jdram Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 So my previous post showed her to be a liar and most likely a cheater... Nobody mentioned second chances. I don't know how i could go on with this I just want to hear peoples thoughts on second chances. I understand the grim side of things. Part of me thinks that I just scared of being alone. She is my best friend of 9 years and is my world. Previous question Last week while out at a bar with friends I was introduced to one of my girlfriends coworkers. By the end of the night I was really feeling strange about the vibes they put out to each other, but i shrugged it off as I had a few drinks in me. Skip to this week...last night she went to a bar with friends and i stayed home. I couldn't help but think about this situation and i thought I was crazy for thinking about it. After a few hours had passed (about the time she would normally come home on a weeknight) I decided to drive the the apartments which he lived at. (When i met this other guy last week we discussed how he lived in the same complex as we had before.) I had a general idea of where his building was. I circled the complex once and felt like an idiot...she was not there. As i pulled out of the gate I saw her car pull in and she was alone and on the phone. It was dark and she didn't see me. I doubled back but was not tailing her. I pulled over in a secluded spot and called her...three times no answer. At this point i don't know where in the complex she was so i started to circle the lot, but then my phone rang so i answered and we talked... through the conversation this is the end product..."She is still at the bar and is going to hang with her friends until they are ready to leave but she doesn't know what time that would be" I tell her i love her and then say goodbye. Turning the corner her car is headed towards my direction. I pass and just after we cross she pulls into a spot (this is two seconds after she lied on the phone to me). immediatly i park the car and approach her she acts supprised as you would imagine. Q: I say what are you doing A:"going home" Q:Why are you at this apartment A: "I was visiting a friend" (who says i am visiting someone?) Long story short she says we have to leave but we continue to argue and she won't say who. I never let her know of who i suspect and she finally admits later that night at the house that it was the coworker. What is killing me inside is how she won't admit she was cheating. She says that she was only going to hang out with him, she had never been there before, she was not on the phone when she pulled into the complex, & he had no idea she was stopping by. This morning she admitted she text him to ask if she could stop by. However she had said he didn't know she was coming and her phone history was conveniently deleted. I understand if i sound controlling but i never accused her of these things i just followed my gut feelings and God did I want to be wrong. So now i am waiting to look at cell phone records as our phone plan is under her name. I just want her to admit she is cheating. she denies it and says that she is afraid to tell me that she was going to hang out with a guy without me around. This relationship is going on 5+ years and we have talked kids marriage and buying a home. Please any advice i am broken
Quest Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I know it's been five years but a better way to think of it is, "Thank **** I didn't marry her." She doesn't seem remorseful, more a bit wrong-footed at being caught out. She'd only be worthy of a second chance if she was completely broken by what she'd done and wanted more than anything to make it work with you. Even then, she'd have a lot to prove to you before you could ever really trust her again. Do you really want to consider a future with someone who is already proving herself to be unreliable and selfish ... that's before you bring in all the pressures of marriage and kids, joint mortgages etc.
Bryanp Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 How do you think she would be acting if the roles were reversed? Do not stay with somebody just because you are afraid to be alone. She lied to you and had no problem sneaking behind your back and going to another man's apartment late at night after a night of drinking. Why do you think she was going to his home for late at night? Do you think she was going to discuss philosophy? The sad part was that she was lying to you on the phone when she was at his complex at the same time. Her only comment to you was that she was justified to lying to you because she knew you would be mad about hanging out with another man at his home late at night after a night of drinking? What is wrong with this picture? This also forces you to think how you could be sure this has not happened before and will in the future. Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to realize the implications of her actions. I think you would be quite foolish to continue this relationship. She in denial. Unfortunately it sounds like you are also in denial due to your fear of being alone. I wish you luck.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 No, cheaters don't deserve 2nd chances. If they are more than capable of doing it once, why should you have to worry about them doing it to you again. and why would you want to stay with someone you'll now have to wonder who she is wanting to hook up with behind your back in the future?
alexxx Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 So my previous post showed her to be a liar and most likely a cheater... Nobody mentioned second chances. I don't know how i could go on with this I just want to hear peoples thoughts on second chances. I understand the grim side of things. Part of me thinks that I just scared of being alone. She is my best friend of 9 years and is my world. Of course cheaters don't deserve second chance. What tells you she wouldn't do it again? Jdram, you have been extremely lucky! You should celebrate the day you caught her cheating. Imagine what would happen otherwise, marrying her, having kids... Be happy!
loveslife Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I understand how you feel. When we're invested it can be hard to break away and we often desperately want to give the other person another chance. Anything so we can have them BACK! However, and this is a big however, it's not in our best interests when the other person acts in complete disregard for our best interests. Nobody is going to think less of you for walking away. People will wonder down the road why you stayed though, because chances are she will keep doing this.
silic0ntoad Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Dude. I feel for you. I've never caught someone contemplating cheating, if she hasn't already done it. In fact, she already has cheated. At least in her world. I say kick this worthless bitch to the curb. She has no care for you or your feelings. Be glad you weren't married.
MichiganMan222 Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 OP, when your head clears, you won't want to have anything to do with her whether you love her or not. Right now, having her is more important to you than protecting yourself from future emotional pain and torture. But as you go on....even before you really get over her....you will start to put protecting yourself as a priority. I know this because my last two ex's, I would never take back because of what they did to me - one left me to 'test the waters', and the other tested the waters while still swimming with me (what yours is doing now). I don't care how much I loved them; how much they wanted me back (the first one does ironically); how much they begged, I will always remember what they did to me with complete clarity and never EVER give them another chance to do it again. Its not stubbornness, vengeance, bitterness, etc. It's simply me not sticking my hand in the fire because it hurts. You will get that clarity. Right now you don't have it. Trust me (and everyone else), write her off for your own sake and find a new love that will probably end up thanking your ex for cheating on you because she's crazy about you.
groundzero Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 of course cheaters don't deserve second chance. What tells you she wouldn't do it again? Jdram, you have been extremely lucky! You should celebrate the day you caught her cheating. Imagine what would happen otherwise, marrying her, having kids... Be happy! +1 !!!!!!!!!!
Paragon Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I don't know how i could go on with this Part of me thinks that I just scared of being alone. She is my best friend of 9 years and is my world. 9 years is a long time to have a connection with someone. You have undoubtedly made this girl a pillar of your reality. But what does that mean? You have in your mind a concept of your life. As time goes on, your build this concept off of people, events, ideas, etc. These "building blocks" are what I am calling pillars of reality. Your partner was a big pillar, and it's made very apparent in your choice of wording above. The mere THOUGHT of you removing her from your reality is a paralyzing one because it's essentially taking out one of the most foundational (to you) things in your life. Without that, it's hard to even look at reality because she (and the things she brings with her) are such an inextricable part of it to you. A second chance will do no good in your situation, and the tell tale signs are there in your post about HER actions and how she handled what was going on. You will be faced with a choice--you can REDESIGN your reality and choose new and better pillars, giving you the chance to come out the other side a bit more evolved in a positive fashion, or you can stay in your current predicament, which we know you want out of. It's way easier for me to tell you "it won't be easy but you can do it and if you choose to you'll come out better for it"--it's easy for me to say that, but it won't be easy to do. HOWEVER, you can do it--you constructed your reality before, and this won't be an impossible task for you. And when you think about it, the DEEPEST part of you knows you can do it... If any of the points in my post were unclear, let me know and i'd be more than happy to expound on them in any way I can--I can let you know WHY EXACTLY giving her a second chance will do nothing but harm, I can give suggestions as to what pillars you might want to consider having in your reality, I can go into more detail about any of this. I hope my words help you on your way, wherever you decide to go from here
Recommended Posts