letinmotion Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Once again I'm writing hoping some people can shed some insight... I've been seeing this girl for just about 2 months. We have been intimate and had been seeing each other about 3-4 times a week. Out of the blue she states shes not ready for a relationship, etc. Doesn't want to stop seeing me and wants to keep what we have and see where things go. Im fine with this as long as her feelings are genuine and shes not using that as an excuse. If she doesnt like me I would much rather prefer she tell me and I've already told her that. Things are fine and we are both busy so we will be seeing each other considerably less for the next week or so. Im not too worried about things but what I am worried about is if she will loose respect and or attraction to me for waiting. I dont want to make it seem like I am over eager to be in a relationship and that she means the world to me. This is the first girl in a long time that Ive had pretty strong feelings about this early on where I really wanted this to go somewhere. I saw potential extremely early where as my most recent past relationships I did not. Thus im hooked. I don't however want to wait too long. I feel like she wants me to chase and I think that women who make men chase them get the chaser. She doesnt have to play hard to get, I already value her. How long is too long to wait before I turn into her puppet. This is so not like me to wait around for someone but for the first time in a long time I really have strong feelings for someone. Can someone please shed some insight? I would REALLY appreciate it. I want to wait for her but how long is too long?
boogieboy Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 You wont know how long. It depends on how long it takes her to get over her last bf.
Author letinmotion Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 The last boyfriend she dated she ended after 2 months. This actually has nothing to do with an ex boyfriend.
aerogurl87 Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Once again I'm writing hoping some people can shed some insight... I've been seeing this girl for just about 2 months. We have been intimate and had been seeing each other about 3-4 times a week. Out of the blue she states shes not ready for a relationship, etc. Doesn't want to stop seeing me and wants to keep what we have and see where things go. Im fine with this as long as her feelings are genuine and shes not using that as an excuse. If she doesnt like me I would much rather prefer she tell me and I've already told her that. Things are fine and we are both busy so we will be seeing each other considerably less for the next week or so. Im not too worried about things but what I am worried about is if she will loose respect and or attraction to me for waiting. I dont want to make it seem like I am over eager to be in a relationship and that she means the world to me. This is the first girl in a long time that Ive had pretty strong feelings about this early on where I really wanted this to go somewhere. I saw potential extremely early where as my most recent past relationships I did not. Thus im hooked. I don't however want to wait too long. I feel like she wants me to chase and I think that women who make men chase them get the chaser. She doesnt have to play hard to get, I already value her. How long is too long to wait before I turn into her puppet. This is so not like me to wait around for someone but for the first time in a long time I really have strong feelings for someone. Can someone please shed some insight? I would REALLY appreciate it. I want to wait for her but how long is too long? I read your post and what I think you need to do is really sit her down and talk to her. Explain to her how you feel without sounding clingy (not that you sound clingy IMO) and tell her straight how you feel. Explain to her that you really like her, but at the same time your not going to wait around forever for her and that you see things going somewhere with her. Be proactive and if she comes around then she does, if not then it's best to move on before you get in too deep.
leap83 Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I disagree with the poster above. If you talk with her like that, it will sound to her as she is getting smothered and you will sound overly eager. The guy I was seeing a couple of months ago said the exact same thing and my mistake was that I was there for him and wanted to work things out. Yes, you have feelings, but there's a very fine line when it comes to these kinds of people (I don't know your history so I can't judge as to whether she falls into that category or not). Give her the spave she needs. Act as though you've moved on. Don't chase her. She'll come to you if she wants to. If not, then at least you know. Chasing her is only going to push her away. Also, when it comes to waiting - BAD move. Don't wait. Honestly, I waited and it was the worst period of my life - I wish I just walked away the moment he said what your girl said. If I walked away, things would have probably been different. Like this, I'm left with no relationship and no friendship. If she has strong feelings for you, they won't disappear. They shouldn't at least.
aerogurl87 Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Chasing her is only going to push her away. I think it depends on the type of girl she is, as to whether or not this proves true. Some girls don't like to be chased, others (like me) love to be pursued. So it all depends on the type of girl she is.
AlektraClementine Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Does she know that you want a relationship with her? Have you made that clear? I think it's great that she was honest about her intentions. You mentioned hoping she's not just using that as an excuse. What would make you think that?
leap83 Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I think her statement says the type of girl that she is. And it's not a very fair statement - "I decided we should see each other in the beginning thinking I was ready for a relationship but now I realize I'm not. However, I want us to keep what we have while I sort things out (ie leave you hanging)." Pretty selfish if you ask me. If she's not ready for a relationship, then let the guy go. You risk losing him, but is it really fair to keep him waiting until you figure out your life?
Author letinmotion Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 I think her statement says the type of girl that she is. And it's not a very fair statement - "I decided we should see each other in the beginning thinking I was ready for a relationship but now I realize I'm not. However, I want us to keep what we have while I sort things out (ie leave you hanging)." Pretty selfish if you ask me. If she's not ready for a relationship, then let the guy go. You risk losing him, but is it really fair to keep him waiting until you figure out your life? I can tell she really likes me and I dated a girl for 2 years who had said the same exact thing at one point. I stuck it out for a couple months and that was probably my most enjoyable relationship to date. I've made my intentions clear about wanting a relationship and I've also stated that it would be typical of me to walk away saying "nice knowing you" after hearing that from a girl. I don't mean to talk myself up but I do consider myself a high quality dude. I've been a leader my whole life so I have the whole alpha male thing working for me, Ive been told that Im hot, sexy frequently by women over the years, I drive a bmw, own my company, got a place to myself and have a big group of well rounded friends. I hate to admit this part but I guess I do have some sort of ego and that waiting around for this girl goes against what I would normally do. I almost feel like I am disrespecting myself. That said... This girl has some deep issues: proposed to twice, been cheated on several times, was raped at 16, etc. etc. I have my own set of issues which leads me to believe that this why I end up attracted these girls with issues. When she said she wasnt sure if she is ready for a relationship I told her that I wasn't exactly ready to jump into a serious relationship right now but I'd like to eventually. I asked her why she was thinking in the negative. Why say Im not ready for a relationship and I dont want to lead you on? This already sets the tone for an unfavorable outcome on for both parties. It would be great to have a relationship that we know we will both enjoy so why not keep seeing where things go. If lifestyles and perhaps even other interests take us separate ways then so be it. No need to give up on a thing that we both enjoy IMO. I really think she appreciated that. Im still open to hearing advice.
leap83 Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Well letinmotion, do what feels right for you. However, I think she needs to deal with her issues (counseling would help) before she gets into a relationship with you. She needs to be emotionally healthy. You don't want someone who is not because it messes with your head - but you already know that. The guy I was seeing said that he is not ready for a relationship, how he doesn't want to hurt me and how he doesn't want to lead me on. Same thing. Did I believe him? Partially, yes. Should you wait? Not forever. There's really nothing you can do to help her deal with her issues - she needs to do that on her own. I would see a counselor (if she's not seeing someone yet) - that would help her heal faster. Every relationship is different though. I was just saying that viewing it from the 3rd person's side, I can't even understand why these people enter relationships if they KNOW they're not ready for one. They just end up hurting the other person.
loveslife Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 That said... This girl has some deep issues: proposed to twice, been cheated on several times, was raped at 16, etc. etc. I have my own set of issues which leads me to believe that this why I end up attracted these girls with issues. When she said she wasnt sure if she is ready for a relationship I told her that I wasn't exactly ready to jump into a serious relationship right now but I'd like to eventually. I asked her why she was thinking in the negative. Why say Im not ready for a relationship and I dont want to lead you on? This already sets the tone for an unfavorable outcome on for both parties. It would be great to have a relationship that we know we will both enjoy so why not keep seeing where things go. If lifestyles and perhaps even other interests take us separate ways then so be it. No need to give up on a thing that we both enjoy IMO. I really think she appreciated that. Im still open to hearing advice. I think what she was really doing was breaking up with you but asking you to be available in case she wants you back. It sounds like both of you have issues to work out (don't we all) and maybe a little break from dating in general would help both of you.
Author letinmotion Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 I think what she was really doing was breaking up with you but asking you to be available in case she wants you back. It sounds like both of you have issues to work out (don't we all) and maybe a little break from dating in general would help both of you. She said that If I wanted to take some time away from everything that was fine and she didnt expect me to wait. However, nothing would surprise me.
loveslife Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 She said that If I wanted to take some time away from everything that was fine and she didnt expect me to wait. However, nothing would surprise me. It sounds like she was encouraging you to move on?
Author letinmotion Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 It sounds like she was encouraging you to move on? As it would seem yes but we had a talk last wednesday and we talked about not letting this sizzle out--to just keep doing what we are doing and see what happens. I told her I was glad we werent writing "this little thing that we got going on, off." She agreed and said that even though im stubborn Im quite easy to talk to. Ended with some kisses, cuddling, etc. Kissed her when she left, etc.
loveslife Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 It's hard to give advice without knowing the whole story, obviously. And I'm not entirely sure what advice you really want. You've been kind of shooting down anyone who suggests you move on. It happens a lot on this board. What people really want is someone to validate their relationship when they feel it needs validating. The thing is, if someone is sure of a R they don't need the validation. Not saying this is you. It's just been my observation here. I'm not sure what to tell you.
Author letinmotion Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 It's hard to give advice without knowing the whole story, obviously. And I'm not entirely sure what advice you really want. You've been kind of shooting down anyone who suggests you move on. It happens a lot on this board. What people really want is someone to validate their relationship when they feel it needs validating. The thing is, if someone is sure of a R they don't need the validation. Not saying this is you. It's just been my observation here. I'm not sure what to tell you. Yeah I left some details out im not opposed to other people's advice and not saying that isnt the best thing to do. I just thought I would shed some more information to see if they still thought that I should just move on and forget about her.
Author letinmotion Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 Also was hoping some people had been in a similar situation before and it worked out. Since, I have been here in the same position before. I remember a long time ago I was talking to a girl for a while and we both really liked each other and she ended up saying the same thing. We talked about it when we became good friends and she said she actually really liked me a lot. Why then did she say she didnt want a relationship. All seems so weird to me and I dont get it.
Author letinmotion Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 UPDATE* I didnt think I would be able to see the girl on her actual b-day so I never said anything. I ended up not going out of town and sent her a text yesterday to tell her that I wanted to see her on her bday which is today. Never heard back from her. I know I should have called but I figured she would have been busy and just sent her a text instead. Midnight rolls around and nothing (but its her b-day now) so I send another text "It is unlike you to not text me back so I dont know what your deal is but happy birthday" Nothing yet. Normally after not hearing anything back the first time I would have waited until she came to me but I thought this was really odd as she always gets right back to me. This has thrown me through a loop. She's about to get the big boot here if she doesn't say anything, apologize or justify herself. I dont play games.
loveslife Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 A lot of times people can't just come right out and say what they feel or what they want, so they beat around the bush and hope the other person will read between the lines. It's because they don't want to feel like the bad guy so it's easier to tell the other person what you think they want to hear and then just disappear.
Author letinmotion Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 A lot of times people can't just come right out and say what they feel or what they want, so they beat around the bush and hope the other person will read between the lines. It's because they don't want to feel like the bad guy so it's easier to tell the other person what you think they want to hear and then just disappear. Totally agree and I know this but its just odd because we saw each other after we had our talk. Im typically very good at picking up the warning signs so if this is what it really is, Ive been completely fooled.
Author letinmotion Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 Not too mention I was quite frank with her when I told her that I dont want her to make up excuses or cover anything up. If she doesnt like me thats fine no big deal and to not say shes not ready for a relationship. If she does like me then thats another story and that this is still worth pursuing.
Paragon Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 My intuition and what you've revealed thus far tell me there's another guy involved, especially with the update you've posted. Here's the other thing: IF you want to solve this situation, you need to make it CRYSTAL clear to her exactly what YOU want. Do you want a relationship? Do you want to keep things like they are? Do you want to date more than just her but keep what you have with her? Once you figure out that answer, you communicate this to her and say you've made up your mind, this is what you want. For example, if you want to be in a relationship with her, you tell her that you want her to be with you and you KNOW you can make her happy and give her what she wants (just make sure you know you can before you assert it ) You give her the option right then and there, YES or NO--if she wants to take time to think about it, most of the time thinking it over means NO...However, you can ask her what she is unsure about and if it's something along the lines of "not ready" or "not sure what I want" then you will do yourself best to move on.
Author letinmotion Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 She actually called me today when I didnt reply to her text. Theres been another big huge misunderstanding. she had actually text me to tell me she was going to be with family. basically told me to relax and got a little ticked when i called her out for playing games. said I should know her better than that. Im not really worried but im not going to put much weight on US ever being an item. If it happens cool if not, then oh well.
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