the longest story of my life

[twistedmind]

I have been reading in this forum for quite some time now. I had the urge to post, but I didnt want to hear any replies. Meaning, i wasnt ready for those replies that would have said, go to NC, get out while you can, cake eating, never leaving, all that stuff that might be true, but hurts. Coward, that should be my user name. Cause I am running from all negative comments. I get angry at all people whom give me advice that is all about ending it. I am the twisted mind, something must be wrong with me to throw all caution in the wind, to ignore people who try to push me into a certain direction. But I am here now. I wont promise not to get offended.

 

I wont promise to take heat to whats suggested. I would be telling a big fat lie here if I said, oh sure, hand it to me, I will listen and follow your advice.

 

Here is me, in the middle of the impossible situation. The most insane relationship that only exists in our hearts and minds. I am the other woman. I am the one he doesnt come home to at night. I am the one who doesnt share the house, the bills, the vacations. Just writing this down hurts. Must not hurt enough, cause I am still spending all his free time with him.

 

It started out as an emotional affair. I am everything she isnt. I am his first affair and we fell in love. It turned into a physical affair during summer and this is were the strange things began to happen. The things that arent so common for an affair. Before we met, he seperated. He made ppeperations to move to another place. Packing, making down payment on another home, the works. Because he did not want to physically cheat, and he didnt want me to be the OW. Our time was beautiful, better than we had imagined. I was and am still certain about his feelings for me. Upon his return to the home he was still sharing with her, it happened. He panicked, had a complete break down, realizing, for the first time in his life he had been with another woman. And he had to face her upon arrival.

 

He took the easy way out to diminish his own feelings of guilt. He broke up with me in a horrible way. I would have just told him to go elsewhere if I didnt know him so well and could even relate. Cause some years ago, I went through the same situation, me being the MW and having an affair. The struggle to get out of my own marriage lasted years. I lied, put up a front, continued to stay, even though in my heart it was long gone. I could paint a pretty picture here, but the fact is, I was just doing things the easy way. At the time I couldnt see myself doing it any other way. Topped with feeling guilty, I was no good for a very long time. And this has helped me cope with this situation. Not very well, but I havent jumped off the nearest bridge.

 

Now there he was, crawling back to her, cause he just couldnt deal with the guilt. Loss of reputation, loss of respect by others, the ego is a mofo, as we all know. But in his heart, this immense pain over letting me go. I had no idea what to do. All I wanted, him. That is it. Now, some months have passed. And again, we are back to where we were a year ago. We can spend a lot of time together, not physically, but in other ways. And we do just that. Every day, every night. What makes this stand out from other A, he does not want to be with me physically, saying, it is wrong, I cant do that to you. You deserve better. He knows what he wants, which is me. But due to confidence issues, courage issues, he has no idea how to go about it. The only thing I get angry about, instead of trying to change what he dislikes about himself, he puts it into a corner and tries to avoid it.

 

His entire adult life was spent following rules, drills, no questions asked. He escaped this one time and it is messing with his head. I know that I have a choice here. For now, the thought of not having him in my life is more painful than having the little that I do have. Do I have hope? Of course I do. I try to encourage him to change the things he doesnt like. The biggest thing he dislikes, that he doesnt have the guts to go for what he wants. We tried to end it. It lasted but five minutes. We have tried to find different ways of coping. We are sticking our heads into the sand, for now. We end up slipping and sliding on thin ice. He is not home often, due to his job. Altogether he spends two thirds of the year away from his home.

I have read here a few times, love moves mountains. Hmm, sometimes you need a moving company though to assist! When I look back at how I was all those years ago....my biggest problem was self confidence. I lacked it because of how my marriage had progressed. I was scared to start anew. I was afraid of what would be waiting on me out there in this big world. And even after I had finally left, many times I thought, I should go back. Because it was what I knew for so many years, that life.

 

So, I struggle. I am in love with this man. I know he is in love with me also. His problem could be solved. When he is angry, the things he says about himself; I know, those are truths and they hurt him, tick him off. It is hard for anyone to realize that they are not so strong. That they cant get up and say, this is what I want, this is what I will do. When you live your life being directed by orders, directed by having choses a spouse whom is more confident, getting back or there to being strong and confident, is a big struggle.

 

For now I am the other woman, whom he spends majority of his time with. He goes out of his way to make me feel loved. He goes out of his way to assure me at all times. But its not what he does, that convinces me of his love for me, it is little things. Sentences that come out, a text message with important info, a phone call to assure me he is okay at work. I am everything she isnt. I do not think badly of her. We are who we are, I am, you are, he is, she is. There is nothing wrong with being us. Sometimes it just doesnt fit. His realization didnt come til after he started working so far away from home. And having the chance to build up a bit of confidence. But his confidence is back to zero again.

 

So, all I know right now is, I love him, he loves me and we are in an impossible situation. I admire those whom are so strong and stand up and say, I wont do this, my head is my ruler. I am a heart person, I have tried to do it a different way. But I couldnt cope. I have to be me.

He has never lied to me. He is feeling guilty for all he has done to me. By breaking up with me. By betraying those at home. And he is stuck in this situation right now, where his head wants to rule, but his heart wont allow him.

 

Love moves mountains, are there any listings in the yellow pages for mountain moving companies?

Thanks for reading....thanks for input and advice.

 

Oh before I forget, the one thing I think all the time, but dare not say at this time. Cause we are both still recovering from the breakup. He stays there cause of the guilt, and that is so wrong. Its living a lie. But his lack of confidence doesnt allow him to see that. I find out more and more about him because we do spend so much time together. And this pattern of not having enough guts to do what he wants is a constant one and has been for years. It shows through little things, like hesitating to apply for a job, while waiting for the job he really wants, to decide if they hire him. He doesnt apply for the other job cause if the one he wants comes through, he would have the hardest time telling the other employer he cant take the position he was offered.

 

Its the little things I pay attention to. And all his little things that I notice, instead of turning me off, pull me in even more. Cause it is like looking into the mirror.

 

So, have a go at me.....be kind, be tough, be compassionate or just knock me upside the head with a 4 by 4.......I will try hard to take heat to whats being said. I can only promise to try, but I cant promise I will follow the advice.

[MistyK]

TM, I really feel for you. I've been in a situation much like yours. It took him 2.5 years to move out and even then, he remained completely enmeshed with his W. He said it was because of guilt. Your guy has some issues and he needs to resolve them in therapy. It doesn't sound like he even wants to. (It took me 1.5 years to get xMM in therapy, and progress was painfully slow). Even if your MM decides he's willing to start therapy and put one foot in front of the other so to speak, the reality is that it may be YEARS for you to have a normal relaitonship, if at all. His priority needs to be working on himself before he can devote the energy you deserve in a relationship to you. You really want to go through all that? It's utter despair.

 

It is not an impossible situation - it is impossible for him because he doesn't want to change anything ( be that because of guilt, emotinal issues, finances, whatever). The end result is the same - he goes home to her and is probably still having sex with her. The thing is that it doesn't really matter whether he stays in his M because he has emotional problems he needs to seek help for or if he's madly in love with his W. It doesn't matter if his W can control him and "make" him stay - the result is the same for you.

 

You sound like you want to save him. You're extending your arm and he's too scared to grasp your hand. There's nothing more you can do. If you keep holding out your arm, it will get sore and it won't change his mind. You will have missed everything else going on around you while you watch him flail and refuse help. Please focus on you and your own happiness. That's the only thing you CAN control.

[twistedmind]

Yeah, its a big issue of mine. I always want everyone to be happy and smiling. And I know, his life is miserable right now. And I also know, unless he takes care of his issues, he cant move in either direction. I am glad he has realized that he has some issues that need to be taken care of.

I have gotten the suggestion before, walk away, see what he does then. Thats the one thing that I know wont work. Because over the time of knowing him, my unwaivering support for him has been that biggest factor of him feeling so good with me. He wasnt used to being told, I am proud of you, you are good, you did a great job. My pride in him helped him get a little pride about himself. I do believe in praising people. We all need just that.

I have read so much about affairs and I have even written somewhere before. But I was quickly being attacked, because this isnt the typical affair and I stated it many times. There was no physical contact before the seperation. There was no cake eating. When he realized he was in love with me, he took all the steps of leaving. Just when he had to face her, he could not continue to go through with it. Letting anyone down is a big issue. Age difference plays a factor in this thing. And him having been thinking everything was okay, not the best, but okay, at home, until he started working so far away from home. And the very shy man started seeing something different, began to change himself. It was a very slow process and the one mistake we made, we got together before he was to move out of the house. We both agree, if he had been out of the house already and not having to face her, it would be different. So what do we do now?

Its so difficult. Im not a quitter, and I am so stubborn. And I do have some intuition that is usually right on the spot. I dont see him staying there with her. But I think it will take him a long time to get to this point. Because for now, he is gone 9 months out of the year. He doesnt have to deal with this every day life enough to get really sick of it.

His job was a blessing in a way, he discovered that he has needs and wants that wont just go away. And at the same time, its a curse, cause he can detach himself from that unhappy life for so much time.

[MistyK]

I have gotten the suggestion before, walk away, see what he does then. Thats the one thing that I know wont work. Because over the time of knowing him, my unwaivering support for him has been that biggest factor of him feeling so good with me. He wasnt used to being told, I am proud of you, you are good, you did a great job. My pride in him helped him get a little pride about himself. I do believe in praising people. We all need just that.

 

Again, that's exactly like my xMM. But you have to realize that you sticking around isn't going to work either because it's not under your control. HE has to decide and put one foot in front of the other. And you stand to end up very hurt if you try anyway.

 

Its so difficult. Im not a quitter, and I am so stubborn. And I do have some intuition that is usually right on the spot. I dont see him staying there with her. But I think it will take him a long time to get to this point. Because for now, he is gone 9 months out of the year. He doesnt have to deal with this every day life enough to get really sick of it.

His job was a blessing in a way, he discovered that he has needs and wants that wont just go away. And at the same time, its a curse, cause he can detach himself from that unhappy life for so much time.

 

Have you ever considered that you make it bearable for him to stay in his M because of your presence in his life? He isn't having to miss anything. Honestly, xMM never moved an inch until I'd leave him. Then all of a sudden he'd realize whathe was missing. I'm NOT suggesting to take off to be manipulative, you have to do what's best for you and accpet the loss, but understand that you may actually be doing him a favor of giving him a chance to see what he'd be missing, to find motivation to deal with his life. And truthfully, I can tell you from experience, being around at the time of transition is more painful than anything I've ever experienced...get thee away from ground zero.

 

Also, you said you KNEW it would be YEARS, if at all, until he gets it together. Do you really want to spend years in this limbo and have no assurance that you'll even like the outcome? It isn't worth it - you'll miss so much of your own life being wrapped up in his. You are right - it will be years, trust your gut and decide if you really want to be a martyr for this man who isn't willing to sacrifice anything - you're sacrificing for him by waiting.

[Ms. Red]

I tried to read but I just cannot get through your big BLOCK of text. Sorry.

 

Paragraphs= easier on the eyes.

[fooled once]

Ditto on the paragraphs

 

I am not sure what to say, if anything.

 

You seem to have no desire to leave the relationship.

 

The MM you are with isn't leaving his wife.

 

So you truly will be settling for scraps. His wife has him legally. If he gets hurt, she gets to decide his medical stuff.

 

I guess you are getting something out of this; versus having nothing.

 

But why are you settling for a part time boyfriend? Why are you settling for being a 'secret'?

 

I mean, it isn't like you can introduce him to family "Hey mom and dad, meet my boyfriend. He is married to another woman".

 

But if you are happy with it there isn't anything anyone can do.

 

And as much as I realize how hard it is to break up with someone; it won't kill you. You CAN grieve and heal. You CAN go on again. You CAN find happiness again. Heck you may find something bigger and better

[2sunny]

he doesn't need to leave the marriage because he has every need met.

 

no more sex with you = more sex with his wife = no guilt = no red flags for her

 

constant emotional attachment to you = no need to commit to you and no need to feel guilty. he has convinced himself that an emotional attachment outside of his marriage isn't cheating. it is. you fill the void he was missing with his wife. he will never need more and he doesn't have a need to change anything. he justifies it all with a nice big bow that says "we're just friends"

 

tell me, does he call you in front of his wife? spend time with you in front of his wife? tell her what you both discuss?

 

most likely - no. the reason? you are his secret. when the "friendship" is a secret - it's wrong for a marriage. if you were his wife, you you encourage him to have a "friendship" like this while he's married to you - AND keep it secret? probably not...

 

THESE are the reasons it's not a friendship. and as long as you hang arond he is happy because he gets everything he needs - and you get very little.

 

is this the kind of love you intend to experience or the rest of your days? think about it - he'll keep you there as long as you allow him to.

[ednadean]

twisted mind,

 

your MM sounds like of a lot ofthe MMs who are in EAs -- or are in EAs for a long time and then it turns PA after a really long period of time. THese are men who are good men for the most part -- but don't have the courage to pursue their dreams --- or simply cannot because there are difficult circumstances [e.g. children who they don't wish to hurt, or a house they they've worked hard to buy and they want to live in...sounds superficial but I've seen it happened].

 

Anyway -- regardless -- he doesn't seem like the sort who is going to leave and in the mean time you know he loves you -- which may indeed be true -- but what are you getting for it? Nothing.

 

LEt it go -- remain topline friends and try to open yourself up to more meaningful relationships would be my advice. Don't hold onto a dream that h'es going to leave. If he didn't do it the first time -- very unlikely that he'll do it again with much success.

 

let us know how you go!

[Mr. Lucky]

I am everything she isnt.

Do you realize this statement is literally true? She's his wife, you're not. She's the mother of his kids, you're not. She lives in his house, you don't. So yes, you're everything she isn't. And vice versa.

 

The only truth here is that if he loved you, he'd leave her. WS's do it all the time, civilizations don't crumble, the world doesn't end, people survive. That he doesn't leave means that he cares more for her - in whatever collage of guilt, affection, history and commitment you want to spin on his behalf - than he cares for you.

 

So while I understand the benefits of the current staus quo for him, I don't see how it pays off for you. Not today, not next week and not next year. Maybe that makes me a "head" and not a "heart" person...

 

Mr. Lucky

[twistedmind]

First of all, sorry for not doing the paragraph thing....

 

EA, yep thats what it is right now. I heard from friends, associates, co workers, for an entire year, you are insane, stop it. He wont leave. Then to everyones surprise, including me, he went home and said, I am leaving, I am done. And took so many steps to do it.

It wasnt that he just talked, no, he went out, bought another house, split all the savings already, transfered money to her, discussed and had begun to pay alimony to her. Until the house was going to be finished, he didnt have much choice but to stay there.

 

I musst add, over the course of the last year, he always took a step towards leaving, then pulled back. Then another step, this time bigger, pulled back. Another step, even bigger, then pulled back. His steps towards really doing it, became bigger and bigger. I guess I am holding on to the hope that one day it will be the biggest step, with no return.

 

I have a hard time understanding, how someone knows what he wants, but cannot gather the strength to go for it. How do you live with the thought of loving someone but sitting in a corner, too afraid to move and not wanting to change that fear? Knowing good and well, one day you will be left behind, because you arent getting up, fighting.

 

The statement, I cant, is a tough one for me to accept. I cant is not in my books. I am here today cause I always heard, oh you cant, but I went out and did it. Wasnt easy, and I struggled, hurt, was scared, but in the end, nothing could hold me back from doing what I truly wanted to do.

 

I have lived in different countries, because I didnt stick with I cant. I have so many years behind me with happenings that floor some people. And I hear the same thing all the time, I couldnt have done that.

 

In most situations there is no I cant, its I wont and I am too chicken to try it.

 

The first conversation we had after the breakup was tough, for him also. He does know, feel, that it is very selfish to hold on to me. The thought of not having me in his life is the worst. I have asked him, what do you feel about losing me? He said it hurts, its physical pain and I am devestated. I then asked, what do you feel about leaving your M...his answer, I feel guilty. Feel bad for letting people down.

So, no hurt over losing here?

No hurt, sadness, of course, but not hurt.

I replied, you have all the answers yourself. And he does, but he cant act on them. Cant, there goes that word again!!!!

I dont regret having met him, as a friend, and even more. I learned much over the last year and he is very kind to me, showing me something about a world I never dared to dream of.

And the dumbest thing, because I know him so well, truly well. If you spend 16 hours per day together, every day, its almost like living together. And I know, he is not happy. He wasnt happy before he met me, but he was resigned to living that way for the rest of his life. Then I came into this life and for the first time, he had a bit of hope, his life changed a lot.

And here we are, I know when he was with me, here at home with me, he was happier than he has ever been in his life before.

 

He is not your typical cake eater. I try to compare my situation to all the others. I have read for hours, days. Stories of OW going through something similar. And I always end up saying, our situation is different. To explain that to others, is very hard. If they havent been in this situation. Its frustrating sometimes.

Not too long ago, we got into a heated discussion and he totally lost it and send me on my merry way, so to speak.

I just sat here, numb. And not willing to beg. Within minutes, not even hours, he couldnt deal with me not being there. And my mailbox was overflowing with mails. Every few minutes another one.

Sometimes I think it will take for me to walk away in order for him to realize what he is losing. For him to live this life again, without my attention, my understanding, the things we have in common....

He wrote once, I know I am the biggest fool in this world. It makes him so angry to be like this. And I know he struggles. Just like I struggled so many years ago.

He also wrote, if you find someone else, it will be my punishment for what I have done. And I will know then what I have squandered away.

If he knows this....whats the holdup? I dont get it. Its like standing on the tracks, seeing the train, but not moving. And you will get hit, run over.

 

And look at what I am about to write now....

If I walked away, what if he didnt come after me? Thats the thought that is so troubling!!! I just CANT do that.

I have no idea what is going to happen. And I have no idea on what to do. I read the suggestions, I appreciate all comments and hints. I really do. I might not act on things right away, because I have to process them

in my head first.

Its little steps, tiny steps, crawling before walking.

This is the effect this had on my daily life:

I pushed all my friends away, to the point of no contact anymore. I was too busy defending him all the time. Too busy defending myself all the time.

I was tired of hearing their concern. As of today, I dont have friends anymore. Just a few people I know.

At work, I haven been insulted, bullied, laughed about, looking down on. To the point of me being physically ill about work.

My health, after the breakup I went to not eating. I did not eat for weeks. Was hospitalized for a short period. I still have a problem eating properly. And in the first two weeks, I lost 18 pounds. My scale is happy, but my body has its damage from it.

My outlook on my future....I had planned on a future. Even he says, I promised you the world and let you down. I let myself down. I look towards tomorrow and take a deep breath. I feel stuck in my town, unable to make a move. I have lost a lot of the little bit of confidence I had before.

 

I have neglected people, situations, my work had suffered a lot, down to cleaning my apartment. The first few weeks after the breakup, I couldnt do a thing. I couldnt change anything, cause he had just left here. Even now, the bed has the same sheets on it and I am sleeping on the sofa. His towel has still not been washed.

We are talking 2 months now....its a disgrace.

Some of the people I know, have tried to set me up on dates. I ended up clocking some guy in the eye cause I just couldnt deal with his assumption of what had happened to me. Yeah, I do feel guilty about that. But at that moment, I felt pushed into a corner and I ended up coming out of the corner, swinging.

I look at men, trust me, I have tried. And I see nothing. I dont even notice anymore if they are handsome, as in being attracted to them. I just am not. In all my relationships before, I didnt lose this eye for eyecandy, so to speak. And could even feel myself being attracted to others. I just didnt act on it.

And now, I get anxious, short of breath, feel totally bad, when a guy shows interest in me.

I have gotten help for my eating disorder. I have been to counseling about this issue. The lady I spoke to was very kind. And the only solution we came up with, its me whom has to make the decision for myself. And that if I believe deep down inside that he will be mine one day, I have to take it one step at the time. Cause if I was to do anything right now, that didnt match my feelings, I would question myself over and over again.

 

But I am angry at him for continiously sticking his head into the sand. He says, there is a bit of hope inside of him. Well dag nabbit, take that little bit of hope and let it become your battle. This not trying is the hardest.

 

Him being the way he is, comes from his childhood. It led to this adult life that he thought wasnt too bad. Until he began to work away from his home and finally met me. His leaving process has been going on for years. And yes, by being away from there, living a different life, it is an excuse, oh but I behave when I am at home. That is when he is the other person again.

 

He did realize that even an EA is cheating. He knows it.

His marriage was prolonged by him going away. I am not talking about the kind of job that brings you back home every week. I am talking about a job that keeps you away for months at the time. And only coming home for a few weeks per year. Its leaving the marriage without actually saying so.

 

His personality is hard to explain. And that is why it is always tough when people say something about him. Cause everyone only gets my side. It would be great if he began to write in a forum also.

I know, I shouldnt defend him, but I feel that I have to. He is a very kind person. He is troubled, he has very little confidence. Only when he does his job (and thats one of the reasons why he loves his job so much) is he looked upon with respect and that, oh my goodness, you do THAT job?!!

 

Its his fix, to work there, to do this. Then going back home for a few weeks, life is back to the old way and he just about had enough he can deal with by the time he leaves again.

I told him, as long as you have the chance to detach yourself from the homelife, you will be stuck and living this way. Cause 3 weeks at home isnt long enough to get really tired.

When he first talked about wanting to leave home, I asked him not to. I told him, see first what life is like there. Dont rock the boat, experience it one more time. Dont go there making a sudden decision without knowing what its like.

He didnt listen. What happened was bound to happen. He jumped in head first and forgot to take things along that would help him make this journey.

The crashing down, I hoped it wouldnt happen, but I also knew, chances were high of it happening.

 

The reason for no physical contact is not cause this way is not cheating, to him. But he saw me after what he had done to me and he swore up and down, I would never ever do that to you again. He feels horrid about it.

 

Thats the main reason why he wanted to be seperated before we met. He didnt want me to be the other woman, whom is sitting there waiting. He isnt a bad guy, he has had only one woman in his life. Only slept with one, til me.

He would like nothing more than come to me and be with me. But he doesnt know how to deal with the guilt of leaving.

If you look at it, what he is doing now is horrible also. She doesnt have an idea how he truly feels. That he would be gone in a heart beat if she told him its over. It would take that guilt off of him.

When I told him, you took the easy way out, he got loud and very defensive. I questioned his behavior and he yelled, god da** the truth hurts, dont you understand?

But I wont lie to him. I wont sugar coat things to make it easier on him. Because of the nature of his job, he has to be alert and have a clear head at all times. Lifes are at stake. So, I have to be careful about what I say. Not because of him, but because of innocent people whom have nothing to do with this situation.

If I could, I would fly to his location and shake the hell out of him. And say to him, its either get up and fight, or lay down and die. But dont expect me to stick around and watch you lay down.

He has that little fire inside of him, I know its there. Otherwise he wouldnt have done all he has done. But he cant see it, he thinks he is doomed to being this way.

I dont love just love him because of how we are together. I love him because of everything. And even this crap thats going on now....

I feel as if I am being thrown back in time, when I tried so desperately to leave my marriage, but kept saying, I cant, I cant do this.

Saying I WANT TO, that was my flicker of hope, my base of my fighting power. It took two years til I finally walked out. Two long, tough, horrible years, with pain and frustration. With trying over and over again to make things work. With being excited when there was a good day. And being totally depressed and desolate when we had a bad day.

I learned one thing ......if I change for someone else, I wont be me anymore. I can change little things, but not my personality. And changing to make someone else happy, doesnt work. Cause it leaves you unhappy then. We are who we are and sometimes we just have to be adult enough to say, hey, we dont fit.....its just like that.

 

Shrugging my shoulders here......some days are good, some are tough. The only constant, this feeling of loving him, regardless.

 

One more thing....there are no children. I would hang myself if I thought I would destroy a childs image of the perfect home. OMG

[Mr. Lucky]

He is not your typical cake eater. I try to compare my situation to all the others. I have read for hours, days. Stories of OW going through something similar. And I always end up saying, our situation is different. To explain that to others, is very hard. If they havent been in this situation. Its frustrating sometimes.

If he's not your typical cake eater, than what's he doing with both of you? By your own admission, you're not going anywhere. And he's got a W in blissful ignorance that thinks he's committed to her. If he's not a cake eater, he's at least working in the bakery section.

 

What does his W know about the A? Why does she think he left before?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Thaddeus]

I can't really add anything to what's been said here, but this:

If he's not a cake eater, he's at least working in the bakery section.

actually had me laughing out loud!

[Chrome Barracuda]

....you need to seek some serious counciling lady.

[RedDevil66]

This is not really complicated, you fell in love with a man who still love his wife.

I can attest to the fact that when I man really loves a woman, he will do ANYTHING to be with her.

 

Guilt Schmilt, That is a crock of BS! He is enjoying the drama of both is drama filled lives.

 

And why would you "clock" some guy?

You are trying so hard to manipulate your BF to leave his wife for you. It's never going to work.

And to desert all your friends for a man, well that is just not cool!

 

Have you ever tried therapy to try to work on your codependecy and lack of self worth?

[whichwayisup]

One more thing....there are no children.

 

Then why is he still staying with his wife and choosing to be married?

 

You can't be objective, see things from a different angle..Not sure if you really want to either..

 

Anyway, bottomline is this. HE IS NOT LEAVING his wife. He wants an AFFAIR, for you to be the OW. If you are OK with being second fiddle, taking table scraps, then stay. If you want more out of life, your own kids, a family, a life with someone, END IT and move on.

 

I agree with CB, you need some counselling, to help you get "you" back. All your friends and family will support you through this when you end it, as well as many here on LS.

 

The choice is yours, it's just a matter of when you've had enough of his shi.t on a stick he's serving you, selfishly.

[fooled once]

I have no idea what you want from us here at LS.

 

You seem cemented to the fact that he will be back; that your situation is so very different from all the other A's that happen, that you two love each other so very much; that you know him better than anyone else in the world, including his wife.

 

But he can't change anything because when he was a kid, ......

 

BS

 

He has made his choice.

 

What are you waiting for? Because he gave you glimmer of hope with a maybe one day? Do you know how many OW have been given that exact same glimmer and then nothing.............. the MM stayed with his wife and they went about their life.

 

Really - do you think he is going to tell you he has a great life with his wife, she is wonderful, blah blah blah? He won't. He wants you to feel bad for poor him - he is stuck in a marriage where his wife is everything you are (except she is the wife and you are the mistress) and because he has no self confidence, because as a kid .......

 

Good luck to you. I think you will be waiting a long time; wasting your life.

 

He has done enough emotional AND physical damage to you.

 

You were given 1 life - - 1 life to live. But you are content, or so it seems, to sit and wait for this man who may NEVER come back. He let you go; yet you hang on. And your life passes by. But I bet you will say if you were to die tomorrow, you will be happy cause you had him once, you knew him best and he loved you most ...... even though he went home to his wife.

 

What are you going to do/feel if his wife has a child soon? Will you then realize that just maybe his home life wasn't as bad as he made it out to be? Or will it be because she made him have sex?

 

I actually feel sorry for you because you are so firmly set in staying around and waiting for him...and in MY view, that is a wasted life.

 

Go and LIVE --- and if by chance he comes back, yeah for you. If not, what harm have you caused by living instead of sitting and waiting?

[RedDevil66]

I have no idea what you want from us here at LS.

 

You seem cemented to the fact that he will be back; that your situation is so very different from all the other A's that happen, that you two love each other so very much; that you know him better than anyone else in the world, including his wife.

 

But he can't change anything because when he was a kid, ......

 

BS

 

He has made his choice.

 

What are you waiting for? Because he gave you glimmer of hope with a maybe one day? Do you know how many OW have been given that exact same glimmer and then nothing.............. the MM stayed with his wife and they went about their life.

 

Really - do you think he is going to tell you he has a great life with his wife, she is wonderful, blah blah blah? He won't. He wants you to feel bad for poor him - he is stuck in a marriage where his wife is everything you are (except she is the wife and you are the mistress) and because he has no self confidence, because as a kid .......

 

Good luck to you. I think you will be waiting a long time; wasting your life.

 

He has done enough emotional AND physical damage to you.

 

You were given 1 life - - 1 life to live. But you are content, or so it seems, to sit and wait for this man who may NEVER come back. He let you go; yet you hang on. And your life passes by. But I bet you will say if you were to die tomorrow, you will be happy cause you had him once, you knew him best and he loved you most ...... even though he went home to his wife.

 

What are you going to do/feel if his wife has a child soon? Will you then realize that just maybe his home life wasn't as bad as he made it out to be? Or will it be because she made him have sex?

 

I actually feel sorry for you because you are so firmly set in staying around and waiting for him...and in MY view, that is a wasted life.

 

Go and LIVE --- and if by chance he comes back, yeah for you. If not, what harm have you caused by living instead of sitting and waiting?

 

agreed x 10000000000

[Mr. Lucky]

He has done enough emotional AND physical damage to you.

Just to review (twistedmind, from your own posts), here's what his "love" has given you:

 

- loss of connection with friends and family

- an eating disorder

- inability to function at work

- isolation in your apartment which you can't even develop the energy to clean

- a fistfight with a potential suitor

 

All the while he goes home and sleeps with his W every night. If that's not true love, I don't know what is ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mourningMM]

Let's pretend that you have a really close friend, or a sister, who is being treated by a man the way your MM treats you.

 

Paraphrasing Mr. Lucky

 

She

- has been cut off from you, her other friends and family.- an eating disorder

- has lost weight, is starting to look sickly.

- is depressed, and hides from situations where she might meet a NICE SINGLE MAN.

- reacts with fear and anger to any attention that is given to her by a NICE SINGLE MAN.

 

What would you tell her to make her understand that she is making unhealthy choices? How could you show her that she is acting like a woman living with emotional abuse instead of just an emotional affair?

 

Would you give her a hug? Tell her you love her and that if she just takes care of HERSELF things will get better?

 

This needs to be about that woman, not about the man she loves. This needs to be about what will make HER happy, not about how she loves him.

 

Lets stop playing that game and say this.

 

This affair doesn't sound like fun. It sounds like prison. Other than giving you attention, what do you get?

 

Physical FRUSTRATION.

Mental AGGRAVATION.

Emotional ENTRAPMENT.

 

I really understand loving a Married Man; I understand wanting to be with him because he gives what is missing. But if you look so hard at what he gives you, you are actually blind to what you might have with someone else.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I am here now. I wont promise not to get offended.

So, have a go at me.....be kind, be tough, be compassionate or just knock me upside the head with a 4 by 4.......I will try hard to take heat to whats being said. I can only promise to try, but I cant promise I will follow the advice.

What happened to this fearless ability to be open to any and all input ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[frannie]

Before we met, he seperated. He made ppeperations to move to another place. Packing, making down payment on another home, the works. Because he did not want to physically cheat, and he didnt want me to be the OW. Our time was beautiful, better than we had imagined. I was and am still certain about his feelings for me. Upon his return to the home he was still sharing with her, it happened. He panicked, had a complete break down, realizing, for the first time in his life he had been with another woman. And he had to face her upon arrival.

 

He took the easy way out to diminish his own feelings of guilt. He broke up with me in a horrible way. I would have just told him to go elsewhere if I didnt know him so well and could even relate. Cause some years ago, I went through the same situation, me being the MW and having an affair. The struggle to get out of my own marriage lasted years. I lied, put up a front, continued to stay, even though in my heart it was long gone. I could paint a pretty picture here, but the fact is, I was just doing things the easy way. At the time I couldnt see myself doing it any other way. Topped with feeling guilty, I was no good for a very long time. And this has helped me cope with this situation.

 

Hello twistedmind.

 

I don't see this as a clear-cut 'he's not leaving' situation at all, the same as you. You have the experience that tells you that ending a marriage is not easy, and can take years, and you know that you and MM are somewhat similar in your feelings of guilt and self-denial, etc. You can empathise with his position, and you are doing.

 

I think you may have a long wait on your hands, and of course it maybe that he will never leave again. However, I don't think it's a hopeless case, since he'd already separated once, before you came along. But now of course he has you to support him on the outside, and her working a little harder on the marriage on the inside... it could run on for years.

 

What I would suggest is that you accept that it could be years, and start looking after yourself. Put your life first, begin to rebuild friendships, don't talk about him if that helps. There's no need to date if you don't want to, not everyone has to be in a relationship and you sound like you need some time to work out who you are and what you want from life.

 

What helped me in the end was to concentrate only on those things about my life which I could control, and to make sure that I put myself and my dreams and goals without him first. I think if you make yourself a priority you will start to feel healthier.

 

Don't make your happiness dependent on someone else's choices. It's not about you

[Heather1]

Egads!! You're both so focused on him that it's destroying you!! People you love, & who love you back, bring out the best in you. He has you reeled in because you feel sorry for him, and that's NEVER good in any relationship.

 

You mentioned you're motivated by the word "I can't," and yet "you can't" cut ties with him. Use that as your motivation here. You have 3 options & you're picking the worst of them. 1) cut ties & he realizes he misses you & he finally makes the choice to be w/ you & leave his wife. 2) Cut ties & he stays, but after a few weeks of hell you're able to move on with your life & make friends, function @ work, start dating & KEEP BUSY. 3) Stay in purgatory going round & round w/ no answers & he's happy not to have to make a decision between you, and he won't make a decision either when he has you both.

 

So I guess there's a 4th option if you want to be with him. Realize he's never going to leave his wife, and be OK with it.

[Fallen Angel]

For a minute there, reading your story, I thought your MM and my MM may be the same MM. All I can say is that being the OW is not easy, and I hope you and I both find ourselves enough again to demand more, better, what we need. I suppose the fact that we are here looking for answers, is a step in the right direction. Good Luck.