BW007 Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I am so spun right now. Why? I saw her car leaving the gas station. Big freakin' deal. Right? It just hit me really hard that I am completely irrelevant to her life and she should be to mine. But she ain't. That just doesn't help. The relationship is totally dead and I try like crazy to use negative reinforcement like "...but what a big lying cheater" at the end of every thought I have about her. The fact is I do not want to love her at all anymore. My opinion of her has degraded terribly but there still remains this undercurrent of love for her with no appropriate way to express it. I never got to get the ol' closure conversation and I think that has held me back quite a bit. It is just another layer of frustration in the whole breakup. I have a lot of sorrow over this whole thing and there is a part of me that feels like it is all a huge misunderstanding and if she "really knew" how much I loved and cherished her none of this would have happened. But you know what? I tried to communicate it. It was all her doing and it was just a runaway train and I had no chance to alter it's course. I would be scared to talk to her at this point. It has been since April 3rd and I worry that a lot of toxic crap would bubble out OR I would let a whole bunch of love out or maybe let out just how much this has ripped me apart over the past months. We are done forever. It's not just something I am trying to convice myself of, I know it. Yet it still gets to me so much.
georgia girl Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 BW007, I am so sorry you are hurting. Outside of a kidney stone, I think breakups are some of the worst pain you go through in your life. (Had a recent kidney stone - still on the fence about which one I would have chosen.) First, I hear your need for closure but I think your assessment is correct: it would only pollute the waters. Instead, as other posters recommend, write her a letter and put everything you think in there. BUT DON'T SEND IT. In a few days, when you get the urge to send it, write her another letter. What you're really seeking is a forum to vent to her, not so much her response. It sounds like you are already no contact, so that's a good thing. The other things you can do are exercise, get together with friends and pursue a hobby. The idea is to distract yourself as much as possible. Dwelling allows the feelings to fester. Distraction helps them diminish over time. Finally, keep posting and reading here. What you will find is a lot of people in your situation and you will see that there's a great deal of commonality. There is some real comfort in that. You realize that there's nothing wrong with you and eventually we all heal. Good luck!
mickleb Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I can understand why something like this would really upset you. I learnt to drive this year and I know that, it's quite likely, at some point, that I'll see him driving somewhere. Yesterday, I was driving home and looked in my mirror and thought he was driving behind me! I had to check the number plate (in reverse!) to make sure it wasn't him. I have had a bad week, anyway and, when I got home, I just and fell on the bed burst into tears. I kept seeing his car every time I closed my eyes! My estimation of him has plumetted since the break-up - so much of my trust was based on his promises and spoken commitment to me - then without warning he just walked away and that was that. I got such mixed responses from him during and just after the break-up, that I don't feel I've had any sense of closure. Just a big headf*ck. I do the same thing as you - try to end my thoughts with 'he was full of sh*t', etc but there are so many memories of happiness that I have to work through. It's there so much of my time. I've had a headache for a week now and just want it and this sadness to be gone. So, I completely get how you feel. The only reassurance I've got is that I had my heart broken 16 years ago and, since that time, I've achieved a lot of good, solid things in my life. I dealt with that, so I should be okay with this. I will be okay but I'm just not, yet. Here's to us *raises a glass fizzing with a soluble aspirin*.
Exit Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Trust me I know how you feel. One day I went for a drive, I thought about purposely driving past her neighborhood but I thought no, why put myself through that. So I went the other direction, stopped for gas, continue on my way, and I see her go driving past talking on her phone. Thanks, life! You sound similar to me. My opinion of her has changed greatly but I still love her even with all her faults. Up until recently I had been asking her to have one final conversation with me as well but all she did was avoid me, so I'll never get that either. You seem one step ahead of me, you're ready to say it's over forever, while I'm still sitting here thinking that some day she is going to realize. I dunno what we can do to help ourselves. I personally have started to settle into this state of mind that I'll probably spend much of this winter alone, really trying to get in shape and spend some time figuring out who I am, and maybe next year will be a better year. I've done all the "go to the gym, hang out with friends", but after a while it just feels like running away. I could be out of the house for 18 hours a day having fun, but the second I get home, I still miss her. I'm not going to keep making plans with people solely for the purpose of distracting myself. Honestly as much as I hate to say it I think the only way to fast-forward through the recovery process is to meet someone new that you really have feelings for (not forced), and if you aren't lucky enough for that to happen, then you're stuck suffering for a while.
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