Butterflying Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 When you got involved with a married man/ married woman, what was the motivation? Did you think it would last forever? Did you expect them to get a divorce? Were you okay with being the "Other" rather than the "Only One?" I'm asking because I have a co-worker who has been dating a married man for over ten years.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Did you expect them to get a divorce? Mine did exactly that. I bet your co-worker is sorry she told you if you have this type of attitude about it. GEL
ContemplatingTheEnd Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 The first couple encounters I didn't know he was married. We had instant physical attraction and chemistry. And, then it seemed apparent we also had a lot in common. And, then he told me (via text no less). And, at that point, I was grappling with the amazing time I had with this man in the moment and the long-term negative repercussions that I know *will* come of this. It's hard for me to take myself out of the "now," out of the amazing time we have together at the moment we're together. Whether it's dinner, running, having a glass of wine, simply talking and, last but not least, the sex, which is the best I've ever had (and he says, the best he's ever had...but who knows if that's true or not.) And, then when I'm not around him my conscience eats me alive. I can't stand to see the pictures of him and his family on vacation or wonder what he is doing 99 percent of his time when he's not at work...well, he's with his family, most of the time obviously. I don't see him ever with his family so it's easy to push that out of my mind when I'm with him. Although, to be sure, by coming on here and hashing it out, it has become harder. I can't seem to reconcile the amazingness of "now" with the horribleness of "eventually." I've been dating MM for six months. In fact, tomorrow will be exactly six months since we met... My how time flies... Every A is different and perhaps your friend is hoping he'll leave his wife for her (although it's been 10 years so it seems v. doubtful.) In my situation, I am almost 100 percent he will never leave his wife. And, really, I wouldn't want him to for reasons specific to our A (diff. life stages, he's older, I'm younger, etc.) But, that still clearly doesn't stop me from wanting to spend time with him and enjoying the "now." That's not a justifiable excuse by no means, but it's the best reason I've been able to come up with...
Author Butterflying Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 Mine did exactly that. I bet your co-worker is sorry she told you if you have this type of attitude about it. GEL (Laughing)Sorry bout the 'tude.' I just want to know how these relationships work. For example, I suspect a person may have a better chance at making it last if they know what they are getting into. Like maybe have some ground rules, goals, or something. I don't know. The whole idea of this type of relationship is baffeling to me.
RedDevil66 Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 MANY years ago, I was dumb/naive enough to have an affair with a married guy. It lasted a year. I was in a unloving relationship at the time where my BF was always ignoring me and this guy made me feel like a QUEEN. I justified my douchbaggery behavior. I really fell in love and actually was dumb enough to think he would leave his wife. I thought I was his entire world. He planned to leave his wife. We lived 4 hrs away from one another and he would find weekends to come see me and me going to see him. Oh how I was so in love. I was going to leave my BF, move to where he was, and have my happily ever after. Welllllllllllllllllllllll, reality check! My BF of 11 yrs came home and told me he was having an affair with a married woman for a yr and was leaving me. Karma and relief; now I could be with my MAN. As soon as my married man found out I was single, I did not hear from him for 3 months. I finally tracked him down and he told me "leave me alone, I've met someone else and do not love you at all" Talk about a wake up call! Then as months past, I found out he was sleeping with about 6 other women telling them all the same things he used to tell me. His wife found out, confronted me and all the other women, I begged her forgivenss. She forgave me. She stayed with him. Time past and I remained part of his life because we shared friends. This was over 12 yrs ago and last summer he left his wife for a 22 yr old (he's 44) and moved in with her. It last 1 month. She kicked him out and he went crawling back to his wife. His poor/stupid wife took him back I paid for my mistakes big time. Having an affair is being in the depths of hell and all the pain was well deserved. It took me exactly 2 weeks to get over this guy and now I look back and think "what was I thinking" I stayed single for many year after that working on my self worth Never again...........
Leia Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 (Laughing)Sorry bout the 'tude.' I just want to know how these relationships work. For example, I suspect a person may have a better chance at making it last if they know what they are getting into. Like maybe have some ground rules, goals, or something. I don't know. The whole idea of this type of relationship is baffeling to me. I fail to see the 'tude You're not alone in this, Butterflying. It baffles me as well. Pretty soon, you will get comments on how you will never understand coz you're not in the situation
jennie-jennie Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Never in my life could I believe that someone who loved me so profoundly and passionately would not get a divorce. When I understood that it was already too late. Also, MM was an old sweetheart of mine. We had lost touch of each other many years ago because of circumstances not within our control. When he finally found me again, the love and passion was there immediately. It wasn't like any of us had time to think about it. We were already in love.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 (Laughing)Sorry bout the 'tude.' I just want to know how these relationships work. For example, I suspect a person may have a better chance at making it last if they know what they are getting into. Like maybe have some ground rules, goals, or something. I don't know. The whole idea of this type of relationship is baffeling to me. I didn't know he was married when we met and started dating, so there were no ground rules. When I found out, the rule I made for myself was that I would never SETTLE. GEL
mourningMM Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 in a way he was a life preserver, I was drowning. I would have grabbed at anything; he made the offer. I never expected him to leave his wife; he never expected the physical pleasure that he had with me to be so erotic and intense. We started, and stopped, without anyone finding out unless we told them...and his wife, children and stepchildren never knew. My children only found out after he died, once they were old enough to ask the question I answered it honestly. I met him at a Starbucks...so the kids saw us smile at each other in the morning as I brought them to school....amazing how observant kids are. I was thinking...Dear God, how have you let all of these horrible things happened to me? Thank you for sending me an angel to help me heal! And then three and a half years later I thought...I am healed, I deserve more than he can give, and he needs stop doing this and face his issues at home. So it ended.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 When you got involved with a married man/ married woman, what was the motivation? Did you think it would last forever? Did you expect them to get a divorce? Were you okay with being the "Other" rather than the "Only One?" I'm asking because I have a co-worker who has been dating a married man for over ten years. I have been with a MM once in my life we had a weekend together I didn't know I found out at the end of it as his wife was starting to look for him Oh! Initial reaction complete and utter shock/disgust! Then the most horrible feeling/shame Ive ever felt and prob ever will! After the bulk of it passed I contemplated sneaking round for all of oh I dunno 5 Min's then said no way. I just don't see how any one could bring themselves to it but I guess if your desperate enough you can convince your selves its OK just about any way you can I'm sure I will be flamed now even tho I'm not trying to pass judgment..
PlanetJanet Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I got involved with one purely by accident. We work together. We started talking about a subject we had in common. We went to lunch. It mushroomed into something very quickly. His marital status did not motivate me to pursue him. But it was an impediment to ever having a relationship that would last. I was never happy with being the OTHER, neither of us was happy when he'd have to get out of my bed and go home. Some people, including your friend with the 10 year affair must be OK with it though. Not everyone wants or can handle an exclusive commitment. We started off with all sorts of ground rules but quickly dropped those as things got more intimate. We started with "oh I'd never expect you to leave your family" to "I'm thinking of leaving my wife to start a life with you." I didn't want to be someone's OW. But these things happen and I let it go on for too long. I didn't expect him to get a divorce. In fact at first I didn't want him to because he has a kid and I wanted him to be there to raise his kid. But by the end of the relationship my thought was "if you are not happy with the wife then get a divorce and take a chance on a life with me." Hope that helps.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 But by the end of the relationship my thought was "if you are not happy with the wife then get a divorce and take a chance on a life with me." Hope that helps. Just curious how did that work out for you in the end?
SoAddicted Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I met my MM at work. We got involved and it was only supposed to be a PA, I had just ended a relationship and was not ready for anything more. I never expected him to leave and I was still living my life even though I know that I am in love with him. I ended it the other day b/c he was trying to dictate who I saw and what I did when he was not around.
Leia Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I ended it the other day b/c he was trying to dictate who I saw and what I did when he was not around. I hope you told him to shove it up his ass. None of his problem who you were seeing
SoAddicted Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I hope you told him to shove it up his ass. None of his problem who you were seeing Not those exact words but close, lol. He would ride by and call if he saw a car in the driveway or in front of my house, I couldn't believe his nerve
MizFit Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I fail to see the 'tude You're not alone in this, Butterflying. It baffles me as well. Pretty soon, you will get comments on how you will never understand coz you're not in the situation Well...I think that' actually a fair assessment. A couple I am very close to lost an infant after 3 weeks of seeing him lying in a bed with his chest open as the doctors tried to save his life. He died. I empathized and I cried, but I had no idea how they felt because my only child was a 19 year old, healthy young man. You can never truly understand a circumstance until you've been in the middle of it or something similar, because you have observation only...you have no personal reference to draw from. People fall in love every day with the wrong people...teachers with students...patients with doctors...young men with marginally underaged women...step siblings...none of us can choose who we fall in love with. There are times in that love we are strong enough to see the error of our ways and there are times when we are vulnerable enough to NEED to think it's real. Just because someone else can't understand I love a MM doesn't make it less real. It doesn't make it right, but it doesn't make it less real.
MizFit Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Not those exact words but close, lol. He would ride by and call if he saw a car in the driveway or in front of my house, I couldn't believe his nerve Seeing other people is the thing I struggle with most...when you're in love you're not supposed to be looking for someone else. When someone is in love with you they are supposed to be there to support you through everything. The love in an A is completely skewed and very difficult to work around emotionally. My advice...see other people. As often as you're comfortable. If he asks you questions, answer them. Offer him no information and if he passes judgement tell him you'd like to be able to do the same to his marriage and the way he conducts it. I'm at a point where I'm realizing I can't put anyone else into a full heart...the skewed love has to be reevaluated and changed/stopped. It's difficult and if the truth be known I don't know if I have the strength to do it. I can't count on him because he is self admittedly extremely selfish and won't walk away from me. Ahhh skewed love and putting the needs of those you love ahead of your own.....as I said to him this week, I put up with the pain of you being married and something inside me is fighting tooth and nail to not make him feel the pain I experience every minute. Boy...would I have a field day with that if it were one of my friends telling me this!! Good luck to you (and to me as well from the look of things!!)...
Leia Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Well...I think that' actually a fair assessment. A couple I am very close to lost an infant after 3 weeks of seeing him lying in a bed with his chest open as the doctors tried to save his life. He died. I empathized and I cried, but I had no idea how they felt because my only child was a 19 year old, healthy young man. You can never truly understand a circumstance until you've been in the middle of it or something similar, because you have observation only...you have no personal reference to draw from. People fall in love every day with the wrong people...teachers with students...patients with doctors...young men with marginally underaged women...step siblings...none of us can choose who we fall in love with. There are times in that love we are strong enough to see the error of our ways and there are times when we are vulnerable enough to NEED to think it's real. Just because someone else can't understand I love a MM doesn't make it less real. It doesn't make it right, but it doesn't make it less real. No one said anything about it being less real . It's a choice. If someone makes a stupid choice about it, then don't complain if it doesn't work out the way they want it to. I see a lot of that and it's sad. I am sad for those women who let married men make the choice for them. For those who have the strength to tell the MM to make it right, more power to them. At least they know what they are worth .
jj33 Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Butterflying its not uncommon for people to have long term affairs. If your coworker has been in it for 10 years, she is obviously OK with it. Look at Charles Kerault. It may not be what you would choose for yourself, but it works for a lot of people. Sometimes it doesnt work as well as people would like it to and there are difficult periods. But that is their choice. And Leia it is a 'tude. Its not a matter of not being in the situation its a matter of being open minded and being compassionate towards other people's choices and challenges.
Leia Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 And Leia it is a 'tude. Its not a matter of not being in the situation its a matter of being open minded and being compassionate towards other people's choices and challenges. Of coz you would see it that way . If only some of you would be open minded on the Infidelity board.
jj33 Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Perhaps you havent read my posts I am very supportive of people on the infidelity board. But this is a t/j so I wont engage with you anymore.
Leia Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Perhaps you havent read my posts I am very supportive of people on the infidelity board. But this is a t/j so I wont engage with you anymore. Of coz you won't. Perhaps, you haven't read mine too but it's ok.
GypsyRayne Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I used to be a MOW. We met at work and at first we couldn't stand each other, funny right? We started talking when we worked together and I found that he was incredibly charming and had a great sense of humor. He thought I was hot(his words). He started asking me out, I said no, I always said no. At the time I was in a marriage with a man who was addicted to dr prescribed meds. All he did was sleep, all day, every day. I was lonely, and very disgusted with my now ex. One night MM and I went to a friends wedding, both of our spouses declined going with us. We left the wedding together, for drinks and to talk. A few days later, we began the A. What were we thinking, for both of us it was only sex. But then to our surprise, we actually fell in love. We honestly liked each other and enjoyed being together. He told his W, a few days later I told my H. They threatened us with everything they could think of but we kept seeing each other. Dday after dday but we still kept seeing each other. For me it ended very badly, my M that is, not the A. My h at the time tried to kill me. I am very blessed to be alive. But even after this MM and I kept seeing each other. For maybe a year until his W finally left him. He told me often that she was going to leave, just be patient with him. And I waited. I think I was misreable during much of this time, but I loved him. I wondered if he loved me why he didn't just leave her instead. But it was great when we were together. I think during this time there was maybe just a few days when we didn't see each other, so he made a point to see me, to be with me. So what was I thinking and what did I hope to get from it? At first nothing, then I guess to be with the man I loved. We are married now.
Recommended Posts