whirlygig Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I just found a way to contact the OW from my WH's EA. I've always (in the 3 or so years since I found out) have wanted to ask her a few questions. For one, I would love to know whether the details my H shared with me are the truth or not. So, has anyone contacted OW? Are they likely to be open to a chat or not? Was it worth it? What would you ask if you had the chance to?... I'm really on the fence about this, not sure I should do it and if it would be fruitful, either.
jj33 Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 There are several recent threads on this from Spark and Sid Lyons. 3 years later? I dont think so. Most likely she wants to put it behind her and has in fact put it behind her. Why open a can of worms an invite her into your marriage yet again? She cant tell you anything you need to know other than if your H was telling the truth and that is IF she will speak to you and IF she is honest with you. if you are still wanting to talk with her 3 years later you need to look at things with your spouse. Are you in MC?
AngryinColorado Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I did contact several of the other women my H cheated on me with. And it didn't turn out to help me at all. First: several of the women knew about me and went out of their way to tell me lot's of details that would only make me angrier at him. Then I caught 2 of them lying (saying they had been with him at times when I know he was home or we were out of town on holiday). One of the women proceeded to call him immediately after talking to me (i had his cell phone in my purse and heard the VM and saw the texts) asking why he won't leave me for her and telling him that after she was done with telling me things, she was certain i'd leave him and that way they could be together. It is not in the best interest of a woman who clearly wants or wanted your man to be honest, and she has no interest in making you feel better or helping your marriage work. In the end, it only made me MORE obsessed with snooping and trying to ferret out every last detail. I didn't help and I'm not sure the BS should ever do this.
2sunny Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 i mainly feel it may be useful in this case because the OP is looking for verification of truth from the info given by her H. he has stated it was an EA and evidence shows that it was most likely that it was also a PA. he has also shown by his actions that his interest in lots of women outside their M and his constant pursuit of them is inconsistent with the role he plays at home as her H. also he has a history of gaslighting OP to the extent of questioning her sanity. these are reasons alone to find out what his past shows compared to what he has portrayed.
whichwayisup Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 For one, I would love to know whether the details my H shared with me are the truth or not Chances are, she's going to lie/exaggerate/make up stuff.. Why would she tell you the truth since you certainly weren't a concern to her when she had an EA (possibliy PA) with your husband? Especially if he ended it, or if the A ended badly, she could just be a b*tch and make it worse.. If you suspect a PA (physical affair) then get yourself tested for STD's, just incase.. How is your husband now? Is he remorseful? Does he show you not only in words, but in actions that he's truly sorry? Has he gone to counselling with you and on his own?
GypsyRayne Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 This is something that only you can decide is it is right for you. It is possible that she will be honest with you and also possible that she will not. If you ask her the things you want to know and if she tells you something that you don't already know. What will you do with the info? Will you go to your H and confront him, believe her, believe him, what? And how will you know who is being truthful anyway? To be honest there are probably things your H sugarcoated to make you feel better when you found out, but there will probably be things she tells you that are exagerated to make you feel worse or herself better, unless she is a decent person who is honest or it doesn't matter to her one way or the other. Do what feels right for you but be prepared to hear things you may not want to know, just in case.
silktricks Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 For one, I would love to know whether the details my H shared with me are the truth or not. I wouldn't do it, personally. If you would talk to her, you still wouldn't know if what he shared with you was the truth or not. If she says something different than what he said - then you have the choice - do you believe him, or do you believe her? Why would you choose to believe her? She wanted your husband and was willing to cheat (you) to be with him. But you think she wouldn't be willing to lie to you? Also, 3 years later.... that's a long time. Let it go. If he did lie to you about it being "only" an EA when really it was a PA, then what? Say it was a PA, would you have chosen differently? Would you have divorced him? Do you know? I know that's not the point, the point is did he lie or not, but you will NEVER REALLY KNOW. You know he is capable of lying, as he did lie to you. But, you've asked questions - many of them I'm certain. It's now 3 years more of your life - and his. He obviously chose you. He wanted to remain married to you. At some point you need to decide to either let it go and live happily together without regret and sorrow over a past neither of you can change or leave him and go about being happy differently. Best of luck to you. But (I just reread parts of this thread) if he is trying to make you feel crazy, or continuing to obviously lie to you, maybe you'd best be served by getting some individual counseling and determining whether or not you truly want to remain with him.
Spark1111 Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 I just found a way to contact the OW from my WH's EA. I've always (in the 3 or so years since I found out) have wanted to ask her a few questions. For one, I would love to know whether the details my H shared with me are the truth or not. So, has anyone contacted OW? Are they likely to be open to a chat or not? Was it worth it? What would you ask if you had the chance to?... I'm really on the fence about this, not sure I should do it and if it would be fruitful, either. You know what? I wanted to and on some level, I still do. She never returned my phone calls, so now what? I think you do whatever you need to do, whenever you need to do it, if it helps you heal. Beware that it may not help your healing as you may not get any satisfaction from her regarding the affair. But I understand how empowering it can be to not live in fear of confronting the other woman. You do whatever you think may help you.
seren Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 In an ideal world we would never have to, we would feel we trusted H to tell us the truth. Thing is, OW has nothing to gain by helping you to reconcile and her take on what the A was may be very different from your H's take on it, so how much truth you will get will depend on what she viewd the A as. Not saying she would lie, but how many times have we shared experiences with someone only to have them say, oh no it wasn't like that at all. 3 years is a long time to be feeling that the OW could fill in the gaps for you and suggests that H is not stepping up and doing that with you. I think in general, BS go over and over it all (probably always will) and never really get the answers, while WS just wants to forget it and move on (conflict avoidance). Personally after 2 years I am done with wanting to know anything more, but then H as answered what I have asked and I believe him. If you do then I suspect the can of worms will be opened and OW may get back in touch with him to find out why you have contacted, and so it begins. I would speak with H and say what you are thinking and go from there.
LakesideDream Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 From a mans point of view.. and a BS. What's the point really? Three years later, if you have a relationship with your husband that's worth being in... Why would it make a difference? Here you are three years later still not believing the information you already have. Obviously you don't believe your husbands side of the story. Obviously you don't trust your husband three years after his "emotional affair". Why? What has he done, or not done to keep you suspicious and unsettled? I couldn't be with someone for three years without trusting them. Six months OK, a year? Again maybe. If you still are not sure three years later is there anything at all the OW could say that would give you peace? Before making contact with the OW I advise that you know what you want out of the relationship you are in now. It's possible that what you hear will change your existing relationship. Are you ready for that? In the event that you "discover" that your husband has been truthful are you prepared for the possibility that your actions in making the call will drive a wedge between you and your husband damaging the relationship you've hopefully been working to build? Just thinkin...
Author whirlygig Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 [quote=LakesideDream;2382661 Here you are three years later still not believing the information you already have. Obviously you don't believe your husbands side of the story. Obviously you don't trust your husband three years after his "emotional affair". Why? What has he done, or not done to keep you suspicious and unsettled? -- Thanks, Lakeside and others. So yes, I still don't believe my H and want to know more and to understand him in a way he simply cannot do. I do mostly believe him about the one EA (the only one he confessed). But I think that was just the tip of the iceberg. There have been many signs over the past years of other EAs or worse. Between that and the fact that the way he apologized for the one he admitted was (first to blame me , then...) just a hasty apology and not being willing to talk about it more. He said he 'could just not go there.' Well, I did write to EA and got a back a long, thoughtful and somewhat illuminating reply. She also said no sex, but kissing and hugging (he never mentioned hugs to me). Heavy flirting on both their parts, and this went on and built up for over a year. The heavy flirting is what concerns me because I see it as a pattern and addiction on his part that is still going on at work and online (although he mostly hides it well from me)- the need for admiration from someone else besides me. And she confirmed this fear of mine, in fact highlighted that aspect on her own without prompting from me. Distressing? Yes, absolutely. But still I have a basis now to say with certainty that he **is** a womanizer, a flirt, something I just couldn't bring myself to accept and articulate before, however much the "evidence" was pointing that way. And this is not a behavior I ever personally experienced with him since we never worked together ...
Author whirlygig Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 You know he is capable of lying, as he did lie to you. . . . But (I just reread parts of this thread) if he is trying to make you feel crazy, or continuing to obviously lie to you, maybe you'd best be served by getting some individual counseling and determining whether or not you truly want to remain with him. -- Yes, and yes. He is doing some psychological toying with me. Now that I've taken off the blinders it is so obvious, as plain as day. Why... I wish I knew. Control? Inner Rage? But it is starting to dawn on me that that may be a bigger issue than any EA, it is very harmful. Time for individual counselling, I think , not MC.
freestyle Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Whirleygig, Have you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? I realize I`m sounding like a broken record, as I`ve been recommending this to every one (no, I`m not getting kickbacks, but at this point I should:p) It was so eye-opening for me after my bf (of 4 years) had an EA with a colleague. It helped me to realize that the turmoil I experienced was actually a normal reaction to feeling betrayed, as I was beginning to doubt my own perceptions.That`s a horrible to place to live..................(I`ve since relocated;)) It delves into the psychology of all three parties involved in a triangle, which I also found to be very illuminating. You may be right, the EA could be a by-product of a deeper problem that he has. It sounds like he may have a different persona when he`s away from you.(compartmentalizing) Please consider the book. It parted the clouds for me.
Author whirlygig Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 Whirleygig, Have you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? I realize I`m sounding like a broken record, as I`ve been recommending this to every one (no, I`m not getting kickbacks, but at this point I should:p)....... . . . It helped me to realize that the turmoil I experienced was actually a normal reaction to feeling betrayed, as I was beginning to doubt my own perceptions.That`s a horrible to place to live..................(I`ve since relocated;)) --- Thanks, Freestyle. I went out and bought it last night. It is a hefty, small font book- lots of information in there. I can't wait to dive in. The bits I've read already (ha, starting a book in the middle?) are illuminating.
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