Middle of nowhere...

[Ray of Sunshine]

"Michael" the old John Travolta angel flick is one of my favorites to this day. I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to have the ultimate occupation of bringing happiness and cheer to everyone's lives....just at the very moment when everything in their world seemed to be falling apart. That would definitely be a divine power to behold.

 

In one scene of the film, the spy/reporter (can't remember her name) was writing some lyrics while broke down on an old country road. I'm beginning to relate heavily to the little tune she sang..."I'm sitting on the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere."

 

I'm a bit older than most of you around these parts. You'd think I would be giving advise right and left around here. But can't say I've done anything but read the advise.

 

Georgia Girl and Caliguy have helped me immensely lately. Actually when you think about it...what they speak of about second chances is very much good ole common sense. But we as humans...living, breathing and feeling...tend to lose some of that common sense when it comes to love and matters of the heart.

 

I have been in a complete relationship for 4 years....with my best friend. Our friendship was the solid core to our entire foundation. We connected intellectually and personality wise first. He is the only person in my 50 years of living...that has ever known everything about me. There was nothing we could not tell each other. Nothing.

 

Friends like that are hard to come by...basically because people are so judgemental. But the two of us had a deep rooted foundation....that led to physical attraction, then intimacy then a full blown relationship.

 

We were a long distance relationship as well...but in our situation we saw each other at least once a month if not twice...for short visits and when jobs and family permitted we were together months on end. For the most part our relationship flowed....with very few hiccups.

 

We were involved with each other's families, accepted and well liked/respected by them, my children liked him, his liked me. We were involved in each others businesses, Everytime we were together....we enjoyed life to it's fullest. When we were apart...we planned, dreamed and remembered...eventually we would be together in the same place day to day.

 

And to top that off our intimacy together was as good as it got. There was nothing we weren't open to when it came to pleasing each other in that way.

 

Nothing about us ever got old...we always seemed refreshed with just mere conversation and quality time together.

 

Things got rough after his business of 16 years failed. He went through a huge drop in self esteem. I was understanding the whole way. And supportive in every way imaginable. The past year was rough...it broke my heart to see him as he was. He was always so full of laughter and he was quite the entertainer when he sang to me on stage at Karoake. It's like the life went out of him...and I truly hurt for him. I was there offering encouragement every step of the way.

 

We met some hurdles during the last year...both of us held hands and jumped everyone of them together.

 

He found a job...his attitude was really getting back in place, we had to adjust to not seeing each other as much...finances being tight. Our last time was June. But we were on the phone most every day planning. We found a house in foreclosure...I was going to make a bid on it. It was a deal for sure. Payments of 188.00 per month on a four bedroom home. Unheard of opportunity and it was ours for the taking. He was going to live there until I could move there in short of two years.

 

However, all of a sudden he withdrew somewhat...said it was work and debt issues. I suggested we not buy the house. And we seemed to be going in circles on some issues with us. Some past ones that kept creeping into conversation.

 

I finally suggested to him that we agree to a healing seperation...for a period of three weeks. During that time we would not talk, but would focus on ourselves and getting our minds straight. We were to take time to think about our relationship and focus on the positive...knowing it wasn't about who was right or wrong. Basically get rid of the negative...and focus on the positive. New career, more time with each other and family and friends. Moving forward.

 

He agreed to this saying he thought this would be really good for us. I felt the same. The three weeks was to end August 27 with a visit to see him August 28.

 

We did break the silence between us once...we were missing each other and just wanted to hear the others voices. All was good.

 

On August 25 I tried to reach him for a change in flight plans...and I also needed him to pick me up at the airport as I would not be getting a rental this trip with my budget tight as it was.

 

He didn't call me back until August 28 asking me if I was out there yet. When I told him I was not due to the lack in him returning my call. He told me had some bad news....that he was going to tell me after I was out there, but since I wasn't he would tell me by phone. He had been layed off at his new job. Cutbacks is all they said.

 

And more bad news....he had gone to a pool tournament, met a woman, she got under his skin, it just happened and he couldn't explain it and he didn't think we had a future together. He said he was sorry for hurting me...and he was upset that he had.

 

I was in shock...I couldn't even get mad. I just listened. I was actually calm...

 

Before telling me all this he had asked me what I had been doing during our seperation...I told him working out at the gym, making wedding preparations with my daughter for her special day coming up and the time I was to focus on us and the good in our relationship, I had made a video. Pics, movie clips set to the music of some of our favorite songs. I had mailed it to him on the last day of our seperation.

 

Then he hit me with this. He told me he wanted to be friends, that he valued my friendship and me as a person. I told him I didn't know if that was possible to do....since 15 minutes of our last conversation was about this new woman in his life.

 

I mean...here I was three weeks away from my daughters wedding, which he was to take part in...and he was off on some teenage infatuation. Doesn't say much for our 4 years together did it? I still wake up in the morning right now and wait to see if I was having the nightmare of my life!

 

I guess I'm still in shock. When you have something...a bond like we had and then all of a sudden your companion of four years, your lover, your best friend...all gone in one fatal blow.

 

He has contacted me since...mentioned several times he had been thinking and evaluating...and he seems to be in doubts about what he has done.

 

Bottom line...things aren't as rosey as he thought they were over that rainbow he'd been dreaming about. And he doesn't know if he made the right choice....

 

Two days ago he called and told me he missed me...really missed me. He said I was still the one that understood him the most and he ended his conversation 'I love you'...I did say it back to him and told him to have a nice evening.

 

When I hung up I pulled up a post by Georgia girl and read every single word of it 4 times over. Then I red Caliguys guide to no contact.

 

GG's right in one thing...I know what it's like to give everything for nothing. And it's not a very good feeling at all. I am not one to indulge myself with friends in a time like this. I do alot of driving country backroads, I go to the park and watch the geese squalk at each other and the ducks swim. I just turn to the things that are around me everyday...and I write in my journals.

 

I don't know how long this one will hurt....I have never had anyone turn their back on me quite so coldly....especially my best friend.

 

For two days now I am in no contact mode. He doesn't even know it. I took georgia girl and caliguys advise and hung up from our conversation. I have not been to my facebook or myspace. I have not written the famous goodbye email or even an email to tell him off. I just hung up and that's it. I can't talk to him. We were such close friends and talked about our every thought for so long...I'm not willing nor do I have the energy to listen to his worries and woes about his new woman.

 

Crumbs from a past relationship seems more like morsels shoved down my throat to me right now.

 

My no contact will help me. I know it. The hurt is so deep inside me that I can't express to anyone how awful this feels. He just flat out walked away from our 4 years on a whelm. And the awful part of it...is I gave him everything...he had nothing to complain about. He could tell you that himself if he were here.

 

I have also lost family....his family was like my own...including his children. His mother calls me to see how I am and she crys with me. She is such a wonderful lady and she is my dear friend. But it hurts to talk to her.

 

I don't know about a second chance at this point. I need time and space. And I want the pain to stop. All I have is myself to see me through this. I haven't told my daughters. And I do not plan to until I can think straight.

 

He has said he was sorry...several times and he does have remorse in his voice. I imagine he has watched that video by now...but as for me...all I could do was delete it from my computer.

 

Thanks for letting me get this out....it's the first time I have been able to put my thoughts into words other than in my own mind and diaries.

 

Sunshne always....

[silic0ntoad]

Wow... It hurts just by the verbiage you use to describe how deeply entwined you were with this man. I may be younger, but for my ex, it was the same. I feel as though half of me is gone that I can never get back. I really do extend my sympathy to you, doll.

 

Stick to NC, it is for you, not them. It will get you thru this. It will get worse before it gets better. but that's the case with everything.

[Ray of Sunshine]

Yes silicone...then you know how hard it is to detach.

 

He called while I was working in the yard. Left a voice mail saying he missed me...and he said he knows how deeply he hurt me. Funny thing...he definitely knows how deep he cut me because he was the one who held me in his arms when I broke down about my failed marriage. He knows from the core of my being how much that upset me and hurt me. But he held me when I was in tears and said it was over and I had his arms to hold me now.

 

I honest to God never ever would have believed he would hurt me like this.

 

Yanno normally I am a very funny lady...you can always depend on me to see the humor in a situation. But right now...I'm just not laughing at all.

 

Maybe if I just type and get it out of my system in maybe 100 years I will feel much better. Think?

[Ray of Sunshine]

Great my daughter got invited to a lock in. Now I have the evening alone and it's way too quiet. I'm wanting to call him pretty bad...I can feel his depression and sadness.

 

Maybe if I go for a walk...