4givrnt4gtr Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I guess lately im taking a hard look at my life, and myself. I am going through a break up that left my head spinning. When i was in that relationship (and really, every single other relationship ive ever been in) I felt very insecured. First with my bf...now ex. Though some of those insecurities were well founded I feel like my constant "i wonder if he likes me" drove me crazy. But it also shows up in every interaction i have with absolutely everyone unless I am past the meeting point. I really try hard to not look so insecured but inevitably I always get the "aww you're so shy!!!" or some variance of that. I HATE IT I just started working at this clinic. Im bassically the second in rank at the clinic...yet when i walked in, despite my efforts to walk in with a strong stance and confidence, I felt so unsure and smaller than a mouse. Thankfully everyone was really nice and in no time i felt more comfortable but i hate HATE giving out that insecure vibe. I seriously have no idea how to change it. I try talking to a therapist...she didnt help much, all she did was hear me talk about the most current situation with my ex, blink her eyes and wait for me to keep talking. Drove me insane. HAs anyone overcome those feelings? How did you do it?? Id really really appreciate the help, especially at this hard transition.
Ronni_W Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I don't have personal experience, but hear that ToastMasters is an excellent way to overcome shyness and gain confidence. http://www.toastmasters.org/ I try talking to a therapist...she didnt help much, all she did was hear me talk about the most current situation with my ex, blink her eyes and wait for me to keep talking. How many sessions did you have? It usually takes at least 4 to get in a nice 'groove'. In any case, you talked about your ex instead of the real reason you consulted with her in the first place. If she practices client-centred therapy, you would direct content of the session...and she would have to listen and follow wherever you lead. You may want to try cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), as well. Also usually client-centred but you're always free to say what does and does not work for you, and tell the therapist that you want and expect input and practical suggestions. Hypnotherapy to increase confidence and overcome shyness is a different option. Tough to pick out a good one from a directory, so, if that does appeal to you, see if you can get a word-of-mouth referral. (Or ask the hypnotherapist if you can contact a few of her/his former clients. If not, probably a good sign to keep on looking .)
dmarisca Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 As you know, this is a problem that lies within you. The reason you are insecure is something only you can answer.... perhaps you have been hurt before or you have a very low self esteem. It doesn't mean you can't overcome this problem! You need to take some time to "analyze" yourself, and figure out what it is that is making you feel this way... everyone is worth being loved and cared for.... even you! You need to realize that you are worth something... All the very best!!
shaunwu Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Hi 4givrnt4gtr, I second to dmarisca. I too sense the problem lies in you. I recommend that you might want to reflect about Who, What, When, Where, Why and How about your insecurity. Pen them down. It gives you a better overview. I also sense FEAR in your hatred. Remember FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. What you have in your mind could be illusions you create after the relationship.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 Ronnie: I talked to her for about 5-6 months....She was nice and I guess I got some insights but I think i need more of CBT than client directed for sure. I have explored the many reasons why...and I think i got them all down....But im having a hard time figuring out what to do with what i know so i can overcome all that. See I geel like i KNOW Im worth it, and Im a good person etcc etc. In fact that knowledge has helped me get thru the break up and realize that A. I deserve better. B. I still put up with a lot of cr@p thati really dont need to. Ive come a long way actually, but I still need to cut it in the bud when I start seeing the BS. In any case, today my supervisor commented how I seem very anxious. I tried to convinced him that I really am not (seriously im really not). Somehow though I look anxious and that baffles me even more because I usually think I look relaxed and calm. He then surprised me by saying he thinks Im a bit of OCD because i come across as someone who makes sure everything is perfect in my work. It didnt help when I asked if could come in an extra day. He was concerned that i might be overextending myself trying to prove something or please someone (him i assume) until I explained it had nothing to do with that or even the company. It had to do with me really seeing how much my clients really needed the help (im an MFTT) and I love to work with them. He looked at me like WTF? and then said that I had just threw him for a loop. He thought he had me pegged down but he cant seem to figure me out. For some reason this really made me happy. For the first time ever I hear someone NOT minimizing my personality to "shy" or "anxious" or introverted but actually had taken the time to trying to figure out just who I am under that initial part and saw there was a lot more to it. In any case, I realized that I come off as anxious despite me being 100% sure Im not nor am I consciously doing anything to demonstrate that I may be. Which means I dont have a grasp on my own self apparently. Then I see that Im not really grasping other people's perceptions of me clearly or the relationships I may have......totally throws me off when I figure out or Im told that the boyfriend I thought was in love with me actually didnt like me all that much and the best friend i thought was like a brother liked me for over 5 years. Im starting to get concern with my lack of clear perception!!!!
Ronni_W Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Then I see that Im not really grasping other people's perceptions of me clearly or the relationships I may have I kind of want to ask: Do you mean that, when you DO find out how others see you, it turns out to be markedly different from who you are and how you see yourself? My own experience of that is that *I* didn't express my 'authentic' self too often or too clearly. Well...mostly because I'd never taken the time to actually crystallize my own needs, desires, goals, preferences, etc. I didn't have a good KNOWLEDGE of those things about myself, so naturally I did a piss-poor job of communicating it -- and then I'd be all put out when people "got me wrong" . It does combine, though, with people not taking the time to get to know you, and just making their own "snap decisions" based on their own beliefs, filters, motivations, how they do things, etc. Like your supervisor. Unless he's a psychiatrist, how'd he get to project "OCD" onto you? But at least he DID make time to have a deeper conversation with you...and YOU have enough self-awareness that you could help him see you in a bit of a different light. Like I said, though, it's both: how you express your Self, and how others choose to interpret what you express. Do you have any awareness of maybe wanting to project a certain image of yourself, that may not be 100% who you are underneath? (Maybe trying to protect yourself from feeling exposed/vulnerable or something like that?) When you say that you "put up with crap that you don't need to" -- do you have a sense of why you do that? (Is there any validity in your supervisor's observation that you may be a bit of a 'pleaser', for example?) Are you somewhat of a perfectionist? Cos that can totally contribute to people perceiving you as "anxious" -- not that it makes you an "anxious person" but, for perfectionists, there is a certain, constant 'anxiousness' about always having to get "right/perfect", which is apparent to outsiders but not the perfectionist, for whom it is 'normal' to feel that way. If that makes sense? I don't know if you ought to put too much stock into being told that your b/f didn't like you -- is he some sort of masochist to hang with somebody he dislikes? And it's not on just you that the other guy was good at hiding his true feelings, and chose not to be honest about how he felt about you. I do get what you mean, though. For myself, it was that *I* used to not be open about my own feelings, wants, needs, likes, motivations, etc. It was my lack of knowing/showing a more 'authentic me' that left a void in which others could (had to) make up their own minds about who/what I am. Er...is any of this being helpful yet, or am I just rambling? -- feel free to repost or message me.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 I kind of want to ask: Do you mean that, when you DO find out how others see you, it turns out to be markedly different from who you are and how you see yourself? Yeah, it goes like this for instance. I go into a new situation, whether its a new job, a new class whatever. I think Im being confident, relaxed, talkative. Yet, invariably at some point I am told "oh you are so quiet!" or "you are so shy!' or "relax! you seem so anxious! It always leaves me so confused! Not to mention irritated because the I hate being seen as quiet and shy it iiiirks me! On the positive side I have always been seen as a hard worker and smart....until I start screwing up because i hate my job (its happened maybe three times. I would get a job i would hate and invariably after a few months of good work where I would usually either get promoted or get a raise, the actual job get to me and I start slacking off. Its pretty ugly to see actually). But in jobs i actually really like I excel and my bosses love me which is funny to me because I dont feel like Im making any extra efforts or going "above and beyond" as my supervisor told me yesterday. I'd never taken the time to actually crystallize my own needs, desires, goals, preferences, etc. I didn't have a good KNOWLEDGE of those things about myself I thougth about that last night. I think I dont REALLY know me. As far as I can remember..as in since I was 9 years old Ive always been chasing a guy, dreaming about a guy, trying to become what whomever I wanted to date would like in a girl. It totall surprised me as I thought about it yesterday but my personal life until now has been totally consummed by wanting to have a relationship. I finally understood why when I am in a relationship I feel like I have nothing to bring to the table....thats because I havent taken the time to see what I am about. So that encouraged me to not just not get into a relationship for at least a year but to not try to find someone to like either (which is what i usually do when Im not in a relationship). THat way I get to actually see what Im about when men are not around. It should be an interesting project given that I have NEVER done that since i was a little girl. It makes sense to be insecured when you dont know who you are right? what can you be secured about when your whole life is about someone else...anyone else. Like your supervisor. Unless he's a psychiatrist, how'd he get to project "OCD" onto you? Hahaha he is a liscenced MFT. Do you have any awareness of maybe wanting to project a certain image of yourself, that may not be 100% who you are underneath? Yes i want to come off as self assured and strong. Im pretty sure I am strong given what Ive had to go through to get to where I am now, but the self assured part is not. Funny though cuz as I said before I usually come off as the complete opposite, shy and like if people say the wrong thing im going to break. It totally surprises most people when I bounce right back after something bad happens or when I walk away from a BS relationship. One of my exs thought he could do and say what he wanted because he thoughts he had me wrapped around his finger. He had one rude awakening when I told him to f off when I just had enough. THats another thing that bugs me...its like, I keep telling people to not just assume I dont bite because I dont bark....they dont listen and then when I bite they freak out. Its frustrating. Maybe you are right though, maybe Im not letting people see who I am out of fear they will reject me. And then when I get over them and stop caring then the real side comes out and they're left with a look on their face. Thing is i dont think i do it consciously...so im not sure how to change it. When you say that you "put up with crap that you don't need to" -- do you have a sense of why you do that? Actually this is where I get more misread. I dont put up with people because I am a people pleaser. I put up with them because I give people too much benefit of the doubt. Its hard for me to accept that people are selfish and will not blink to cause me harm in order to get what they want. I excuse BS behavior because I just cant believe some people can actually do that knowingly so I look for other reasons why. Unfortunately Im slowly realizing that Im wrong about that and people DO cruel things just to get what they want at the moment. Its a sad realization but it might put an end to the BS taking. Are you somewhat of a perfectionist? Cos that can totally contribute to people perceiving you as "anxious" -- not that it makes you an "anxious person" but, for perfectionists, there is a certain, constant 'anxiousness' about always having to get "right/perfect" Hmmm im not sure Ive heard that sometimes about me but i really cant see it. I think of perfectionist as someone who is always perfectly coiffed and put together, with perfect handwriting, perfectly clean apartments etc. Im far from it, though I am trying to get better at the looking put together, but thats just to play the part of therapist. I need to look professional since I already look really young. -- is he some sort of masochist to hang with somebody he dislikes? No he didnt dislike me, its more like he needed someone to boost his ego after his last break up and he needed someone to hang out with while he moved away. Unfortunately, I guess as I said before I give people too much benefit of the doubt and I thought he actually could fall in love with me (didnt help that he kept asking me to trusth im and telling me he would eventually get there, he was just "too hurt" to let himself be open right away..grrrr). He played the part well though, despite his constant contradictions...I take responsibility for all that though, I should have listened to what he was saying and act accordingly instead of trying to rationalized and believed his contradictory BS. Er...is any of this being helpful yet, or am I just rambling? -- feel free to repost or message me. You have!!! its helped me think a lot about why Ive behaved the way I do for so long...thank you so much!!!
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