Jenny_34 Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Hi, everyone. It's so nice to find this forum where I can get some feedback of my present situation. I had a best friend who I know for more than 10 years but we became best friends few years ago. She is married and have kids like I do. She went to live abroad a couple of years ago. When she was here, she constantly tried to live a certain lifestyle she could not afford. They have lots of debts because of spending things they did not need. She is very materialistic. She lived in the middle of the boonies in a bad area but buying certain things that only the wealthy kind buys. In her mind all along, she could "afford" it even though her debts were over 80,000US. For some strange reason, she does not see it that way. In her mind, some of her friends envy her because of her lifestyle but the truth is that she does not have a "lifestyle!". Anyhow, her husband cheat on her but she never told me about it but years later she shared it with me. It made her even more insecure than she was before. It was a very difficult time for her, specially because she is overweight and does not take care of herself. The other "woman" was in fact a teen, very slim. She forgave her husband and then moved on. Time after she got in touch with her first boyfriend and out of the blue was considering leaving her husband for this guy, just because the boyfriend was still single, miles away and giving her endless compliments. I tried to bring her back to her senses and she did. After that I told her I did not know her marriage was so unstable, she looked me at like if I was crazy. She said she does not have a rocky marriage (despite these things). We had our differences in the past, me trying to get her to understand her crazy spending habits and she trying to tell me that there is not a problem and that they can "afford it". Well, her husband had an opportunity to work abroad and they moved there a couple of years ago. I was happy for her because I know she likes that lifestyle and also because I hoped they could raise funds to pay off their debts. In the beginning, she would tell me how much she misses me, etc and how much she wishes I was there, etc (she knows I would like to move abroad as well) but recently in the last year, she has become so self-absorbed, all she does is talk about how great her life is, she asks me how I am doing but it's more so I can ask her how is she doing so she can brag all about it. Now, I understand she wants to share the happy things going on in her life but the way she does it is bragging. She keeps information from me as well. She would mention how her daughter is going to this fancy trip but she wont tell me a couple of friends are paying off that trip (her daughter told me), basically she self-aggrandize everything to make her life appear in a certain way. I hate to feed her ego so basically when she talks about it, I wish her well and that's it. She could not take it. When I wished her to have a great time and take lots of pictures on an upcoming trip, she wrote back saying "that's it?". She was upset because I did not gush over whatever thing she does. She is always ask me what my family did for fun knowing that I have special needs kids and I dont have much time for that, but she asks so I can ask her back and she would tell all details about her adventures. At first I would entertain her chat, etc but then it became unbearable specially because she is constantly comparing herself with others, she mentioned in the past that at least 3 friends envy her. So last week she sent some pics of her last trip, we commented about it and laughed about it, everything was cool. The next day I received an email saying she was thinking last night of her relationships with the 4 people she feels more closed to and that she thought in the last year people ridiculed her and they are not happy about the things she shares and that she thinks that's envy and if is envy then we are not her friends but acquaintances. My jaw almost dropped reading that, specially because she assumed envy instead of being turned off by her constant need of attention! I wrote her back saying there is nothing in her life that I envy and that I do not wish to keep a friendship with someone who thinks this way. She wrote back saying all she wanted to say was in that email that she sent to the 4 people in her life. Well, a week passed and could not move on. I knew I needed to but I needed closure so I wrote her today this email very straightforward (thats how I am) telling her exactly what I think. I told her that she is self-absorbed, insecure and has self esteem issues and that unless she seeks help she will destroy any possible deep relationships she may want to create in the future. Also I listed all the things she thinks people envy her (a rented half house with second hand furniture?, no education?, debts?, rocky marriage?, husband job?, etc) and made her think if she is really serious. I told her there is nothing wrong with all these things but when she hints people envy those things is insane. I told her that I thought the reason for her email is that she wanted to create jealousy to the people she shared all her good fortune and because it did not happen, it made her feel angry because if they feel jealous, it makes her feel special. I also told her that she obviously is not able to make friends wherever she is. Did I mentioned she forgets my birthday every year and I never forget hers? I feel I put so much energy into this friendship and I have been used for an ego trip all this time. The friendship is over and it will take a while to heal. I feel cheated. What kind of friend tells others about the things she does with the purpose of making them jealous and when they are not, she is angry?
kizik Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Well, she sucks, and you've cut a cancerous tumor from your soul. Good that you told her how you truly feel, as long as you weren't expecting a friendship after that (which is sounds like you aren't). Selfish people will drain and suck the life out of us (the expression is "emotional vampire"). I am sorry you are distraught right now, but soon you'll feel much freer and happier without her. kizik
Author Jenny_34 Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 Thanks for replying. Good that you told her how you truly feel, as long as you weren't expecting a friendship after that (which is sounds like you aren't). No, I wasn't. It was more like "if she does not give a damn about our friendship then let me move on but first let me tell her exactly how I feel". I am sure she would hate each word I wrote specifically because I listed all the bad things or things she does not want to hear that are going on in her life and next to it I put "people envy that?". Her husband has a job that requires him to be on top of roofs and I also added "people envy that?". I told her basically you have no education, no looks, your husband risks his life every day on his job to make ends meet, you live in a rented apartment with second hand furniture and yes, people are lining up and thinking how envious they are of you! I know it sounds cruel, but geez sometimes you have to be brutally honest! At least I want to move on without regrets, I really wanted to tell her all those things. She doesnt handle honestly very well so I am sure she will be really pissed of. But I am still angry everytime I think she thought/thinks I envy her. I know I cannot change her mind and cannot make her see the reality (not even with my email) but it makes me angry anyways.
kizik Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 IMO, the kind of person you've described is a classic Narcissist, and though you may think she will be affected by your email, in reality she will develop an immediate hatred for you and project all her shortcomings onto you: Jenny is the bitch, not me. All you can do with narcissists is get rid of them, or let them get rid of you. Which they will surely do once you fail to feed their endless hunger for their narcissistic supply. Whether or not this woman is truly narcissistic, my point is this: people like her don't ever take responsibility for things, and they actively choose not to grow and learn. It is always someone else's fault. While you got some things off your chest, accept it for that. Do not go assuming anything you said will make an ounce of difference to her.
Author Jenny_34 Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 Kizik, yes I think you're right. She will be pissed off but will be MY FAULT according to her but at least I shared exactly how I feel by being brutally honest! And of course, getting rid of a tumor as you describe it. Thanks for reading and replying.
Tayla Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Kiz is on target. I would state with past wisdom, that the extreme "getting it off my chest" can and will backfire. So use it wisely. ANd not on this type of person. Grace yourself by realizing that you did at some point create some food for thought for this chick. Luckily you will in time definitely feel you did what you could in that time to wake her up from her odd actions.....
Author Jenny_34 Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 Hi Tayla, thanks for replying. how it can backfire if I dont intent to keep the friendship? Also it's too late I wrote her already with my harsh reality check before I made my first post here.
kizik Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I think what Tayla means is that N's are crazy and will key your car or something if you cross them.
Author Jenny_34 Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 Oh lol but we are in two completely different countries.
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