to get her set up in the house, blah, blah, blah.

 

It was all a lie. He may have cared for me; I don't know. I question everything about it now. I firmly believe if he loved me enough, if he wanted me enough, if he believed in 'us' enough; he would have left. They shared no kids (each had kids from previous marriages). Sure they had shared money, but I don't believe money is enough to stop a divorce. Just my views.

 

If a person loves another person, they will move MOUTAINS to be with them. That is my personal view and nothing can make me change my mind about that.

 

I feel like a fool for allowing myself to be hoodwinked for 2 years. I feel like a fool for believing a liar. I feel like a fool for giving my heart to him.

 

But I learned a lot; and while I got hurt badly, I learned from that experience --- mainly never ever to get involved with someone who is already 'taken' by someone else.

[VictoryisMine]

Physical Attraction- He would of been one of my several flings i had with married men over the years.

 

I'm single.

 

But with his wife being hundreds of miles away, we were able to see each other often.

 

I was thinking i'm attracted to him, he started it (flirting), i want him, i want to check it out.

 

 

We fell in love.

 

And now, altho divorce has been filed, and their house is up for sale, the fact remains that he is still, seven months only i know, hundreds of miles away.... with her.

 

Not sure what the plan is, we know we are madly in love with each other.

 

I am starting to wonder... What the hell AM i thinking?

[thought it'd work]

Fooled Once,

Wow, amazing all the parallels to my other thread. Same stuff, but she is probably going to leave her H, just not for me. For another ex BF.

Yeah, I'll get in the 'what was I thinking' que.

[2sure]

When I was dating married men, I never wanted any drama that would result in thier divorce or even their spouses finding out. I wanted some affection , some fun and for them to simply be a compartment in my life. If they wanted to have an exclusive relationship with me, which they all did as I was single...I also wanted them to take me on vacations and make my life easier in ways I could otherwise not afford.

 

In all of these relationships, none of this would have been possible without their thinking that I was as in love with them as they were with themselves , or at least, the idea of themselves the affair with me allowed them to entertain. I note that I never once said the "words" but that didnt seem to matter.

[bluewolf17]

I dated a guy at work about 6 years ago. I thought he was the cutest guy. Witty as hell, smart, well read. I had known him for a year before we started dating. We went away for trips, went Surfing almost every weekend together.

 

Then out the blue he tells me he's engaged...but he wants to leave her...She lived in Japan at the time...How could I have not known, right?

 

He told me IN A ELEVATOR at our work. I was stuck, just looking at him. He asked if he could walk me to my car. I told him we have gone far enough, and all I could muster between wanting to cry, and wanting to hit his was "your not a very nice person". And then I walked away, quit, and never talked to him again.

 

I still laugh thinking about what I said. I was young..

 

I guess my point is..I could have tried to "Stick it out" once I found out he was engaged...I mean, it's no ring, right?

 

But I didn't, and that was my choice. But I can certainly see how the lines get blurrred..

[skylarblue]

Whenever I get involved with a MM it's because I don't want it to last or to be the "only" one. My goal IS to be the "other" one. My only motivation is "Can I get the MM to cheat on his W?" I've been involved in 1 ONS, 1 short-term fling, and a current long-term A with MM. Each was for pure ego, to say "No matter how much he loves you, it's not enough to reject me". ONS was my soon-to-be-M boss who said he loved his W too much to ever cheat on her. So I had to prove that he could, and I did shortly after he married. Short-term (3mos) was a guy (who also claimed to love his W) that I was interested in, until I realized he was M. So instead I used it as an opportunity to fulfill a goal of sleeping with a MM in his marital bed. It ended shortly after his neighbor (the H of his W's best friend) saw us leaving one morning when the W and kids were out-of-town and confronted him later that afternoon. My current R with a MM was only meant to be a fling, but has lasted for several years now, but it's only because I'm obsessed with the fact that he's M. For me, the hottest thing is that he has a W. If he was to divorce I'm sure I would no longer be interested. Not the typical OW's thought process, but it's my personal motivation.

[NowhereToHide]

I think what happens for many, including me, was that you discover an amazing connection to another person -- it takes you by surprise, it perks you up, it gets your blood pumping in a way that it hasn't in quite some time. You start to crave that connection. So you each seek it out as much as possible. It makes you start to realize that you've been missing something...

 

Then before you know it, you're talking to this person more and more. You find yourself sneaking off to text, to talk. You start thinking about this person all the time - how he makes you feel. You feel happy, energized, excited.

 

And it becomes an addiction.... you are literally addicted to the attention, adoration, affection so you keep at it, keep trying to get your fix. The affair fog is in full operation and you push any thoughts about his wife or your husband out of the way as to not "complicate" things.

 

Is it love? For some, maybe. But it's definitely infatuation.

 

There aren't many who seek out this kind of relationship. I was the LAST person who would have done this. I was so completely anti-infidelity. My affair caught my completely by surprise. And I will regret what I did for the rest of my life.

[grogster]

I think what happens for many, including me, was that you discover an amazing connection to another person -- it takes you by surprise, it perks you up, it gets your blood pumping in a way that it hasn't in quite some time. You start to crave that connection. So you each seek it out as much as possible. It makes you start to realize that you've been missing something...

 

Then before you know it, you're talking to this person more and more. You find yourself sneaking off to text, to talk. You start thinking about this person all the time - how he makes you feel. You feel happy, energized, excited.

 

And it becomes an addiction.... you are literally addicted to the attention, adoration, affection so you keep at it, keep trying to get your fix. The affair fog is in full operation and you push any thoughts about his wife or your husband out of the way as to not "complicate" things.

 

Is it love? For some, maybe. But it's definitely infatuation.

 

There aren't many who seek out this kind of relationship. I was the LAST person who would have done this. I was so completely anti-infidelity. My affair caught my completely by surprise. And I will regret what I did for the rest of my life.

 

Well said, NTH. My sentiments exactly. Most of us don't wake-up one morning and resolve to have an affair that day. It's a gradual, creeping intimacy that often starts innocently.

 

My MW was a work colleague with whom I was friendly, then we became friends, more and more intimate and then lovers. She was the clear aggressor. She played me like a violin.

 

Now, I have ultra-clear boundaries with married women at work. I have nothing to do with married women. It's as if they're members of a different tribe.

[mourningMM]

You know that the Married Person has a problem, a need that is not being met...and the Other Person fills that need....

 

At the same time the OP has a need the the MP to fulfill some purpose in their life.

 

Many times, both of these individuals have "magic thinking"...and believe that there is fate, or that the passion could not be denied. Or that their individual NEED was more important or valid than any vow the MP made....

 

In reality, the MP is most likely avoiding facing the problem head on, and the AP is accepting much MUCH less than what is deserved.

 

They may both be getting what they need, but it is at the expense of their self-respect, honesty, and transparency.

 

The key fact is that both the MP and the OP are making a choice, every minute of every day. And each time, they have the opportunity to choose the path of honesty, and self-respect, and transparency.

 

If they have a true love and respect for each other, then the affair partners will come clean, separate...and let the married person DEAL with the problem. And the Other Person will regain self-respect.

 

I was the OP, I had a MM....and we did this. His marriage healed, I grew...

[Cupcake]

I started an A with a MM simply because I was tired of searching for the right man. I met this man who was everthing I was looking for. We met at a coffee shop. Both of us had some time to spare so we had lunch together. He wasn't wearing a ring so I didn't know he was married. We had a casual conversation and discovered that we have a lot in common. The marital status question came up halfway into the conversation.

 

He was honest and told me he was married with two young children. He's in his early 40's. I'm in my early 30's. In that moment I decided that I wasn't going to allow marital status to "block" me from finally having a man in my life who has all the qualities a good man has.

 

Of course I know he isn't perfect. Obviously his morals and integrity are low since he's cheating. But at least I get to go on lavish vacations, have expensive dinners, shopping sprees, have great conversations, good company, and no drama. These are things I never experienced before. I've dated a lot of single men and they don't come close to what I have with this married man.

 

Right now, I'd rather share him with his wife and family than not have him at all. And I have no desire to break up his marriage. Somehow, we make this situation work. And it feels right.

[howcouldInotknow]

I got involved with a married man. He was separated for over a year when I met him. Instantly there was just this amazing chemistry. We were together for more than a year. We were waiting for his divorce to be final. We got engaged although I refused to move in. Then his wife began to squabble over the divorce settlement. Then next thing I know he is going back to work things out with her. If I had to do things over again I would not have dated a man who wasn't divorced. At the time I didn't think it mattered a whole lot because I mean they were married after not speaking or talking in over a year I thought they were pretty much done. I thought I was going to get my happily ever after. It was devastating and probably a poor choice on my part. I mean I am a confident Ivy league educated woman. How could i have allowed this to happen to me. Honestly we had all of the trappings of a loving secure "normal" relationship except he was still married. Honestly I don't think he is truly in love with his wife anymore. Its just a matter of financials, comfort, and obligation because of how long they were together as well as a dash of pity (she has bi polar disorder and is a manic depressant) but altogether it is never a smart choice to date a man with that much baggage.

[TogetherForever]

When you got involved with a married man/ married woman, what was the motivation? Did you think it would last forever? Did you expect them to get a divorce? Were you okay with being the "Other" rather than the "Only One?" I'm asking because I have a co-worker who has been dating a married man for over ten years.

 

1. Honestly, it was partly physical attraction & his opening line (see #2)

2. He said to me " I see us together forever ". I believed him.

3. Eventually I wanted him to & expected them to divorce.

4. For a short time I was ok with the ow postition.

 

[MistyK]

Whenever I get involved with a MM it's because I don't want it to last or to be the "only" one. My goal IS to be the "other" one. My only motivation is "Can I get the MM to cheat on his W?" I've been involved in 1 ONS, 1 short-term fling, and a current long-term A with MM. Each was for pure ego, to say "No matter how much he loves you, it's not enough to reject me". ONS was my soon-to-be-M boss who said he loved his W too much to ever cheat on her. So I had to prove that he could, and I did shortly after he married. Short-term (3mos) was a guy (who also claimed to love his W) that I was interested in, until I realized he was M. So instead I used it as an opportunity to fulfill a goal of sleeping with a MM in his marital bed. It ended shortly after his neighbor (the H of his W's best friend) saw us leaving one morning when the W and kids were out-of-town and confronted him later that afternoon. My current R with a MM was only meant to be a fling, but has lasted for several years now, but it's only because I'm obsessed with the fact that he's M. For me, the hottest thing is that he has a W. If he was to divorce I'm sure I would no longer be interested. Not the typical OW's thought process, but it's my personal motivation.

 

Whoa. You got a lot going on there. At least you're honest. But are you really happy like this? It sounds like you really want to keep men at arms length and you found the perfect way to do it.

[TogetherForever]

When you got involved with a married man/ married woman, what was the motivation? Did you think it would last forever? Did you expect them to get a divorce? Were you okay with being the "Other" rather than the "Only One?" I'm asking because I have a co-worker who has been dating a married man for over ten years.

 

Physical Attraction- He would of been one of my several flings i had with married men over the years.

 

I'm single.

 

But with his wife being hundreds of miles away, we were able to see each other often.

 

I was thinking i'm attracted to him, he started it (flirting), i want him, i want to check it out.

 

 

We fell in love.

 

And now, altho divorce has been filed, and their house is up for sale, the fact remains that he is still, seven months only i know, hundreds of miles away.... with her.

 

Not sure what the plan is, we know we are madly in love with each other.

 

I am starting to wonder... What the hell AM i thinking?

 

VIM,

Are you still with this mm? Or hoping to be ?

[TogetherForever]

Whenever I get involved with a MM it's because I don't want it to last or to be the "only" one. My goal IS to be the "other" one. My only motivation is "Can I get the MM to cheat on his W?" I've been involved in 1 ONS, 1 short-term fling, and a current long-term A with MM. Each was for pure ego, to say "No matter how much he loves you, it's not enough to reject me". ONS was my soon-to-be-M boss who said he loved his W too much to ever cheat on her. So I had to prove that he could, and I did shortly after he married. Short-term (3mos) was a guy (who also claimed to love his W) that I was interested in, until I realized he was M. So instead I used it as an opportunity to fulfill a goal of sleeping with a MM in his marital bed. It ended shortly after his neighbor (the H of his W's best friend) saw us leaving one morning when the W and kids were out-of-town and confronted him later that afternoon. My current R with a MM was only meant to be a fling, but has lasted for several years now, but it's only because I'm obsessed with the fact that he's M. For me, the hottest thing is that he has a W. If he was to divorce I'm sure I would no longer be interested. Not the typical OW's thought process, but it's my personal motivation.

 

 

WOW !

[MizzBlue72]

Well, mine started while I was married as a NSA relationship -- yeah, right.

For both of us -- we couldn't keep No Strings. We fell in love.

 

So - I am divorced, he is working out his situation ... we will see.

[girlwithglasses]

When you got involved with a married man/ married woman, what was the motivation?

By the time the relationship turned romantic we were already in love with each other. I was motivated by my love for him and our shared desire to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

Did you think it would last forever?

Yes.

 

Did you expect them to get a divorce?

Yes and he did.

 

Were you okay with being the "Other" rather than the "Only One?"

No.

[VictoryisMine]

VIM,

Are you still with this mm? Or hoping to be ?

 

Haven't talked to him exactly a week now. We been at it back and forth (i have a problem with him in the same house with the W)... last text i send him was.... :Until you are Done with your wife, i don't want anything to do w/you: His reply... simply...:OK:

 

I cannot imagine waiting another two three weeks, but i do hope he calls soon.

[Impudent Oyster]

1. Honestly, it was partly physical attraction & his opening line (see #2)

2. He said to me " I see us together forever ". I believed him.

3. Eventually I wanted him to & expected them to divorce.

4. For a short time I was ok with the ow postition.

 

 

I remember you from a year ago...weren't you living with your MM for years?

 

Are you still with him? It doesn't sound like it from your post?

[JumpinJimmy]

I was 23, single with a SO, and she was married and 7 yrs older. We met at work, and hit it off with amazing chemistry.....conversation, interests, etc.. for me it was the thrill of the chase. So after 2yr of a passionate PA with lots of misleading statements by me to string her along, she finally confesses and divorces him, then shows up on my doorstep and I say "do I know you" in front of my SO at the time. I was a real winner back in those days...A-hole if you ask me. Back then I was guilt free and didn't care..heck I wasn't the married one..but now, with a family of my own, the guilt comes creeping in.